THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

Today’s column will be complete fluff, which may be indistinguishable from anything else I write for those that simply refuse to see my column as a combination of William F. Buckley, Masterpiece Theatre, the LA Philharmonic, and a splash of Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo.

Yesterday I had a secret meeting of the Republican Zionist Crusader Alliance.

I can’t talk about it, because then it would not be a secret.

Some people would describe it merely as a dinner party, with the Chicago Cannonball being as phenomenal in the kitchen as I was disruptive. Yet friends of mine for the last 18 years came. Three of us are Jewish republicans, and while the conversations are normally about sports and politics, having so many Neocons in a room might be too much alpha male testosterone power for our significantly better halves.

Regardless of what happened at this meeting described as a dinner party, I want to give what the kids call “props” to some old and new blogger friends. They are not all Jewish republicans, but nobody is perfect. Nevertheless, they are beyond warped. Please make some new blogger friends, since they will be carrying the mantle of greatness if I ever decide to lose my temper and treat my keyboard like it was a set of golf clubs. For the sake of full disclosure, I do not play golf. It requires temperament.

Anyway, Howard Stern has his Wack Pack. Here are some hilarious individuals.

http://yourjewishmaster.blogspot.com/

http://pissedofftreerat.wordpress.com/

Politics, football, and other “guy stuff.”

In an attempt to find more people that would be entertaining, I did what any smart individual would do…I raided their blogrolls. Not shockingly, more hilariously warped brilliance helped me expand my horizons from a hilariously warped point of view.

http://greatsatansgirlfriend.blogspot.com/

http://smalldeadanimals.com/

http://hillbillywhitetrash.blogspot.com/

Even the names of their blogs crack me up. Don’t be fooled. The content is also solid.

Also, they are cooler than me. I know this because I am listening to Vanilla Ice right now. They win by default.

Another fella connected from the Jewish Master–Tree Rat Tree would be an animal that has his own place to roam and graze.

http://goatsbarnyard.blogspot.com/

For fun political cartoons, our friend below has the answers, or at least the comics.

http://mcringtail.wordpress.com/

The fellow below is a follically challenged fellow, and I confess to having a mildly unhealthy fascination with his absolutely gleaming cue ball. More disturbing is everything he says and does.

http://www.pointless-drivel.com/

Lastly, a fellow that has been beyond gracious towards me. So like him or else.

http://theautopsy.wordpress.com/

Well all, the Republican Zionist Crusader Alliance would elaborate, but it is a beautiful sunny day outside. Our membership has some plotting to do.

eric

The Chicago Cannonball is spending a few days in Los Angeles, and I have decided to give her a soft sell presentation on this city that is as gentle as a time share presentation. She will love this city, d@ngit. Yet no matter where one goes in life, some things are unavoidable. I used to think it was death and taxes, but a good CPA can help with the latter. Yet next to death, there is still one completely unavoidable societal threat that is storming across America, leaving destruction in its wake.

That threat is protesters.

I have never come as close to advocating the end of democracy as I have lately. I have come to the realization that I want freedom for me and nobody else. Actually, if I like you, which is slim but theoretically possible, I can let you be free as well.

I am just tired of people protesting. I even remember the movie “Politically Correct University (PCU). Everybody had an ax to grind. The “normal” students were not political. They were just passionately apolitical. The best scene in the movie is when they are hanging out in the top floor of one of the buildings on campus. The feminists and the vegans are having a joint protest session, so these young men do what anybody who has had enough would do in that situation. They throw meatballs at them. As balls of beef covered in what appeared to be marinara sauce pelted the crowd, society was improved. The protesters dispersed.

I cannot express how many police officers, still stung by ridiculous claims of actually enforcing laws against thugs, are afraid to use tear gas and rubber bullets against protesters.

This has been gnawing at me because the problem is getting worse, and even bright people like the Chicago Cannonball cannot see it. What she sees as democracy, I see as a threat to good, decent people who want everybody else to sit down and shut up. I personally think April 14th should be “Shut the hell up and go to work day,” because that is what April 15th really is anyway.

I don’t mind people having opinions. I just wish they would keep them quiet and not ever express them.

A couple protests in recent days left me worried about the future survival of civilization. As I said, the Chicago Cannonball saw things differently, but as I have explained to her, just because she is hot, that does not automatically make her right. Actually, normally it does, but I am the evoking the “I am eric, therefore I am right” doctrine.

The first violent situation occurred in Chicago. Chicago is a city built on violence, from Al Capone to God, invented (or created for believers) snow. The Chicago Cannonball and I went outside to catch a taxicab. It was at this moment that I saw what appeared to be the angriest lynch mob in the history of lynch mobs on that day on that block.

The Chicago Cannonball insisted that the protesters actually seemed quite peaceful, and that there no appearance of any violence. She is so naive. I tried to explain to her that there were two large poles with fire attached to them. At any moment Molotov Cocktails were going to be thrown through brick house windows, and terror would reign in whatever part of Chicago we were in. I also saw a giant cross, and wondered which unfortunate victim would be pinned to it and left to die. These animals had to be stopped.

A police officer was standing by, and for some reason was not dispersing the crowd with a rubber hose. Yes, they were assembling peacably, but at any moment a riot was going to break out. I asked the officer what deadly event was taking place, and his response chilled me to the bone. He was so cool and calm as he replied, “It’s Palm Sunday.”

