At the Washington Times Communities today I have my column about the 2011 National Organization for Women Conference.
They are to women what the horse and buggy is to transportation: old, haggard, useless, and decrepit.
eric
Archive for the ‘WOMEN’ Category
The 2011 NOW Left-wing Activism Conference
Tuesday, June 28th, 2011The Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies of 2011
Tuesday, June 21st, 2011Today is June 21st, the first day of Summer. As the weather gets hotter, it is time for the annual Summer kickoff. This is the 2011 official list of the Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies.
The list contains ten women on the left, ten on the right, and ten straight up that bodacious creamy middle.
Liberal women find the list sexist, as if women never rank men. Consider even having liberals on this list to be the sexual version of affirmative action.
Conservative women are usually flattered since they are secure enough with themselves to know that women can have beauty and brains.
Here are the lists from 2008, 2009, and 2010.
https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2008/06/the-top-120-political-yummy-bouncies/
https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2009/06/the-top-120-political-yummy-bouncies-of-2009/
https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2010/06/the-top-120-political-yummy-bouncies-of-2010/
To prove that this list involves brains as well as beauty, the dopey imbeciles known as Hollywood celebrities are not on the list. Having a political opinion does not make one political, nor does playing somebody political on a television show or in a movie suffice. The people on this list engage in politics for real.
With that, here are the Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies of 2011.
Democrats/Liberals:
10.) Maria Cantwell/Barbara Boxer
These women may both be dragging the Senate over the left cliff of sanity, but they are reasonably attractive. I am sure every man fantasizes over what Barbara Boxer must be like with laryngitis. Men who loathe her still think she could use a good spanking. She should have stayed brunette. Cantwell understands this.
http://www.lipmantimes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Cantwell.jpg
http://www.logicalrepublican.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/barbara-boxer-with-brown-hair.jpg
9.) Norah O’Donnell
She would have ranked higher like she has in past years but since she is on MSNBC, nobody watches her. She has 12 viewers. 8 of them are conservatives doing opposition research and 2 of them are lusty teenagers. Compared to the all male cast including Matthews, Schultz, and Maddow, at least Norah has estrogen.
http://www.morninpaper.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/norah-odonnell-small.jpg
8.) The slutwalkers
Women are threatening to engage in slutwalks. They are letting us all know that they will prance around scantily clad to teach us all a lesson. As long as they are young and attractive, fine by me.
http://knightnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/slutwalk5.jpg
7.) Tamara Holder
This tough liberal attorney is allowed to talk about the penal code whenever she wants. What is about lawyers named Holder screwing up the system? Unlike Eric, at least this Holder does not have a mustache.
http://www.about-knowledge.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/tamara-holder.jpg
6.) Tina Fey
In real life she is a typical elitist snob, a nobody on a show that was funny before she was born. She became a somebody by imitating a somebody, that being Sarah Palin. It is sad when your best accomplishment is being mistaken for somebody else, but that is what happens when one is on a television show thirty years past its golden years.
http://www.askmen.com/women/galleries/actress/tina-fey/picture-1.html
5.) Oprah Winfrey
After 25 years she is leaving television. Despite being a liberal, conservatives should always appreciate her for knocking Phil Donahue off the air. Also, we should fear her because she runs the world. Her boyfriend Steadman Graham is the current Attorney General.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZhsEFoELYqc/TQISLb_j4LI/AAAAAAAAAhQ/ld_v4egPUe8/s1600/oprah-winfrey.jpg
4.) Kirsten Powers
She dated the appropriately named yet slightly misspelled Anthony Weiner. She is a liberal who is sane. Conservatives can listen to her without suffering permanent ear damage. She is capable of offering reasonable analysis, which is probably why she broke up with Weiner to begin with. The pic of her has her giggling while the word “batteries” is on the ticker. What a naughty coincidence.
http://robertspuhler.typepad.com/.a/6a00d8341c919a53ef0148c73c0c2d970c-320wi
3.) Leslie Marshall
She is another liberal willing to concede that conservatives have a right to exist. I have sparred with her on her radio program. She is tough but fair. She is also hot.
http://www.allaccess.com/assets/img/editorial/raw/lm/lmarshall.jpg
2.) Alicia Menendez
She is a fiery latina leftist. Admit it men. Even if you are not listening to a word she is saying, she looks great saying it.
http://aliciamenendez.com/about/
1.) Alina Kabaeva
This pro-Kremlin woman reminds me of the 1980s movie “Secrets of the Red Bedroom.” She has been linked romantically to Vladimir Putin. Both deny this, but why does Vlady get women like this…because he can. The entire reason to be a dictator is to get women like this.
http://state-of-the-nation.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Alina-Kabayeva.jpg
Independents/Centrists:
10.) Cinnamon Stouffer
This CNN Headline News honey now goes by her middle name Linda. I remember a commercial from the 1980s “Help yourself to Stouffer’s Pizza.” I sure wish I could.
http://www.ranqit.com/viewimage.aspx?img=img*85*memb*5*
9.) Melissa Theuriau
She is a French journalist. To be French and non-detestable is commendable when graded on her very lovely curves.
