THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

Thank the heavens. Finally there is resolution to a non-scandal I never cared about. Now America can get back to talking about the only thing less important in this world, that being the Royal Wedding.

Ok, enough talk about the Royal Wedding.

I have never cared about the Obama birth certificate issue. I repeatedly said that Barack Obama is a Christian born in Hawaii. While there are public schools that may not know Hawaii is a state, it actually is. I have also repeatedly stated that Mr. Obama loved the birth certificate issue because it made his critics look like frothing lunatics.

Sometimes people conceal stuff because they are hiding something. Bill Clinton his his medical records and Hillary Clinton sealed off her college thesis. Actually, everything the Clintons did was concealed in Whitewater fashion. John Kerry did backflips to prevent people from seeing that he had lower grades than George W. Bush, while Al Gore did not want people knowing that he flunked out of law school and divinity school.

Yet sometimes people conceal stuff because they have nothing to hide. Then the critics look foolish. I felt this was the birth certificate issue.

The issue was pointless because even if he had been born in Kenya, he would not have been fired on the spot. A lengthy impeachment trial would have taken place. 67 votes would have been required for a conviction. That never would have happened. Even if it did, Joe Biden would then have become President. Nobody wants that, and having him run for reelection as an incumbent would have only helped him. So there was no political upside to pursue this.

Pursuing the birth certificate issue was a distraction from the fact that Mr. Obama conceals virtually everything. I would have loved to have seen his college transcripts. A birth certificate tells people where Mr. Obama started his life. A college transcript gives insight into his actual views. It is too late for that now, but had the lazy slobs in the media done their jobs, maybe we would have known his thinking.

(He could always say he was younger then, but it would have been a conversation worth having. Thesis papers do matter.)

I now admit that Mr. Obama was not born in New York. My theory about him being created in an IBM laboratory has been debunked. I figure Alfred E. Neuman mated with IBM hardware, creating the computer that is our leader. It would explain the lack of empathy and emotion. Maybe IBM had a satellite office in Hawaii. Donald Trump should keep his investigators in Honolulu.

(One thing about Trump, the Celebrity Apprentice star sure got Obama to crack in ways nobody else could. That absolutely is a victory for him simply by forcing Mr. Obama to act.)

Now Mr. Obama may be pressured to release his social security number. He should not do this unless he wants every college fraternity to be ordering pizza and beer and charging it to the White House. The FBI financial crimes division will have to spend hours monitoring every transaction at Bloomingdales for fraud.

So what was the big deal? What was Mr. Obama trying to hide?

His mother.

That’s right, the issue was never Barack Hussein Obama. It was Stanley Ann Dunham.

That’s right. His mother’s name is Stanley.

Stanley? Are you kidding me?

This explains everything.

Barack Obama’s mother was obviously a hermaphrodite.

On the television show “South Park,” we found out that Eric Cartman’s mother was really also his father. Matt and Trey Stone were simply trying to offer a thinly veiled clue to the truth about President Obama.

If my mom was named Stanley I would keep that quiet as well. On “the Honeymooners,” Ed Norton told Ralph Kramden that if he wanted his son to grow up to be a fighter, “Name him Percy. He’ll get into a lot of fights then.”

This explains why Barack Obama is the most effeminate man in American politics not named John Edwards. Mr. Obama did bowl a 37, and it looked like the ball hurt his wrist. The only guy less manly than Barack Obama might be Phil Donahue.

At this point black Americans are pointing out that his father was normal. Only the Caucasian part of Barack Obama may be Hermaphrodite.

This does not make Mr. Obama bisexual, although I think it is fabulous that Americans are ok with having a transgendered president.

Now that we know what he was trying to hide, can we finally move on?

Then again, the father was not listed on the birth certificate. What if Mr. Obama is not partially Kenyan? What if he is not even partially black?

Look at the man. Look at his ears. It’s obvious his father was either Ross Perot, Dr. Spock or Prince Charles.