Apparently Palm Sunday is the Sunday before Easter. As far as the true risk of this event, the danger to the protesters seemed to be in front of hypothermia. Chicago does have indoor churches, but these people decided to worship outdoors in the bitter Chicago cold. I am not a theologian, and my knowledge of Christianity is limited, but based on what I saw, Jesus froze to death. I know I nearly did.

Nevertheless, the riots that had plagued Chicago in the past were averted as the crowd merely wished each other and passerbys the well wishes of Happy Easter. I still maintain that the police presence saved the City of Chicago from the mob.

Yet the dangers of Chicago paled in comparison to the terror that took over the streets of Los Angeles. The weather of Los Angeles is a blessing and a curse. The blessing is that the conditions are ideal for me to live. The curse is that undesirables make their way here, and then have the gall to protest on the streets.

I have often said that people that come to America and then complain about everything and demand new services should just be shipped back to whatever  hostile nation they came from, be it Iran, the Sudan, or Canada. If you cannot be hopeful in America, then you need to be drug tested. If you cannot find happiness in Los Angeles, then the drug test is not even necessary. You are on drugs, and should just be shipped somewhere cold like Siberia or Detroit.

Yet some people cannot be happy anywhere, even where the weather is warm and sunny year round. The Chicago Cannonball escaped a snowstorm to be out here having fun in that warm California sun. Yet when she met me for what was supposed to be a peaceful lunch with her turned into potential danger when all hell broke loose on the streets of Los Angeles. The Chicago Cannonball herself crystallized what all protests are about.

“What do we want?”

“Stuff!”

“How angry are we?”

“Very!”

So as the people demanding that homosexual vegans be pulled out of Iraq immediately had their say, the only question would be which representatives of nonsense would block traffic today. It is not about politics. It is about me trying, to quote Jim Carrey in Liar Liar, “to get from the sidewalk to the office without being confronted by the decay of Western society.”

I saw the police, and they would simply again not use their guns or batons. One of the officers remarked that the people were protesting for the right to do less and get more.

I saw the signs that said “J 4 J.” I realized Los Angeles was under attack by a dangerous cult. The Jews for Jesus are defective Christians, nothing more or less. Their goal is to take all Jews and convert them using various subversive methods such as mind control. It amazes me that Guantanamo Bay is under assault, yet the Jews for Jesus roam free. Most Christians do not recognize these individuals as anything other than oddballs.

As I prepared to pick up my ineffective cellphone and pray that the Jewish conspiracy that antisemites rail on about exists, I was ready to leverage that to call every Jewish person from Alan Greenspan to Bibi Netanyahu to help me save the streets of Los Angeles.

As the holy war prepared to engulf the city in flames just like in 1992, I pictured what new products I could obtain when the dust settled. The first LA Riots allowed me to get a new VCR (no, not really).

Just before I prepared to do my Sylvester Stallone Rambo impersonation, allowing me to show the Chicago Cannonball how much of an alpha male I am, she noticed something about the signs.

The J 4 J signs were not from the Jews for Jesus. They were from an organization wanting “Justice for Janitors.”

I have to confess even I found the issue noncontroversial, and for the first time in my life, did not have a strong opinion. I like janitors. Without them, million dollar salespeople would be helpless. Try taking a client to a meeting and then losing a deal because they are uncomfortable with the washroom.

I asked the police to hold their fire, and they cooperated. The Justice for Janitors had their say, and then there was calm when they were done.

On the way home, more protesters were fired up, this time about Tibet. Other than a “Separated at Birth,” column showing the Dali Llama resembling Jiminy Cricket, I did not know much about that either.

I could run them over with my car, but I giess they have a right to exist.

Perhaps I doth protest too much myself.

eric

WHO REGULATES THE REGULATORS? 

America is Litigation Nation  

One of the most insulting movies ever made was Oliver Stone’s “Wall Street.” In this movie, a young stockbroker played by Charlie Sheen cuts corners to achieve success. He becomes crooked. He is rightfully punished, and near the end of the movie lets his father know that he is about to begin a jail sentence. So far so good. Yet the father, played by the ever pious Martin Sheen, says something to his son that every financial professional should find deeply offensive. Rather than criticize the specific behavior of his son, he instead remarks that when his son gets out of jail, he should, “get a real job instead of living off of the buying and selling of others.”

Yes, in one fell swoop, an entire profession gets indicted, at least verbally.

In this warped view of the world, financial professionals are all thieves, crooks, and liars, while those that regulate them are pure white knights in shining armor. Yet the regulators are often more dangerous than the financial professionals. The financial professionals have to answer to the regulators.

Who regulates the regulators?

Financial firms are under attack from three different sources of regulation. The first source consists of fly by night operations in the form of “lawsuit firms” that operate outside the legal system. The second source consists of self regulatory agencies and government agencies. The third source consists of self aggrandizing politicians. All three of these entities have abused their public trust.

There was a time when the financial services industry needed to be cleaned up. Regulators came in, did their jobs effectively, and helped put crooked firms out of business. Yet at some point regulators became a victim of their own success. The firms that survived realized that they had to play by the rules to stay in business. So playing by the rules is exactly what most of them did. They hired Compliance Departments. They taught ethics. They helped combat money laundering. They fired their own bad apples to protect their reputations.

Most people would see this as positive. To regulators, this is a disaster. Regulators exist to get rid of the bad seeds. When too many of those bad seeds are removed, regulators then lack things to actually do. They become less necessary. Therefore, rather than fire themselves, they need to create problems that they can then solve.

