THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

Another season of Celebrity Apprentice has come to a close, and I really have to praise Donald Trump bigtime on this one.

First, let me get my biases out of the way because I am biased.

Celebrity Apprentice should not be based on one task or even one season. It should be based on an entire life. John Rich is the greatest celebrity in world history for giving us the song “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.” Donald Trump gets it right again despite not using my criteria.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt0_oPPK6eA

Here is a synopsis of the episode.

http://www.ledger-enquirer.com/2011/05/22/1589025/celebrity-apprentice-winner-2011.html

While I have tremendous respect for Marlee Matlin, I was really hoping Lil John would be taking on John Rich. I only knew Lil John from the Dave Chapelle portrayal of him as a guy who says “What?” and “Ok!” in a funny voice. Lil John is a very smart guy, and his unfortunate blunder in the interview process kept him from the finals.

While I was rooting for John Rich, I totally expected Marlee Matlin to win. Simply put, I thought Mr. Trump would make the politically correct decision.

This is not to insult Ms. Matlin. She absolutely deserved to make the finals. Yet if everything else is considered equal, why not give it to the deaf person?

I have repeatedly praised Donald Trump for letting merit supersede race, religion, and gender with his winners. Yet he does have a heart, and sympathy is the one angle that has helped some celebrities.

Joan Rivers was outdueled and outclassed by Annie Duke, but everybody praised Rivers for her vitality. That is code for her being old.

(I rooted for Annie Duke and still want to paddle her. I am aware she would punch me in the face if I tried.)

Holly Robinson Peete was phenomenal, but Bret Michaels nearly died that year. How do you not give it to the guy who nearly died?

(I rooted for Bret Michaels. I always loved Poison and think that if I joined a rock band instead of going to Wall Street I could have been cool enough to paddle Annie Duke with her permission. Hot women dig rock stars.)

So I was concerned that maybe political correctness was interfering with Trump’s judgment.

Yet Piers Morgan was certainly the politically incorrect choice. He was the villain. Trace Adkins was the good guy.

(I liked them both and did want Piers to win solely for crushing the ultimate non-celebrity, Armarosa. Yet I will always praise Trace Adkins for the song “Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk,” which again reminds me how badly I want to paddle Annie Duke.)

Yet while Marlee Matlin is an inspiration, John Rich is simply “the man.”

Although the task was not a fund-raising task, he turned it into one. That was a brilliant move. Trump has always been about rewarding brilliance. He likes tactics, and he loves good strategy.

Marlee Matlin was an A. John Rich is an A+. That is enough of a difference in the finals.

Donald Trump got it right, and I am thrilled for John Rich and his charity, St. Judes. It helps children with cancer.

Anyway, Mr. Trump recently announced that he is not seeking the White House. That leaves a void.

So in the coming days I will be making a presidential announcement of my own soon. Stay tuned. It will be very big. I will be announcing whether or not I am entering the 2012 race.

Until then, let me quote Jimmy Fallon singing a great song.

To everybody except John Rich:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYeHzz5MY3A

“You’re fired, you’re fired, you son of a b*tch you’re fired…Take your rolling suit case out the door…

Have a mimosa…and call Armarosa…

You’re fired, you’re fired, you SOB you’re fired…don’t you mess around with team Backbone.”

It’s not “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy,” but it’s not bad.

Well done Mr. Trump, and well done John Rich.

eric

For those who actually care, today is Armed Services Day. I will be speaking to the Rhode Island Republican Assembly.

For everyone else, today is End of Days day.

Before getting to that, condolences to the family of Randy “Macho Man” Savage. The professional wrestler and Slim Jim spokesman died in a car accident at age 58. In honor of his passing, the Village People song “Macho Man” should be played. Mr. Savage did have a well toned body. He will be missed.

Now back to the End of Days.

It occurred to me at Midnight EST that the world was still here. Sean Hannity came on, although to be fair to those predicting the end of the world, it was a rerun from 3 hours earlier.

There were no reports out of Australia of any major events, so I am assuming that nation still exists as well.

