Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Dead Week

Sunday, January 27th, 2008

This is Dead Week, the worst week of the calendar year. There is no NFL Football this Sunday, since the Superbowl is not until next week.

I hate Dead Week. It is a reminder that while the Pro Bowl is in 2 weeks, in 3 weeks there will be no football. I will have nothing to do. Every offseason gets tougher for me. I have no other hobbies, nor do I care to develop them.

This makes my column on Sundays a practical blank piece of paper. I could take Sundays off, but until my blog is established to my satisfaction, it will be a 7 day adventure.

Some have asked me how I write a column every day, but the truth is I do have a lot of “filler,” although that filler is still helpful to some. One example is the recap I do of Presidential debates. Any monkey can transcribe, and I am happy to be that simian. Yet within a month, that well will run dry.

So what should I write about on Sundays starting 3 weeks from now? I would prefer it not be straight politics, since I do that Monday through Saturday. Here are some ideas below. I would like feedback, but may or may not listen.

1) I have written 70 songs in my lifetime. I could just post song lyrics from one song each Sunday, with the story or inspiration for the song.

2) Jdate horror stories. Jdate is a Jewish dating website, and while most of my experiences have been positive, train wrecks do make for good writing.

3) Links to other articles…a complete copout.

4) I did a radio show for 15 years where I played rock music. I could transcribe my comments from one show per week, or perhaps play the clips if I can figure out how to transfer them from cassettes and cds to internet files. The show was called “Hard as a rock.”

5) I could have people submit me articles from their blogs, and the very best article would be published on my site, with me only providing bookend comments.

6) I could provide links to You Tube videos I like, but then I would have to actually go on You Tube. I suppose I could. In the meantime, here is a hysterically funny clip somebody sent me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2triiYXSY8

I could just play a video clip of me holding a remote control and sobbing uncontrollably, knowing that no matter how furiously I change the channels, there is no football.

About 25-30 Sundays with nothing to do. I hang out with my friends or go on dates in the evenings, but during the day?

I have 3 weeks to figure this out. Otherwise, the quality of this blog is going to drop 14.2%, or 0% for those who already feel it has dropped 100% from its early promise.

Oh yeah, and the democrats had the South Carolina Primary yesterday. Wake me up when the Panthers improve.

Happy Dead Week everybody.

eric

Posted in MUSIC, POLITICS, SPORTS, Uncategorized, WOMEN | 53 Comments »

Why young single Jews are totally…(censored)

Saturday, January 26th, 2008

Young single Jews in America today are completely (redacted bad word inserted here). I can honestly say that our plan at self immolation is working splendidly. What Hitler failed to do, we are doing to ourselves through intermarriage, and remaining childless as long as possible. Yet if there is one thing that is decimating Jewish singles, it is their political activism. I say “their,” because I am not an activist.

Personally, I think activists should be ductaped, strapped to a chair, and forced to watch video presentations of other activists. Then they would realize what it is like to listen to somebody ramble on about a social cause that only the speaker seems to care about.

Animal rights activists could be forced to listen to somebody rail about illegal immigration. Environmentalists could be subjected to pro-life lectures. Feminists can be pilloried with NRA members trying to shoot boll weevils. Do you know how hard it is to put an AK 47 through a boll weevil? Also, they do destroy cotton crops, and if there is one thing that will keep people of all stripes enthralled, it is a video about agriculture.

Yet Jewish liberals remain activists, or as I call them, “lacktivists,” because they lack…well…everything.

This is not just about liberalism, although that is part of the cancer eating away at Judaism. The bigger problem is that if civilizations do not reproduce, they die. The only way to reproduce is for people to meet each other. Being in the same room is not enough. There has to be actual human interaction. A Jewish social event I attended last night is a prime example of the problem. The only reason I attended was because it was one block from my home, so I could walk there and back. Plus, even if I did not meet a potential romantic partner, friends of mine would be there, making it bearable.

First there was a prayer service. People cannot talk to each other while they are praying, which is fine. However, afterwards there is a meal, and at some point, people at the same table should be able to converse.

Yet the pre-meal rituals must take place. Again, this is understandable. Rituals are important, and I do love my religion. However, this event had an environmental theme. All the food had environmental connections. I told my friend, “I think the potatoes are made out of hemp. Wanna try and smoke them later?”

Then the speeches came. It is not that they were liberal, boring, pompous and worthless. I have come to expect that out of liberalism. It is that I could not hear the people at my own table. Luckily they were friends of mine and not romantic prospects, but still…it was a nuisance. I tried to say hello to friends at a nearby table, but every time we reached a couple sentences, the next speaker would come on. Even my columns end faster, and I can be paused online.

Then the last speaker asked what we in the audience could do to be better based on what we had learned. This led to a speech about vegetarianism, at which point I began to pray that somebody would quote Howard Stern and recommend that we recycle toilet paper. Short of an oil tanker crashing into the room carrying scantily clad republican Jewish brunettes bearing sodas and hamburgers, this night was not going to get better.

Yes, the event was environmental, but it was still billed as an event for young single Jews to meet other young single Jews. How can we mingle when we cannot hear each other?

After the speakers were done, we almost had moments of conversation. However, then the organizers had to do “introductions.” Is every other person in the room a committee member? Apparently. After the introduction came “announcements.” Trips to Israel, planting trees, blah blah blah.

By that time, dessert had come out. After a few moments of mentioning how delicious the dessert was, it was time for the after meal prayers. After that the head of the event announced that everybody was to take their chairs and form a circle. They would be passing around bongo drums, or drums of some sort.

As I waited for people to start singing, “May the circle…be unbroken…by and by Lord, by and by…,” my friend asked me if I was joining in the drum circle. I replied, “Well as much as I love a good drum circle as much as any other straight man, I think I am calling it a night.”

Some could fault me for not realizing how many true believers liked the evening the way it was. This is not the case. Even the zealots cannot recruit new zealots unless they can talk to them on a more personal basis.

This is the Jewish community in a nutshell. Bleeding heart do gooders are in the Synagogues, and they divide into two groups of people. The first group could care less about the audience. The social cause of the week is all that matters, whether it be “save the homosexual mosquitoes” or “allow wildlife to have abortions.” The “I hate evil republicans Museum of Tolerance” is a very popular one.

The second group of people actually want young single Jews to meet. They are just too self absorbed to understand how to avoid making things worse. My advice to these activists is simple.

Shut…up…just…shut…up…for five minutes…just…shut…up.

I am not saying they have to become conservatives. I doubt liberal Jews will ever embrace the NRA, but if the entire room was armed, they could have demanded silence long enough to have decent conversation. Liberals have every right to be boring and wrong, but pause for a few moments. Take a breath. Understand that some of the people in the room are trying to scope each other out, and we cannot impregnate anybody and bring new life into the world if the only thing we know about the person we may lust after is that they are as bored and fed up as we are.

Young single Jews today will remain (censored) until the event planners realize that the event is secondary, and that the attendees themselves are the primary focus.

The next time I have to sit through an evening of “Jewish transsexuals for peace in the West Bank,” all I ask is that if there is a hot girl across the table from me, let us get to know each other before she rips her name tag off in disgust and goes home out of boredom.