Problems such as insider trading, churning, and unauthorized trading are simply less common among firms because they know that those infractions are potential death knells. Yet ask any Wall Street firm that is being harassed because one customer order might have three timestamps instead of four, or that a form is filled out with a fine point blue pen instead of a medium point black pen, and they will concede that the regulatory system is out of control.

The first group of unchecked regulators that are causing problems are firms specifically set up to sue financial services firms. A firm that my company regularly does business with has come under attack from the stockbrokerage equivalent of ambulance chasers.

I personally spoke to one of the employees of this “stockbrokerage recovery” firm. I asked him if he was an actual attorney. He said that did not matter. I asked him if he had a Series 7 stockbroker’s license. He said that was also immaterial, and became irritated with such probing questions. He made it clear that he wants to settle every single case. He has no desire to ever go to trial. He knows that big companies roll over (he used stronger language), and he freely admits targeting companies that have a history of paying.

This fellow criticizes organizations that engage in “cold-calling” to find clients. Yet the business model of this stockbrokerage recovery firm is cold-calling people. They buy leads, call people up, and actively try to solicit them into suing their stockbroker. The firm takes the case on contingency, and one client confessed to me that the firm receives 50% of any judgment. This is significantly higher than what most attorneys receive.

In speaking to this same employee, I pointed out that the statute of limitations on his case had already passed. I also pointed out that the firm he was suing had virtually nothing to do with the client, and that he was suing the wrong firm. I additionally pointed out that the client never purchased stocks in the account in question. He purchased options on commodities, which is a completely different financial product outside the jurisdiction of FINRA (formerly NASD). Therefore, he was trying to sue in the wrong court.

The employee seemed uninterested and uneducated as to how commodities worked, and made it clear that going after the stockbrokerage firm with deeper pockets in the hope of a settlement made more sense than going after the commodity brokerage firm that held the actual account. When I pointed out these facts to the client, their response was, “I am not paying any money for this service, so I don’t care.”

Lastly, this supposedly successful firm is located slightly away from Wall Street, in a place known as Coney Island. Now Coney Island is great if one wants to ride the Cyclone, walk on the Boardwalk, or eat a hot dog from the original Nathans. It is not a business district. The “office” of this stockbrokerage recovery firm was the equivalent of a shack. It had a paper sign on the door, which was partially obscured by the much larger sign of another company that apparently sells kitchenware.

Yet what is most troublesome about this firm is that they do not appear to answer to any professional organization. Attorneys and stockbrokers answer to the ABA and FINRA, respectively. Yet various stockbrokerage recovery firms such as this seem to have unchecked power.

The best way for firms to handle these firms is to refuse to negotiate with them. Once the person representing the firm filing the claim declines to state that they are an attorney, all conversation by the stockbrokerage firm being sued should cease.

If unlicensed stockbrokerage recovery firms are ants, then regulatory organizations are elephants. I have dealt with many regulatory agencies over the years, and they have truly become victims of their own success. Several examples of claims or suggestions that regulators have made are below.  

1)      My firm was told to have procedures in place for selling a specific type of financial product. Our firm explained that we do not transact in the type of financial product in question. We were told that this was still a “deficiency,” and that we had to have procedures in place so that we can regulate a financial product that we had never sold, and most likely would never sell. Imagine the reaction from the medical community if heart surgeons were told to have plastered on their office walls the solutions to all medical issues concerning podiatrists.

2)      My firm was told that they overheard a broker discuss a goal of doubling the client’s money. The regulator then explained that they specifically heard the phrase “50%.” We explained that doubling is 100%, not 50%. As sheepish as the regulator was at this point, they included the error in their final report.

3)      One branch office of my firm was told that we were in violation because we did not have a manager or supervisor on site. Employees must be monitored. We explained that the manager was in the bathroom. The regulators acknowledged this, and yet included it in their report as another deficiency.

4)      One regulator asked loaded questions of our employees in an attempt to deliberately trick them into incriminating themselves and the firm. English was not the first language of the employee, and they were quite scared at being taken into a conference room with no windows. The broker was asked if they had ever been “disciplined,” meaning had they ever been found guilty of a regulatory violation. The broker answered in the affirmative. The regulators then tried to go onto the next question, but I intervened in the conversation. I explained to the broker that only compliance and regulatory issues mattered, not human resources sanctions. The broker then explained that they had been disciplined by the firm for tardiness, which is not a regulatory or compliance violation of any kind.

5)      One client wrote a check to our firm that bounced. This caused the broker’s commissions to be taken away. The stereotype of wealthy stockbrokers with golf clubs and putting greens in their office taking advantage of poor elderly people on Social Security is not always the true picture. Often it is multimillion dollar clients on their own private golf courses trying to cheat rookie stockbrokers who are trying to survive on less than $24,000 per year. The particular wealthy aforementioned client kept promising to pay, and kept reneging. My firm sued in small claims court, and won a judgment. Only after this fact did the client then retaliate by going to regulators and claiming malfeasance by the firm. The regulators were aware of the facts in front of them, yet the case was allowed to proceed. Facts did not matter.

6)      Some clients in the financial services industry have been actively solicited by regulators to file complaints. On more than one occasion, a client has informed me that they only filed a complaint because a regulator called them, and told them that they should. As an inducement, the client was given information regarding the company that was false. A thirty second trip to the internet would have verified this. As for why regulators do this, complaints require both sides to pay filing fees. These fees go in the pockets of the regulatory agencies. The regulatory agencies have a direct financial incentive to have more complaints. Lastly, the client was given information by the regulators regarding other clients, which is at best irregular, and possibly illegal. Firms know never to discuss a client account with another client without written permission. Regulators especially should respect this privacy issue.