This means we could have our first Vulcan president. Even worse, maybe Mr. Obama is a British subversive trying to give America back to the monarchy. Maybe he admires European style social democracies because he is a closet European.

Then again, being British is not so awful. At least he is not like John Kerry denying his Frenchness.

If Barack Obama really is the son of Prince Charles, that would explain his combination of arrogance and obtuseness. Yet that would mean something even more awful.

When he and Michelle renew their wedding vows, the world would have to suffer through yet another Royal Wedding.

Please lord, no. Anything but that.

So let’s congratulate Mr. Obama on his mixed gender, 100% American heritage and get back to what really matters. His policies are dreadful.

eric

While Barack Obama and the worthless dillitantes at the United Nations debate what inaction to fail to take regarding Syria, it is time to remind the world what to do.

Break Syria in half and sell it for spare parts.

Yes, boys and girls, it really is that simple.

This was done during World War II with Germany. The United States, France, Great Britain, and Russia all were given a piece.

Given that Syria has no oil or any useless assets for that matter, there should be little conflict on what to do with the former nation once it is broken.

Give part of it to Jordan, part of it to Egypt, and part of it to Israel.

Yes, Israel. The original Judea and Samariah were supposed to stretch further that the 21st century dream of a Islamic Caliphate.

Heck, we can even give a portion to the Palesimians. Just make sure it is the absolute worst part of the country. Having them infect and then destroy usable land is so 1948 to 2010.

A portion of Syria should be given to America as a permanent base. This would certainly stop other actors in the region from lobbing their own weapons. It is a funny thing how areas around the world where American troops are stationed for decades tend to be quite peaceful.

The original plan of making Syria a 50,000 hole golf course with many sand traps still has appeal. The Damascus Open would be like Augusta. Both would have strict rules about women.

Some will say that it is wrong to just go in and destroy another nation.

Too d@mn bad. Syria foments world instability. Bashar Assad may be the world’ dumbest opthamologist, the Inspector Clouseau of bloodthirsty dictators. Yet he is every bit as vicious as his late father. He is busy slaughtering his own people in the street while human rights activists pretend to care and world leaders pretend to consider almost doing something.

The only thing these Arab dictators understand is force. Those insisting that diplomacy can work with genocidal madmen still think that Libya is going swimmingly. Khadafi Duck may be brutally slaughtering his own people, but at least we are a nicer people for telling him we disapprove of his behavior.

Can reasonable people finally admit that the approach with Libya is failing, and that Syria is unleashing unbridled terror because the leaders know they can?

War is hell, but sometimes not waging war is worse. Harry Truman made a decision that killed 100,000 people. It was a horrible decision to have to make, and he was still right because he prevented millions more from dying.

How many Iraqis would be murdered in the streets today if Saddam was still in power?

How many Iranians have been killed since 2009 when our leadership failed to support people standing up for freedom against Armageddonijad and the Mullahs?

We are not more respected around the globe now. We are disrespected as ever. The Arab leaders have been partying since the day George W. Bush left office. They may have hated him, but they feared him even more.

Nobody fears or respects Barack Obama.

So human rights activists can do what they do best when a liberal American leader is in power. They can sit quietly, allow mass slaughter of innocents, do nothing, and then discover their brave voices when a Republican leader actually decides to shove his Texas boot up the @ss of those who need it.

There is not a single reason for dialogue with Syria. Bashar Assad brings nothing positive to this world.

The notion that anything short of force will stop his genocidal ways is a fallacy.

Mr. Obama, enough talk. If you won’t do it for humanity, do it for your own reelection. Grow a pair and go blow some sh*t up.

In the long run, it will save lives.

As for the Arab leaders who will then hate you, that means nothing. They will be quiet or they will be next.

eric

I will not be covering Libya or Syria today. Arab dictators murdering their own people is not news.

Barack Obama will issue strong words backed up by nothing. Hillary Clinton will blather and use the word “tough” many times. Just because her glare scares her husband and most American men does not mean dictators who shoot uppity women like her for speaking would be impressed.