http://neosexist.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/melissa-theuriau.jpg
8.) Amy Robach
The Today Show, like NBC itself, is so yesterday. Yet this woman is the loveliest thing they have seen since Jane Pauley was thrown overboard for not being hot enough. Shockingly enough, it was liberal white males who engaged in sexism while liberal women stayed silent.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/e1/Amy_Robach.jpg/200px-Amy_Robach.jpg
7.) Anita McNaught
This Fox News correspondent is so regal with that British accent. She is as sophisticated as it gets.
http://www.bigredtoybox.com/networkpages/anitamcnaught.jpg
6.) Erin Burnett
This CNN anchor is a new goddess that will hopefully be on the scene for some time.
http://www1.pictures.gi.zimbio.com/Meet+The+Press+7W7MRmCU-N3l.jpg
5.) Kiran Chetry
She was on Fox News, and she still was noticed for her beauty. That says a lot given the bevy of competition. Yet she moved to CNN and instantly rocketed to the top.
http://img2.timeinc.net/people/i/2008/news/080428/kiran_chetry.jpg
4.) Margaret Brennan
This Bloomberg Television beauty makes more than the market rise. For those who grew up on Maria Bartiromo, there is serious competition in the “money honey” department.
http://www.reportercaps.com/current/cnbc/margaret_brennan.jpg
3. Dierdre Bolton
Bloomberg Television now has the equivalent of the Doublemint Twins with another stunner. She is not related to the former United Nations Ambassador and she also does not have a mustache.
http://www.bloomberg.com/personalities/deirdre_bolton/
2.) Dagen McDowell
Whether on CNN or her current gig at Fox Business, she is still the Scarlett O’Hara of finance.
http://www.sobeautymag.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/dagen-mcdowell2.bmp
1.) Ruby the Heartthrob (Karima El Mahroug)
This 17 year old is why Silvio Berlusconi is the luckiest billionaire on Earth, assuming there are no consequences. The Italian Prime Minister and his Bunga Bunga sex parties gave us Ruby’s great bongos. Not only is she lovely, but Bunga Bunga is just fun to say. I think it involves trampolines. If Berlusconi did sleep with her, the answer is again the obvious. Because he can. That is the whole point of being a wealthy billionaire who runs an entire nation.
http://tv.rightcelebrity.com/wp-content/photos/Ruby_Heartthrob.jpg
Republicans/Conservatives:
There is going to be serious controversy with this list. While Shannen Doherty gets a lifetime beauty notice, she has not done anything political lately. Once she reenters the political arena, she will vault back to her customary perch atop the beauty list as the hottest woman on Earth.
Mary Katharine Ham is not on the list. She recently got married, and my wedding present to her is to spare her the indignity of this nonsense. She will most likely return next year.
There are so many stunning conservative women, and I own the calendar to prove it. I bought it at CPAC and Kate Obenshain autographed it. Yet like cutting a budget, tough choices have to be made and I made them.
10.) Jan Brewer
Yes, I know. Some of you think I have lost my ever loving mind. Hey, Racquel Welch is looking phenomenal at 70, and Joan Collins is still elegant. How can one not lust after a woman who is constantly mentioned in the same sentence as “crackdown.” She is on the forefront of law and order in America, and that is hot.
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/.a/6a00d8341c630a53ef013481534ea8970c-600wi
9.) Lisa Baron/Delia Lopez/Elizabeth Halseth/Mande Wilkes
Delia Lopez ran for Congress in Oregon in 2010. Elizabeth Halseth in 2010 entered the Nevada state legislature. Mande Wilkes ran for the state legislature in South Carolina. Lisa Baron is a Republican Jewish brunette who wrote a political sex book. The fact that she is not number one shows how amazing the women ahead of her are. Sadly enough, none of the women on this list to my knowledge are in her book.
http://www.tdbimg.com/files/2011/06/12/img-bs-bottom—goldberg-life-of-the-party_212037590383.jpg
http://www.dlopezforcongress.com/
http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/211884_100001074696095_5117528_n.jpg
http://www.gotpink.us/2elizabethhalseth01.jpg
8.) Mary Taylor
The Lieutenant Governor of Ohio is one of the least well known of the stunning Mama Grizzlies, but being second in line to John Kasich should make her stand out.
http://media.cleveland.com/open_impact/photo/mary-taylorjpg-cab67c2cac28a702.jpg
7.) Ellen Karis
This Greek goddess of conservative comedy is funny, and married to a Jewish guy. Sadly, that man is not me.
6.) Sarah Palin/Michele Bachmann
The two hottest women ever to run for the White House are also two of the nicest, sweetest, and downright loveliest. They are both hopelessly in love with their own husbands, which is sweet and beautiful, but unfair to all other men everywhere. Kristi Noem is a newcomer to Congress from South Dakota. May she stay forever. The right has Kristi Noem while the left have garden gnomes.