I would prefer my community of Jews stop being leftist liberal lacktivists to begin with. That is too much to ask. If they can just reduce their acid-base ratio to 95% useless mindnumbing, self righteous zealots, and 5% quiet docile, silent people, that would be a good start. 5% is better than nothing, and babies can be conceived in a short amount of time.

Or at least have the girls wear hemp skirts that the guys can bury their face in like a good bong if the event planners run out of earthy potatoes. Oh, who am I kidding…with my luck the girls would be liberal in every way except one…they would be morally conservative.

Ok, off to buy ductape. My friends and I will chat with each other next time, lacktivists be d@mned. We are young, Jewish, lusty, and in need of less social justice, and more socializing.

eric

Posted in POLITICS, Uncategorized | 26 Comments »

From the NYMEX to LAX

Saturday, January 12th, 2008

I had the pleasure Friday afternoon of visiting the floor of the New York Merchantile Exchange, aka the NYMEX.

The New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) is where shares of companies such as McDonalds, Coca-Cola, IBM and General Motors are traded. The NYMEX is where people trade commodities, also known as futures. Futures can best be described as “stuff.” Tangible physical items are traded here. Crude oil, heating oil, unleaded and natural gasoline, and platinum are traded here. The NYMEX also contains the COMEX, where gold, silver and copper are traded.

(Other commodities such as corn, beef, and pork are traded in Chicago)

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/08/an-interview-with-jim-rogers/

Getting on the floor of the exchange is not as easy as it was before 9/11. Luckily, the people I work with had some connections. It was worth the experience.

The NYMEX in some ways is exactly like the Eddie Murphy-Dan Akroyd movie “Trading Places.” There were men yelling, screaming, and gesticulating wildly in a manner that might only be legal on a trading floor.

Some of the images I had were true, and some were completely false.

I showed up wearing a suit and tie. Because I was heading to a Jewish Sabbath dinner after work, I wore my Star of David Israel necktie. Normally I do not wear anything in the office that expresses a political or religious viewpoint, but I did not expect my tie to be a focal point. I also wore my 1940s style black fedora, because it was cold outside.

I was surprised to see that the traders on the NYMEX were dressed in khakis and sneakers, with no neckties. They are not allowed to wear blue jeans, but black jeans are permissible. This is in direct contrast to the NYSE, where strict business attire is required. In fact, the NYSE offered to buy the NYMEX, and one reason the traders are opposed to this is that they refuse to dress up. The NYMEX is in short walking distance to Wall Street, but perhaps the dress code does not cross the divide.

As for the wall, it is adorned with gigantic monitor screens as well. The screens have tons of price quotes on them. Yet the traders also now walk around carrying small devices similar to laptops, and there are tons of computer terminals on the floor. It may seem strange to have computers on the floor when they are all along the wall, but it was explained to me that the computers on the wall, while not completely for show, do not have real time up to the second price quotes. They are 20 minutes behind, which is no different than an average investor checking their positions online at home.

I asked why they do not just update the machines, but apparently the expenditure was not deemed necessary. The screens look pretty on the wall, and that is that. Traders that have worked there a long time still occasionally get confused, and have to remind themselves that the prices on the screens on the wall are wrong.

While some futures trade actively, there are some that have less volume than one would think at certain junctures. This means that for all the screaming, hysteria, and running around, there are periods of calm and quiet where the traders literally just stand around. Everybody stands. For those who have heard the expression of having a “seat” on the exchange, a seat just means a license to trade on the floor. It does not mean anybody has a physical seat to sit down in. Everybody stands.

There is less jostling than one would think. There is plenty of room. Every once in awhile a fistfight might break out, but this is rare because like any office, these people work with each other every day.

Everything is done by “open outcry,” meaning somebody walks into a room, announces they have something available for purchase or sale at a certain price, and the first people to shout that they want it, get it. A fraction of a second in yelling is the difference between transacting or getting left behind.

Yet the free time periods are strange as well. On the Pacific Stock Exchange, which does not exist in Los Angeles anymore, the traders actually did sit down. When they were bored, they would sling rubber bands at each other. They would get fined for that, but would do it anyway. Then they started flicking index cards at each other.

The NYMEX seems even more strange, although perhaps I caught them on a weird day. One of the traders was Jewish, so when everybody saw my hat and tie, they realized another Jewish person was amongst their midst. As for what happened next, if I was not a part of it, I would not have believed it.

Only people who work on the NYMEX are allowed into the pits, also known as the rings. An exception was made for me because of my attire. This Jewish broker led me into the trading pit for crude oil, and he and I started dancing Israeli style as fellow traders sang “Hava Negilah.” They clapped in rhythm as would be done at a Hebrew wedding. For those who wonder how this relates to finance, I am still scratching my head on that one. Nevertheless, they took a liking to me, and said I could come back any time.

The gold traders have their bizarre rituals. Every day, at 13 minutes and 13 seconds after 1pm, or 13:13:13 military time, they cheer and yell “Yay!” for a few seconds. It does not matter what the market is doing, and the traders of other commodities still have no idea why they do this. In fact, it gets frustrating when they are losing money and other guys are cheering in celebration. When asked why they do this, they replied, “We don’t know. We just do.”

No pictures are allowed to be taken on the floor of the NYMEX, which would have been discouraging if the traders actually obeyed rules. Several pictures were snuck in, although after the last one, a very big, burly fellow let me know not to do it again. I did not test him.

As for television, the screens were not fixated on CNBC or Bloomberg Television. Those channels focus more on stocks than commodities, and the quotes at the bottom are stock quotes. The televisions on the NYMEX were tuned in to Fox News. When I inquired as to why, the traders replied that the television was irrelevant, and that they would be happiest if the televisions were tuned in to ESPN or the NFL Network.

The NYMEX was an exciting place to visit, and on busy days, is most likely a thrilling place to work. Nevertheless, everything comes at a price. With all the money the traders make, one would think they could at least have desks with actual chairs and tables.

The last thing I will offer is that unlike airports in the United States, where one passes through a metal detector, the NYMEX has much more stringent security. There are three separate metal detectors, with additional security measures inbetween the checkpoints. With trillions of dollars flowing through financial exchanges, these precautions are necessary. The traders do not mind. All they have to do is walk down the block and see the hole in the ground where the towers once stood.

As for the Tygrrrr Express, this exhausting week in New York has concluded. Saturday morning finds me taking a morning flight home, reaching LAX by noon. This gives me 90 minutes to get to my office, pick up my car, drive home, and be in front of my television for the first NFL Divisional playoff game. The second game will be tivoed due to Saturday night being my birthday party. Sunday will be football, sleep, and nothing else.

Given the pouring rain in New York, I will kiss the sweet ground when I reach LAX.

Yes, seeing the NYMEX allowed me to see what I love most about New York itself, the action packed thrill of high finance. Seeing LAX will allow me to see what I love most about Los Angeles, that being gorgeous weather, and most importantly, my warm comfortable bed. Domicile, sweet domicile. There is nothing like it.

eric

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments »

Happy Birthday to me…Oh, and New Hampshire is dead

Tuesday, January 8th, 2008

Before getting to New Hampshire…

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY! YAY ME! LONG LIVE JANUARY 9TH!

