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NFL 2010–Week 6 Recap

Sunday, October 17th, 2010

From my home in Los Angeles, it is time for some football.

Before getting to the NFL, my coed touch football team “Team Awesome” won their game on a quest for another championship. I was not at the game because of other engagements I had, but here is a quote from one of my teammates:

“We won 52-36 or something like that. And then we of course dominated in beer pong post-game.”

My team rocks. Now on to the NFL. Here is the Week 6 NFL Recap.

San Diego Chargers @ St. Louis Rams–Both of these teams played in Los Angeles in 1960, which shows how desperate this game needs a story line. A punt return past midfield set up a field goal to have the Rams up 3-0. Philip Rivers moved the Chargers to the red zone, but a 10 yard sack was followed by Rivers going to the end zone and getting intercepted. Sam Bradford shook of the beating from last week to throw a 38 yard touchdown pass as the Chargers remained in a hangover state from last week with the Rams up 10-0.

When Stephen Jackson ran up the middle from 6 yards out, the Rams led 17-0 in a shocker. San Diego did get a field goal just before the half to trail 17-3.

With less than 5 minutes left in the third quarter, Tolbert ran it in from 3 yards out to have the Chargers within 17-10. Early in the fourth quarter the Rams failed to get off the field on defense as Rivers completed a 3rd and 14 pass for 17 yards as the Chargers looked to tie the game. Yet from the 20, a holding penalty and a sack set up 3rd and 27. On 4th down a field goal attempt was blocked as Norvelous Norv Turner threatened to decapitate his special teams coach.

The Rams moved into very long field goal range, and Josh Brown calmly nailed a 48 yarder to have the Rams up 20-10 with 4 minutes left. Rivers immediately brought San Diego 76 yards, using only 40 seconds to do it. A 5 yard touchdown pass to Davis had the Chargers within a field goal with 3:16 to play.

With the Rams facing 3rd and 6 at their own 36 and San Diego prepared for a pass, Steve Spagnuolo had a running play executed to perfection as Stephen Jackson picked up 9 yards. On 2nd and 7, Jackson picked up 12 yards as Rivers never got back on the field and the Chargers fell to 2-4. They are Norvelous, and give the Rams credit for bouncing back after their 38 point shellacking last week. This was a big upset win, even at home. 20-17 Rams

Kansas City Chiefs @ Houston Texans–These teams could both be pretenders, showing early promise before reality sets in. The Chiefs had 3rd and 1 at the 2 when Thomas Jones got blown up in the backfield. On 4th down Matt Cassel borught back the New England glory days by rolling out and hitting Mike Vrabel for the touchdown.

Matt Schaub brought the Texans back with a long completion to Andre Johnson. On 3rd and 1 at the 9, Arriun Foster ran it for the first down to set up Schaub, who rolled out, had plenty of time, and hit Joel Dreesen in the back of the end zone as the Texans tied the game 7-7. Todd Haley decided to gamble on 4th and 1 at the Texans 43, but a false start killed the plan and the Chiefs punted.

With less than one minute left in the half, the Chiefs reached the Texans 17. Cassell fired a bullet between 2 defenders to Dwayne Bowe to have the Chiefs up 14-7.

In the third quarter a short slant pass to Dwayne Bowe resulted in Bowe criss-crossing the field and reaching the pileon for a 42 yard score to have the Chiefs up 21-7. Yet Derrick Ward broke several tackles en route to a 38 yard touchdown run to have the Texans within 21-14. Kansas City continued to run at will, but upon reaching the 10, Todd Haley called some passes that did not work. Ryan Succup nailed the 27 yard field goal to have the Chiefs leading 24-14.

With hard running by Arriun Foster, the Texans came back. With 12 minutes left in regulation, Foster took it in from 2 yards out to have the Texans within 24-21.

Yet Kansas City continued to gash Houston on the ground. Jamal Charles somehow turned a 10 yard loss into a gain, as Thomas Jones finished the smash mouth drive from 11 yards out as the Chiefs led 31-21 with 7 minutes left in the game.

Yet the Texans wouldn’t quit, and strong running by Arriun Foster allowed Foster to leap over the top from the 2 to get the Texans back within a field goal with a full 3 1/2 minutes to play and all 3 timeouts. THe key would be if the Texans could get a stop against a Kansas City running game that had run over Houston all day.

On 3rd and 2, Haley called a pass play that was incomplete as the Texans took over after a touchback with 2:22 left. Schaub hit Andre Johnson for a 31 yard gain. Defender Flowers celebrated, convinced there was offensive pass interference. He and Haley went nuts when it was ruled on the defense. Schaub went deep to Johnson, and a gorgeous touchdown catch in the back of the end zone as the Texans pulled a stunner of their own to lead by 4 with 28 seconds to play.

A 23 yard pass completion by Cassell set up the final play with 1 second on the clock from the Houston 38. The Hail Mary never left Cassell’s hand as he was sacked. The Chiefs have come down since starting 3-0, while the Texans earned a thrilling win ina  game where they trailed for most of it, showing a ton of heart for Gary Kubiak. 35-31 Texans

Baltimore Ravens @ New England Patriots–New England has been burning for revenge since the Ravens beat the daylights out of them in the playoffs last year. Joe Flacco led a ridiculous 18 play, 8 1/2 yard drive that stalled at the 9 yard line. Billy Cundiff nailed a 26 yard kick to have the Ravens up 3-0. Tom Brady quickly brought the Patriots back 66 yards, with Green-Ellis running it in from 2 yards out to have the Patriots up 7-3.

Joe Flacco brought the Ravens back, and a 16 yard touchdown pass to Todd Heap had the Ravens back on top 10-7.

In the third quarter, Tom Brady was intercepted by Chris Carr, who returned it from midfield to the New England 35. This led to Joe Flacco going to Anquon Boldin for  a 25 yard touchdown as the Ravens led 17-7. Stephen Gostkowski nailed a 38 yard field goal to have the Patriots within 17-10, but the Ravens moved from their own 9 yard line methodically down the field, reaching the New England 17 as the third quarter ended.

The fourth quarter began with the Ravens facing 3rd and 2 An incomplete pass was followed by a short field goal as the Ravens extended their lead to 20-10. Brady kept the Patriots in the game, as a 5 yard touchdown pass to Deion Branch had New England within 20-17 with 11 minutes left in regulation.

With 9 minutes left Flacco went for a quaerterback sneak from the Baltimore 47 on 3rd and 1 and got stuffed. John Harbaugh took no chances and punted. Brady moved the Patriots to a 3rd and 3 inside the 10, but an incomplete pass set up the tying field goal. With 1:51 left in the game, the Patriots deadlocked it 20-20.

Baltimore went nowhere, and a sack of Brady gave the Evil Hoodie Bill bellichick the option of a 62 yard field goal attempt or a Hail Mary. The Hail Mary was batted around in the end zone and intercepted as the game went to overtime.

Overtime was a puntfest, as neither team could get anything sustained going. With 5:19 left in overtime, the Patriots took over at their own 38. Brady hit Branch for 23 yards to the Ravens 39. On 3rd and 2, Brady hit Branch for 10 yards to the 21. At the 2 minute warning of overtime, the Patriots faced 3rd and 6 at the Ravens 17. Bellichick took no chances, bringing in Gostkowski on 3rd down fro 35 yards out. Gostkowski nailed it, and the Patriots had the hard fought win. It did not make up for the playoff loss, but another playoff game between these teams would be well worth watching. 23-20 Patriots, OT

New Orleans Saints @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers–Drew Brees hit Lance Moore deep for a 41 yard touchdown pass to have the Saints up 7-0. Brees then went deep again to Robert Meacham for 42 yards to have the Saints up 14-0 in a reality check to the Bucs. A field goal padded the lead to 17-0.

The Saints cut John Carney awhile back and turned the kicking keys over to Garett Hartley. This year Carney was brought back when Hartley failed. Now Carney has failed, and Hartley is back. He missed another kick today as Sean Payton resisted the urge to kick both of them where it hurts.

Since the kicking game was not working, the only solution for the Saints was to score touchdowns all the time like they did last year. Brees hit Heath Evans from 4 yards out as the Saints led 24-0.

Josh Freeman did throw a 2 yard touchdown pass to Michael Spurlock late in the game. The 2 point conversion failed, although down 24-6 a furious rally could have meant a changing of the guard and a dethroning of the champs. It did not happen. Ladell Betts scored from one yard out as Sean Payton saw his team make a statement. The Bucs are improved, but today was a reality check. 31-6 Saints

Atlanta Falcons @ Philadelphia Eagles–The story of Michael Vick playing against his old team would be a bigger story if Vick were actually playing. His injury pits Kevin Kolb against Matt Ryan, which could be the game of the year for the writers of the fictional Average White Guy Monthly Magazine.  Mike Smith looks like a guy named Mike Smith, and Walrus Lite Andy Reid is his coaching counterpart.

Deshean Jackson took a reverse from Kevin Kolb and raced 31 yards to the end zone to have the Eagles up 7-0.  Matt Ryans hit Jenkins for 42 yards to have the Falcons on the move, but no points came out of it. Kolb went back to Deshean Jackson, this time through the air for a 34 yard touchdown to have the Eagles up 14-0.

A missed field goal by David Akers failed to extend the lead. It did not matter as Kolb came right back and hit Jeremy Maclin from 10 yards out to have the Eagles rolling 21-0. The Eagles were on their way to 28-0 when Kolb was intercepted. Matt Ryan finally got the Falcons going late in the half, and a 1 yard touchdown pass to Tony Gonzale just before the half had the Falcons within 21-7.

Midway through the third quarter, the Falcons reached the 10 yard line before the drive stalled. A 26 yard field goal had them within 21-10. Yet Kolb struck back like lightning, going deep to Maclin for an 83 yard touchdown to have the Eagles up 28-10.