Since New York is the global hub of the financial world and America is the Great Satan, let’s assume that the End of Days is based on East Coast Time.

One hour into the End of Days saw Hannity end. I would have reported on the Glenn Beck rerun, but I was already sleep.

I figured if it was the End of Days, I would honor “the Gambler” Kenny Rogers. “The best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep.”

Approximately 8 hours later, it was 10am EST. Even if one had forgotten to change the clocks last month, enough time still had past.

I do recall Oral Roberts once saying that if his parishioners did not donate 4.5 million dollars, God was going to call him home. Luckily enough money came in and he lived.

A tire salesman claimed that he would be called home if he sold less than $80,000 in tires. He only sold $68,000. Yet in a shocking turn of events, he lived.

I could claim that Israel being attacked by Arabs signaled the apocalypse, but it actually signals a typical day.

Also, can one cheat the End of Days day by getting a time machine and going back in time before the End of Days? Comedian Stephen Wright said that he once flew Air Bazaar. “Leave any Monday, they bring you back the previous Friday.”

If this truly is the Rapture, does that mean Blondie is the Messiah? “I once had love, and it was a gas. It soon turned out, she had a heart of glass.”

If this is the Rapture, does this mean all of these religious questions are finally answered? Am I right or wrong? Is this his first or second visit? At least if this is the End of Days we would have closure. According to ZZ Top, “Jesus just left Chicago,” and is bound for New Orleans.

If this is the Rapture, we need an official song for those who are not (shame on you) fans of Blondie. I recommend either “Mama said there’d be days like this,” or “May the circle be unbroken.”

I still feel Jewish, but then again I really do not feel much this morning since I am kind of tired.

Is it any coincidence that the movie “End of Days” contained Arnold Schwarzenegger? It is pretty close to End of Days for him if he gets in any more trouble. As for California, it was End of Days years ago.

Gabriel Byrne was also in that movie as well as the one about Kaiser Sose, so maybe he is one of the Usual Suspects ending our days.

(Tom Cruise has nothing to do with this. That was Days of Thunder. There were no weather predictions or talk of God troubling the water on End of Days day. Building an Ark may not be necessary.)

In Alaska and Norway, End of Days is just a geographical anomaly. 18 hours of darkness per day is mighty depressing. They are looking forward to the End of Nights. In case anyone cares, the longest Day is June 21st and the Longest Yard featured Burt Reynolds. He also was in another movie with Dom DeLuise called “The End.”

Anyway, time to celebrate the rest of End of Days day by going back to sleep and taking a nap. Sloth is a sin, but if we do not exist any more I can be as slothful as I please.

Tomorrow I will reveal the real End of Days day. The year is correct but not the month.

Until then, happy End of Days day. May your day or night have a good ending or beginning.

eric

In Royal Wedding news…oh, who gives a d@mn?

That concludes the official Royal Wedding news report.

Good lord people, the world is on fire.

If I am a Libyan or Syrian dictator right now, I would be shooting everybody in sight while the cameras of the world are trained on some ceremony involving people that have no official real power in a nation that has not led the world in about 80 years.

If I am leading Israel, I build as many settlements as possible in the next 24 hours. Build, Bibi build.

I am sure the people in Tuscaloosa, Alabama can take solace in knowing that even though their homes have been destroyed, at least a pair of uberwealthy people are publicly displaying their extravagance in front of other uberwealthy people. Those in Missouri and North Carolina concur.

I am not saying I would like this to end up like the 1984 “Dynasty” Moldavia Wedding Massacre (Joan Collins deserved a better script than that, and the show never recovered), but at least Richard and Esther Shapiro gave us Catherine Oxenberg to look at. She is a tad sexier than Camilla Parker Bowles, and Michael Nader as Dex Dexter was smoother than Prince Charles (Then again, who isn’t?).

The only reason I am not covering the NFL Draft today is because it will take time to analyze everything. That deserves an entire weekend, and thankfully ESPN does not waste time on anything European outside of major tennis and golf tournaments. NFL Network was created for weekends like this when the rest of the world is obsessed with nonsense.