Ok, so once a year I am entitled to a little irrational exuberance.

I am now 36. 18 is a lucky number in Jewish culture, and multiples of 18 are blessed. So I am twice lucky.

I am in New York right now, and technically I am 35 in Los Angeles for 3 more hours, but I am born and raised in New York. I celebrate New Years Eve at 9pm in LA instead of midnight. So therefore, I am 36. If I were to use the birth minute, I would actually have another 18 hours, but that is too complicated, and growing older gracefully is the order of the day. Plus, I am still stunningly smart and handsome.

I am also cut off from much of civilization, given that parts of Brooklyn near Coney Island make Afghanistan seem modern. I am twice as lucky to be separated from the madness.

As awful as events in the United States have been in the last 24 hours, what is scary is how dependent all people are on the outside world. So many things have happened, and I have missed them by a country mile.

Out of nowhere, I was instructed to go to New York on business. When in New York, I stay with my 99 year old grandmother. I love her dearly, and am thrilled that she has her faculties. She has her vision and her hearing, knows who I am, and I enjoy spending time with her, knowing that most people do not have the luck of having family for that long.

I heard that the stock market dropped over 250 points yesterday, but I did not have a chance to catch the business channel. My grandmother only gets 5 or 6 channels. She has never had cable, much less satellite. She and I were watching Wheel of Fortune for a few minutes, and then switched to some movie with Barry Bostwick. His wife was cheating on him, and then she killed him…I think. I have my grandmother’s gift for falling asleep while watching television. We had group nap time. We also both woke up around the same time, around 10pm. She went back to bed, and I stayed up to blog.

I wanted to follow the New Hampshire Primary returns, but without Fox News, CNN, or even that vast wasteland MSNBC, I had to try and find local news coverage that looked better than snow on her massive 13 inch set. After watching the equivalent of Ron Burgundy in “Anchorman,” eventually the local yokels reported some actual news.

Forget the republicans. It will all be forgotten about with minutes. The news, not that I can watch it, will now be all Hillary all the time.

I am glad I missed the coverage. Rooting against Hillary is like rooting against the New England Patriots. It is pointless. I have said from the very beginning that she would win no matter what. Ed Muskie fights back tears, he is seen as a crybaby, and his campaign implodes. Hillary does the same, and women flock to her. I mean she showed a human side…let’s reward her. After all, there is no way that a cold, calculating, scripted woman could have coldly calculated such a scripted heartwarming moment.

Are women that stupid that they will fall for such a ploy? Of course they are. Ask any woman that forgives a cheating husband. Anybody that says women are smarter than men need to have their heads removed from their hides and examined.

Women have book smarts. Men have street smarts. Unfortunately, women make up 55% of America, so a person with no personality, a tin ear, and a few placed crocodile tears can bamboozle just enough people.

Men are not fooled by Hillary. It doesn’t matter. When Hillary cried, you would think that she was Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Lucretia Mott, rather than an enabler who has done more to hurt women as she and her husband have stepped over them to get to the top. Hillary is not a crusader for all women. She is a crusader for herself. Yes, an entire gender vaccilates between stupidity and willful blindness.

As for Obama, I deliberately kept my hopes down because I somehow have myself convinced that the Clintons will not lose. They can’t. I don’t know how they do it, but every time they seem down for the count, they pull out another political miracle.

True, the democrats of New Hampshire are a bunch of dipsticks, but that does not matter. Hillary will wrap herself in the mantle of a fighter and a comeback kid, and four years from now candidates will grovel at the feet of 32 imbeciles from Dix Hills Notch. Thousands of reporters will report about it. The only thing that could make the event any more pathetic would be if the New Hampshire Primary was moved to Groundhog Day so that the reporters can choose which act of nonsense they can fawn over, Punxatawney Phil or Punxatawney Hill.

I said from the very beginning that the media wanted to create fake excitement, but when all was said and done, the favorites would win. Obama, you are a nice kid, but even Oprah can’t help you on this one. All the polls had Hillary down. It did not matter. All it did was embolden her supporters.

This was not just a chance to drive a stake through the heart of Vampiress Clinton. It was a chance to eliminate New Hampshire, or at least reduce it to no more than a place with second rate chowder. Yeah, I said it, the red Manhattan style tastes better. Hillary would have won the nomination anyway, but at least then people would have said that Iowa and New Hampshire are irrelevant. Now we will not be able to be free of her or that useless state.

Some will hold out hopes that since women flocked to Hillary, black America will flock to Obama in South Carolina. To quote New Englander Steven Tyler of Aerosmith, “Dream On.” Between Bill Clinton and John Edwards, black America already has two champions. Obama is the candidate of guilty white liberals, and they are not as powerful in South Carolina.

The reason why this is so important to me, is because with Obama it is political. I disagree with him on issues. With Hillary, it is more personal. I find her and her husband, but especially her, to simply be awful individuals. She disgusts me. Her election would be poison for this country because she would use the White House to settle scores. People are her friend or enemy. There is no middle ground. She could not govern, because too many people despise her. She would blame them, but at some point she has to acknowledge that her image as an unlikable person is not entirely undeserved.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/08/hillaryplease-god-no/

She cannot and will not ever do this. She was so close to being humbled. She was so close to acknowledging that she was wrong. Now…that is a pipe dream. She was right all along, and everybody who bet against her has learned their lesson.

Obama will be pressured to drop out at some point for the sake of unity. Edwards will rail, and nobody will listen.

As for me, I am relieved I did not watch the returns. It would have sickened me before the one day I want to be in a good mood. The last awful birthday I had was when I turned 24. Ironically, that was the last time I was in New York for my birthday. I had planned to stay for one week, and be back in LA for my birthday, but the blizzard of 1996 kept me there an extra week. All of Brooklyn was closed except for one theatre showing only the movie “Waiting to Exhale.” I now know more about middle class black women living in Phoenix than I ever needed to know.

Every birthday since then has been good. At least the weather here is balmy by wretched New York standards, so I will be able to fly home in time before my party on Saturday night.

The birthday itself tonight will be dinner with some friends in New York, so at least it will not just be me and Whitney Houston.

The licking of Hillary’s appendages by every member of the press will be unbearable for me, so I will be grateful that I will not see it. Besides, I have it on good authority from my grandmother that Wheel of Fortune will be a good episode tomorrow.

The whole point is to make the world a better place, but it means nothing if we get so caught up in the means that we forget the end. Hillary is a disaster as a politician and as a human being, but she cannot hurt my family directly. What would be a disaster is if I spent time watching politics instead of sitting with my grandmother.

After all, no matter who is in the White House, she is just happy that her grandson is visiting.

For that reason alone, turning 36 is pretty cool.

eric

Posted in POLITICS, Uncategorized, WOMEN | 19 Comments »

Just Another Manic Monday (In New York)

Tuesday, January 8th, 2008

Monday, January 7th…7:45am…in the middle of a bathtub jello romp with Elizabeth Hurley…her British accent sparkling as she is covered in strawberry…

7:48am…Phone rings…d@mnit.