Once the United Nations finally debates on a course of inaction to fail to take, Paul Krugman can explain why Barack Obama is God and Republicans are evil.

I’m bored.

Until real leadership exists in the White House, Bashar Assad and Khadafi Duck will run wild.

I have done several profiles on some of the candidates. Tim Pawlenty, Haley Barbour, Michelle Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Donald Trump, and Herman Cain have all been spotlighted. I have not gotten to Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, or Newt Gingrich because I wrote those profiles in 2007. Only minor updating is required, and will be offered shortly. John Bolton will get his due, and Mike Huckabee and Mitch Daniels may as well.

As for why I did not cover Gary Johnson, Buddy Roemer, Ron Paul, or John Huntsman, it is because they are Gary Johnson, Buddy Roemer, Ron Paul, and John Huntsman. I mentioned them both just now twice. That is good enough. At some point I have to draw the line and require viability and popular support to play a role.

Ron Paul supporters have passionate, narrow support. They confuse yelling loudly with popularity.

The main point I want to make today is that I am always wrong.

I was sure that Haley Barbour was running. He was going to be my choice assuming Rudy Giuliani did not run.

Now I truly am a man without a candidate. Haley announced yesterday that he is out.

Yet the only thing more disappointing than my preferred candidate opting out is not knowing why.

The temptation when a candidate decides not to run or ends a career is to think the worst. This is unfair to candidates in general. Let’s not assume that Haley Barbour enjoys hookers or is mired in corruption. His name has never been associated with allegations of any serious impropriety.

The issue cannot be financial. Mr. Barbour is the best fundraiser in the entire Republican Party. He would raise money with ease. Politicians all over the country owe him chits.

It cannot be an issue of viability. Regardless of whether one agrees with Mr. Barbour on issues, he would have been a serious candidate. Many candidates from Donald Trump to Sarah Palin have fervent defenders and equally fervent detractors. Mr. Barbour does not have anybody looking at him and denying his legitimacy as a candidate.

The issue cannot be one of qualifications. He has been a successful Governor of Mississippi. He shined during Hurricane Katrina. He was one of the best heads of the Republican National Committee and the Republican Governor’s Association in the history of both of those organizations.

He claimed that he did not have the fire in the belly. Various candidates from Rudy Giuliani to Fred Thompson did not have the burning passion. Mitt Romney has spent every waking minute since his 2008 loss laying the groundwork for another run. Romney wants it bad. Maybe Barbour truly does not.

Whatever his reasons, today is a day for this conservative to lament. The presidential race lost a true conservative that was constantly preaching big tent inclusiveness of moderate Republicans.

Mr. Barbour could have been very formidable in Iowa. New Hampshire would have been tougher, but South Carolina would have been friendly territory. The Super Tuesday states are mostly Southern. Barbour could have won.

Maybe Mr. Barbour was afraid that he would have been demonized the way the left demagogued Judge Charles Pickering and Trent Lott. White Mississippi conservatives make for inviting targets.

I bet a race between Barbour and Obama would have been good for America because it would have dealt with the race issue front and center and then properly removed it. It would have been a real debate between a doctrinaire liberal and a Reagan conservative.

Regardless of who does run, the GOP race has lost a heavyweight. The first GOP debate will be in South Carolina on May 5th. Mr. Barbour will not be participating.

Farewell, Mr. Barbour.

eric

Another wind powered press conference by the leader of Gasbagistan does not make him an energy expert.

Barack Obama is now in full campaign mode. He tried doing the governing thing for two years. It did not work out, and now he needs scapegoats for his failed policies.

The price of gasoline is currently more than $4 per gallon as oil has skyrocketed to more than $112 per barrel.

Barack Obama knows that flowing rhetoric about “hope,” “change,” and “yes we can” will fall hollow in 2012 if people look to him to bring down the price of oil and he concedes “no he can’t.”

Since platitudes are long since worn out and solutions elude him, his path to reelection involves creating another conservative bogeyman to demonize. The flavor of the week are now those oil “speculators.”