Yet as boring as the Royal Wedding is, there are ways that it could be even more boring.

Al Gore and John Kerry could be asked to give competing toasts. The first one to have somebody die during their remarks would be the bigger loser.

Barack Obama and Prince Charles could have an ear wax removal contest. Given that both of these men have spent years ignoring people, there must be some serious buildup going on. Maybe 1980s rapper Q-Tip from Tribe Called Quest could officiate.

Queen Elizabeth and Hillary Clinton could have a waving contest. Where outside of the Queen of England and the Secretary of State do people get paid to wave “hello, hello, hello”? Getting paid to do nothing but sip tea with insincere people while smiling and waving “hello” is a sweet gig if one can get it. Also, neither of these women paid taxes on income for years. They are practically sisters.

In fact, the ladies could have a tea sipping contest sponsored by Tetley. Slurping would result in automatic disqualification. Judges would analyze the angle at which the cups are held and the precision and synchronicity with which they are placed down on the coasters.

In fact, this Royal Wedding is so boring it should be on C-Span. At least the British House of Commons is interesting, although not as cool as the Asian legislators getting into fistfights. Watching U.S. Senators discuss the minutiae of bills makes me long for the days when there were only five channels and my television had snow.

The Royal Wedding could be worse if it was announced by the same golf announcers who mumble through the British Open.

“It was a perfect shot (inaudible mumble), he read it exactly right (incoherent gibberish), he is on the green (joke about the 14th Century nobody understands), and is reaching for a five iron (joke about what he is really reaching for that nobody finds funny).”

A multi-hour documentary could explain why the song “Greensleeves” is neither about anything green or about sleeves. In fact, it has nothing to do with anything involving nature or clothing.

In the buildup to the event, a pair of movies I had zero interest in watching could be played. “The English Patient” and “The King’s Speech” could be spliced together into one big snobfest of British pretentiousness that received critical acclaim. Critical acclaim is code for boring.

So now let’s analyze what can be done to make the Royal Wedding interesting.

Absolutely nothing.

So does this make the event useless?

Not at all. Videotapes of this event will serve a purpose that could potentially benefit mankind for years to come.

Use the Royal Wedding tapes to torture prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

I don’t give a d@mn if the ACLU tries to block this under the Eight Amendment ban on cruel and unusual punishment. Let them be forced to watch the tapes first and they might be pro-torture.

This concludes anything having to do with the Royal Wedding.

May one day the only British Queen spoken about be Freddie Mercury and may pomp and circumstance be returned to the 17th Century where it belongs.

eric

1.) “I met a blind man…who taught me how to see…

A blind man…who could change night into day…

If I can…I’ll make you come with me…

Here comes the sun, and we’ll be chasing all the clouds away.”

2.) “Take a look into my eyes…

Tell me what you see…

Tell me is it true…

Tell me is it me…

Mirror, Mirror.”

3.) “Don’t cry for me Argentina…

The truth is I shall not leave you…

I kept my promise…

Now keep your distance.”

The first quote by Steven Tyler of Aerosmith and the second quote by Joe Elliott of Def Leppard are why I am celebrating today.

For those celebrating Easter and Passover, I wish peace and happiness to all of you.

For me, today is Sight Seeing Sunday.

I had LASIK eye surgery on Friday. After a day of blind sleep, a whole new world has opened up to me.

4.) “A whole new world…a new fantastic point of view…”

Ok, enough of that.

I was never legally blind, and my heart goes out to those who have never had the gift of sight.

For me, glasses were simply a nuisance. I have lost them, broken them, replaced them, had them slide up and down my face, and have to try and either play sports with them or without them.

I never wore contacts, and just wanted to feel what so many people feel like every day.

I wanted normal sight.

With much trepidation, I decided to finally have LASIK eye surgery. I have pondered this for years, and I finally felt comfortable that the technology was advanced enough and the prices were affordable. I found a clinic very near my home that was well established.