“Eric?”

“Yes sir?”

“What are you doing?”

“Talking to you sir.”

“Were you sleeping?”

“Yes sir.”

“I need you to immediately fly out to our New York office. Buy a ticket today, be there tomorrow on Wall Street.”

“Please say this is an April Fool’s Day joke sir.”

“I’m afraid not. I need you to take care of this pronto.”

“You got it sir.”

Tuesday, 1am…arrive at hotel, check email, prepare pathetic excuse for column for Tuesday, get 6 hours of sleep.

Tuesday, whenever I remember to hit the publish button…

The Tygrrrr Express is now in New York, jet lagged as can be. Yes, I know today is the New Hampshire Primary, but I am exhausted. I may snap out something, but more likely I will watch and wait. Like Wall Street Analysts, you will find me brilliant when I predict things after they have already happened.

I hate cold weather, and my birthday on Wednesday will not be spent in LA with my friends.

On the bright side, I am still young, successful, and astonishingly handsome.

Now to put out this NYC fire, get back to Elizabeth in the shower (hope she is still waiting), and God willing get back to LA soon.

As Susanna Hoffs would say…just another Manic Monday…Susanna Hoffs…man she had great Bangles.

eric

Posted in Uncategorized | 13 Comments »

We…can…do…this.

Tuesday, January 1st, 2008

What the heck is that beeping sound?

(knocks the phone off the hook, keeps banging the snooze alarm)

A voice tells me it’s my pager. My pager is black, so finding it in the dark is the needle haystack equivalent. A lucky smack knocks it against the wall, where it may or may not have shattered. The beeping continues.

Who the heck is texting me at this ungodly hour of…1pm?

Great, happy new year wishes. Thanks. Whoever you are, I hate you.

I remember once being awakened by somebody who insisted it was 1PM. I explained to them that they were on the East Coast, and that 1pm EST is 10AM in Los Angeles. The person explained that they knew how to tell time, and that it was 4PM EST, hence 1PM where I was.

Sure, I could get up and write my column. It’s a new year, and starting the year off with a flurry of brilliance might be helpful. Forget it. I wrote the column last night.

The Iowa Caucuses? The first candidate to call me gets blistered on my blog…tomorrow.

The Bowl games? I have Tivo. Besides, does anybody care who wins the Poulan Weed Eater Bowl, the Lack of Insight.com Bowl, the Fishbowl, the RU486 Morning After Bowl, or any other game that I may or may not have made up?

Speaking of the morning after, does anybody remember the David Byrne Talking Heads song from the movie “Less than Zero? (which the temperature feels like right now, even in LA)” The song is called “Once in a lifetime.”

“This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. What have I done? How did I get here?”

I then realize that the beeping sounds are the voices in my head telling me I am too old, even at 35, to stay out this late. I do not even drink alcohol, yet I remain exhausted.

I should get out of bed, but at 1pm, I have to be at work in 20 hours. I had better rest up.

Besides, if I get up now, and somehow stagger to the shower, and get dressed, I can make it out of my condo to go…nowhere, the stores are closed.

My birthday is in just over a week, I should pace myself.

Heck, I could work on my website. All that takes is staggering to my couch. Oh, no. My IT guy has not finished it yet.

I could go on Jdate and search for women. Not a bad idea, except that I am too exhausted to check their adams apples. I do not want a boyfriend, and am not sure that my eyes can tell the difference right now.

Perhaps I can shop on Ebay. No, bad idea. Buying stuff when not at full capacity is problematic. Do I really need another mountain goat? I think not. D@mn creature gets his horns in my hide. Not a comfy way to wake up. Calm down boy, I’ll get you some straw to graze on when I wake up.

I could work on my record album, although I keep telling the world that just because my hair is long, that does not mean I am in a band. The only instrument I like is the triangle, because that tells me lunch is ready.

Ahh, yes, lunch. I could get up and eat something. My microwave is slow, and a 5 minute tv dinner takes almost 15 minutes. I could read the paper, but it is cold outside my building where the stand is, and I can’t find any coins. Reading the paper online is tiring, and my printer is not working. I really could use the lifestyle section. It makes a great placemat for when I am eating.

If I stay in bed for only a couple more hours until 3PM, that would allow me to stay up all night so I am totally exhausted for work tomorrow. The boss might not like that plan.

Running errands…not gonna happen.

Every morning, I say a 4 word prayer to start my day. I use my elbows to try and leverage them against my bed to prop me up. I used to place my alarm clock on the other side of the room, but ripping the cord out of the wall solved that problem.

As for the Jewish brunette who stole the covers, her political liberalism was not a problem last night, although if she opens her trap today I will be more caustic than usual.

Oh wait, she already left. Here is a note. “I tried to wake you, but that was a losing battle. By the way, you have nothing but soda in your fridge. Talk to you soon.”

She is a liar. I have potato chips in my fridge as well. Why they are there, I am not sure, but it saves having to remember which cabinet they are in. One stop shopping, I tell you, is the way to go.

Besides, I combed my hair for her last night. I am not doing it this morning. I am a “retrosexual (Thank you Laree for teaching me my first vocab word of 2008).”

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=retrosexual

I should at least have the decency to say some morning prayers.

“Hey God…those people I pray for every night…yeah those people, the same ones…look after them again.”

I briefly go back to sleep, despite every attempt to wake up. The home phone is turned off, the cell is off as well, and the pager is still shattered, in addition to being disconnected a year ago.

There may have been a car crash outside my building followed by 911 calls and sirens, but telling everybody to “keep it down,” solved that problem. A brief nightmare of me being late for work was averted when I realized they would find me if needed.

Four tvs in the living room, and none in the bedroom. What was I thinking? Oh yeah, a tv in the bedroom would promote laziness. Besides, trying to figure out which remote to use would cause me to break them all as if they were my pager.

Ok, 3PM it is. Come on, elbows, do your stuff. Rise, young lad, rise! Awaken thy exhausted tired eyes!

Why is God shouting? Oh wait, that is my overdramatization of God.

I had better set the alarm now so I do not miss work tomorrow. I wonder where I threw it. Threw it? Oh, screw it.

Ok, time for my 4 word prayer. It has gotten me this incredibly terribly far. Time to contemplate getting out of bed.

“We…can…do…this.”

Happy 2008 all. Except for the person that woke me up earlier. Whoever you are, I still can’t stand you.

eric

Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments »

Can we all live through the night please?

Monday, December 31st, 2007

I really wanted to end the year on a positive note, but life is what it is.

I live in a highrise condo building on a major street in Los Angeles. I have a beautiful view of the city.

After putting in a less than intense 3 hour day today at work, I came home, and did what any guy who is me would do upon leaving work 6 hours early…settle in for a nap.

That was less than 30 minutes ago, and after less than 5 minutes of solitude, the sound of screeching followed by a loud bang was heard. It happens two to four times a year right in front of my building.

No, the screeching was not my ex, and the bang was not her right hook. That could be later tonight, and I am fine with that.

Another car crash. Another call to 911. Sirens, police, firefighters and EMTs. People taken to the hospital, hopefully just as a precaution. Traffic brought to a standstill.