Attacking speculators is as boring as it is misguided. Any moment now everybody from George W. Bush and Dick Cheney to the Koch Brothers to British Petroleum will be blamed. Mr. Obama might as well blame Buddy Ebsen. After all, Jed Clampett and the rest of the Beverly Hillbillies made their money in oil. This may explain why Mr. Obama brought Los Angeles traffic to a standstill last week as thousands of cars idled away petrodollars. Somebody get Barnaby Jones to investigate.

Those wanting to blame speculators should buy a thesaurus and then look in the mirror. Somewhere in a nursing home there is a ninety year old grandmother who has a mutual fund containing a few shares of stock in some oil company she bought back when the Charleston was the latest craze. Have this woman arrested now. She is a speculator.

Speculators play both sides of all markets, and phony politicians only complain when the market refuses to cooperate with the public. When speculators drive the stock market higher, there is happiness. When the speculators drive it down, there are calls for investigations. Commodities provide the reverse reaction. When oil skyrocketed to $147 a barrel in 2007, people screamed bloody murder. When it crashed down to $33 a barrel, nobody blamed speculators.

(Silver and gold hit all time highs this past week, but nobody is screaming at speculators for that. Mr. Obama cares about oil because it affects him.)

So to all of those crybabies and the president desperate to appease them, the laws of supply and demand cannot be repealed. They cannot be declared unconstitutional. Barack Obama cannot part the seas and make the markets cater to his reelection efforts.

Yet there is one thing Mr. Obama can do to help lower oil prices.

He can stop being himself.

He needs to wake up tomorrow, and admit that his anti-oil policies are a major reason prices are so high.

When running in 2008, he pointed out that under his plan, oil prices would “necessarily” have to rise.

This is not complex. In the same way the war against tobacco companies led to higher cigarette prices, the Jihad against the oil industry is having the same effect.

In Mr. Obama’s mind, getting everybody off of oil is noble. He wants a green economy that operates on alternative energy sources. He wants Americans to give up their cars and rely on high speed rail. His entire energy and environmental agenda is meant to end dependence on oil.

Supporters find this laudable while critics find it impractical. Yet what is truly ludicrous is for a man to deliberately try to destroy the oil industry while then wondering why this would affect prices.

There are so many ways to bring down the price of oil, from domestic drilling to turning Iran into a 50,000 hole golf course and seizing their oil.

Mr. Obama has telegraphed that his policies are meant to get us away from oil. Therefore, any sensible gambler would play oil to the upside. The gamblers did not create the trend. They jumped on the bandwagon. Anybody criticizing this investment strategy should deliberately try to defy trends and see how they enjoy losing money. Politicians are often irrational, but markets in the long run are as rational as can be.

Mr. Obama is right to want to make America less dependent on foreign oil. He is wrong to try and enact policies that have an adverse effect on ordinary Americans needing cheap oil today. He is even more wrong to blame those engaging in sensible actions when his own senseless actions led to the problem in the first place.

Mr. Obama should do one of two things. He could go on television and explain why higher oil prices are good for America. He could scold Americans and shame them into giving up oil and driving. It would be political suicide, but a courageous, integrity-based stand.

He could also get out of the way. He could stop hijacking the permit process while pretending to support drilling. He could allow domestic drilling, hydraulic fracturing, and other techniques involving oil shale.

If he chooses to remain a leftist anti-oil ideologue, then he needs to have the honor and decency to justify his position.

This will not happen. Mr. Obama knows that his fantasyland approach to energy has failed, and hopes that he can fool just enough people to slink into a second term.

Speculators everywhere should buy and sell legally whenever and wherever they please. Risk takers built this nation. One obtuse and desperate politician should not be allowed to subvert centuries of global tradition and commerce.

Mr. Obama is the problem. The speculators are the solution.

So as people bet on 2012 oil prices, stock prices, and presidential prospects, Mr. Obama will continue to stew over what he cannot regulate, manipulate, or obfuscate.