The pic of Palin is obviously fake, but it is so lovely I had to use it anyway. I have no evidence she listens to the Jonas Brothers.
http://images.sodahead.com/polls/000981361/Michele_Bachmann_1_xlarge.jpeg
5.) Andrea Tantaros
Continuing with the Greek Aphrodite theme, Andrea Tantaros remains the conservative woman easy on the eyes who will make your ears bleed if you get on her bad side. She may have been the one who found the heel of Achilles in the Iliad. She certainly understands what men like…her.
http://conservativeamerican.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/tantaros-freeper.jpg
4.) Jill Rowland
She ran for Congress in New York in 2010. The freezing winter is no match for her sultry warmth.
http://northshorejournal.org/rowland-for-congress-in-ny-28
3.) Carol Vorderman
This British bombshell was a game show host who is rumored to be politically supportive of the Tories. At age 50 she just beat out 27 year old Royal Pippa for England’s coveted “Rear of the Year” award. She laughed and admitted that she has always “had a big bum.”
http://www.dailyshame.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/carol-vorderman-940324692.jpg
http://autogasm.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/carolvordermanbendingover.jpg?w=348&h=487
http://www.graziadaily.co.uk/pub/21publish/f/fashion/2_844.jpg
2.) Rebecca Kleefisch
The Lieutenant Governor of Wisconsin is a smoldering beauty who sadly got married and had children before I could vote myself and send a diamond encrusted ballot. As the second in command to Governor Scott Walker, she is at the forefront of the battle to subdue the rabid, frothing unions. They are low and crass while she remains high class.
http://towleroad.typepad.com/.a/6a00d8341c730253ef013488887840970c-800wi
1.) Tzipi Hotovely
This Israeli legislator should change her name to “Simply So Lovely.” She belongs to Likud and really looks good. She may be the hottest conservative Jewish brunette on Earth. She came to Los Angeles, and left without me getting a chance to propose to her. Now she may never know that I am adding my name to the billions of men who want her. She is so hot that even Palesimian men put down their rocket launchers and try to launch themselves in her direction.
She is the Top Conservative Republican Yummy Bouncy of 2011.
http://www.knesset.gov.il/mk/images/members/Hotovely_Tzipi.jpg
http://www.israelnationalnews.com/static/pictures/resized/136-106/50/50195.jpg
http://www.tzipi.org.il/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/IMG_9267-e12898655979871.gif
The women on this list all have something in common besides being hot. They have never let me touch, smell, or taste them. I may have been allowed to look at them. Because they are hot, I listen to all of them.
These are the Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies of 2011.
As for any Republican Jewish brunettes who let me enjoy their yummy bouncies this calendar year, thank you very much.
Now to sleep and to dream about about them while counting them. 4…8…12…zzzzz
eric
The NOW/Anthony Weiner 2011 Summer Trouserthon
Sunday, June 12th, 2011Every man in America who has ever taken a picture of his own (redacted) should mail the pics to the National Organization for Women. They love that stuff. If it bothered them, they would comment about Anthony Weiner. Come on guys, give the NOW what they want.
If women can do a Slutwalk March, then let’s declare June 19th the first annual 2011 Male Summer Trouserthon.
All men are ordered to drop trou in front of NOW members until they criticize Anthony Weiner. All other women not in the NOW should be treated with respect.
Those unwilling to drop trou should send the NOW discount coupons for hot dogs. All hail Trouserthon 2011!
This will be an all day event on Sunday, June 19th, 2011. There will be fun for the entire family, unless the family consists of NOW members. After all, they do not know how to have fun.
The official mascot of the event Trouserthon 2011 will be the NOW Ostrich. Every time we show a picture of a liberal behaving badly, the mascot will run around aimlessly and then stick his head in the sand.
There will be comedians performing at Trouserthon as well.
“The problem with women is their standards. They have them. So my hope is that 90% of men act worse so I can be one of the best with less effort…yet they should not act so badly that women give up on all of us. it is hard work maintaining such a delicate balance.”
“Maybe Anthony Weiner was smart to take pics. I have been trying to prove for years that I fathered Elizabeth Hurley’s baby and nobody believes me. I wish I had the proof. Would I pay child support for 18 years just for bragging rights? Ummm, yeah.”
“The real Anthony Weiner scandal is that despite destroying his family in a sex scandal, he did not actually get to have sex with anyone. Even Deuce Bigalow had sex with one of them! 100 years from now teenage boys will learn about Weiner and feel better about themselves. Somebody stamp a scarlet L on this loser’s forehead.”
In an attempt to appeal to the sensitive sissy beta males, there will even be poetry readings. However, it will still be alpha male poetry.
“As I kissed her lips sweet as molasses, she wiggled her hips and broke my glasses.”
The official movie of Trouserthon 2011 will be “Old School.” A costume contest will give prizes to those most resembling Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, and Luke “The Godfather” Wilson. For those who want to play in the Jello wrestling ring, one must either be young, nubile, and female, or resemble Joseph “Blue” Pulaski as seen in the movie.
There will be musical interludes.
To quote Humpty Hump of Digital Underground, “I don’t go nowhere without my jim hat. Cause if I’m rapping as if she’s clapping then I’m strapping cause I’m smarter than that.”
The Divinyls offer wisdom by crooning, “I don’t want anybody else, cause when I think about you I touch myself.”
I personally don’t like to touch myself because I don’t know where I’ve been, but Anthony Weiner does not have that problem.
So for those of you who grew up (or never did) in the 80s, break out your jams. Mine have red, yellow, blue, and black fishies on them. Hey, fishies are more manly than duckies.
There will be waterslides.
There will be plenty of food. Naturally there will be Weiner on a stick among other yummy noshables.
Think of this as a combination of a carnival, a circus, and a bazaar, not to be confused with a bizarre. That would be Anthony Weiner.
There will also be parlor games similar to what one would find at Six Flags. One can throw beanbags at bottles with pictures of Congressman Weiner, John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dominique Strauss-Khan, Eliot Spitzer, Bill Clinton, and Ted Kennedy on them.