I could write hundreds of pages alone on the examples listed above. When my firm needs help from the regulators, such as reviewing a one page document to make sure that it is in compliance, this can take several weeks. When the regulators have a document request from us, they demand an answer in 72 hours. This can be crippling to a financial institution from a productivity standpoint.

People who work on Wall Street should be trembling in fear at this. It is the equivalent of a slow bleed strategy, death by a thousand cuts. Some would say that FINRA (not the agency I am referring to, I am using them as an example) is regulated by the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC), but this oversight is minimal. The SEC does answer to Congress, but firms will not bring a claim before Congress out of fear. Regulators are the good guys, corporations are the evil bad guys, and if the claim against the regulatory agency is unsuccessful, then the regulators will come back even more determined. This is analogous to trying to “kill the king.” If you only wound the king, he will come back after you with his entire regulatory army.

Yet if regulatory agencies are elephants, then crusading politicians are the equivalent of Godzilla. One example of this would be the former Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer.

Mr. Spitzer wreaked havoc on Wall Street when he was the Attorney General of New York. He rode in on his stallion and built his career around the evil enemy of Wall Street. Yes, there was some corruption. Yes, Wall Street like any other organization had bad apples, as previously mentioned. However, those regulating and enforcing laws must stay within the confines of those very laws themselves.

Mr. Spitzer was alleged to have threatened Wall Street executives over the telephone. Either they “played ball,” or he would sue them. Finally, one CEO of a large insurance company had had enough of Mr. Spitzer’s bullying. He went public to the newspapers regarding Mr. Spitzer’s heavy handed tactics. His company stayed intact.

Yet how many companies roll over because they are scared to death of a Governor who is using his crucifixion of them to become President of the United States? The fact that Mr. Spitzer was brought down by a financial scandal (it was not about sex, it was about possible money laundering) does not change the fact that for too long he was unregulated, unchecked, and unrestrained. On a Federal level, the United States Government harassed IBM and Microsoft, and both companies caved. Only when Intel fought back hard did Attorney General Janet Reno back down. 

Wall Street must start fighting back. The regulatory climate in the financial services industry has gotten out of control. I am not arguing that we stop regulating the industry. Regulation is necessary. I am advocating that more oversight be given to those providing the initial oversight.

The regulators must be more regulated themselves.

After all, financial services firms actually produce goods and provide services. They are the economic engine that drives America.

Stockbrokerage recovery firms, regulatory agencies, and Government officials do not produce anything. They exist solely because corporate America exists. They play an important role in society, but without corporations, there are no regulators. Destroying corporate America would destroy America itself. Productive people understand this. In tough economic times, corporations have to lay off employees. It is unfortunate, but a necessary evil of the business cycle. Regulators should be required to do the same. They should not be allowed to have bloated budgets pursuing frivolous and open ended investigations about non-matters just to stay employed.

In short, to paraphrase Oliver Stone, many of these regulatory employees need to get real jobs in the private sector learning how business benefits society, instead of living off of the buying and selling of others.

Guilty firms can and should be punished. No innocent person should ever be put in prison, and no falsely accused corporation should ever be put out of business. Firms that are innocent of accusations trumped up against them should fight back tooth and nail.

Otherwise, firms can roll over and continue to end up black and blue because they filled out a form in blue when it should have been filled out in black.     

eric 

The State Department had better leave my FBI file alone.

People who try to dig up dirt on me are going to incur my wrath. For those wondering why I am concerned about those wishing to derail my future political career, I shall start out with a syllogism I learned in school.

Premise: All cats chase mice.

Premise: Tony has a cat.

Conclusion: Tony is a mouse.

Hey, I went to public school.

Fast forward from my painful experiences in those maximum security prisons known as public schools to the world today.

Premise: On January 9th, 2008, members of the State Department investigated Barack Obama’s FBI file.

Premise: January 9th in my birthday.

Conclusion: Barack Obama ordered people to look at my file.

I would blame Hillary Clinton, given the expertise that she and her husband have with FBI files, and illegal behavior in general. Yet in this case I cannot do so. I have come to the conclusion that Hillary and I are practically the same. After all, we are just “typical white people.”

I wonder if I can get a discount at Walmart for macaroni and cheese.

There are other reasons that I am convinced that Obama tried to investigate my files.

How often does a Jewish holiday (Purim), a Catholic holiday (St. Patricks Day) and a Christian holiday (Good Friday, Easter) occur during the same week (quite often actually)?

Barack Obama has had controversies lately involving more than one religion. It all ties together.

Also, there are 7 days in the week. There are 7 letters in the word Judaism. There are 7 letters in the word slavery. This proves, according to Louis Farrakhan, that Jews have enslaved blacks since the beginning of time, all the time. Pastor Jeremiah Wright has praised Farrakhan, and Obama has in the past praised Wright.

There are also 7 letters in the word Federal, which is the first word in the FBI.

There are also 7 letters in the word “Tygrrrr” as well as the word “Express.” Aha!

This sinister conspiracy against me must stop.

Now for those who are wondering why I am trivializing a serious matter, there are two reasons. First of all, because that is what I do.

Second of all, the reaction has been idiotic. For those who think this is another Bush Administration conspiracy by the State Department, please remove your heads from your hides.