It is called freedom. It existed long before leftist anti-capitalists, and will exist long after many more socialist models are discredited and reduced to the ash heap of history.

Based on historical trends, that is a very safe bet to play to the upside whether Mr. Obama likes it or not.

eric

As Jews celebrate Passover and Christians prepare for Easter, wealthy liberals on the West side of Los Angeles were busy bowing down to their deity Barack Obama. Mr. Obama spent his time in Los Angeles worshiping himself among his followers in Beverly Hills.

For many in Los Angeles, Mr. Obama’s visit was a most Unholy Thursday.

Mr. Obama says he is a Christian. I believe him.

Yet when he says he cares about the concerns of ordinary people, I do not believe him for one moment.

He is the same snob who gives people glimpses of his true character when his guard is down.

This is the man who asked an Iowa corn farmer if he grew Arugula.

This is the man who disdainfully turned to his primary opponent and coldly said, “you’re likable enough Hillary.”

This is a man who would come to Los Angeles on one of the holiest days of the religious Christian calendar and shut down the entire city during rush hour traffic. This was done so he could attend fundraisers from wealthy donors for a campaign that is over 18 months away.

Legally he has every right to raise money. Morally he continued to show a lack of understanding of the people that “cling to their guns and religion.”

My anger was admittedly selfish. Only two miles from my home, an innocent trip to get some lunch turned into a fiasco lasting over an hour. All of the streets were blocked off. Getting home was virtually impossible. Then leaving the house for an appointment that could not be missed proved painful, as a two hour trip took four hours. The first two hours was just leaving Los Angeles.

Yet others had frustration that was far more important. Christians trying to attend Holy Thursday services at their churches could not get there. People trying to pay homage to God had to take a back seat because one man needed to pay homage to himself.

Those claiming that “his predecessor” pulled stunts like this would be bearing false witness. Mr. Obama loves to claim that everything he does is historic and unprecedented. Well his arrogance is precisely that.

As for the billionaire sycophants supporting him, they are just as culpable. THese are the people John Kerry referred to as the “heart and soul of America.”

Wrong. The heart and soul of America are not people making twenty million dollars for appearing on a screen. The heart and soul of America are the people who worked hard all day and wanted to get to Church and work on improving themselves.

If Hollywood liberals want to stop being portrayed as self-indulgent spoiled brats, they need to consider using better judgment when deciding when, where, and how to spend their money.

If Mr. Obama wants to be seen as somebody who cares even the slightest about ordinary people, he should not leave them stranded in traffic. While he was raising millions of dollars solely for himself, workers had their cars idling. With gasoline at $4.20 a gallon in Los Angeles, every drop wasted adds to financial hardship.

(Idling is also bad for the environment, but Mr. Obama’s motorcade and the resulting standstill is exempt from environmental scrutiny. After all, worshiping the environment takes a back seat to worshiping him in this part of the country.)

Very late on Thursday night a drive home led to more panic as Mr. Obama settled in on a hotel on the very street where I live. He was three blocks away. Well past midnight, there was a chance my very street would be blocked off. A man’s home is his castle, and my own bed could have been off limits.

It took longer than expected, but while Mr. Obama rested on the most expensive sheets in existence, the ordinary fellow three blocks away reached his own simple mattress.

As Holy Thursday turned to Good Friday, well wishes are again sent to the Jews and Christians celebrating their beautiful traditions. This Passover and Easter weekend, Mr. Obama may wish to consider lowering himself in his own mind to the level of mere mortal.

Mr. Obama needs to learn humility. He needs to be more sensitive to those around him, even if they do not earn seven figures and trade carbon offsets. He needs to understand that for the great unwashed masses, the right to liberty and pursuit of happiness comes in the form of a religious service.

His actions were selfish, classless, and even more sadly, typical.

I still wish the man a peaceful Easter, but his attitude toward his fellow men led to a most Unholy Thursday.

The next time he speaks about “change,” he should look inside himself when attending his church.

Unlike many in Los Angeles during his visit, at least he will be able to attend.

eric