Ryan rapidly brought the Falcons 73 yards, hitting Gonzalez from 13 yards out to get within 28-17 with 5 1/2 minutes to play. Yet Kolb calmly used the clock, and a 30 yard David Akers field goal ended the scoring. 31-17 Eagles

Detroit Lions @ New York Giants–A loss today would be 24 straight on the road for Detroit, tying the NFL record originally set from 2001 to 2003 by…shockingly enough…Detroit. Tom Coughlin’s head almost exploded when the Giants fumbled the snap on a punt, giving the Lions excellent field position. A touchdown pass to Nate Burleson had the Lions up early, but battering ram Brandon Jacobs did what he does on the ground to tie the game 7-7.

Eli Manning went deep to Mario Manningham for a 33 yard touchdown pass to have the Giants up 14-7. As the half ended, Jason Hanson hit a 50 yard knuckleball that somehow made it over the crossbar to have the Lions within 14-10.

With Matthew Stafford injured, Shawn Hill had been starting. He got injured in this game, as 3rd string emergency quarterback Drew Stanton came in for the Lions.

In the third quarter, Eli Manning hit Kevin Boss for 25 yards, and a subsequent pass and defensive pass interference had the Giants inside the 10. On 3rd and goal from the 5, an incomplete pass  was nullified by an inexplicable unsportsmanlike conduct penalty giving the Giants a new set of downs. Brandon Jacobs failed to run it in twice, but on 3rd and goal from the 1, a rollout pass to Travis Beckham had the Giants up 21-10.

90 seconds into the fourth quarter, Drew Stanton from his own 13 threw a jump call to Calvin Johnson, who did what he does. He came down with it, held it up at the 40, and practically walked the final 40 yards to have the Lions within 21-17.

With 5 1/2 minutes left in regulation, the Lions were on the move, facing 3rd and 5 at midfield and primed for the upset. A pass from Stanton to Burleson went for 8 yards, but Burleson fumbled the ball and the Giants recovered at their own 42. These are the Lions. Ahmad Bradshaw ran 45 yards to the Detroit 13, and Brandon Jacobs took it in 6 yards to have the Giants up 28-17 with 3 1/2 minutes left.

Stephan Logan returned the ensuing kickoff 58 yards to the Giants 40, but a 3rd and 2 pass fell incomplete. Jim Schwartz decided to kick the 50 yard field goal since the Lions needed 2 scores and Jason Hanson is old reliable. Hanson did his job to make it an 8 point game with 2:50 to play. Schwartz decided to kick it deep rather than go for the onsides kick, and the Giants took over at their own 32. They went nowhere, and the Lions had another shot from their own 14 with 2:18 to play.

Stanton moved the Lions to the Giants 38 with 20 seconds to play. Stanton was intercepted by Antrel Rolle at the 16 to preserve the tough win for Big Blue. The Lions have tied their road loss record, while Matt Millen is happy to be out of Detroit. Then again, so are most human beings who escape that city. 28-20 Giants

Seattle Seahawks @ Chicago Bears–This game meant something in 2006. A deep pass interference penalty set up Matt Forte from 4 yards out straight up the middle to have the Bears up 7-0 early. Matt Hasselbeck hit Butler to tie the game 7-7.

Jay Cutler hit Johnny Knox on a 67 yard catch and run where Knox straddled the sideline. Cutler hit Knox again at the 12 yard line.

Hasselbeck led Seattle to 3rd and goal at the 6. A perfectly executed draw play resulted in Justin Forsett taking it up the middle for the touchdown as Seattle led 14-7. Chicago tacked on a 34 yard Robbie Gould field goal to trail 14-10.

Jay Cutler hit Johnny Knox on a 67 yard catch and run where Knox straddled the sideline. Cutler hit Knox again at the 12 yard line. A field goal had the Bears down 14-13 at halftime.

In the third quarter Cutler went back to pass in his own end zone. He got belted, fumbled and saw the Bears recover the fumble in the end zone for a safety as the Seahawks led 16-13. Marshawn Lynch eventually capped off the next Seattle drive with a short touchdown run to give Seattle breathing room at 23-13.

Miami Dolphins @ Green Bay Packers–Miami took down Favre, but at least he played. Aaron Rodgers is recovering from a concussion but was expected to play. Aaron Rodgers hit Tom Crabtree for a 33 yard gain to set up Mason Crosby for a field goal and a 3-0 Packers lead.  Yet Chad Henne hit Jahvid Best from 5 yards out to put the Dolphins up 7-3. After a Chade Henne interception, Rodgers went deep to Vonte Davis to complete an 86 yard touchdown pass that put the Packers back up 10-7. Miami added a field goal just before the half to tie the game 10-10.

Midway through the third quarter Carpenter nailed a 41 yard field goal to lead 13-10. After Rodgers was intercepted, the Dolphins faced 4th and 1 at the Green Bay 27. Tony Sparano went for it, and Ronnie Brown banged over on a tough second effort. Surprisingly, Brown was ruled down short of the sticks and the Dolphins turned it over on downs. This led to the tying field goal as the 13-13 game continued.

With 5:20 left in the game, Henne found Anthony Fasano, who took it for a 22 yard touchdown to give the Dolphins the 20-13 lead on the road. With 2:30 minutes left Rodgers completed a pass on 3rd and 15 to set up 4th and 7. Mike McCarthy decided to let the clock run down to the 2 minute warning before running a play. Rodgers hit Davis for 1st and goal at the 10. A Rodgers scramble to the 2 and a run that went nowhere set up 3rd and goal at the 2 with 22 seconds to play. It all came down to 4th and goal from the 1 with 16 seconds left.

Lining up in the shotgun, Rodgers confused the Miami defense by moving under center at the last moment and then sneaking it up the middle as the game was tied 20-20. From near midfield, Sparano decided to take a knee and play overtime rather than go for the Hail Mary.

Miami moved the ball well in overtime, and 6 minutes into the extra session, Dan Carpenter came in for a 44 yard field goal. He drilled it, and the Dolphins had the win. Tony Sparano has seen his defense gut out tough wins against Minnesota and Green Bay on the road, as they have gotten to a 3-2 record. 23-20 Dolphins, OT

Cleveland Browns @ Pittsburgh Steelers–Walrus Mike Holmgren has not fired Eric Mangini, who for some reason wants to see rookie Colt McCoy get killed by starting his NFL career at Pittsburgh. Big Ben is back, and this tune up game is a good way to have him ease back into professional football, if Cleveland can be considered that.

Colt McCoy had his first sack and then threw his first interception only 4 minutes into the game. Yet at the 10 yard line, Roethlisberger was intercepted by Joe Haden, who returned it 62 yards to the Pittsburgh 35. On 3rd and 3 an offsides penalty gave the Browns a first down. Phil Dawson hit a 39 yard field goal to have the Browns up 3-0 and pass Lou “the Toe” Groza as the all time leading scorer for the Browns.

Big Ben did rebound, hitting Mike Wallace for a 29 yard touchdown to have the Steelers up 7-3, which seemed too much for the Browns to overcome. Joshua Cribbs was then knocked out of the game on a helmet to helmet hit where Cribbs fumbled. Later in the half James Harrison delivered his second helmet to helmet hit, this time against Massaquoi.

In the third quarter the Steelers were backed up to their own 5. All Big Ben did was go deep to Mike Wallace for 50 yards to the Cleveland 45. Then Roethlisbergrer hit Heath Miller for 35 more yards inside the 10. A short touchdown pass to Hines Ward had the Steelers up 14-3.
This hideous game got uglier for Cleveland when Chancy Stucky fumbled a punt, giving Pittsburgh the ball at the 13. Rashard Mendenhall ran it in from the 3 to have the Steelers up 21-3.

McCoy did throw another interception in this game, but also late threw hist first NFL touchdown pass, a 12 yarder to Ben Watson. Yet Big Ben had one more touchdown pass in him today as well, a 14 yarder to Heath Miller to complete the scoring. Mike Tomlin will have plenty to criticize in this win, but the Steelers are 4-1 and looking tenacious. 28-10 Steelers

New York Jets @ Denver Broncos–Rex Ryan has his team with a Hard Knocks swagger, but Darrell Revis is injured. Josh McDaniels is on the verge of losing his team. Mark Sanchez finally threw his first interception, although it did not lead to any points. After a scoreless opening quarter, Sanchez led a 13 play, 77 yard drive that consumed 6:40. A  32 yard touchdown pass to Braylon Edwards had the Jets up 7-0. Kyle Orton led the Broncos back 80 yards, with a wildcat snap to Tim Tebow resulting ina  5 yard touchdown run and a 7-7 game. Josh McDaniels then went to his bag of tricks and the Broncos executed a successful onsides kick. Nothing came of it, as Mark Sanchez threw his second interception with less than one minute left in the half of a game only a Ryan family member could love.

On the last play of the half, Josh McDaniels had Josh Prater kick a 59 yard field goal. It must be a Josh thing, because Scobee kicked a 59 yarder for Jacksonville last week. McDaniels and Prater deserved a Scobee snack, as Prater drilled it to give the Broncos the 10-7 lead at intermission.

A defensive bonelock saw another great field goal, this time from the Jets. Rex Ryan had Nick Folk try a 56 yarder, and he drilled it to tie the game 10-10 midway through the third quarter.

Late in the third quarter the Broncos took over at their own 34, From the 39, Orton found Brandon Marshall for a 29 yard gain, with 15 more tacked on for unnecessary roughness. Orton hit Thomas for the 17 yard touchdown as Thomas barely got 2 feet down to have the Broncos up 17-10.

A game of field position and punts resulted in the Jets taking over at their own 46 with 11 minutes left in regulation. Sanchez hit Santonio Holmes for 22 yards. From the 20, old man Ladanian Tomlinson off tackle for the touchdown, tying the game with 9 minutes to play.