So let me please beg everybody in America to drive safely tonight!

Do not drink and drive. Do not race down the road at top speed.

If you have a guest that you do not want sleeping over, call them a cab. Then after calling them one, call for one to come and pick them up.

I am not going to be afraid to venture out tonight, but I also do not want to be playing Russian roulette.

Drink responsibly, drive carefully, and get home alive.

This is not about you. It is about me.

I don’t want to die. I have Bowl games to watch on Tuesday, I have to be at work on Wednesday, Thursday is the Iowa Caucus, and Friday I am going to a party where republican Jewish brunettes may be attending. The week after is my birthday.

Don’t screw it up for me.

Is it really too much too ask? Can we all live through the night please?

Careful on the road people. We cannot make the world a better place if we are gone. Challenges await many of us on January 1st, 2008, and getting home safely should not be one of them.

Off to take a nap…again.

Stay safe everybody. Have a safe…and sane…New Year.

eric

Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments »

Happy 2008!

Monday, December 31st, 2007

I began by saying the following words.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/the-beginning-of-the-end-of-civilization/

I then wrote my first three columns, and I was all over the map from sports to politics to music to women, sometimes in the same column.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/ideological-bigotry/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/a-silver-black-badge-of-honor/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/detroit-arabs-automobiles-and-awful-football/

Rather than wax poetic about the Iowa Caucuses and New Hampshire Primary for all you politicos, or the NFL playoffs for all you leatherheads, I would rather thank everybody who contributed to my 2007 Blogging experience. I began blogging on March 11th, 2007, for no other reason than a hot, republican Jewish brunette said I would be good at it. I am good at other things as well, but those pleas have fallen on deaf Jewish republican ears.

Nevertheless, so many people have contributed to my blog, and I want to thank them.

Jewish Republicans: Some of these sites have nothing to do with Judaism or republicanism. Nevertheless, I know all of these people personally, and am better off for having met them. As a minority within a minority, it is nice to remind myself I am not the only one.

townhall.com/columnists/BenShapiro

commentarymagazine.com

www.evansayet.com

ieating.net

laurawolfe.net

neoconexpress.blogspot.com

rjchq.org

rootforamerica.com/blog

Religion: My religious faith is important to me, and as vital as a doctor, financial advisor or automobile mechanic is, a spiritual counselor is vital. These organizations do fantastic work for people of all religions, regardless of level of affiliation.

www.uschillel.org

www.chabad.com

Comedy: These people are just plain funny, and I am glad to have encountered them.

beerthursday.wordpress.com

jackiemason.com/youtube.html

pointless-drivel.com

Sports: Not all of these sites are dedicated to the NFL, but sports can unite people all over the world. Whether it be a soccer game in Iraq or the USA Olympic Hockey Team of 1980, many people meet their closest friends due to spirited competition. May people who love sports everywhere enjoy a hug with a new friend who shares their enthusiasm.

alltalksports.wordpress.com

arcanaintellego.blogspot.com

hogonsports.com

justblogbaby.com

noezbuckets.wordpress.com

theasl.com

Miscellaenous: Not everybody can be categorized, but the following sites are written by people whose only connection to each other is their graciousness towards me.

booklocker.com/books/2980.html

sfresidence.com

bleat.wordpress.com

Politics—Special mention: The majority of the sites on my blog are political, but some people have been a true blessing, whether it be helping me get started, answering questions that were inane and painfully obvious to everybody except me, or just befriending me. May every political person get to know these people.

faultlineusa.blogspot.com

http://jerseymcjones.blogspot.com/

micky2.wordpress.com

politicalvindication.com

snooper.wordpress.com

wwwwakeupamericans-spree.blogspo…

Politics—Townhall: There are many political sites, but Townhall is specifically asite where conservatives and republicans can blog. I have made many friends on this site, and I hope they continue to blog for some time to come.

afk.townhall.com

atticus.townhall.com

birdseyeview.townhall.com

bullfrog.townhall.com

commonsensewithkennykemp.townhal…

conservarant.townhall.com

conservativetruth.townhall.com

elusivetruth.townhall.com

fullervision.townhall.com

genxdad.townhall.com

governmentreform.townhall.com

happyjake.townhall.com

jamesabell.townhall.com

j-gop.townhall.com

killerkonservative.townhall.com

life-ology.townhall.com

cerrco.townhall.com

anthonyjsaccosr.townhall.com.

noliberalspin.townhall.com

camp2008victory.townhall.com

publiusforum.townhall.com

oldscout.townhall.com

robstevenson.townhall.com

rwoo.townhall.com

tzimisce.townhall.com

theleftisevil.townhall.com

cincinnatus.townhall.com

thomasreport.townhall.com

viewfromtheisland.townhall.com

thewritestuff.townhall.com

jordan.townhall.com

tturner.townhall.com

wolfsden.townhall.com

youngrepublican.townhall.com

Politics: Not every political blogger is on Townhall, so whether it be Blogspot, WordPress, or somewhere else, I am glad to have run into you.