The State Department hates President Bush. Everybody below Condi Rice should be sent to Guantanamo Bay. The State Department is basically enemy combatants, except less effective and more bureaucratic. If the State Department was any more worthless, it would be the United Nations.

So an organization whose sole purpose of existence is to undermine President Bush would investigate files of people he could care less about at his orders.

To quote George Jetson, “Jane, get me off of this crazy thing.”

Is this breach serious? Yes. The people responsible for the breach were fired, and full disclosure was made. The system worked. If ever there was a non-scandal, this would be it. The real scandal is how such clowns got hired in the first place. Then again, that brings us back to the point about the State Department being worthless.

I can share with you what was in the files of all three candidates.

Obama: He is 50% black and 50% white. After careful analysis, it was determined that he came to be this way because his parents were of different races. He did drugs as a youth, has funny looking ears, speaks well, and has never offended anybody in his existence. He thinks all white people are the same, but then again, we are.

McCain: He was a prisoner of war, is old, occasionally grumpy, believes in suppressing free speech when hanging out with Russell Feingold, and promises to take Osama and steer rope him rodeo style with his own beard.

Hillary: (redacted)

Wow, I wish I could get my file to be as clean as Hillary’s. I should ask Sandy Berger for help. My favorite foods are sandwiches and burgers. These coincidences are frightening.

I am entitled to my private life.

It is nobody else’s business that I would paddle Hillary’s hide given the chance. Besides, how do I know she never tried to paddle mine, or that of any of my friends? Her file is redacted, corrupt woman that she is.

The fact that I believe we could cure two world problems by feeding the homeless to the hungry should not be used against me in a future debate when I am wagging my finger and talking about compassion.

Christian America does not need to know that I think Santa Claus is an anti-semite. You have that fat red b@st@rd skip your home for years on end and think the system is not rigged. I suspect Jeremiah Wright and Louis Farrakhan don’t care that Santa hates Jewish kids.

I would cook Rudolph and eat him, but the last thing I need is more grief from animal rights activists.

The fact that I have a “Larry the Cable Guy” pinup calendar is nobody else’s d@mn business.

Maybe if I just ignore the problem, it will go away. Yeah right. That did not work with Al Gore, Al Sharpton, Al Queda, or Al Green (I have no idea why I included him. I liked his duet with Annie Lennox).

So yes, Barack Obama was behind the viewing of my FBI files. He would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those d@mn kids. I hope it did not hurt when they pulled the rubber mask off of him.

Ok, off to go in my backyard and dig up Jimmy Hoffa and move him again. Actually, I do not have a backyard. Yet if I did, and he was buried there, I would move him if I thought he would be in danger of being discovered.

Enough with the scandal surrounding Obama. He did not even march with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Some would say he was only a boy, but I am tired of excuses. Next thing you know he will try to blame somebody else for the death of Strom Thurmond.

Premise: Strom Thurmond is related to Al Sharpton.

Premise: Barack Obama and Al Sharpton have a bond with skin color.

Conclusion: Barack Obama’s daughter is the reincarnation of Strom Thurmond.

Yes, if I were him I would want his file sealed as well.

As for my file, both I and the world would be better if mine stayed wrapped up tighter than an ex girlfriend who claimed she had a headache, when she was really just sick of me.

eric

While I do not believe the sky is falling, and have lived through people panicking hysterically before, I have to confess that I was taken aback by the violence and ferocity and speed with which Bear Stearns was brought down.

This was not some fly by night company, or some internet stock with no revenue. This was Bear Stearns, an established, white shoe, blue chip Wall Street firm. This stockbrokerage and investment banking powerhouse has collapsed.

http://money.cnn.com/2008/03/17/markets/markets_morning/index.htm?cnn=yes

One year ago the stock was at $160 per share. On February 27th, 2008, it closed at $87.30. This past Thursday, March 12th, it closed at $57. It then dropped 47% on Friday to close at $30. On Monday it dropped another 84%, and J.P. Morgan offered to buy it at $2 per share.

Normally when one company acquires another, the acquirer loses value and the company being acquired gains value. This is because the acquirer normally pays a premium. As my old corporate strategy professor once said, “Acquisitions destroy value, but every CEO believes they are the exception.” This situation is the reverse because it is an emergency bailout, not a hostile takeover.

For the sake of disclosure, I do not own stock in Bear Stearns (thank God). I do own stock in J.P. Morgan, but despite my being a part owner of the company, I am not on the Board of Directors, and the CEO has never solicited or accepted my opinion on any issues.

For the sake of even fuller disclosure, I worked at Bear Stearns for one day in 1994. I was fresh out of college, and was hired as a cold caller. The broker thought I was fabulous on the telephone, but the manager was angry that the broker hired me wiithout his knowledge. Plus, my hair was past my collar, and I wore a dark red shirt instead of a white one. The manager had a military background, and over the vehement objections of the broker, I was told to leave. I was not fired, because I was told I was never hired. Thankfully, soon after that, the manager was fired. Several years later, I did some temp work at the same office. They did not remember me from the first time, and the few days I spent their were fine. I even saw people wear jeans on Friday.

Lastly, in the department of too much disclosure, my best friend growing up worked at J.P. Morgan. He did not know a stock from a bond, so I wondered how he ended up on Wall Street when 50 million people would kill to work there. He eplained that he worked in the firm’s gym as a personal trainer. He told me that if I sent him my resume, he could see about getting me an interview. When I asked if he knew anybody in equity research, he replied, “no, but I know everyone at the gym.” I laughed, thanked him, and decided not to ask him to flex his (gym earned) corporate muscles.