Denver took over at their own 20, and Orton hit Lloyd for 19 yards. On 3rd and 11 from the Jets 48, Orton scrambled for 13 yards. With 4 minutes to play, Josh Prater came in for a 48 yard field goal. He got it, and the Broncos led 20-17.

The Jets took over at their own 20. On 3rd and 5, Sanchez hit Edwards for 7 yards. On 3rd and 7 from the 35, Sanchez hit Holmes for 13 at the 2 minute warning. Everything came down to 4th and 6 from the Denver 48 with 1:26 to play. Sanchez went deep to Holmes, and defensive pass interference gave the ball at the Denver 2. Josh McDaniels went ballistic, but the penalty stood. Tomlinson carried it in as the Jets took a 4 point lead.

Sanchez and Orton had been dueling all day, and Orton had one last chance with 1:13 to play and 80 yards to cover. With 42 seconds left, the Broncos had 3rd and 6 at the Jets 44. From the shotgun, a wild snap resulted in a fumble that Gang Green pounced on for the win. The Jets talked a bunch on Hard Knocks and lost their opener at home, but they have not lost since. They are 5-1, while a reeling Denver is actually still in the hunt in the AFC Worst division where all 4 teams lost today, with all of them except Denver losing to inferior teams. 24-20 Jets

Oakland Raiders @ San Francisco 49ers–For more on the game of the day, go to http://justblogbaby.com

Every time it seems the Raiders are about to turn a corner, they lose a winnable game. A couple of weeks ago the loss to Arizona stung. Beating San Diego helps, but beating San Francisco makes the Raiders 3-3 rather than 2-4. In 2000 the Raiders went 12-4 and reached the AFC Title Game while the San Diego went 1-15. Yet the 2 games they played were one by the Raiders only 9-6 and 15-13. They were losing both games with 2 minutes to play, and needed 5 Seabass field goals to win the second one.

In 2002 the 4-0 Raiders eventually reached the Super Bowl, but not before losing to the 0-5 Rams, in Marc Bulger’s first NFL game. The ugliest loss might have been in 1993, when the 6-4 Raiders, who eventually went 10-6 and made the playoffs, lost to the 0-10 Bengals. Normally reliable Jeff Jaeger missed 4 field goals in the 16-10 loss.

So while the 49ers are 0-5, they are at home. They have come close several times, and even though they are winless, they are 6 point favorites. If the Raiders ever want to turn things around, they have to win these types of games. Tom Cable still has his team fighting hard, while Mike Singletary is perfecting his Ray Rhodes scowl without the wins to back it up.

The Raiders took over at their own 12, and Tom Cable immediately went for the gadget play. A handoff to Michael Bush was pitched back to Campbell, who went deep for Louis Murphy. While it did not result in the gain the way Al Davis loves it, defensive pass interference went for 46 yards. On 3rd and 5 from the 37, Campbell hit Michael Bush for 7 yards. On 3rd and 4 from the 24, Bush ran for 5 yards. On 3rd and 8 from the 17, Campbell scrambled for 9 yards. Yet on 2nd and goal from the 4, illegal formation killed the drive. After 8 minutes and 79 yards, the Raiders settled for a 27 yard Sebastian Janikowski field goal and a 3-0 lead.

The 49ers cross midfield but punted, and the Raiders took over at their own 9 where Campbell led another time consuming drive. On 3rd and 1 from the 18 Bush ran for 2 yards but got leveled on the play. He walked of under his own power and did return to the game. Unnecessary roughness on the next play gave the Raiders 15 more yards. The second quarter began with the Raiders at their own 45, where Louis Murphy took a handoff around the end for 43 yards to the San Francisco 12. Again the Raiders stalled, and Seabass kicked the 24 yard field goal as the Raiders led 6-0. They had run 23 plays to 5 for the 49ers, but were only one play away from losing.

The 49ers went 3 and out, but Campbell was then intercepted, giving the 49ers the ball at their own 43. The 49er did reach the Oakland 34, where the 49ers faced 4th and 5. Mike SIngeltary decided not to go for it or have Joe Nedney try the 52 yard field goal. In a curious call for an 0-5 team needing a spark, the 49ers punted. The strategy netted 14 yards thanks to a touchback. The next few possessions were unwatchable as neither team could make a first down. The Raiders do have a good defense, but the 49ers have an inept offense, with the Raiders being not much better.

The 49ers began the second half moving backward with false starts, intentional grounding, and a sack of Smith to set up 4th and 30 at their own 12. The 49ers at this point had 123 penalty yards and 108 passing yards. Singletary scowled because he does that. The Raiders took over around midfield and began with Campbell getting drilled on an incomplete pass, with offensive holding pushing the Raiders back. On 3rd and 16 Campbell got back to the original line of scrimmage as the Raiders punted for the 5th straight time, a far cry from their first 2 sustained drives. The 49ers took over at their own 9.

The 49ers began the second half moving backward with false starts, intentional grounding, and a sack of Smith to set up 4th and 30 at their own 12. The 49ers at this point had 123 penalty yards and 108 passing yards. Singletary scowled because he does that. The Raiders took over around midfield and began with Campbell getting drilled on an incomplete pass, with offensive holding pushing the Raiders back. On 3rd and 16 Campbell got back to the original line of scrimmage as the Raiders punted for the 5th straight time, a far cry from their first 2 sustained drives. The 49ers took over at their own 9.

Frank Gore picked up 10 yards on 2 carries, and on 3rd and 3 with men in his face, Smith found Crabtree for 7 yard and another first down. A wildcat snap to Gore picked up 11 more. On 3rd and 4, Smith hit Vernon Davis for another first down at the Oakland 43. On 3rd and 8, Smith hit Tedd Ginn for 19 yards to the Oakland 22.  Smith was again called for intentional grounding. This one was more controversial since Smith was not under pressure. It seemed to be a miscommunication with the receiver. Either way, it was 2nd and 20. It didn’t matter. On the last play of the third quarter, Smith went deep to Crabtree for a touchdown. The stunned Raiders trailed 10-6 and once again would have to rely on their anemic offense if they were to avoid losing another game to a winless team.

The ensuing kickoff was returned past midfield, but an illegal block brought it all the way back inside the Oakland 10. Campbell was sacked just outside the goal line, but a safety was averted. On 3rd and forever from the 1, Campbell actually thought he was Jim Plunkett throwing to Cliff Branch. He wasn’t, and after an incompletion, the only bright spot known as Shane Lechler boomed a punt, allowing the 49ers to take over at their own 43.

Singletary continued to play it basic, running the ball. The 49ers went 3 and out and the Raiders had it on their own 25 with 11 minutes left in regulation.

Cable also kept trying to run on first down as well, with Bush carrying the load for the injured McFadden. On 3rd and 8 Campbell finally completed a pass to his best receiver, tight end Zach Miller. Miller took it to the Oakland 46. Campbell then went deep to Miller. Pass was deflected by a defender, but Miller made an acrobatic catch at the San Francisco 28. Campbell avoided a sack and somehow scrambled for a couple yards, with Bush adding a couple more. On 3rd and 5 from the 22, Campbell threw incomplete. Seabass came in for a 40 yard field goal with 8 1/2 minutes left in regulation. Seabass kicked his third field goal and the Raiders trailed 10-9 in a game both teams deserved to lose.

The Raiders then had another one of their fourth quarter meltdowns that have led to 8 straight years of misery. Frank Gore ripped off a 64 yard run to the Oakland 16. After a touchdown run was called back by penalty, A touchdown pass to Davis had the 49ers leading 17-9 with 7 minutes left in a game where the lifeless Oakland offense would have been better off scrapping the team and starting with all new players except maybe Zack Miller. With Bruce Gradkowski and Darren mcFadden on the bench injured, miracles were in short supply. ‘

Campbell then did his best JaMarcus Russell imitation by avoiding a sack only to throw a pass that was actually a lateral. Luckily the Raiders fell on it. On 3rd and 14, Campbell missed a wide open short pass to Bush, who could not corral it in as the pathetic Raiders offense extended the glorious futility and punted with 6 minutes left. Apparently they used up their entire heart winning last week, as if that makes a season. With this team, perhaps it does.

The defense forced the 49ers into 3rd and 11 with 5 minutes left. Naturally Gore ran up the middle and bulled over Michael Huff for a 14 yard gain against the heartless Raiders. With 3 1/2 minutes left the Raiders took their first timeout as the 49ers faced 3rd and 7 at the Oakland 47. This time Gore was stopped, and after taking their second timeout, got the ball back at their own 13. Plenty of time remained, but these are the Raiders.

Campbell hit Miller for 7. A pass to Darrius Heyward-Bey was dropped. On 3rd and 3, Campbell threw a pass straight to Ford past the first down marker. It bounced right out of Ford’s chest, and naturally was intercepted by Takeo Spikes. The Raiders remain a gutless, heartless organization. One could blame injuries, but the 49ers were a winless team. Every time the Raiders are about to turn a corner under Cable, they don’t. He is doing what he can. The players are just pathetic when it counts. On 3rd and 1 from the Oakland 12, the entire world expected Gore to get the ball. He did, and easily picked up the first down to ice the gamr. The Raiders dropped to 2-4 in the AFC Worst division where 3-2 leads. 17-9 Raiders

Dallas Cowboys @ Minnesota Vikings–Both of these pre-season favorites to go deep into the playoffs are 1-3. Michelin Man Wade Phillips is trying to keep his job. Brad Childress is bald and Catholic, but his main toy is not Brett Favre. It is Randy Moss, who loves torturing the Cowboys to punish Jerry Jones for not drafting him. Jones learned his lesson, vowing never again to let character be an issue in hiring.

One of the reasons Minnesota lost the NFC Title Game last year was their inability to execute a simple handoff. From just past midfield, Brett Favre tried to hand off to Adrian Peterson, which resulted in a fumbled exchange between 2 players with a history of fumbles. Dallas took over, and on 3rd and 6 from the Minnesota 15, Tony Romo hit Roy Williams for the touchdown as Matt Millen must have been smiling somewhere with the Cowboys up 7-0.