alogicalillation.blogspot.com

americanranger.blogspot.com

americantruckersatwar.com

jacksonville.com/community/cc/hefty

anthonyframe.wordpress.com

anti-antediluvian.blogspot.com

nicedoggie.net

arkansasgopwing.blogspot.com

baldheadedgeek.blogspot.com

barcepundit-english.blogspot.com

onebigdog.net

bizzyblog.com

blancadebree.blogspot.com

bluebloggin.com

bluestarchronicles.com

boldcolorconservative.com

bpcustomshop.com

brutallyhonest.org

caosblog.com/6092

carynswark.blogspot.com

cassyfiano.blogspot.com

chicagoray.blogspot.com

conservathink.blogspot.com

urbanconservative.com

constitutionclub.wordpress.com

cristyli.wordpress.com

rjjago.wordpress.com

ducadoonpolitics.wordpress.com

dumbrepublican.wordpress.com

edgruberman.wordpress.com

ediblog.com

jacksonville.com/community/cc/hefty

flapsblog.com

wmdvp.wordpress.com

forthardknox.com

ginacobb.typepad.com

gto7.wordpress.com

hapaning.wordpress.com

absurdthoughtsaboutgod.blogspot.com

wheadlinehollywood.wordpress.com

highdesertwanderer.com

hillaryunmasked.com

hiram7.wordpress.com

holycoast.com

houstonconservative.com

ladyliberty.wordpress.com

inrareform.wordpress.com

internationalanalyst.wordpress.com

iraqsinconvenienttruth.com

israelmatzav.blogspot.com

ivo.co.za

jweaver.wordpress.com

jewishrefugees.blogspot.com

jim-rose.com

jonswift.blogspot.com

keepinitrealyo.blogspot.com

leaningstraightup.com

liberallyconservative.com

maggiesnotebook.blogspot.com

matthewschaeffermaine.blogspot.com

mbmusings.wordpress.com

politics.moonagewebdream.com

morewhat.com/wordpress

mymanfred.com

neoconnews.com

tonguesoffire.wordpress.com

neurojava.blogspot.com

http://norunnyeggs.com/

762justice.com

onlyinamerica.wordpress.com

opedcentral.wordpress.com

outsidethewire.mensnewsdaily.com

papundits.wordpress.com

pakistanuncut.com

patricksperry.wordpress.com

thepiratescove.us

proprietornation.blogspot.com

radiantsong.blogspot.com

rakesprogress.wordpress.com

thebosun.wordpress.com

rightopinion.wordpress.com

mcringtail.wordpress.com

righttracker.com

righttruth.typepad.com

rightwingdog.wordpress.com

samnitegladiator.wordpress.com

screwliberals.com

shockandblog.blogspot.com

slapstickpolitics.blogspot.com

smart-lass.com

smithsense.com

soldieroftruth.wordpress.com

standerspoint.blogspot.com

silvertrombone.townhall.com

steadyhabits.wordpress.com

steveintheuk.com

stoptheaclu.com

stoutrepublican.com

strikemepinkifidontthink.com

sultanknish.com

amfree.blog-city.com

the-american-israeli-patriot.blo…

solo.abac.com/sdghacpc/tap.htm

theautopsy.wordpress.com

bwreport.blogspot.com

thecitytroll.blogspot.com

mindcleaner.us

thedailyconservative.net

thedailyslant.com

theexorcist.typepad.com

blog.flipsideshow.com

habitationofjustice.com

thehotjoints.com

thesusanblog.blogspot.com

theroguejew.mensnewsdaily.com

myspace.com/cantgetherefromthere

thoughtfulconservative.wordpress…

tmq2.wordpress.com

tonyhubble.wordpress.com

tsofah.blogspot.com

kishorejets.typepad.com/us_elect…

urbangrounds.com

victorycaucus.com

violenceworker.com

westernideology.com

conhedsayswhat.blogspot.com

willmoyer.blogspot.com

wilsonfu.com

wordparadigm.blogspot.com

jackrich.wordpress.com

yourjewishmaster.blogspot.com

As for 2008, I do have several plans.

I am on the verge of moving from WordPress to my very own site. I have an IT professional working on it.

I bought a webcam, and will hopefully soon be doing podcasts.

I hope to expand my blogroll, because making friends is what makes the world go round.

I hope to help America win the War on Terror, and I hope to combat and defeat ideological bigotry everywhere I encounter it.

I hope to do more interviews. Most importantly from a blogging standpoint, I hope to write well, and improve my skills.

As for what I want most, nothing has changed from my “about” page.

http://blacktygrrrr.wordpress.com/about

I do love them republican Jewish brunettes.

Anyway, life moves so rapidly that I only hope I can keep up, without sacrificing who I am. Unlike those who blog full time, I have a regular career. My limited time writing prevents me from even reading many of the blogs on my own blogroll for weeks at a time, much less other blogs.

Just know that every single person who has ever come in contact with me through my blog has contributed to the discussion.

If I left anybody out, feel free to rip into me in the comments section. Do not curse, or it will be deleted or spammed.

May God bless you all, and thank you for letting the Tygrrrr Express enter your homes and your hearts.

Happy 2008, and much happiness and good things to all!

eric

Posted in POLITICS, SPORTS, Uncategorized | 10 Comments »

Mish Mosh Monday

Monday, December 24th, 2007

For some, tonight will be the eve of a religious holiday. For me it will be a night of pleasure before a day off from work. So let me declare today Mish Mosh Monday and throw many different random things at you, doing my best to sacrifice quality in the process.

First I would like to say that I am not the only warped republican Jewish fellow on the internet. I found a hysterically funny website that combines politics with weekly recaps. However, this fellow does not do NFL recaps. He does alcohol recaps, giving the recipe for a new drink each week. He calls himself “Your Jewish Master,” and he is a riot.

http://yourjewishmaster.blogspot.com/

I thank Laree for introducing me to him.

Before getting to politics, December 24th is the biggest Jewish party night of the year. December 24th used to mean that the only things open for Jews were movie theatres, bowling alleys, and Chinese food places. 20 years ago an entrepreneur created the idea for Jewish dances at ritzy nightclubs all across the country. In some cities it is called “The Matzoh Ball.” In other cities it is called “Schmoozapalooza.” Despite the awful name, these parties get hundreds of young, single Jews, and in some cities gets a few thousand.

Given that I do not like the one in Los Angeles (I know everybody, rumor has it a few bridges are burned), I have spent the last 4 years attending the one in Miami. It makes me want to cry that I will not be in Miami for the 5th straight year. As for why Miami is so amazing…

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/miami-will-smith-is-100-right/

Plan B was to go to San Diego with a friend of mine who is a Broncos fan (yeah, a republican Raider and a liberal Bronco can be friends), and watch the Denver Broncos take on the San Diego Chargers on Monday Night Football. After the game ends, we were going to go to the San Diego Jewish party. Well, the Broncos got knocked out of the playoffs, and my friend understandably decided to save his money. So San Diego went out the window. As for why I like San Diego, one reason is…

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/05/the-san-diego-sorceress/

After debating between Phoenix, Vegas, and other areas, I decided on the Bay Area. A couple weeks ago I entered the Belly of the Beast, San Francisco. In the heart of liberalism, Haight Ashbury, I attended a function that featured hundreds of Jewish republicans. I met a lovely lady at this function, and yes, she is a republican Jewish brunette. While there is a Jewish party in San Francisco, it seems I will be enjoying a fabulous party for two. I fly into the Bay Area at 7pm, plenty of time to pick her up and take her to a fantastic dinner. Forcing myself to be on Frisco soil is a small price to spend time with such a lovely lady. One day later, it is back to LA.

Before getting to the NFL breakdown, my brief focus on politics will be links to previous articles I have written. While my blog has grown exponentially, columns I wrote early on may (or may not) be worth posting again. Some will be lighthearted, others deadly serious.

http://blacktygrrrr.wordpress.com/2007/03/31/the-iraq-war-legally-morally-right-then-now/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/dick-cheney-and-the-wyoming-jewish-cabal/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/destroying-the-jewish-people-one-schoolteacher-at-a-time/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/liberals-can-run-and-they-can-hide/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/detroit-arabs-automobiles-and-awful-football/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/05/ron-paul-sean-paul-john-paul-and-rupaul-which-one-is-the-least-coherent/

Enough politics. I shall now break down the 2007 NFL playoff picture. First of all, here are my predictions from the beginning of the season.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/09/2007-nfl-predictions/

For those wanting more on the NFL playoffs, go to www.nfl.com

My breakdown is below.

In the NFC, the East winning Dallas Cowboys at 13-2 have locked up the # 1 seed and home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Before going any further, Coach Wade Phillips is a lovable country bumpkin like his father Bum Phillips. I say that in a completely endearing way. He had a fabulous quote in the LA Times about the whole Tony Romo-Jessica Simpson controversy.

“A lot of our players have girlfriends, wives, and significant others. Some of them may have both.” Three categories normally does not equal both, but at 13-2, Wade can say anything he likes. Plus, like his dad, he is so d@ng likable.

The North winning Green Bay Packers at 12-3 have locked up the # 2 seed and the other first round bye.

The West winning Seattle Seahawks at 10-5 are the # 3 seed. They will host the # 6 seed, which is undetermined at this time.