As for this violent Bear (Stearns) Market, there are certain things that need to be kept in perspective.

The United States is not in free fall.

Yes, the dollar is low. The downside to this is that people do not want to invest in a weak dollar. However, a strengthening of the dollar would exacerbate the trade imbalance and deficits we ave with many nations. I will be the first to admit that the dollar must stop weakening, because unless we remain an economic superpower, we will not be a military superpower.

This is not 1929. It is not even 1987. Yet unfortunately, like both of those situations, this situation was completely avoidable.

In the 1920s, people bought stocks on margin. Margin is leverage. When you buy something outright, be it a car, a house, or a stock, you own it, lock, stock (as in market), and barrel (as in oil). It cannot be taken away from you. When you buy on margin, and you default, you lose it. The reason that today the margin level is 50% (higher for riskier stocks, some which cannot be margined) is because back in the 1920s, margin was only 10%.

So as cruel as this sounds, those that lost money in the stock market got what they deserved. No, the rest of America did not deserve the Great Depression, but the speculator went wild, and eventually lost. The expression, “Don’t confuse brains with a bull market” is still apropos. Also, in an irony that should not be lost today, it was J.P Morgan himself who stepped in and saved the country during an early 20th century financial panic. The private sector did have its positives.

In the 1980s, leverage became the issue again, this time in the form of derivatives, mainly options. People thought they were buying “portfolio insurance,” to keep their portfolios safe. There is nothing safe about financial markets outside of bank CDs and money market funds. Attempts to smooth out markets and minimize risk usually lead to bigger risk and more violent swings. The portfolio insurance did not work, the options went against those using them, and the stock market crashed over 500 points, a 22% loss in one day in 1987. Quick and decisive action by Sir Alan of Greenspan prevented what could have been a financial breakdown.

The situation today is no different. People can blame greedy and crooked lenders to make themselves feel better, but at some point personal responsibility has to take over. Speculation is as old as the hills, and whether it be tulips, paper, gold, porkbellies, internet stocks, or real estate with “cheap” loans, the bottom line is that bubbles will burst and unlucky gamblers will lose.

I do not wish financial misery on anybody, because when people hurt, America hurts. My career is highly correlated with the economy. I am the first to get hurt when things go South.

So given my 14 years of experience on Wall Street, I offer sound advice for many.

If you cannot afford something, do not buy it. I drive a 1987 Oldsmobile Cutlass Siera. Yes, this IS your father’s oldsmobile. The owner took good care of it, and I bought it with only 74,000 miles on it. I live only a few minutes from my office, and put less than 10,000 miles per year on a car. This helps from a quality of life standpoint as well. No, the car is not sexy. Who cares? I have seen guys drive $200,000 cars, and have them repossessed. I bought mine for $2,000, and I own it.

I do not own my own home. I rent. I would love to buy my condo, but the prices are too high. Besides, people should not buy anything without doing research. I know nothing about real estate. I do know stocks, which is where I put my money.

Today people are in debt for different reasons than in the 1920s. There are many of people saddled with debt, including many in lower middle class neighborhoods, who had to buy a big screen tv on an installment plan. I went “factory refurbished,” after determining that this was safe as long as I had a warranty. My 55 inch tv cost me $800, and has lasted several years. Yes I wll cry when it dies, but it was worth the purchase. My black leather sofa set seats 9 people. Two of the chairs fold out into lounge chairs, and the other side opens up to form a bed. It costs over $2000 in stores. I bought it on EBAY for $600. The couple that sold it was too rich to care. One person’s trash is another person’s treasure. Another person in my building was going to throw away a lovely marble table. Yes, I think they were insane. I quickly (ok, slowly, it was heavy) brought it back to my condo. It is a gorgeous table, and I am stunned that somebody would not want it.

As for investing, all investing…let me repeat, all investing…is gambling. There is no guarantee that we can make our portfolio risk free from a safety of principal standpoint (again, discounting bank CDs and T-Bills), but stupid behavior can increase risk dramatically.

Do not buy something if you do not know what it is. Your friend knows nothing, unless they are a financial professional. Their needs may differ from yours. Mutual Funds are not “safer.” All a Mutual Fund is is a collection of “things.” If these individual things are risky, adding them together may not lead to a diversified portfolio. It could lead to less diversification and more risk.

Also, public companies issue reports. Those reports are public information. Everything about the financial health of the company is right there. One company may have 20 billion dollars of cash reserves and no debt. Other companies may be saddled with debt. Most companies are inbetween, but their capital structure is in plain view.

Even situations like Enron can be avoided from an investor standpoint. I have gotten many things wrong, but this one I got completely right. By reading that the company had a significant amount of “off balance sheet financing,” one could see the company was debt laden. It was in the footnotes.

Additionally, those with 401ks should make sure that the 401k is not heavily invested in the stock of their own company. It does not matter how large or solid the company may be. Bear Stearns was not a fly by night operation.

Some people claim they are too busy to do the research. Yet even if they hire a financial planner or money manager, they must do research on that professional, and oversee them. Being too busy is not an answer.

If your life is at stake, you do what is needed to save it. The health of your finances should be no different.

It is your money.

eric 

I normally write my column the night before, and publish it during the day. Thank God, for once, I was too tired to write last night, and that I checked the news before writing.

My column was supposed to be titled, “General Sherman should have finished the job.” It ws one of my typical diatribes where I blame an entire city for some misfortunes that could have happened anywhere.