Yet Romo was later intercepted, giving Minnesota the ball at the Dallas 16. On 3rd and 4, Favre hit Greg Camarillo for the tying score. Early in the second quarter Romo went deep to Miles Austin for a 73 yard touchdown. However, like a Kardashian relationship, it was quickly nullified as Austin was called for offensive pass interference. However, the Cowboys finally got going very late in the half. From 3 yards out with 32 seconds left in the half, Romo hit Williams in the back of the end zone to have the Cowboys up 14-7.

The Cowboys kicked off to start the second half, and Percy Harvin did it again. 95 yards to what Stuart Scott calls the Hizzy had the game tied at 14-14. Jerry Jones threatened to burn down the stadium before being reminded that it was a road game and he does not own the Metrodome.

With 6 minutes remaining in the third quarter, a field position game gave the Vikings the ball just past midfield. Harvin ran around right end for 11 yards. On 3rd and 4 Favre hit Kleinsasser for 12 yards down to the 12. On 3rd and 1 from the 3, Peterson picked up 2. Peterson carried the final yard to put the Vikings up 21-14 with less than one minute left in the third quarter.

The fourth quarter began with the Cowboys facing 3rd and 2 at their own 43. Romo hit Jason Witten for 17 yards. On 4th and 1 from the Minnesota 31, Marion the Barbarian Barber picked up 2 yards. On 3rd and 12, Romo went deep to rookie Dez Bryant, who earned his paycheck with the tying touchdown with 10 1/2 minutes to play.

With Tony Romo and Brett Favre, the question would be which quarterback would throw the losing interception. With 7 1/2 minutes left, the answer appeared to be Romo. Henderson picked him off, and the Vikings took over at the Dallas 30.

Childress was not taking any chances, as Favre only threw 19 passes all game. Despite tendinitis in the elbow, he completed 14 of them. On 3rd and 3 from the 23, Favre hit Randy Moss for 5 yards. Ryan Longwell kicked a 38 yard field goal as the Vikings took the lead with 4 minutes to play.

Dallas went 3 and out, and with 2 1/2 minutes to play Wade Phillips decided to punt on 4th and 5 from his own 25. The Vikings took over on their own 25. On 3rd and 6 from the 29, Favre fired incomplete but defensive pass interference went for 11 yards and kept the drive alive. That was the difference as the Cowboys did not get the ball back until 13 seconds remained, from their own 7. Despite many laterals, 93 yards were not covered as Minnesota remained in the hunt at 2-3 while the Cowboys fell to 1-4. Jerry Jones is prepared to burn every copy of the Dallas Morning News. 24-21 Vikings

Indianapolis Colts @ Washington Redskins was the Sunday night game. Even with Donovan McNabb, Mike Shanahan wants to establish the run. Peyton Manning would throw it every play if necessary, which may or may not bother Jim Calwell since it is hard to read a man who is perpetually expressionless.

Washington won the toss and Shanahan actually deferred. This is odd because most coaches want to wait as long as possible for Manning to take the field. The Colts were actually forced to punt on their opening drive, but McNabb was then intercepted. Manning then needed one play to connect with Pierre Garcon for a 57 yard touchdown and a 7-0 Colts lead.

The teams exchanged punts, and the Redskins took over at their own 11. McNabb needed 5 minutes to calmly go 89 yards. 11 yard passes to Cooley ad Armstrong was followed by a 16 yard Torain run. McNabb hit Santana Moss for 18 yards and Torain for 9 more, before Torain took it the final 9 on the gorund to tie the game 7-7.

The Colts took over at their own 16, and began the second quarter at their own 41.  Manning hit Reggie Wayne for 12 yards and Garcon for 14 more. From the 5, out of the shotgun, he hit Austin Collie for the score to have the Colts up 14-7. Manning moved the Colts on their net drive from their own 14 to a 4th and 2 at the Washington 20. Caldwell decided on the 38 yard field goal, but Vinatieri missed it.

The Colts got the ball back at their own 22 with 5 minutes left in the half. Manning continued his passing clinic, hitting Collie for 9 and Garcon for 1, sandwiched around a 14 yard Addai run. On 3d and 1 from the Washington 25, Addai was stopped. With 2 minutes left in the half, Caldwell decided again not to gamble on 4th and 1, and this time Vinatieri connected from 43 to have the Colts up 17-7.

McNabb moved the Redskins from their own 38 to the Indy 30, but a 48 yard field goal attempt by Graham Gano was no good. 24 seconds still remained in the half, and the Colts were on their own 38. Manning hit White Perfectly for a 19 yard gain to the 30, but Vinatieri from 48 hit a golf shot that sliced somewhere into Chicago no good. It appeared to have been partially blocked. McNabb took a knee rther than try the Hail Mary as the Colts led 17-7 at intermission.

90 seconds into the third quarter, the Colts took over at their own 16. Manning was sacked, an a fumble was recovered by the Redskins at the Indy 13. McNabb hot Cooley for 8, and on 3rd and 2 at the 5, hit Cooley again for 4 more. From the 1, Torain banged it in to get the Redskins within 17-14.

The Colts came right back as Addai rambled 46 yards to the Washington 20. On 3rd and 3 from the 13, Addai banged his way up the middle, and near the goal line actually got knocked forward into the end zone to rapidly have the Colts back on top 24-14.

The Colts appeared poised to take command but gave the Redskins another opportunity to get back in the game when Moore had his second fumble of the game on a punt return. The Redskins took over at the Indy 40, and Torain took a handoff 26 yards to the 14. A sack of McNabb ended the drive, but Gano connected from 39 to get the Redskins within 24-17 with 4 minutes left in the third quarter.

The Colts again had a chance to salt the game away when the fourth quarter opened with the Colts facing 2nd and 4 at the Washington 28. Addai got the carry and the first down before being drilled by London Fletcher. The Redskins recovered the fumble as Addai stayed down on the ground.

The Redskins could not capitalize, and the Colts finally got the offense going again.  On 3rd and 10 from the Washington 24, a perfectly executed draw play set up 4th and 1 from the 15. Again, Caldwell was not taking any chances, as Vinatieri connected from 33 to have the Colts up 27-17 with 8 1/2 minutes left in the game.

McNabb brought the Redskins back with several short passes. McNabb turned into Houdini as several near sacks turned into completions. From the 10, McNabb avoided a sack, scrambled around the end, and made it into the end zone. However, offensive holding brought the touchdown back. McNabb hit Williams for the touchdown, and it stood. McNabb was 10 for 11 to complete the 92 yard drive in 12 plays. The Redskins were within a field goal with 2:46 to play. They had all of their timeouts.

Shanahan decided to kick it deep. From the 20, Caldwell decided to have Manning keep throwing rather than run the ball and force Washington to use the timeouts. Yes, Manning is amazing, but this was questionable. 3 straight incompletions meant 4th and 10 and the Redskins getting the ball back with all of their timeouts with only 11 seconds coming off of the clock.

The Redskins took over with 2:13 to go at their own 38. On 2nd and 5 the Colts finally sacked McNabb, forcing the Redskins to burn heir first timeout. On 4th and 10, with 1:40 to play, McNabb went for the bomb into double coverage and overthrew everybody. It was curious play calling by Shanahan, although the Redskins still had a pair of timeouts.

This time a pair of runs went nowhere. The Colts faced 3rd and 10 with 1:30 to play and the Redskins out of timeout. As expected, the Colts ran it safely and the clock wound down. With one second on the play clock from the Washington 38, a field goal was too long. The Colts took an intentional delay of game, and the punt resulted in a touchback. McNabb had 32 seconds to work with try and tie or win the game.

McNabb went deep and Francisco leapt in the air and made a stunning one handed interception. A few more inches and it could have been a touchdown. Instead Manning knelt down and the Colts had finally survived. Manning and McNabb entered the league in consecutive years, have both been NFL MVPs, and shared a warm hug at midfield. 27-24 Colts

Tennessee Titans @ Jacksonville Jaguars was the Monday night game. Jeff Fisher and Jack Del Rio know defense, and both of their quarterbacks Vince Young and David Garrard have shown brilliance and ineptitude at times as a pair of 3-2 division rivals slugged it out. The winner would be in a 3 way tie for first place while the loser would be in last one game back.

Young went right to work, hitting Kenny Britt for 10 yards and Bo Scaife for 28 more. A facemask penalty on the defense tacked on 15 more, and a 23 yard touchdown pass to Britt had the Titans up 7-0 less than 2 1/2 minutes into the game.

The next time Tennessee had the ball, Vince Young got hit and left the game with a bad leg. Kerry Collins came in and quickly fired a completion to tie Dan Fouts for 10th all time in completions. Collins led Tennessee to a 13-3 record in 2008, so the Titans were not going to the practice squad.

The defenses took over, and the first big break occurred when Garrard was intercepted at midfield by Griffin, who returned it to the Jacksonville 37. Chris Johnson picked up 5, and Collins hit Scaife for 11 more. On 3rd and 2 from the 13, Collins hit Scaife at the 1. On 3rd and goal from the 2, Collins hit Scaife again to put the Titans up 14-0 midway through the second quarter.

Things got worse for Jacksonville as Garrard got belted on a third down incompletion. A short punt had the Titans starting at the Jaguars 44. On 3rd and 3 from the 25, an incomplete pass was nullified by defensive holding. The drive stalled at the 8 yard line, and Rob Bironas nailed a 26 yard field goal to have the Titans up 17-0 with just over 2 minutes left in the half.

It became a game of backup quarterbacks when recently acquired Buffalo castoff Trent Edwards came in for Garrard. Edwards finally got the Jaguars going in the 2 minute drill, moving them to the Tennessee 15 with 45 seconds left in the half. Yet a completed pass was fumbled away at the 10, ending the threat.