Only men that the NOW gives a free pass to will be featured. Those actually criticized for their misdeeds will be spared.
After clips of “Old School” are played on the big screen, there will be a drinking contest in honor of “Frank the Tank.” The winner gets a Matchbox car shaped like the Ted Kennedy mobile that drove off the Chappaquiddick Bridge as the NOW stayed silent. It will even have an action figurine shaped like the late Senator Kennedy. Naturally, the figurine will be pantsless.
Get ready guys. The NOW/Trouserthon 2011 is seven days away.
Let’s party until there are consequences, which according to the NOW and Congressman Anthony Weiner is never.
eric
Self-loathing Jew Anthony Weiner also loathes Jewish women
Wednesday, June 8th, 2011We now know that apparently the Weiner dog does not like his kosher.
My column at the Washington Times reflects the new bile from Congressman Weiner attacking Jewish women.
To quote the New York Post, “Erections have consequences.”
http://michellemalkin.com/2011/06/09/feckless-feminists-wimp-out-on-weinergate/
http://blogs.forward.com/sisterhood-blog/138356/
The disgusting human being that was born into this world Anthony Weiner has actually managed to add a new layer to an already tawdry sex scandal.
My freshmen year some of us would drive to Mount Saint Mary’s for what we called a “taste of Catholicism.”
Unlike Congressman Weiner, I grew up.
I would let Congressman Weiner read my diary except I was too lazy to write one.
There is nothing better than a Friday night Sabbath service followed by taking a Hebrew hottie and bouncing her (redacted), tasting her (redacted), enjoying every ounce of her (redacted) until she (redacted) loud enough to have the fire department show up and turn on the hoses.
Congressman, how do you know that a Jewish woman won’t show up at your door on Hanukkah wearing only a strategically placed blue and white Hanukkah bow? Wouldn’t you want your own festival of lights? Have you ever thought of asking?
Jewish women, I have tried some of the rest. You really for me are the best.
eric
Dear Mom 2011
Sunday, May 8th, 2011Dear Mom,
As you know today I am flying from South Carolina to Kentucky. Given that you live in neither of these places, it looks like we will not be having brunch. Plus, even if I was in Florida you know I like to sleep in anyway.
While much of the year is my reminding you that you hit the lottery by bringing me into this world, I have to admit that I and everybody else on this Earth who knows about you has benefited more from you.
This is not to deemphasize my spectacular achievements, but you are older than me and have had more time to develop a loyal following.
There are many things I want to say, but it is nobody else’s business. So I will call you today.
You are the best mom in the world. You let me raid the fridge and even let me drink the soda water that is for dad. I am terrible at replacing it but I do not know where you go shopping.
From visiting sick patients in the hospital on a regular basis to being charitable and kind toward everybody, people think I am fantastic when they think I do those things. Then I correct the record and say it is you doing them, not me. I still take credit for it since I come from a family who does wonderful things.
I pray for you and dad every night. I even tell God that if he has to choose between good health for you and dad, and giving me lots of money, power, and women, he should help you and dad first.
After all, even a wrathful angry God cannot find fault with a guy praying for his parents.
I know you pray for me as well, and that is why I am so blessed in this world.
I would tell you what is going on in sports today, but I doubt you care any more about that since I last saw you. Some teams scored more points than others, which is still what leads to them winning. Golf is an exception where the low score wins.
As a kid I wondered why there was no Son’s Day. Now as an adult I realize that Son’s Day was every day of your life.
I am the luckiest individual on this Earth outside of Dad.
Nothing makes me happier in this world than knowing what a great mom I have.
Don’t get me wrong, if it turns out you and Dad have a billion dollars stashed somewhere I would not mind retiring early and spending my remaining years pursuing various women. Then again I might be disappointed that both of you held out on me during my junior high school years when being rich would have really helped matters socially.
Anyway, the love you still give to me this day is endless, and so is your patience. I don’t know how you do it, but I am glad you do.
I love you Mom. Happy Mother’s Day from your darling son.
eric
Deep Southern Fried Religious Beauty
Sunday, March 27th, 2011“Come in, come in, we’ll do the best we can…
Come in, come, bring your whole bloody clan…
Take it slow and easy, and I’ll shake you by the hand…
Sit you down, and treat you decent, I’m an Irishman.”
No, I have not officially lost my marbles. A 10 day barnstorming tour of the Deep South led to some awesome foods, interesting social interactions, and cultural experiences I will always cherish.
I was invited to speak in Alabama at the Birmingham Irish Cultural Society St. Patrick’s Day Dinner.
For those wondering, to the best of my knowledge I am 0% Irish. So I was as floored about the invite as anybody else. I am a Brooklyn born New York Jewish fella who was offered an olive branch by Irish Catholics in Alabama. I would like to thank Shana Kluck for setting it up.
I only spoke for about 5 minutes, and then got to observe traditions that were as foreign to me as they were enjoyable. There was the “Tapping of the Furcan,” where a sledgehammer is used to lightly tap the handle on the beer keg in place, making it official to drink from.
Yes, there was a whiskey tasting part of the evening, but I was not interested in perpetuating negative stereotypes. People in the room ate, drank, and were merry, but nobody was falling down drunk. There was no fighting. There were just good people having a great time.