For those who do not know, a tornado belted Atlanta last night. Winds of up to 130 mph ripped through the city and destroyed homes. There is nothing funny about this, and lord knows my conscience would be eating at me if I had written my original column.

I was in Atlanta yesterday on business. I left the office at 1pm for what should have been a 30-45 minute drive to catch a 3:40 flight. Easy as can be, epecially with a GPS tracker in the rental car.

Then the rains came. Then I may or may not have missed the freeway entrance. Apparently Atlanta does not believe in second chances when it comes to freeways, so I took side streets. After two hours due to rain and accidents, I arrived at what I thought would be the rental car entrance. It would take a miracle, but if I really hauled it I could make the flight.

The sign said Hertz. I rented from Avis, so I figured I had to drive a few more feet. I did not know that all the rental cars dropped off at the same spot. There was no way to turn back around. It took me another 30 minutes to go around the block. I called up Delta, got somebody from India, and had them transfer me to somebody that understood me. Luckily, the next flight was only an hour later. At worst it would slightly screw up my dinner plans.

The lady at Avis charged me an extra day for the rental car because I was an hour late. Trying to argue with somebody that does not care is like trying to teach a pig to sing. It wastes time and annoys the pig. Also, Delta charged me extra for the flight because they no longer do standby. I mean what is customer service except to aggravate customers?

To give you an example of how enraged I was, think about my political philosophy. I worship at the altar of big business. Therefore, if you are a big business, and I hate you, then nobody on Earth likes you. I hope the government lets the airlines go bankrupt until competent people take over.

I had not eaten all day, and I had to grab some Krystal and quickly board. When I say Krystal, I mean small burgers, not fancy alcohol. I was in the back row of the plane in a middle seat.

At that moment I wanted General Sherman to finish the job in Atlanta. For those of you who attend public school, General William Tecumseh Sherman’s “March to the Sea,” was a major victory for the Union over the Confederacy. In that battle General Sherman burned Atlanta to the ground. I left Atlanta at 5pm, and arrived in Chicago for a lovely dinner party with the Chicago Cannonball. The weather was in the 50s. Yes, Chicago was balmier than Atlanta.

I had a list of all the destruction I wanted inflicted upon Atlanta. Not the outer areas, just the city. The airport needed to be destroyed. It is a zoo. I frequently go through LAX and JFK. Even Ohare is not that bad. Atlanta is dreadful.

The people at Delta and Avis should have made exceptions due to the inclement weather and not gouged me.

Although CNN had nothing to do with this situation, I wanted them to be wrecked as well simply because I don’t like them. Besides, something needs to ruin Anderson Cooper’s hair, even if for a few minutes.

Yet rather than write the column, I decided to wait until morning. This was mostly due to my favorite type of exhaustion, but also because I try to be careful about heaping scorn on people (Eliot Spitzer being the exemption. There, I found a way to incorporate him into my wrath.).

Last year I was without internet access at home for 6 weeks. Thankfully it was before I began my blog. I wished bad things on Earthlink, especially since they, like Delta, had outsourced their tech support to India. I am not proud that I wanted the top people at Earthlink to die, and I was mortified when Earthlink CEO Gary Betty died of brain cancer at age 49 a few weeks later.

I don’t want people to die. I just, like most people, do not like inconveniences. Unlike most people I wish I handled such inconveniences better.

So as I woke up today at the crack of noon Chicago time, I prepared to write how badly I wanted destruction and mayhem to be inflicted upon Atlanta. I decided to check the news just to make sure the world had not blown up. After all, it would not look good if bombs had gone off in America and I was worried about missing a flight.

I saw the news. A tornado had destroyed Atlanta. The destruction and mayhem had happened.

My thoughts turned to my friend, whose house I had slept in the previous night, the same house I left at 1pm. I hope he and his family are ok. Even CNN headquarters sustained some damage, and no, I am not cheering or holding a parade. Speaking of parades, the St. Patrick’s Day Parade has been canceled. I hope the Irish Americans that helped make this country great pick up the slack in other cities on March 17th.

As ticked off as I get over stuff, I have been relatively unscathed by life. This is nothing but luck. I was in Fort Payne Alabama in 2005. I was trapped in a rainstorm, and disgusted. I went back to Los Angeles, and two weeks later Alabama got belted by the same rain that hurt Louisiana and Mississippi even worse. It was Hurricane Katrina, and I had missed it by two weeks.

This one I missed by mere hours.

I know I need to start being nicer, and more compassionate, and more understanding.

I also know that will most likely not happen overnight, if it happens at all.

I will be back in Hotlanta again soon, and I hope it is a poitive experience for me and the residents of that city.

Besides, when it is not raining, Hotlanta is a great city.

I hope the people are ok. Except the ones at Delta and Avis that jacked with my finances.

Oh heck, who am I kidding. I hope they are ok as well. Lord knows I do not want to be on the receiving end of bad wishes. If God wants to shove a lightning bolt up my rumpus, I am not that hard to find. None of us are.

eric

First, some dates in American history.

March 11th, 2004…The Madrid bombing. We must win the War on Terror at all costs.

March 11th, 2007…The Tygrrrr Express enters the blogosphere. I thank every single person that contributed in any way, shape or form. 118,388 hits and counting.

March 11th, 2008…Happy Anniversary to me, a sobering reminder of Madrid, and…skewering a man through song.

“I didn’t know if it was day or night. I started screwing everything in sight. Yet when stung by a cop it was the end of the line…I lost my career….Love Potion Client # 9.”