The second half was a virtually unwatchable slog. Edwards was quickly intercepted giving the Titans the ball at the Jaguars 33. Bironas kicked another field goal to make it 20-0 Titans. Edwards moved the Jaguars to a critical 3rd and goal at the 3. He was then sacked for a 12 yard loss. Del Rio opted for the field goal to avoid the shutout, and Scobee connected from 33 to have the Jaguars on the board.

The Titans took over at their own 27 with 7 minutes left in the third quarter. One minute into the fourth quarter, facing 4th and 1 at the Jacksonville 18, Fisher opted for the field goal, which Bironas connected on from 36.

Jacksonville took over at their own 22 and Edwards led an 8 minute drive, which is not good when a  team is down by 20. On 4th and 1 from the Titans 20, Edwards picked up 2. On 4th and 1 from the 9, Edwards picked up 2 more. On 4th and goal at the 1, Edwards pass to Underwood. The pass was right in his body. The sure touchdown was bobbled, and ripped out of Underwood’s hands for an interception and a touchback.

Although the game was garbage, Jacksonville did not even get the garbage touchdown. They did give up one, however. With Tennessee just trying to run out the clock facing 4th and 5 at the Jaguars 35, Chris Johnson broke loose all the way to the end zone to end the lack of suspense. Tennessee is 4-2 and Jacksonville is 3-3, after doing little to interest the home crowd. 30-3 Titans

Last year we had a pair of 13-0 teams, one in each conference. This year nobody made it to 4-0. In the NFC, every single team has at least 2 losses. The wild ride that is the NFL continues.

eric

Cathy–Farewell and Good Riddance

Saturday, August 14th, 2010

“Ca-li-forn-ia gurls are un-re-li-a-ble, fro-sted flakes with nuts on top…

Doc-tor Spock would find this song i-llo-gi-cal, oh no oh noooooo…”

For those wondering how the heck Katy Perry (whoever she is) stumbled onto this blog, it is because finally somebody has offered something that is as vacuous and vapid as Barack Obama. Even by California standards, a song celebrating the lack of substance in California has been outdone.

In fact, it might be one of the five most substanceless offerings in the history of words, and the only phrase not offered by Mr. Obama

(Although I can picture him at a Barbara Boxer fundraiser telling the crowd “West Coast Represent!” Boxer would pretend to know what he was talking about.)

The other phrases are “hope,” “change,” “yes we can,” and “Girl Power!”

Ok, I admit it, Mr. Obama did not say the last one. That was the Spice Girls. It is so easy to get confused when one offers meaningless slogans. They all blend in to one giant ball of shallowness.

This brings me to the queen of shallow, a fictional woman who after three decades of babbling and complaining about nonsense will finally be leaving us.

Cathy is saying goodbye on October 3rd for good. Cathy Guisewite (the cartoonist) will still live, but her cartoon character Cathy will go.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/13/books/13arts-AFTER34YEARS_BRF.html

Men everywhere should high five over this.

I have nothing against Cathy Guisewite. I have never met her. Her comic strip was apolitical, and certainly not mean. She could very well be a lovely human being.

Yet “Cathy” represented everything that could possibly be wrong with women. If one were to take every negative quality about women and somehow combine them into one gigantic disastrous train wreck, Cathy would be it.

(Men have plenty of bad qualities. We just don’t brag about them in print.)

Cathy was neurotic, obsessing over her weight and her inability to get her boyfriend to marry her. Then he did marry her, loved her just the way she was, and she responded by remaining as obsessive and compulsive as ever. Many times poor Irving would wonder what exactly he did wrong, and why she was upset for no particular reason.

For those who want to save hundreds of thousands of dollars on therapy bills, let me help save people money.

Men are literal creatures. If you want to understand us, take the words at face value.

Comedian Chris Rock phrases it in a very tactless manner. “Men want three things…food…sex…silence…feed me, f*ck me, and shut the f*ck up.”

I am going to be more tactful (for once).

I am a simple guy. Think of me as the doll with the string in the back. You pull the string. It only says three or four things. “I’m hungry.” “I’m thirsty.” “I’m sleepy.” “I want to watch the ballgame.”

(It says one other thing but again I am trying to be tactful here.)

If I am upset because my team lost, it does not mean I think the woman in my life is fat or ugly. It really does mean that I get way too worked up over football. Yeah, guys take this stuff hard.

Picture a conversation taking place between couple all across the globe.

Woman: How do I look in this outfit?

Man: (I am never going to get out of this conversation alive).

You look beautiful (a sincere answer).

Woman: What does that mean?

Man (oh dear lord here we go. My evening is about to get ruined.)

It means you look beautiful.

(This is followed by questions that make a presidential press conference after a scandal look like a walk in the park. The man gets in trouble, wondering how a compliment could go so wrong.)

Again, men have plenty of flaws. Belching in public (which I never do…I am civilized) is not a rite of male passage. It is bad manners.

Some guys are abusers. They abuse women physically, sexually, and psychologically. These men should be locked in a cage where guys like myself can beat the daylights out of them while yelling at them, “Stop messing it up for the rest of us!”

The difference is that men actually try to hide their flaws. If they don’t, they should.

Cathy Comic, who I understand does not represent all women (too many of them, even if not a plurality) celebrates the woman as an insecurity driven lunatic. She even bought a dog as a replacement for the baby that would “never” come. I felt for the dog.

Look, if I go bald, I may have to sell my family for Rogaine. Or I can be sane and accept what life offers. I gained a few pounds and did what people should do in that situation…I bought bigger clothing.

Cathy took pride in her neuroses. This had the effect of many women looking at Cathy and thinking, “I can relate, girlfriend.”

This is not something to be proud of. Driving everybody around you crazy because of neuroses is not positive. Cathy cannot and should not ever be accepted as the norm for female behavior. If it is, the war between the sexes will become Armageddon. Ironically, the women will be mad when we try to fight and also when we try to surrender.

Life is about decisions, and most decision matrices have right and wrong decisions. Yet in the world of Cathy, every decision Irving made was wrong. If “A” is wrong and “Not A” is also wrong, is it no wonder that the Irvings of the world beat their heads against the wall?

I know some will claim that I am playing the role of Dan Quayle criticizing Murphy Brown (he was right, Candace Bergen was smug), but Cathy cannot be “just fictional” and also “resonate.”

Too many women today are nuts. Part of it is the feminist mistake of the 1970s that told them that they did not need men.

(Ironically while many of these women became spinsters, the original flaming feminist leaders happily settled into marriage. They also married upward. There is no sin in finding security in wealthy men, but the hypocrisy was typical outraged activist behavior.)

(A deeper irony was that Cathy was no feminist. The feminists probably hated her for caring what others thought.)

Men and women need each other. We are better off when we communicate with each other in a normal manner. This involves listening to each other.

Yet listening and being tolerant does not mean accepting lunacy. I am not your father or your brother or your ex-girlfriend. I am a totally different guy. The fact that a guy with a goatee and glasses made you feel bad 10 years ago does not mean I will.

For those who think I am projecting my own experiences, I have been one of the lucky ones. Most of the relationships I have had have been healthy. We did not get married, but I did not think they needed to be committed to a mental institution. My grandparents were happy. My parents are happy. I am a basically happy guy.

My friends have not always been so lucky.

I just cannot look at Cathy and think that anything positive can come from her bizarre behavior. It certainly does not make for healthy relationships.

Dysfunction does not have to be the norm. Lunacy does not have to be the order of the day. Constant hassles over nonsense does not need to be what life is about.

As one of my male friends, who married a normal (yes they do exist) woman, once said, “I like coming home to her.”

My parents have a refrigerator magnet that says “happiness is being married to your best friend.” I am sure it helps matters that my mother is not crazy.

I will say for the Milli Vanillionth time that there are plenty of things men can do to improve. This certainly includes me.

Yet if women want a good head start on making things better on their end, be the anti-Cathy.

Observe her, and never be like her.

Cathy, you were not a bad (fictional) person. You were never malicious. You had a good heart.

You were just crazy.

You should have been locked up years ago or given enough sedatives to calm you.

After 34 years, maybe it is time for women to observe a better role model. Between a neurotic weight obsessed lunatic and a model stick figure who is an anorexic’s dream, there is a middle ground. A great example would be “Sally Forth.”

Sally is a wife, mother, and ardent feminist. Yet her husband is not a Phil Donahue pansy (although he does hide on the really bad days, which is understandable). Sally is not a ranting, raving momzilla. Sally is a great portrayal of a woman as a moderate feminist…proud to be female, assertive, yet pleasant.

Goodbye Cathy. Do not let the door hit your rumpus on the way out.

As for your rumpus, I have no comment whatsoever. I don’t make any comments where there are only wrong answers that will take years off my life while allowing me to catch your contagious insanity.

As a friend of mine (who happened to be black) said to me a decade ago, “The differences between black and white are nothing compared to the differences between men and women. As long as you are a man, there is a chance I can understand you.”

May gender relations somehow get better before everyone is miserable and all hope for happiness is extinguished.

It starts by celebrating healthy minds and quarantining the damaged ones far away from the dating and marriage pools.

Screwed up people almost never get better. They only drag the healthy people down.

Cathy was not funny. She was destructive.

Goodbye Cathy. Farewell and good riddance.

eric

The Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies of 2010

Monday, June 21st, 2010

Today is June 21st, the first day of Summer. Every June 21st the Tygrrrr Express lets unimportant issues such as war, pestilence, and economic turmoil take a back seat until the next day.

The first day of Summer is where I reveal my annual list of the top 30 women in politics, also known as the top 120 political yummy bouncies.

Unlike the Miss America pageant, this is strictly a beauty contest.