I did not know what to say. It is one thing for a person to poke fun at his own culture, but as an outsider I was not going to make Irish jokes based on overplayed stereotypes. So instead I decided to poke fun at those who do not understand the Irish.
“I called my dad and asked him if I should make a joke about Haggis. He pointed out that Haggis was Scotland, and wanted to know how I could not know the difference between Ireland and Scotland. I reminded him that I went to a New York public school.”
One thing I was able to reinforce within myself was that the Irish and the Jews do share some common bonds. They came here for a better life, faced discrimination, and yet emphatically embraced the American Dream. Despite “Irish need not apply” signs, they helped build this country. Irish communities found the perfect balance between maintaining their heritage and loving their new nation.
The only exposure to Irish culture I had before this evening was watching a few episodes of “The Cavanaughs” a couple of decades ago. It was actually a good show, with Barnard Hughes as the lead character and Art Carney occasionally showing up as the older brother that Hughes referred to as “The Weasel.”
One of the band leaders playing Gaelic music told me he was actually Irish Jewish. There truly are Jews everywhere.
As for the Birmingham Irish Cultural Society, I cannot thank them enough for welcoming me into their hearts and extending a hand of friendship. Irish people are known for this warmth, and so are people from Alabama. The kindness was understandable.
Yet at some point it was time to leave corned beef and cabbage behind and get back to my traditions involving matzoh ball soup. March 17th was St. Patrick’s Day, but the Jews also have a holiday involving heavy doses of libations to the point of incoherence. We actually have two of these holidays, and March 19th was Purim.
My favorite Purim moment was when one of my inebriated friends a decade ago yelled out “Who is that Amish guy and why is he wearing the Rabbi’s pants?”
This Purim had me in Bristol, Tennessee. By sheer coincidence, this was the week where over 100,000 NASCAR fans from across the country descended on Bristol for the race. For the fifth straight time, Kyle Busch won at Bristol.
The town does not have an official Rabbi, but Rabbinical student Jason Levine comes from Cincinnati twice a month to provide Jewish life for the small but proud Jewish community in Northeastern Tennessee.
He explained to us why dinosaur meat was not kosher, but the main theme of his remarks was a special NASCAR Purim. He blended in the traditions of Judaism with the best traditions of stock car racing.
Afterwards the community played Jewish trivia and NASCAR trivia, and indulged in some March Madness college basketball games.
While Alabama and Tennessee alone would have been Dayenu (sufficient, a Passover reference coming up), Georgia added a whole new level of religious fun.
Ahavath Achim Synagogue in Atlanta had AAbsolut Shabbat. Perhaps an alcohol reference would be better had the initials of the temple not been AA, but everybody is a critic. It was a great service.
A rock band blasted out the Jewish tunes. Guitar solos had me thinking about how cool it would be if Aerosmith or Guns n Roses were Jewish.
(I looked years ago. They are not.)
I had never been to such an intense awesome service before. The band rocked on for close to two hours as passengers chimed in and people danced with passion.
Most Jewish services are followed by some wine and bread, or maybe coffee and cakes. This one had a taco bar. For those wondering how a taco bar fits in, I have no idea. All I know is that tacos are tasty. It was a great Sabbath.
From the Irish in Alabama to the NASCAR Jews in Tennessee to the Hard Rocking Jews in Georgia, Birmingham, Bristol, and Atlanta made for an exciting 10 days.
I hung out with a gay Democrat in Birmingham, encountered one woman who on a whim moved from Birmingham to Bogota, Columbia, and found people in Tennessee who like me love Pat Summitt and loathe Lane Kiffin.
Oh yeah, and the politics was great. The Republican Women’s Federated ladies are real conservative in these parts. I spoke to their state delegation in Alabama and a local Tennessee chapter. I also got to meet the Republican Jewish Coalition of Knoxville. Yes, they exist, and they are loud and proud.
Also, as we all know, Southern women are some of the hottest women in America. When a Southern woman bats her eyelashes, I end up doing things I would not normally do.
One woman who put the hot in Hotlanta suggested I try eating “Beaver Balls.”
There are so many remarks I could make, all of which would get me an angry phone call from my parents.
So all I can say is that I ate Beaver Balls, and the cliche is true. They tasted like chicken, and aren’t half bad with taters. I also enjoyed eating at the Garage Cafe and Sweet Lips Diner, despite neither of them serving Beaver Balls.
So between food, women, and cultural and religious experiences, there was some serious Deep Southern fried religious beauty on this trip.
A flight back to Los Angeles is temporary. The Deep South is too beautiful not to go back to. Maybe there is an Indian festival in Mississippi I could attend. If not, they should start one and give me the credit. If there is alcohol, it could be called “Saki and Seikhs.” Given that they do not drink, perhaps this idea should stay on the shelf.
As for me, I know where I will be soon enough, after some stops in Florida, New York, Kentucky, and Ohio.
I’ll be flying down the highway headed West…in a streak of black lightning called the (bandit) Tygrrrr Express.
On to the next adventure.
eric
Love and Reflection on Valentine’s Day
Monday, February 14th, 2011“It’s just an old-fashioned love song…playing on the radio…it’s just an old-fashioned love song…it’s the kind they made for you and me.”
Politics will wait another day as today is the annual celebration of love.