The South winning Tampa Bay Buccaneers at 9-6 are the # 4 seed. They will host the New York Giants.

Jon Gruden rested his players at halftime, and gave up a chance at the # 3 seed. This might not be so crazy given that if they win their Wildcard matchup, they would travel to Dallas and play indoors, rather than deal with the frozen tundra of Green bay.

The East Wildcard New York Giants at 10-5 are the # 5 seed. They will be at the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

The # 6 seed is up for grabs. The Washington Redskins and Minnesota Vikings at 8-7 are both alive, as are the New Orleans Saints, hanging by a thread at 7-8. If the Redskins win next week, they are in the playoffs. The Redskins have a tough game, hosting the Dallas Cowboys. However, Dallas has wrapped up the conference, and may rest everybody. If the Redskins lose, and the Minnesota Vikings go into Denver and beat the Broncos, then Minnesota reaches the playoffs. The Broncos have nothing to play for, but Mile High is tough. If Washington and Minnesota both lose, and the Saints go into Chicago and beat the Bears, all 3 teams would be 8-8, and the Saints, who started 0-4, would make the playoffs. They would be only the second 0-4 team to do so, following the 1992 Chargers. Lastly, if all 3 teams lose, the Saints at 7-9 would be out, and the Redskins would have the tie breaker over the Vikings based on beating them last night. Whoever gets in would be at Seattle.

 

In the AFC, the East winning New England Patriots at 15-0 have locked up the # 1 seed and home field advantage throughout the playoffs. While normally a team would rest everybody in this situation, the chance to reach immortality at 16-0 could lead them to play the last game. They host the NY Giants, who instead of fighting for their lives, have nothing to play for given their comeback win yesterday.

The South winning Indianapolis Colts at 13-2 have locked up the # seed and the other first round bye.

The West winning San Diego Chargers at 10-5 are currently the # 3 seed.

The North winning Pittsburgh Steelers at 10-5 are currently the # 4 seed.

Both the Steelers and Chargers have games the last week against bad teams, but they are both on the road, and the teams hate their respective guts. The Steelers are at the Ravens, and the Chargers are at the Raiders. Usually being # 3 or # 4 does not matter. Some would want to avoid the Patriots at all costs, but going into Indy is pretty daunting. Pick your poison.

The South Wildcard Jacksonville Jaguars at 11-4 are the # 5 seed. They are dangerous, and might have a better record against either team they play. They could care less whether they are at Pittsburgh or San Diego.

The # 6 seed is only between two teams. The Tennessee Titans and the Cleveland Browns are both 9-6. As strange as this sounds, even though they have the same record, the Browns game does not matter. They host the San Francisco 49ers, but their fate is entirely based on the Titans, who host the Indianapolis Colts Sunday night, the last regular season game of the year. If both teams win and go 10-6, the Titans are in. If both teams lose and go 9-7, The Browns are in. Therefore, the Titans control their own destiny, yet they have to win even if the Browns lose. While the Colts are tough, they have wrapped up their # 2 seed and may rest everybody.

The Miami Dolphins have wrapped up the # 1 pick in the draft at 1-14, and now are officially Dolphin Safe Tuna, now that Bill Parcells has taken over the job of President. He is expected to fire everybody except owner Wayne Huizenga.

The St. Louis Rams, Atlanta Falcons and New York Jets are all 3-12. The Kansas City Chiefs, San Francisco 49ers, and Oakland Raiders are all 4-11, with the Baltimore Ravens at 4-10. So for all the Oakland Raiders fans out there, the Silver and Black could have the # 2 pick in the draft, or slide down to the # 8 pick. To go 4-12 and still pick 8th…an incredible…and possible…indignity.

For those of you not celebrating a holiday tomorrow, I hope you spend every waking minute reading my blog. To quote the hilarious southern comedian Anthony Clark, “To the Jews, Happy Hanukkah, to the Christians, Merry Christmas, and to the Atheists…well…hope you win the lottery, dude.”

Do not drink and drive, for you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

I wish you all happiness, health, and wealth. Tis the season of miracles, and this will be the day where people may one day read about a miracle for generations to come. No, not the long haired fella…a different miracle by a different long haired fella…yours truly. The night a Jewish republican prince (ok, an outlaw) romanced a republican Jewish brunette princess in San Francisco.

Hopefully we can have dinner in Oakland, sneak into the Oakland Alameda County Coliseum, and get wild either in the Raiders locker room or on the swashbuckling Raiders logo on the 50 yard line.

Or we can just get through dinner and like each other enough to date again.

eric

Posted in POLITICS, SPORTS, Uncategorized, WOMEN | 2 Comments »

My non-interview with Julia Allison

Saturday, December 1st, 2007

julia-allison-with-laptop.jpg

“Have Laptop, Will Pose. With Laptop. Awkwardly. 

I agree, The Blogger-With-Laptop Photos Are Super Lame.

Really, doesn’t anyone own a desktop anymore??

Obviously I would NEVER pose in such a cheesy … oh, crap.

Actually, I hate the above photo, not just because it’s a totally obnoxious, ginormous cliche but because the shocking truth is, I don’t actually look like that when I write. For one, I use both hands. Also, I never lay on my stomach. Finally, I’m usually naked. Okay, okay – wearing granny panties. Sorry, it’s true. Ask The (Ex) Boyfriend.

Anyway, my web guy refuses to return emails or phone calls, so I can’t get the damn photo removed until I convince some nice techy to help me. HELP!!!!”

The above beauty, brains, and self deprecating nature belong to Julia Allison.

I have never met Julia Allison. She is an enigmatic pig in a mysterious blanket. Actually, she is gorgeous, but I was thinking about pigs in blankets before writing this column. Hey, it’s football season, I get distracted easily.

Anyway, back to one thing that can distract me from football and mini-hot dogs, that being the lovely Julia Allison. She is the loveliest Julia on Earth with the sexiest voice now that Julia Child (rest her soul) is no longer with us. Ok, enough thinking about food. She might be the loveliest Alison as well (If this is the best I can come up with, no wonder this interview did not occur).

I contacted her several months before I became a blogger since I saw her on tv, thought she was hot, and remembered that I like hot girls. After I became a blogger, my thoughts turned from potential romance (one directional mind you) into doing an interview with her. She was friendly, gracious, sarcastic (a major smart @ss), and very busy.

Also, given that my blog is political, which is not her area of expertise, and her career is the entertainment industry, of which I know zippity-nada, there was a disconnect.

At some point during our email exchanges, I realized that they were more entertaining than my actual interview questions, which were more routine.

For those who want to know more about Julia Allison, go to

www.juliaallison.com

She is bright and funny. Given that she seems to blog about every aspect of her life, I can only say that she is almost as shameless a self promoter as I am, although with much better hair. Yes, she has a lot to say, but I find her entertaining, which is good given that she is in the entertainment industry. Also, she has something in common with Puff Daddy, or whatever that fellow calls himself lately. They both do many things, are often on tv, have many talents, and I have no idea what they actually do.