Here are past winners and musings from the blogosphere on other nominees.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2008/06/the-top-120-political-yummy-bouncies/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2009/06/the-top-120-political-yummy-bouncies-of-2009/

http://rightwingnews.com/mt331/2009/06/the_10_hottest_liberal_women_i.php

http://www.elistmania.com/still/18_hot_female_politicians/showall/

As is the case every year, finding enough liberals was difficult. Finding enough independents was next to impossible. There was an overdose of conservatives.

Here are the liberals.

10) Jennifer Turner–She is an Islamist, also known as an ACLU human rights advocate. She is the only woman on the list without a picture. This is not due to her support of Jihadists. I do not let suicide bombers get in the way of judging hot women. I simply cannot find a picture. I met her in real life, and her lack of logical reasoning is matched by her spectacular appendages. She would be shot to death if she dressed that way in the Arab nations she champions.

9) Tanya Acker–I thought she was a supermodel when I met her on a plane. She is a smart, accomplished, nice woman who is also a fierce debater.

8) Christine Pelosi–Her mother is detestable. She is delectable. Perhaps she is adopted.

7) Kirsten Gillibrand–The accidental New York Senator is prettier than Hillary Clinton and Chuck Schumer combined, even if her rump roast cannot match Hilldawgs.

6) Kirsten Powers–A pair of Kirstens made the list. This one is one of the honest liberals out there, although the bar is low. Her last name reflects what her body possesses.

5) Maria Cantwell–The Washington State Senator is gorgeous and wealthy. That is an enticing combo.

4) Sarah Silverman–Only a woman as hot as Sarah could get away with the filth that comes from her mouth. She actually told young people to threaten to boycott their grandparents unless they voted liberal.

3) Tamara Holder–She helps dead people vote and supports corruption. Translation: She is a Chicago civil rights attorney. Even community organizers can be sexy.

2) Leslie Marshall–This fiery radio host could be an underwear model. Instead she just offers scorched Earth liberalism, with a smile.

1) Contessa Brewer–This MSNBC host is your standard leftist basket case. She actually lamented when a terrorist turned out to be a Radical Islamist, as if that was a surprise. Who cares? She is hot.

http://www.dinarius.com/commentable/images/41.jpg


http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Z1B85CATCYU/SIDjGNSMhJI/AAAAAAAAAN8/BWfyrDcUqhQ/s400/ChristinePelosi-12.jpg

http://the44diaries.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/kirsten-gillibrand.jpg

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_XWMHOKSnvhg/RfYzGKZaZII/AAAAAAAAAmQ/KUj3bK_RQHE/s400/kirsten+powers.jpg

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JGL1d34UldU/SyhX7cHyjGI/AAAAAAAAB-M/W_wBOZ08SXE/s400/Maria+Cantwell.jpg

http://jayfingers.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/1388603579_787db23cc92.jpg

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_NPeIdlHaoaQ/SzIqsYd9gyI/AAAAAAAAFu8/aOrEEhO_mnc/s400/Tamara

http://www.lesliemarshall.us/images/fullLeslie_new.jpg

http://media.photobucket.com/image/contessa%20brewer/anchorbabes/contessabrewer5.jpg

Here are the independents:

10) Rachel Uchitel–Although she is not really political, she is the Ashley Dupree of this list. She was the first Tiger Woods mistress to come forward, giving her the distinction of being the first woman to ever make anybody have a reason to actually care about golf.

9) Juju Chang–This Good Morning America correspondent may not get me to watch her show or any show at that unheavenly hour, but those waking up at the crack of dawn should enjoy her.

8) Dawn Fratangelo–This NY correspondent has had a ton of pain in her life, so I will tread lightly. I hope somehow she finds inner peace to match her outer beauty.

7) Robin Meade–An attractive journalist who actually keeps her opinions to herself. hat is refreshing and admirable.

6) Anita McNaught–Her aristocratic accent combines nicely with her serious demeanor and seriously good looks.

5) Tammy Bruce–She insists that she is a lesbian, but I suspect that is a ploy to keep men away. Of course, if the women she has sex with are also hot, they will make future lists.

4)Campbell Brown–She might not make the list next year since she quit her CNN show. She is as dignified as my conducting this list is undignified.

3) Kiran Chetry–When a Fox News lady faces too much competition, she goes to CNN and wins hands and legs down.

2) Lauren Sivan–This Fox News anchor is simply smoldering.

1) Dagan McDowell/Maria Bartiromo–Dagan McDowell is Scarlett O’Hara on Wall Street.  Maria Bartiromo is the CNBC Money Honey. The financial collapse did not keep them from rocketing to the top of the list in this column.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/12/27/article-0-07B29D86000005DC-166_468x635.jpg

http://a.abcnews.go.com/images/Politics/abc_juju_chang_090116_main.jpg

http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/msnbc/Components/Bylines/mugs/NBC%20News/nbc_fratangelo_dawn_061019.vsmall.jpg

http://globalgrind.com/i/CIT/I66/243/7.334168.jpg

http://images.usatoday.com/news/_photos/2006/08/16/fox.jpg

http://www.tammybruce.com/

http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/brown.campbell.html

http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/KiranChetry/

http://www.foxnews.com/bios/talent/lauren-sivan/

http://www.daganmcdowell.com/

http://dealbreaker.com/_old/images/entries/maria_bartiromo_cnbc.jpg

While the conservatives are bombshells, the real bombshells come in the form of who…and who is not…on the list.

Andrea Tantaros and Mary Katharine Ham are not on the list.

No, I have not lost my marbles. This is an election year. There are so many new women that the Republican list is entirely new, with not a single name from last year.

Even Shannon Doherty, the Republican brunette goddess who will most likely win the lifetime political yummy bouncy award if I ever create one, did not make the cut. Dancing with the Stars is not political, despite the performance of Tom Delay.

Judith Regan did not make the list because she has been keeping a low profile. South Carolina Gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley did not make the cut because the list was compiled before she lit up the screen.

With that, here are the conservatives.

10) KT McFarland–I know, people will say I am off my rocker on this one. There is just something sexy about a Neocon Reaganite at any age.

9) Harris Faulkner/Megan Kelly–These Fox News correspondents combine toughness with pleasantness. Ph yeah, and they are hot, with Faulkner being a former beauty queen winner.

8) Marsha Blackburn/Mary Bono Mack–A blonde from Tennessee and a brunette from Palm Springs. They make a great Congressional pair. I would insert a tactless remark here, but they are good Republican women who deserve better.

7) Pam Bondi–She is running for the attorney general job in Florida. She is so tough and hot that she should change her name to Pam Bondage. I could picture her in charge of the penal code any day of the week.

6) Elizabeth Halseth/Mande Wilkes–They are running for the state legislature in Nevada and South Carolina respectively. Elizabeth is adorable, while Mande says inappropriate things ina  way that makes me proud.

5) Stevie Rae Rivenbark–Miss Wilmington nearly became Miss North Carolina.

4) Mary Smith–This Denver political consultant has a non-descript name but as descriptively lovely as it gets.

3) Melissa Goodwin/Laurie Ingram–These ladies are both politicos in Bastrop, Texas. One is running for judge, the other treasurer. A hot judge and a hot money lady makes for Bastrop being the best county in Texas, if not America.

2) Mattie Fein–She is a Republican Jewish brunette who is tough on Iran. That alone makes her worthy of a good paddling. She will be the hottest woman in the history of Congress if she can overthrow the mullahs by batting her eyelashes.

1) Samantha Cameron–The Carla Bruni/Segolene Royal role this year goes to the wife of British Prime Minister David Cameron. Shockingly enough, powerful men have hot wives. The last thing Britain needs is another sex scandal, but with this woman an exception must be made.

http://juliemenin.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/kt-mcfarland-2.png

http://www.foxnews.com/bios/img/headshot_faulkner.jpg

http://www.mediabistro.com/fishbowlDC/original/megynkelly32.jpg

http://blogs.commercialappeal.com/the_shelf_life/Marsha%20Blackburn-pointing.jpg

http://inlandpolitics.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/bono-mack.jpg


http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JQJmQlJQihY/SyPgHdx9PQI/AAAAAAAAGgY/1pdIBYBKLyw/s640/PAM+BONDI+ATTORNEY.jpg

http://extras.mnginteractive.com/live/media/site577/2009/0916/20090916_083147_fein_200.jpg


http://www.525group.com/eblasts/ehalseth_images/Web-Header_eBlast.gif

http://fitsnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/mande2-m.jpg

http://www.missflorida.org/images/2005/Miss/First%20Coast%2005.jpg

http://www.bigredtoybox.com/networkpages/marysmith.jpg

http://alt.coxnewsweb.com/statesman/election/2006/melissa_goodwin.jpg

http://www.laurieingrambastrop.com/

http://extras.mnginteractive.com/live/media/site577/2009/0916/20090916_083147_fein_200.jpg

http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00003/1008_cameron2_280x247_3502a.jpg

When all is said and done, only one set of political yummy bouncies truly captivates me, and a picture will not be provided. The Miami Shark is the most stunning Republican Jewish brunette on Earth, with her liking football only enhancing everything else.

When I sleep at night, I do not count sheep. I count her yummy bouncies.

4…8…12…zzzzz

eric

The Miami Shark

Saturday, June 19th, 2010

In May of 2010 I was single.

In June of 2010 I met the Miami Shark. She is the loveliest woman on Earth, and I am truly blessed.

She is a Republican Jewish brunette who likes football. In fact, she works with the National Football League as a medical professional.

She is smart, funny, sweet, tough, and gorgeous.

She is 1/2 Hispanic, 1/2 Israeli, and 100% Jewish.

I met her in Miami, but she will be moving to Los Angeles at some point.

I refer to her as the Miami Shark because of her career as a football medical professional. The Miami Sharks were the football team from the movie “Any Given Sunday.”

We are officially a couple, and I am the happiest guy on the planet. She is happy as well, and it is nice that on virtually every level we are on the same wavelength.