Over the last 39 years I have loved, lost, loved some more, and lost some more. I am at peace, with zero regrets. While I believe in and look forward to being a husband and father, I absolutely enjoy being able to do whatever I d@mn well please whenever I d@mn well please, which is always.
When I look back at loves past, I truly believe I am better off being married to none of them. A couple are married to other people. One became a lesbian.
Yet the one thing I take away from these women is how lucky I have been in terms of their humanity. Only two of them were truly bad people, and that was in college. I can honestly say that the rest of them meant well. Since graduating college, I have been fortunate enough to avoid dating a single malicious woman.
Three of them were crazy. They had varying forms and degrees of mental illness. My unwillingness to understand and empathize is something I have to live with. They wanted to be rational but they simply could not process information the way a mind should. This is unfair to them, but life is unfair. I am short while tall athletes make millions dunking basketballs.
A couple of them were shallow. There was more than a hint of snobbery.
A couple of them were liberal activists blinded by their causes.
A couple of them were whiners and low achievers. I was too ambitious for them.
Yet on this day of love, I am determined to say something positive about all of them. Their names have been redacted. Even their nicknames have been redacted.
1991–You were a tormented individual raised by a man who put you through hell. After years of being a mess, I read that you finally met someone and found the stability you desperately craved.
1992–You were one of the sweetest human beings on Earth. I was young and stupid. You were a kind, gentle soul, and you deserved much better. You married a good man and have a family, and you deserve every bit of happiness that I was too mature at age 19 to give you.
1993–You really had venom built up. I hope your turn to lesbianism allows you to find the happiness you never had when you were with men.
1994–You humanized me, and smoothed my rough edges. You stuck with me through some tough times. I even remember once when I was so busy studying that I forgot to eat. You snuck out to the cafeteria and brought me back a hamburger. You are a bright woman, and all of your success in marriage and your career is well earned.
1996–2000–Lots and lots of sex. I would have given it all up just for one real meaningful relationship. Just kidding. I got it out of my system, allowing me to enjoy monogamous relationships with ease. Ringing in the Millennium in Las Vegas with a bang was pleasant, but seeing a guy climb a telephone pole and get electrocuted was not cool. It happened before Midnight, so it was a 20th Century horror.
2001–You are a good person who after years of struggling, finally figured out what your illness was. This has allowed you to educate other people about it. Although there are things you cannot do, you never stop trying. That is commendable.
2002–I was 30 and you were 19. Yet you were mature for your age, and you saved my life. You heard me snoring in my sleep and told me I stopped breathing. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I had surgery to correct the problem. If it was not for you, I may not be alive today. Also, you were an incredibly nice and smart girl.
2002–You were 20 and we were just too different. I was attracted to you physically but we had nothing in common on any other level. I could have been more attentive, and am thrilled you met a nice guy and got married. You truly deserve that.
2003–After a string of young ones you at age 40 were 9 years older than me. You were a volatile woman, and too much for me to handle. Your nakedness was always appreciated, given your hotness.
2004–Ok, so the sex without commitment was not totally out of my system. 2004 helped.
2005–You were a sweet, gorgeous woman 9 years my senior. Your environmental activism bothered me to the point where I still want to run Prius drivers off the road. Yet you cared about me with an open heart, and I am thankful for that. Your enthusiasm for getting naked was always great. Also, I really did love that adorable dog of yours and missed him very much after we broke up. My friends all liked you, and said you were the best of the bunch. Outside pressures split us up, but I could have done much better telling those outside pressures to ind their own business. I did not put you first, and I should have.
2006–Did I say it was out my system? Perhaps not.
2007–You were a very smart woman. We totally disagreed on politics, but you were kind about it. You were so quiet that getting you to speak required pliers. Yet you had a really great heart, and the reason the breakup was so amicable was because you were so kind. Laying on the couch with you was a peaceful experience in my stressful world.
2008–Some of my best life memories were with you, and in some of them you had clothing on. Our trip to Israel will always stay with me. I wanted to stay friends and regret that you didn’t. Like me, you were married to your career. I hope one day you find balance, if you have not already.
2009–You are one of the kindest, sweetest people on Earth. Your family contains the best people in this world. You wanted to stay friends and I pushed you away, perhaps due to my experience a year earlier. Although we were not meant to be, I have only positive things to say about you, and your parents are awesome. I wish you a lifetime of happiness.
2010–Your illness causes you to process things the wrong way and get angry. I could not handle the volatility. Yet I did love you when we were together and you were the only one. You are a smart accomplished woman who deserves a patient man. For what it is worth, my parents loved you and really wanted you to be their daughter-in-law. You wanted to stay friends and I pushed you away. I felt I had to. I hope that the many problems you faced through no fault of your own somehow recede and allow you to lead a happy life. As silly as it sounds, the effort you put into something as simple as making me hot dogs was a reflection of your putting your heart into everything. Your inner and outer beauty were always apparent to me. Even after I wanted out, I still prayed for you and cared about you as a person. I still do.
2011–No further information will be given at this time, since I would be shocked if anybody read this far. I will just say that I am very happy and at peace.
As for a couple women that were just friends…
To that girl from Brooklyn I liked at age 11, I am so glad you are happy as a wife and mother. You always were a cool girl.