Yet even advanced surgery involves risks. It is one thing to bet on a stock. Betting on my own eyes was not something I relished doing. I felt living the rest of my life with glasses was simply untenable.

The evening of the surgery I was able to see far away, but close up was blurry. Reading a book or anything online was not possible.

By Saturday things were improving.

After many hours of sleep and careful applying of drops, things improved further.

(Drops are miserable. I am uncoordinated, and have wasted plenty of drops by misfiring. They also taste terrible, which shows how badly my worst misfire was.)

I can now see. I keep reaching for my glasses on my face only to remember that they are not there.

While it is way too soon to judge, my initial reaction is that this is paradise.

I can see like I have never seen before.

I do not have to worry about my friend trying to get me to hit on another guy in a bar because I cannot tell man from woman.

I have an appreciation that cannot be measured in words.

I cannot wait to complain in September that my supposed high definition television is not really high def.

After three decades of glasses, I am finally free. I will need reading glasses one day, but to just walk around without them is fantastic.

Not everybody has my experience. I am lucky and so far blessed.

Now I need to find a cool pair of shades.

In my closet I found sunglasses from college. I found one pair where in the corners I can see behind me. They may look dorky, but for girl watching they rock.

Maybe I will buy a pair of Kool Moe Dee glasses and bring back the 1980s rap look.

Shades will now be a fashion statement rather than a necessity. Try wearing shades over glasses. Two hats looks intelligent by comparison.

This really is a beautiful Sunday.

Oh, and as for the song by Eva Peron from Evita, that has absolutely nothing to do with anything. One of the side effects of being cooped up in my condo is the equivalent of cabin fever. Singing show tunes is the first sign of brain rot.

So as I mumble through a Susan Boyle tune…

5.) “I dreamed a dream and time went by…

Something or other worth living…

I dreamed a dream…”

I am just happy that I am now 20/20 bordering on 20/15. I pray this continues.

Sight Seeing Sunday is here, and it is more beautiful than I could have possibly imagined.

eric

Had LASIK eye surgery yesterday.

Recuperating today. Doing well.

This concludes Blind Bat Saturday.

Hopefully tomorrow will be an even better Sight Seeing Sunday.

eric

This past week America and the world lost a true national treasure.

At age 79, actress Elizabeth Taylor died from congestive heart failure. She had been sick for several weeks.

While I have seen very little of her actual acting career, the fact that I even know of her work decades earlier is a tribute to her staying power.

For many people under age 40, Liz Taylor was seen as “famous for being famous.” She was some former actress who hung out with George Hamilton, liked Michael Jackson, and struggled with booze, pills, and weight problems. She got married every other week

This is not who she was, not by a long shot.

Long before celebrities became celebrities by simply chasing down cameras and announcing it, Liz Taylor was a real celebrity. In fact, she was “the” celebrity. She got that way by being one of the premiere actresses of her time. She was no psuedo-celeb. She earned her fame by being fantastic at what she did. She earned her plaudits.

She was the first actress to be paid 7 figures when she appeared as Cleopatra. Her gorgeous purple eyes made her one of a kind.

She was the original bride in “Father of the Bride” with Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn.

She used her fame for so much good, taking up the cause of fighting AIDS years before it became trendy. Once again, she was an original.

Only in reading her obituaries this past week did I even learn that she was Jewish. I never knew that. She converted to the faith decades ago, and she was active in fighting anti-Semitism. Maybe I never knew this because as famous as she was, she did not announce every good deed she did. She just did good deeds. Her already existing fame just led to others reporting on her good deeds.

Yes, she was married eight times. Yes, in her later life she struggled with addictions. Yet she always maintained her dignity, and her eyes and gorgeous smile even in her later years allowed her to appear in commercials for diamonds and perfume with much believability.

She was a classy, dignified woman who used her fame to improve the world.

Her talents were many, and now she is in Heaven. Like many people, she left us too soon.

RIP Ms. Taylor. You will be missed.

eric