Normally I would be making comments about her various physical attributes, but this girl is different. Don’t get me wrong. They are spectacular. Yet she is so much more than that.

She is everything a man could possibly want in a woman.

She brightens my days and life after dark.

She is my girlfriend, the Miami Shark.

eric

Spring Break III–Back in Miami

Sunday, May 16th, 2010

Today should be called Clusterf*ck Sunday thanks to the good people at Delta Airlines. Of course, the terms “good,” and “people” are subjective.

Somehow a first class flight to South Florida turned into a coach middle seat to Detroit, my favorite city except for every other one I have ever been to. There is nothing like a redeye sitting behind the only person on the plane who wants to read with the light on rather than sleep. FAA regulations prevented me from executing him.

I will buy a new sport jacket today since the last time I flew Delta, they gave me the wrong guy’s jacket back. Whoever he is, he got the better end of the deal. Even first class on Delta is dicey.

Only one thing in this world could cheer me up, and that would be to take a third trip to Miami in three months. So after speaking at an event in Miami, some South Beach ladies would sure hit the spot.

I am not sure what is better, a first class flight from Detroit to South Florida, or just knowing that I am leaving Detroit and headed to South Florida.

Bring on the women. I’ve earned it.

Here is my speaking schedule.

Sunday, May 16, 2010—I will be speaking to the Miami, Florida, 9/12 Project Tea Party Patriots at 3pm. Please contact Maria Wadsworth for details.

Monday, May 17, 2010—I will be speaking to the Republican Club of the Northern Palm Beaches, Florida at 5pm. Please contact Linda Gore for details.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010—I will be speaking to the Boynton Beach Republican Club near Palm Beach, Florida at 11:30am. Please contact Carol Andrade for details.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010—I will be speaking to the Wynmoor Republican Club near Fort Lauderdale, Florida at 7pm. Please contact Sid Feldman for details.

Thursday, May 20, 2010—I will be speaking to the Lakeland Republican Women near Tampa, Florida at Lunch. Please contact Dena Stebbins DeCamp for details.

Time for sleep, food, and women in that order. Welcome to Miami, Spring Break Part III.

eric

Beating women is now legal…it’s about time!

Monday, May 10th, 2010

Yesterday was Mother’s Day, so I was nice to women. Enough warm and fuzziness. The gloves are back off.

Women have now been reduced to second class status. Beating them is now legal and encouraged.

It’s about d@mn time.

Not since Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corolla were on the “Man Show” has been being a member of the superior gender been so enjoyable.

I am so tired of the fact that men have to listen to women nag. I miss the old days where we can slap them in the mouth and end the conversation.

An old joke one of my former coworkers used to tell goes like this…

“What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?”

Answer: “Nothing. You already told her twice.”

Before the feminist hags and harpies get hysterical (too late), they should realize why I support violence against women.

I support it because they do as well.

Wait a minute. Didn’t you hear that loud press conference where the crybaby women burned their bras and asked for royal asskickings daily?

Perhaps you missed it. It was done quietly, the only time feminists are ever quiet about anything.

For those not paying attention to the NOW (with good reason, as always), a worthless organization declared open season on them.

The United Nations, which exists solely to hate America and Israel, named Iran to it’s human rights council dealing with women’s issues.

No wonder the Pelosiraptor put on a Burka when she went to Syria. They would have beaten the daylights out of her had she refused. She is pretty brave standing up to Republicans here, but boy did she know her place over there.

This UN action is consistent with the NOW caring not one bit about women.

Bill Clinton serially abused women. Ted Kennedy killed one. They are champions of women’s rights.

George W. Bush freed millions of women in the Middle East.

Sarah Palin balanced running an entire state and an entire family, producing a budget surplus and normal children.

Dubya and Palin are despised by the NOW.

Iran is a murderous regime led by a man who wants to kill all Jews and gays, and reduce all women to slaves.

Hey, if feminists like him, who am I to argue? He should beat up millions of women right now. What would women in this country say or do about it, something?

Come on. If he kills pregnant women, then he is pro-choice. He is on their side.

Some will say that just because the NOW are staying silent for the first time in their screaming, angry lives, does not mean they agree.

It is not like silence is acquiescence.

Oh wait, yes it is.

Women’s groups are protesting some immigration law in Arizona, despite the fact that the crime rate in Phoenix has killed many liberal women.

They are enraged over Arizona Governor Jan Brewer. They are silent over Iranian leader Armageddonijad.

These women know how to be assertive. Ask any guy who wants to watch football in peace when the trash has not been taken out.

So rather than fight for the rights of women, let’s just surrender. Let them be permanent second class citizens.

If that is what they want, that is what they deserve.

If somebody tried to take away my rights, I would scream bloody murder.

So go ahead Mr. Armageddonijad. Beat the daylights out of the women in your country. As long as you hate America and Israel, they will stay silent. Make derogatory remarks about George W. Bush and Sarah Palin, and the NOW will have you headline their next harpie convention. You will be treated better than a guest lecturer at a Poison Ivy league University.

As for the liberal women who object to my words, just shut up and sit down. You don’t matter. You said so yourself with your deafening silence.

Whatever you do, don’t criticize the United Nations or Armageddonijad. You might be mistaken for…heaven forbid…a conservative.

You stand for nothing, so you might as well sit there and shut up for once in your hypocritical leftist lives.

Now to watch sports and eat red meat. I hope my team beats the other team like they were women in Iran.

eric

Spring Break 2010 Revisited–Back in South Beach

Monday, April 5th, 2010

In 2008 and 2009, I was in committed monogamous relationships. This tragic occurrence had me unable to hang out in Miami for Spring Break.

For those wondering why I go on Spring Break and date young, bouncy, giggly, jiggly, brunettes…

Because I can.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2010/03/spring-break-2010-back-in-south-beach/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2009/03/spring-break-2009-south-beach-revisited/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2008/02/no-more-twinkies/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/miami-will-smith-is-100-right/

After a three year drought, knowing that my time frame to do this was declining faster than American civilization itself, I stormed Miami Beach in March. I got to hit my favorite hangout place, “The Clevelander.” I love that place.

Sunday had me on a plane for the 2010 equivalent of Sherman’s March to the Sea. On April 4th at night I landed in South Florida, and on April 8th I begin bouncing between Georgia, Alabama, and even a quick stop in Tennessee.

I can’t wait to experience the hot in Hotlanta. Any town named Buckhead has to be entertaining.

Scarlett O’Hara looks good, but standing next to her and her twin sister would be twice as nice.

There will be plenty of business on this trip. My schedule is below.

As for the rest, pleasure is business, and business is d@mn good.

Two Spring Breaks in one month.

Spring Break 2010 Part II is now in session. Time for Miami Beach.

Because I can.

eric

Monday, April 5, 2010—I will be speaking to the Southwest Florida Republican Women near Naples at 11:30am. Arbor Trace on Vanderbilt Dr. Please contact Anne Brown for details.

Monday, April 5, 2010—I will be speaking to the Southwest Broward Republican Club near Fort Lauderdale, Florida in the evening. Please contact Jay Narang for details. TENTATIVE

Tuesday, April 6, 2010—I will be speaking to the Southeast Broward Republican Club near Fort Lauderdale, Florida in the evening. Please contact Eddie Napolitano for details. TENTATIVE

Wednesday, April 7, 2010—I will be speaking to the Lauderdale Beach Republican Club in Florida at 5:30pm. Stained Glass Pub, 5126 N Federal Hwy. Please contact Bob Wolfe for details.

Thursday, April 8, 2010—I will be speaking to the Marshall County Republican Women’s Federated near Huntsville, Alabama, at Noon. Please contact Sherri Spurlin for details.

Thursday, April 8, 2010—I will be speaking at the Blount County GOP Lincoln Day Dinner near Knoxville, Tennessee, at 6pm. William Blount High School, 219 County Farm Road, Maryville, 37801. Please contact Susan Mills for details.

Saturday, April 10, 2010—I will be speaking to the North Dekalb Republican Women’s Federated in Atlanta, Georgia, at 10:30am. Embry Hills Shopping Center at the corner of I-285 and Chamblee-Tucker Road. Please contact Tammy Johnson for details.

Saturday, April 10, 2010—I will be speaking at the Rockdale GOP Candidates BBQ, Noon (3pm). Please contact Don Williamson for details.

Saturday, April 10, 2010—I will be speaking at the Oglethorpe County Pancake Supper at 4pm (5pm) near Atlanta, Georgia. Please contact Kirk Shook for details.

Monday, April 12, 2010—I will be speaking to the Birmingham Republican Women’s Federated in Alabama at their evening fashion show. Please contact Sallie Bryant for details.

eric

I am NEVER running for political office

Saturday, March 20th, 2010

I am NEVER running for political office.

Let me repeat this for those that are looking for hidden clues or ambiguous meanings.

I am not, nor will I ever, run for political office.

I do have a deep passion for politics, but being a politician will not happen.

I have been approached about running in the past.

Being a politician requires a certain level of ego. When speculation swirls around a potential politico, they get built  up until they start believing their own press clippings. Then once they give in and think they really are the second coming, the knives come out and they get destroyed.

For a few brief minutes a person might give in to the gloroius fumes and think they really are that special. Then they have to snap out of it because they are not.

Why would anybody want to be a politician when they can buy them? My goal is to get as wealthy as possible as quickly as possible. Politicians are puppets. Captains of industry are the real power.

I love being a private citizen. I do as I d@mn well please, and say whatever the heck I want. I do not have to be polite. I do not have constraints.

I have several friends running for Congress. One of them…everywhere we go, he is in a suit and tie. His suit is perfect, his shirt is pressed, and his tie is immaculate. I am wearing jeans, sneakers, and a Hawaiian shirt. I just don’t give a d@mn . My shirt is occasionally wrinkled, and I tuck it in when I feel like it.

Running for office is a pay cut and a loss of prestige.