To that girl in New Jersey I adored from age 11 to age 14, I am glad we are still friends. You had a bumpy road but are now enjoying life as a wife and mother. You are one of the sweet people in this world, and deserve every ounce of happiness brought your way. You are still the coolest fashionista I know.
To that woman I lusted after when I was 18 and you were 25, for 20 years I wondered what happened to you. In 2010 I found out, and hope God brings you and your loved ones peace and happiness always. You are even hotter now in your 40s than in your 20s. I am glad we are friends.
I wish everybody a happy Valentine’s Day. More importantly, I wish you happy days today and beyond.
Without love, there is no life. May love be with you all now and forever.
eric
My animal rights heroism
Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010I will not be covering the North Korea skirmish with South Korea because we do not have all the facts. It could be anything from World War III to a mistake (yeah right). Nothing should be ruled in or out.
I will also not be spending any more time on the Thanksgiving Day airport situation because my attempt to have the ladies on Desperate Housewives turned into honorary airport security for the week has failed. Without Teri Hatcher or Eva Longoria doing the frisking, I think I will stay home.
So today is a day for me to be lighthearted and thankful that I do not have to observe Gloria Allred groaning in pleasure as some sweaty behemoth plays with her granny panties.
The one man who has had the good fortune to be me is quite lucky and blessed indeed.
Those living vicariously through me have witnessed or observed my greatness.
There was the time I gave up my seat to a black woman on a bus, making me the second coming of Rosa Parks. The fact that I was getting off at that stop anyway is irrelevant.
There was also the time when I spoke to a woman without staring at her cleavage.
Yes, she was hideous, but that is immaterial. I did not look at her at all, champion of feminism that I am.
I became a hero of the gay rights movement by offering a brilliant compromise of allowing gay rights for homosexual men but condemning the behavior for lesbians. I even compromised further, allowing ugly lesbians to do as they pleased. Critics accused me of just trying to get more hot women for myself. Those critics have no idea the burden I bare being a bra burning feminist.
(I wonder who’s bra that was anyway. I hope she does not want it back.)
So it is in this vein (or vain perhaps) that I reveal my animal rights heroism.
Yes, you read that correctly. I am a hero to the animal rights movement.
Some of you may point out that I am to the right of Ted Nugent when it comes to the philosophy of beef, which is kill it and grill it.
(On Thanksgiving Thursday, stabbing a turkey with a fork is a guilty pleasure, although the turkey is already dad and quite flavorful thanks to the good makers of Swanson dinners.)
I also agree with Nugent on his philosophy of “Wang, dang, sweet (redacted),” but that is for another day.
Anyway, back to me being a hero and animal lover.
The year was 2006. I was in Honolulu. The country bar was “Nashville Waikiki.”
For those confused, I was not in Tennessee. I was in Oahu, Hawaii. It was a country music bar on Kuhio Avenue.
I saw “her.” I will not elaborate about her, because she was your standard hot raven-haired Goddess…no biggie.
Yet I know that nothing warms the hearts of most women like trees and animals. I have no idea why, but flora, fauna, and furry fuzzies make them want to visit the island of fornicatia.
As for me, if one thing gets my hackles up, it is abuse of animals. It is one thing to eat beef, but barbecuing dogs and cats is totally unacceptable!
(This is how liberals operate. They make a statement nobody could possibly disagree with, and then accuse you of being insensitive for not saying it first, meaning you do support the evil action. I am against using goat horns to violate women, which means that everybody else I dislike supports doing this and are misogynists for not taking up the cause without me “prodding” them.)
Some barbarians actually eat horse meat, which is illegal. According to my Dennis Leary handbook on animals, we are only supposed to care about the cute ones. Otters and seals get to live. Cows are steaks and baseball gloves.
Well horsies are adorable, and it is high time somebody stepped in and saved them all.
So in the spirit of protecting these noble creatures, I needed to let this brunette Goddess know how I felt about combating the evil and brutality involved with hurting these animals.
I walked toward her, and with inspiration from animal lovers Big and Rich, showed my compassion.
“Sweetness,” I said to her…
“Save a horse, ride a cowboy.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt0_oPPK6eA
With that, she understood my message. I was a lustful humanitarian.
“I saddle up my horse, and I ride into the city…
I make a lot of noise, ’cause the girls they are so pretty…
Riding up and down Broadway, on my old stud Leroy…
All the girls say ‘Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.'”
So to that cowgirl who was part Nashville, part Waikiki, and 100% brunette Goddess, I would like to thank you for helping me spread my…cause.
Even a guy who is 5 ft 5 can be tall in the (side) saddle.
I will not rest until every animal is saved or I am exhausted, whichever comes first.
No need to thank me. I was just doing what I (lusted) loved.
To all of those horses (and horses’ hides also known as animal rights activist zealots) who are alive today because she decided to save a horse and ride a cowboy, there is only one thing to say.
You’re welcome. I would do it again…and again…and again.
eric
The Next Republican Jewish Brunette…Bring it on Woman!!!
Friday, November 19th, 2010Screw tactfulness. This is business and personal.
Apparently I am single again.
I am so busy with work that I don’t even have time to pursue women. This should never happen. Last night it occurred to me that I have a mailing list of 11,000 people. It is time to start putting you all to work.
You all know women that I don’t. Introduce me to them.
Ok, that was the easy part. Now for the hard part.
I know exactly what I want.