One of the worst human beings to ever enter politics is finally burnt toast.

Like most liberals and women, he will not resign or surrender. He will go kicking, screaming and browbeating to the poisonous end.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/08/liberals-and-women-never-resign-or-surrender/

Burn in Hell Eliot. I plan to Spitzer on your political grave.

For those who read the Tygrrrr Express and are used to me being civil, today the gloves are coming off. I want Eliot Spitzer destroyed. I want his insides ripped out.

This is not about liberal vs conservative. It is about a horrible man destroying decent people just because he can. It is about a bully finally getting decked between the eyes and crying. Not since I was in Junior High School have I wanted to see a man get belted so ferociously.

For those who saw the 1980s gangster movie, “New Jack City,” let me recall a scene for you. Ice-T played a cop. Wesley Snipes played a drug dealer. ICE-T finds out that Snipes’s character Nino Brown killed an innocent schoolteacher at random for sport. That was ICE’s character’s mother. ICE-T crashes through Nino Brown’s apartment with a motorcycle, shatters the glass, and punches Brown in the face repeatedly. When the shocked drug dealer cannot understand why business has gone bad, ICE-T responds, “F*ck business b*tch, this sh*t is personal!”

I disagree with liberals. The differences are ideological. I am quite bothered by the Clintons. They offend me from a moral standpoint. Yet with Eliot Spitzer, it is personal.

The man personally hurt me.

I am a creature of Wall Street. The opening bell of the stock market is like rocket fuel for me. I hear the sound, and in my best Mills Lane voice yell, “Let’s get it on!” Whether up or down, every day is a new adventure. The smell of money is within reach.

On the trading floor, my friends and I had a creative strategy for making money, and this strategy was utilized most effectively in a bear market when stocks were down. It was the closest thing to easy money I had ever made. I used to think that short selling was unpatriotic, because it was placing bets against corporate America. However, I later realized that I was playing a fair game by the rules, and that if the corporations did their jobs, made money, and proved me wrong, I would lose my bets.

Eliot Spitzer then came on the scene and waged a Jihad against traders. The Mutual Fund Timing Scandal had rocked Wall Street, and Mr. Spitzer was having difficulty obtaining high level white collar convictions for his “perp walks” in front of the cameras. So instead of pursuing the elephants, he went after mice with elephant clubs. He needed to look like he was doing something, anything, so he banned the trading strategy my friends and I were utilizing. The few hundred shares at a clip apparently were a bigger threat than the billions flowing into mutual funds.

I walked in the office one day, and was told that my trading strategy was illegal, and that I would have to find another strategy. That is a death sentence to a trader. Only the lucky few ever develop one winning strategy, much less two. I left the trading floor, a beaten and broken man.

Although I have built a good life for myself, I do not think I will ever enjoy the same excitement that came from the trading floor. My time is past with it. I am done.

Eliot Spitzer destroyed my trading career. I hope he forever burns.

Mr. Spitzer may be too old to know the fury of the music behind Guns n Roses, but lyrics from “Welcome to the Jungle” encapsulate my feelings.

“If you’ve a hunger for what you see…take it eventually…you can have anything you want, but you better not take it from me.”

Spitzer, don’t ever…and I mean ever…mess with my family or my livelihood…and think I won’t pray for vengeance. This was 2004. I still remember.

As the New York Attorney General, he became the second coming of Eliot Ness from the Untouchables. He believed that he himself was untouchable. He harassed Wall Street like the liberal bully that he is. He banked on the fact that so many liberals are obsessed with class warfare that they would just accept that all corporations were corrupt, and that Wall Street was the root of all that evil. Yes, there was some corruption, but not on the massive scale he envisioned. He used blackmail and threats to force companies into settlements, knowing that fighting back would be a public relations death sentence.

He was the White Knight in shining liberal armor, and he would get those big, bad, conservative, republican, Wall Street bankers.

Now the king of regulation and indictments has been indicted himself, for taking part in a prostitution ring.

Although criminal sanctions and punishments involving sexual behavior are usually only directed at republicans, this case might be an exception. Bill Clinton was able to get away with it because few people expected any decency from him. Eliot Spitzer built his career destroying others for what he deemed to be immoral lifestyles. He got violently bucked off his own moral high horse, and the moral concussion upon landing could not happen to a worse guy.

I could care less about his family. He did not care about mine.

It’s the hypocrisy stupid.

I hope that every liberal that has ever criticized Joseph McCarthy understand and accept why Eliot Spitzer needs the emotional equivalent of being dragged through the town square. Personally, I think the republican Majority Leader of the New York Senate should take him away in handcuffs, a nice perp walk for the cameras. After all, Spitzer did use his office to try and trump up charges against the Majority Leader, Joseph Bruno.

Make him emotionally bleed.

The next time a left wing crusader wants to be President by trampling on the rights of innocent human beings trying to make a living while babbling on it about caring about the little guy, he might want to make sure his own house is not rotting from the inside.

He may blubber in public about how he lost his honor. This is false. He never had any.

Mr. Spitzer, I declare your way of living illegal.

New York will now have a new Governor. Whether democrat or republican, they will be better because they are not you.

Hizzdishonor, let me say to you what you said to me back in 2004.

Mr Spitzer…you worthless bucket of scum…Mr. Love Potion Client # 9…

YOU’RE FIRED!

Now get the f*ck out of my office. I am a taxpayer, and it’s my mansion, not yours.

eric