More importantly, I have too many potential bimbo eruptions.

Most importantly, if I am lucky I plan to have many more.

I just got back from Spring Break in Miami. If I was running for office I could not even think about drinking a beverage out of a girl’s yummy bouncies.

“Yeah, but Eric, don’t you care about the greater good?”

You must be confusing me with anybody else. I like making money and hot brunettes. If that coincides with the greater good, fine.

When I am married, I will be an honorable and monogamous husband and father. I am single, and make no apologies for enjoying single brunettes and their yummy bouncies and all the rest.

I could just picture myself having a combative press conference with a hostile media.

“Eric, is it true you once gave a female congresswoman a spanking?”

“Yes. She was a very naughty girl. I turned her cherry red bottom redder than red state America.”

“Was it Michele Bachmann or Sarah Palin?”

“No, I wish. They are happily married, and you in the media are scumbags for bringing this issue up.”

“Are you too partisan?”

“Not at all. 20 years ago I would have spanked Barbara Boxer in a heartbeat. I am bipartisan.”

“Do you have any standards?”

“Yes, I would never date any of you in the media. I wouldn’t f*ck any of you with a stolen d*ck. You most likely all have communicable diseases given the number of people you screw on a weekly basis. The 2008 bailout package should have listed you as toxic assets.”

“What do you think of Drew Rosenhaus and Terrell Owens?”

“Next question.”

“Given that every other person on Earth is covering the health care debate, why aren’t you?”

“You just answered your own question, you dumb@ss. Every one else is covering it.”

“What if one of us in the media was a young Republican?”

“I’m in room 1217.”

“Don’t you think it’s hypocritical to be a Republican preaching family values while trying to screw everything you can get your hands on?”

“I never preached family values. What people do behind closed doors is not my business. You wish you were me. You are just like me, only more hideously ugly.”

“Don’t you think your life is morally wrong?”

“You are a member of the media. I could never sink that low.”

“Are you refusing to run because you have scandals?”

“It is a scandal if I keep it secret. I am laying it out there slower than I try to lay them on my tiger rug. Only an imbecile would listen to me disclose everything and then call it a scandal. Oh wait, again, you are members of the media.”

“Have you ever interacted with prostitutes?”

“Yes, I am talking to all of you in the media right now.”

“Do you think insulting us is going to help you develop a political career?”

“I am not running for office. I can say whatever I want. That reminds me. I wish I could slap every one of you across the face, and not in the loving way I slapped my ex-woman’s top quality grade A choice rump.”

(She is my ex, but ex-woman does not imply a sex change. She is 100% female.)

“Have you ever had homosexual sex?”

“No, but one woman a few years back had a really deep voice. I always check the Adams Apple first. As for the deep voiced girl, I am 80% convinced she was female.”

“Do you support waterboarding?”

“No, but I support motorboarding. I also support turning firehoses on media members. You have 30 seconds to clear the room before I turn this thing on. Look at me, my hose is gigantic.”

As I said, I am not running for political office.

None of these potential bimbo eruptions are deterring me. In the near future I will disclose the real reason I do not run for office. For now, as I conclude my non-announcement of my non-candidacy, I have only one thing to say to America as I do not run.

You’re welcome.

eric

Isolation Saturday

Saturday, March 6th, 2010

Lat week was lunch with the Arizona Federation of Republican Women. This is a big deal because it is a state event. Today I am speaking at a luncheon at the CRA Convention with Congressmen Ed Royce and Dana Rohrabacher.

Life on the road is great. I love every minute of the tour. Yet everything comes at a price, and last weekend was that price.

I drove from Tucson. I had Friday evening available and wanted to do Jewish things. There was stuff in Phoenix, but I was headed to Yuma. The people of Yuma are real nice, but it is not a Jewish area.

I have only lived in New York and Los Angeles, so going to an area without Jewish people is a surprise. There is only one Synagogue, and they only meet once a month. The same seems to be true in Lake Havasu and in Kingman.

If I were in Los Angeles, Saturday night would have me at Purimpalooza, surrounded by a bunch of friends and hundreds of potential Jewish ladies. This does not seem to be happening in Arizona.

I cannot be everywhere at the same time. Yet to quote Bruce Springsteen, somewhere along the line I slipped off track.

I am too hard driving. Too much of my life has been about pursuing money and power. This is because growing up I never had any.

Yet now at age 38, the career is clicking, and the women entering my life are getting much hotter. The problem is I have no time for them.

I could make the time, but for some reason I am not doing that.

When I was in my twenties, I spent so much time pursuing women that my career did not accelerate fast enough.

Now my career is clicking on all cylinders, and I have no time for romance. I have to make the time. I was never good at balance.

Yet I have always been honest with myself. Somewhere along the line I realized that if I had the choice to pursue power or women, power mattered more. If I can book a speaking engagement or a date, I would prefer the speaking engagement.

Saturday night was Purim. There were parties all over Los Angeles. Arizona is a lovely state, but with fewer Jews. A Friday night potluck Sabbath dinner would be nice. So would a Saturday night Purim party. Neither seemed to be happening.

I may meet a woman for drinks after the dinner, but that is not enough time to get to know somebody.

I have the best friends a guy could ask for, and I try to see them when I am in town.

I just want to make sure I do not slip into isolation. We all make choices, and if I am offered a choice tomorrow between a gig or a date I will again choose a gig.

I am set in my ways, and any consequences that come my way are my own.

Normally I am fine with this, but Purim is one of the biggest party nights of the year. Phoenix was too far from Kingman. Maybe something was happening in Las Vegas, but that was a crapshoot, a roll of the Las Vegas dice.

What it comes down to is that to quote the late Freddy Mercury of Queen, “I want it all.”

Well we cannot have everything. To quote Comedian Steven Wright, “Where would we put it?”

Yes there could be some young nubile Republican women at the dinner I am speaking at. I sure hope so.

What is done is done. I am wired the way I am, and for now romance has to be sacrificed.

I have work to do, and not a lot of time to get it done.

On to the next adventure.

eric

Violence Against Women–Sounds good to me

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

I have decided to endorse violence against women.

Men, it is open season. Brutalize away.

Despite my column “Light a candle, smack a woman” that rings in every Hanukkah, I used to actually be opposed to violence against women.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/12/light-a-candle-smack-a-woman/

Yet an event recently had me switch sides. Naturally, it was the National Organization for Women that made me see the light.

The NOW should be renamed the 4-H club. Maybe we can call it Hillary’s Horrid Hags and Harpies.

For those who have better things to do (meaning you are not a feminist), a quick recap is necessary.

A football player named Tim Tebow appeared with his mother in a Super Bowl ad. Mrs. Tebow was over 40 when she was pregnant with Tim. She was advised to have an abortion due to complications, and she refused due to her pro-life beliefs. She was not crusading against other women. She had a choice, and she chose life.

The purpose of the commercial was to advertise the pro-life cause.

Naturally pro-choice groups went into a tizzy, expecting an “offensive” commercial. The commercial was so mild that no reasonable person (again, excludes feminists) could have possibly been offended.

Yet the NOW exists for the purpose of being offended, and setting women’s rights back. In the same way racial grievance mongers act like it is still 1863, the NOW offers gender grievances as if the 19th Amendment had never happened.

Because the ad was pro-life, the NOW needed something, anything, to attack the ad. Unable to attack it on substance (big surprise, the left avoiding substance), the president of the NOW offered a ludicrous criticism.

Tim Tebow playfully “tackles” his mother in the ad.

For those living in real life and not fantasy land (once again, feminists exempted), no actual mothers were hurt during the ad. In a separate unrelated ad, 88 year old actress Betty White was belted and slammed to the ground in a pickup game. Apparently it was make believe, and Mrs. White is walking just fine.

The NOW president threw her tiara to the ground, and in hysterical hissy (oh wow, make it the 6H Club) fit fashion, decided that the Tebow add promotes violence against women.

http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/blogs/beltway-confidential/National-Organization-for-Women-upset-83814942.html

Therefore, I have decided to propose new ways to commit violence against women.

As tempting as it is to advocate duct taping NOW members mouth’s shut, that would be illegal unless they voluntarily wanted it. Even so, they are most likely too ugly to play bondage with anyway.

My first act of violence against women will involve invading random flower gardens and pulling all the petals off of the flowers.

Women are obviously delicate little flowers, too soft and fragile to withstand the slightest slights. I will pull every petal off of every flower and violently throw them to the ground. Instead of yelling, “she loves me, she loves me not,” I will chant, “I hate you, I hate you more.”

Plus, I hate foliage. Most feminists are environmentalists, another reason to attack flowers.

Next, I will be sabotaging the Lifetime network. I will be jamming the feed and replacing it with the NFL network. The only commercial on tv will be the Tebow commercial.

Next, I will send religious monks into NOW headquarters. The NOW is secular, so religious people showing up would freak them out. The monks will be equipped with a chalkboard, using illustrations to teach them how to take a vow of silence.

If I have to, I will order the monks to throw the flower petals at these women. The women might get injured upon being hit by the petals. Then again, some of them may swoon because they will see it as an act of love, the only time flowers have ever been near them.

At this point some feminists will claim that it is unfair to criticize all of them for the lunatics at the NOW.

Either people stand up and condemn the cancerous elements in their own movement, or they are complicit.  Silence is acquiescence.

The solution is to reach a compromise on the abortion issue. Conservative pro-lifers should keep breeding. However, if a radical feminist gets pregnant (most likely through en vitro fertilization), and a crystal ball shows that the child will grow up to join the NOW, an abortion must take place.

Women who complain that I am trivializing a group that fights real violence against women can shut up and sit down. Until they care about honor killings in Muslim nations, they are hypocritical has-beens (oh wow, the 8-H Club).

Until then, I need to go to the hardware store. It is not easy to take broken flower petals and duct tape them together, but it will be worth it.

eric