I want a Republican Jewish brunette who likes football.
Some of you may recall that I was recently involved with that type of woman.
As for why the relationship broke up, I am going to follow the example of one of my political heroes, George W. Bush. Criticism of the previous romantic administration will not be found here. Publicly I will say she had many good qualities, and anything negative is private and kept on lockdown.
Here are some things I have observed in terms of past relationships, so that I can clarify what I want.
“Republican Jewish brunette who likes football” is not as simple as it sounds. It leaves too much open.
Being politically right of center is a must. Yet agreeing with me is insufficient. We do not need to spend every minute of the day discussing politics, but my career is political. At any moment somewhere in the United States, I might be asked to do an event with a senator or governor, which means they fly me out and put me up in a hotel. This is what I do. I need a political wife, one who likes hobnobbing at political functions. She has to be ok with the rubber chicken circuit, and my traveling for business. We will be a political power couple.
Jewish does not mean “willing to convert.” I have been burned before. The conversion process is arduous. I want somebody already Jewish by all legal religious standards. If you had a legal conversion, that is fine. I want somebody who is proud to be Jewish. Level of religiosity is less important than simply being comfortable and happy around Jewish people. This means socializing from time to time at Jewish dinner parties, and raising Jewish children.
The wife will have 99% of the say in terms of what type of house we have. While I have a deep respect for other religions, I do not practice them and they will not be in my home.
Brunette is a preference, not a deal-breaker.
I like to watch NFL Football on Sundays. We can do whatever you want to do Monday through Saturday. On Sundays I like to watch my games. Please respect that. You can watch with me or go do something else. Complaining you are bored and unable to understand how a guy can spend his Sunday indoors is not ok.
(I love my dad, but he has said this to me many times.)
Everybody should have a passion for something, and mine is football. I play in a league as well.
So if you are politically liberal, do not tell me you are open-minded. I am not. I want a Republican woman. I have dated liberals before. If I just liked politics, that would be one thing. It is my career.
No schoolteachers or social workers. You are all bleeding heart liberals. If you are a Republican in these professions, I would be shocked, and willing to consider it. I do not get along well with people in the entertainment industry. I am willing to ogle your backside from time to time, but not snort cocaine off of it.
I am a hard-charging corporate Type A guy. I want a corporate, professional woman. I have always been attracted to Wall Street type women. Legal and medical professionals are great as well.
Most importantly, I am an extrovert. I cannot date introverts. If you are shy, quiet, and mousey, I will overwhelm you. Aggressive is fine.
You must be fun. Fun is subjective, but I have long-lasting friendships. All of my friendships are long-term. They will tell you I am a fun guy to be around, gregarious and jovial. I do not drink or smoke, but love socializing and people-watching.
My favorite cities regarding women:
1) Brooklyn–The best women in the world. Moxie!
2) Miami–South Beach rocks.
3) Deep South–Lord have mercy.
I find too many women in Los Angeles to be toxic, but will not rule it out. I can’t. I live here. There are too many women in the professions I dislike and not enough corporate women here.
Here are some things that various women have done over the years that I liked a lot.
1) Cosmic Bowling—lights low…we danced in the alley to the music.
2) July 4th–At a beach party at a house, we climbed up on the ledge and danced under the fireworks.
3) One woman grabbed my arm and took me on the dance floor. Aggressive, but I liked her moxie.
4) Halloween–Matching costumes at the freak show in West Hollywood, making friends with total strangers.
5) Hanukkah–I love Hanukkah, and so did she. I hope you do as well.
I love going to restaurants. I will dress up if I absolutely have to. I will dress up above the waist and put on a sport jacket, but jeans and sneakers thank you much.
My two main rules are…1) Don’t be shallow. 2) Don’t be crazy.
If you think you are better than the waiter serving us, get lost. If you have a variety of illnesses, I gave to charity at the office and am tapped out. I am healthy and want that in a partner.
Oh, and I eat red meat and refuse to drive hybrids. Meat tastes good and Pious (Prius) drivers are insufferable. Worse than being on the left politically, they drive slowly in the left lane.
Ok, so I said what I wanted. What am I willing to give?
A ton. If you want to be a wife and mother, I am eager to become a husband and father. I have had a great single life, but I want my partner in crime. Tell me what you want and need. The worst that can happen is I cannot give it. Not everybody is a match. I come from a good family, and my family and friends would welcome you in with open arms. Also, I have my act together. I hope you do as well.
So for those of you out there who thinks you know somebody I could be happy with, or at the very least share mutual toleration, send her my way.
After all, I am not on Facebook to play computer games. I use this site for business.
Pleasure is business, and business is personal.
Please send your recommendations privately.
Lastly, I only want one woman. I am totally into the monogamy thing.
eric
The Miami Shark and I broke up
Saturday, November 6th, 2010The Miami Shark and I broke up.
It was an intense 5 months, and it is over.
In keeping with how I am, I will never publicly say a bad word about her. She remains an intelligent, beautiful woman with a good heart inside.
There was no alcohol or drug abuse. I did not beat her, nor was there any infidelity. She was the only one.
A part of me will always love her, but ending this relationship was absolutely the right thing to do.
We are both very intense and strong-willed individuals, and that made for passion and friction.
I hope that God gives her a lifetime of happiness.
We are both better off apart, but she will be missed.
eric