She has a dating column. She is dating somebody, but I have no evidence the column led to the relationship. She also works at Star Magazine. I am in an office all day, and people are not exactly sure what I do, so perhaps she is just so successful that trying to explain it would not do it justice. Or perhaps, she clearly explained it on her blog, and “el dorko” aka yours truly, was too busy reading it while watching tv to figure out the obvious.

Also, some of the comments are in larger type. This is not in any way for emphasis. I just have no idea how to change the bloody fonts.

Anyway, below are my interactions with the funny, cool, girl known as Julia.

“Julia,

I watched your appearance on Hannity and Colmes.

After watching your commentary, all I can say is (redacted g-rated pleasant comment). My compliments.”

I redacted the comments for reasons that are nobody else’s business. That is why they are redacted to begin with. She replied.

“Eric – that was incredibly sweet. Thank you.”

I should have let it go at that, but then I remembered a few days later that she was hot. So I figured I would ask her out.

“Julia,

You’re welcome. I travel a lot, so when not traveling I am a homebody. Tonight when watching H & C I thought ‘what the heck…’

At the risk of having the grace and subtlety of a battering ram, I would like to get to know you better, and take you out to dinner if that works for you.”

For those who started the rumor that she and I are the people that the tv show “How I met your mother” is based on, please stop it. It is not true. Then again, to quote Jack Nicholson, “I can’t handle the truth!” The truth is below.

“Hi Eric – thank you so much for the sweet email. I’m actually living with someone, so I’m going to have to decline your very generous invitation. I hope all is well with you! julia”

“El dorko” responded to her.

“Julialah,

As much as I would like to be delusional and think by ‘living with someone’ you mean a roommate or perhaps your great Aunt Edna, I suspect you have a boyfriend. To quote the Killerz, ‘somebody told me, you had a boyfriend, who looked like a girlfriend, that I had in February of last year…it’s not confidential…I’ve got potential (no idea why I like that song).’

Anyway, I cannot imagine him having a career since if I was him, I would not want to leave the apartment, except to rush to 7-11 for snacks. I will say hello from time to time (3-4 times a year) just because I think you are hilarious…your blog cracked me up (in a good way).”

One of Julia’s worst qualities is her annoying ability to be concise and to the point. Anything she can elaborate in a sentence, I can condense into three paragraphs. She is very sharpwitted.

“3-4 times a year, eh? Are you putting me into your blackberry reminders?”

For the record, I do not own a blackberry, and am totally confused by all these networks the young people use from My tube to your face to space place book to Space Ghost Coast to Coast to the Great Space Coaster. I have no idea what I just said.

I contacted her a few months later.

“Julia,

No blackberry for me…timing was random. Happy 4th! I started blogging 3 months ago, and it has really taken off. It is more political than entertainment related. If you are ever open to doing an interview for my blog by email, that would be nice.

eric”

She was receptive.

“I wouldn’t mind doing an interview! Send me the questions whenever you get a chance.
Have a wonderful 4th!”

A couple weeks went by after I sent questions asking her about politics, entertainment, and other subjects. I tend to ask detailed questions. I also told her that a picture of her riding a horse reminded me of a Charlie Sheen movie “Hot Shots,” when he tells the female love interest, “When I saw you grab the reigns, hold on tight, and ride that animal for all it was worth…I never wanted to be a horse so much in life.” She replied.

“EG! So so so sorry. Your interview questions have been pushed into the deep hole that is my inbox, but I’m flying out to SF tonight and will answer them on the plane. How’s THAT for service!

Glad you enjoyed the horse ;)”

A few days later the questions were still not done. I contacted her again.

“Julialah,

The airlines are so slow lately. I feel terrible that you are still stranded at the airport.

eric :)”

“Ha! TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THIS!!!

Thanks for reminding me. :)”

A few more days went by, so I decided a different approach, as the host of a fictional talk show with her as the guest.

“My guest today is Julia Allison, looking spectacular at age 65. I remember when we first started corresponding 4 decades ago. Julia, Tell the audience how we know each other…it’s so funny.

‘Well eric, you were a blogger back in 2007, and you sent me these 20 questions. Things got hectic, but in 2045 I found the email and immediately contacted you. Your schedule was filled to the brim with emails about Viagra, mortgage refinancing, and Christian debt relief. You should check your email more often. It took you two years to find my email reply, but the picture of me wearing granny panties had you hotter than Greg Gutfield at a Bea Arthur keg party. You invited me on your show again, and the rest is history.’

Julia, I am prepared to name you my 3rd best friend in the 5th grade if you complete this task already.”

Her response…what can I say? The girl is funny. I suspect in real life she gets away with everything with a few eyelash bats. I was tempted to bat my eyelashes and have her obey my every command, but she had no idea what I looked like, and standing in front of the mirror practicing my eyelash bats seemed kind of metrosexual, which is so 2003.

She replied.

“HA! That’s what you get for sending me TWENTY HARD QUESTIONS!”

I then came to the conclusion that has riveted everybody since the first word.

“Personally I think the emails back and forth between us are hilarious enough to be an article in itself, but I prefer sticking to the formulaic 20 questions format.”

She then gave me the answer that I remember hearing from girls in Junior High School when I asked them why they objected to me asking them to wear a steak necklace on our dates. I do not know Julia’s position on this romantic suggestion.

“Hi Eric, I just don’t have time to answer these questions, I’m so sorry.”

I honestly was not bothered by this. She is a busy woman, and her intentions were good. I wish she had answered the questions, but as I said, the back and forth tete a tete gave me more insight into her personality than her view on whether or not we should bomb other nations in ascending order with Algeria or descending order with Zimbabwe. Foreign policy is complex.

A few days ago, as I stayed awake due to gastronomical goblins (my midnight soda sugar high had not worn off), I broached her with publishing our exchanges. Also, I noticed that she was seeking feedback from people for her dating column.

“Julia,

I was going through some old emails, because as lame as this sounds, when I need ideas for weekend columns, they give me ideas. Anyway, Here is a bizarre g-rated request. Although scheduling did not work out in terms of me officially interviewing you, some of our email exchanges were pretty d@ng funny. I was thinking of publishing them as a non-interview interaction. Lastly, I may or may not subscribe to your dating feedback thingie. All I ask is if I give feedback that is completely idiotic but well intentioned, redact my name and spare my parents any further grief.

Thanxalotsa,

eric :)”

She gave the go ahead

“Ha, go ahead.”

Ta da! I went ahead.

As I said, I am not sure exactly what she does, but whatever it is, she does it well.

I would mention that she is Jewish, but then my parents would ask questions I care not to answer. So in all fairness, Julia Allison is not the only one who chooses not to answer questions from tough sources.

She does have a reputation to keep after all. It is for this reason I refuse to place my picture online. The paparazzi will drive me crazy, and ask me questions that would be better answered just reading my blog.

Oh, wait, that would be Julia. Read the blog. She is a riot.

If this were a live interview, I would lean over just as the band is segueing to commercial and pretend to say provocative things the audience would never hear. When the transcript was mailed to fans (does anyone buy those show transcripts?), it would contain the word best used to describe Julia.

The word is…(redacted).  :)

Stay you my dear.

eric

Posted in Uncategorized, WOMEN | 9 Comments »

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »