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From the Iron Man to the Dragon Lady

Wednesday, March 5th, 2008

Today is blasphemy Wednesday.

Before getting to the disaster that was Taco Tuesday, it is inspiring to think about perfection.

Like many, I constantly strive and fail to reach perfection. As a kid, even though I hated school, I was always afraid that the one day I missed, good things would happen. I never got the perfect attendance award. Several years I missed one day. My parents knew I was not one to play hooky, and they insisted on keeping me home when I was ill. I just couldn’t get through without missing that one day.

I have been with my current firm for over three years. For three years I did not miss a day of work. I took my vacations, but did not call in sick. I remember James Caan in “The Program” asking one of his football players, “Are you injured or are you hurt?” When the player wanted to know the difference, the coach replied, “If you’re injured, you can’t play. If you’re hurt, you can play.”

I have been hurt, but not injured. So I went to work. I would get bored out of my mind at home, given how much I hate daytime television. So I go to the office and tough it out. Yet a few weeks ago I was down for the count. It was a Thursday, and I knew that if I could hit the showers by 8:30am, like I always do, being in at 9am was easy. At 8:22am I was sitting on the floor of the bathroom, unable to stand up. The shower was right there. 11 minutes later, at 8:33am, I gave it one final push. I could not get up. At 8:35am I called the boss. He was surprised, but I told him, “I’m injured.”

By the early afternoon I felt well enough to come into work. I could work a half day, and make up the hours, and keep my streak intact. Yet logic took over, and I decided to stay home. The next day I started a new streak.

Three hours seems impressive, but 17 years without missing work is more impressive. This is why the flags are flying half staff today at Green Bay, Wisconsin. Quarterback legend Brett Favre announced his retirement after 17 NFL seasons. The iron man of professional football did not miss a single game. From the third week of the 1992 season to the crushing overtime loss in this year’s NFC Title Game, Brett Favre had 100% perfect attendance. He was the Cal Ripken of football.

Many are questioning why he would retire when his team was so close to the Superbowl last year. Some are speculating that the inability to land Randy Moss played a role. Yet his reasons are his own.

Steve at www.norunnyeggs.com is most likely in mourning today. Pray for him.

Perfect attendance is impressive, but the one thing to keep in mind is that showing up is not enough. Had I gone to work the day I was sick I would have slept at my desk, contributing not an ounce of productivity. I would have been cheating myself. Perfection should not have an asterisk next to it.

Brett Favre battled a painkiller addiction early in his career, but he never cheated the game of football. He went all out, all the time. He won a Superbowl, and was one drive away from possible back to back titles. His fourth quarter comebacks are numerous. He has shattered the record books, leaving as the all time passing leader in several categories. His record of accomplishments is as lengthy as his 17 years, and he is a lock to be a first ballot Hall of Famer.

I think about this because it seems that in politics, unlike sports, merit does not seem to matter. People make claims, and those claims are just accepted. People do not have to prove themselves. They do not have to take responsibility for their own actions. Congress works Tuesday through Thursday, and praises itself for hard work. Resume padding is the norm.

This is how Hillary Clinton, a woman with no notable accomplishments, can brag about her 35 years of experience. She is now 60 years old. That means that when she graduated law school at age 25, her experience began. Does anybody think that those years contributed anything to her readiness today?

She cites several examples of her experience. One is how she fought for universal health care. So what? She lost. She failed. This does not make her a bad person, but we do not reward people in life for trying. We reward people for results. Hillary Clinton attempted to do something, and she failed. This is not an accomplishment.

She also discusses her role in bringing peace to Northern Ireland. She had nothing to do with the Irish peace process. It was George Mitchell, a seasoned Senatorial veteran with years of experience involving negotiations, who got the job done.

Hillary speaks of her standing up to the Chinese with regards to the rights of women. Again, so what? This did not lead to a policy change of any kind. She made  aspeech. She has continually attacked Barack Obama for being more about speeches than solutions, but all she did was make a speech. It was ignored. To put it blountly, she is not a good speaker. She does not inspire.

Her visiting 80 countries with Chelsea means absolutely nothing. I have visited foreign nations and managed not to get into any fistfights. This does not mean I am a diplomat. I am a tourist. Hillary Clinton was a famous tourist. She was a celebrity who was married to somebody that was a President.

One of the reasons she was sent to all of these places was to get her out of the United States, especially during election years. The more people hear her, the less they like her.

Hillary Clinton is simply a bland person who married a gifted person. She confuses his gifts with hers. She claims experience that she does not possess. She takes credit for accomplishes that have nothing to do with her. She takes blame for nothing. Worse still, she is here to stay. She will not voluntarily go away…ever.

I have often said that it is better to have people ask “why are you leaving,” than “when are you leaving?” Very few people get to walk away on their own terms. They hang around until they are shells of their former selves. Former Denver Broncos quarterback John Elway won back to back Superbowls, and then retired. He wanted to play, but admitted that his body, “just couldn’t do it any more.” Other athletes like boxer Evander Holyfield retire several times.

I still think that Brett Favre will change his mind and come back. After everything he has done, he is entitled to do so.

Hillary Clinton will leave when she is dragged kicking and screaming from the building. Worse still, despite much of the American electorate wanting her to leave, she will not put the good of anybody else above what is best for her. People need her because she says so.

Yes, she won Ohio. She also won Texas, at least the primary aspect of it. Yes, these are legitimate victories, but should that erase the fact that she lost 11 contest in a row? Barack Obama was racking up wins, while she was offering excuses. She is ready to tear the democratic party apart to get the nomination. This is not what team players do. Ask any backup quarterback how to behave, and they tell you that they practice hard, and patiently wait their turn, and accept the decision of the coaches. They put the team above themselves.

Hillary Clinton is a fire breathing dragon, Lady MacBeth minus the warmth. Like most dragons, breathing fire to destroy the Earth is another day at the office for her.

The Iron Man has taught us what life is about, and how to live. The Fire Lady has taught us how not to live. He walked away, possibly before his time, on his own terms. She will stay until the very last vestige of power has been ripped from her body and soul.

Short of repealing the 19th amendment, I have no answers.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2008/01/repeal-the-19th-amendment/

Charlotte Allen explains in the Washington Post that perhaps women are just not very bright.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/02/29/AR2008022903397.html

I am too disgusted to add anything else regarding Texmex Tuesday. For the Milli Vanillionth time, Hillary and Bill Clinton have morphed into Bill Murray from “What about Bob.” “Gone? They’re never gone!”

Before we roll out the barrel and get to the Pennsylvania Polka, the Wyoming caucus and Mississippi primary will hopefully finally help remove this cancerous lesion from the Presidential race.

Yet this woman, married to Lazarus, will not be counted out. I remain frightful. She can still win.

Yet no matter what, the republic will survive. So will I.

Besides, Las Vegas was fun, the Chicago hotel tower suite is gorgeous, and so is the “Chicago Cannonball.”

I am not allowed to elaborate at this time. Well I am, but I might get throttled.

Off to listen to rock group “The Cult” sing “Fire Woman.”

“Fire…smoke she is a rising…smoke on the horizon baby…Fire Woman.”

Perhaps the only thing that should be retired is today’s column.

There. Done.

eric         

Posted in MUSIC, POLITICS, SPORTS, WOMEN | 12 Comments »

No More Twinkies!

Sunday, February 24th, 2008

I have stated on many occasions that my life is a traveling carnival of adventure. Sure there are the occasional mishaps, and I am still thankful to a member of the Glendale, Arizona Police Department for helping me not end up dead on the streets of Phoenix. Yet even that danger did not offset the real memory, that of witnessing one of the greatest Superbowls of all time. A half of a century from now, I will tell my future grandchildren, “I was there.” Heck, in 50 years I will probably tell people that I was on the field playing.

The Tygrrrr Express was relatively calm for the rest of February, but March and April are already shaping up to be ridiculous. I will be bouncing around America like a ping pong ball. As I say to people, “as the carnival travels.”

In March I have a political function in Las Vegas, where former Australian Prime Minister will be. I hope to meet him. After that I am off to Atlanta on a business trip, where I will then face a potentially life altering decision. I will either go to Miami and frolic during Spring Break, or go to Alabama. Either way, I come back to Los Angeles long enough to breathe, before attending a wedding in San Diego.

April will be just as insane. I have another political function, this time in San Francisco. Apparently Western Civilization is collapsing, because I will actually be one of the speakers. After that is a business trip to Chicago, followed by a New York business trip to Wall Street, which will allow me to see family, and attend the NFL Draft.

Yet even burning the candle at both ends will not wear me out if I manage to finally break away from what really distracts me from personal growth…twinkies.

I must give up twinkies. I do not care how hot they are. If a woman is too young for me, I will ignore every wriggle, wiggle, bounce and jiggle. It is time to get serious. No more twinkies.

At age 24, I was lusting after a 19 year old brunette. I realized that I liked 19 year old brunettes, and continued to date them as I turned 25 and 26. They were never 18 or 20, just 19. At age 27, I was still dating 19 year old brunettes. I was partying like it was 1999, although that could have been because it actually was 1999.

I made a decision that I could not live like this forever. The Millennium was approaching, and I would turn 28 only 8 days later. I developed a plan called “Maturity 2000.” I would stop dating twinkies. No more 19 year old brunettes. I would now date 20 year old brunettes. Baby steps away from babies. At age 29 I was dating a 23 year old. This was progress. True, her best assets were above her waist, but I always rationalized that any woman with a hot body had to be intelligent. I was a smart guy of substance, so I would not be so shallow as to romance somebody just because they had yummy bouncies.

Yet when the guys would discuss Middle Eastern politics, she would want to talk about Britney Spears’s Pepsi commercial. The handwriting was on the wall. I was dating a woman I could not have intelligent conversations with solely because she bounced and jiggled.

I broke off the relationship, turned 30, and met a nice girl at a party for graduate students. I was a grad student, and I figured her to be 24 or 26. I cannot explain why I did not think she was 25. One day she confessed to me that my assumptions about her age were off base. Even though she was intelligent, she was…magic number…19. Breaking it off on the spot would have been cruel, and I did like her company. In fact, I think she did my homework once.

It was a computer project, and I am technologically incompetent. The project was incomplete when I went to bed, and when I woke up I saw a message from the professor thanking me for emailing him the completed assignment, which was perfect. She insisted that she did not do it, and my roommate, also a computer expert, insisted he did not do it either. I could have walked in my sleep and done it, but to this day I have no idea how the project got done.

Nevertheless, we broke up at some point on very friendly terms. A 30 year old man should not be dating a 19 year old. My next girlfriend was more in my age range. She was 20, and she had yummy bouncies as well. The fact that we had nothing in common forced me to again evaluate my life. Maturity 2000 did not get implemented, but I had turned 30 myself. Round numbers for some reason inspire people to arbitrarily do things. I then unveiled my upgraded model of life, known as “Maturity 2002.”

Implementation proved rocky, but I thought I had finally reached adulthood when in 2005 I was dating an older woman. She was 9 years my senior. I thought my family would be thrilled. Instead, my dad referred to her as Mary Kay Latorneau.

I made a decision that I needed to stick within my age range. I also decided that 10 years my junior would be an absolute cutoff The numbers could be 11 apart if it was less than 10 1/2 total. 2008 was the year I was officially over 35. I was much closer to 40 than 30. I began dating a smart woman looking to become a criminal prosecutor. She was intelligent, sweet, beautiful…and 22.

14 years. I was truly on the verge of becoming a letch. I did not want to be one of those 50 year old guys dating women half my age, driving an expensive car to overcompensate, one of those guys with no hair on top and a pony tail, and a pretentious fake British accent to round out the stereotype.

Things hit home when we went to a party. At 2am I was tired. I wanted to go home. She would have partied all night. I need a nap during the day to be able to effectively celebrate the “other 9 to 5.” I think after that night she saw me as a senior citizen. We broke up. It may not have been the age difference, but that did not help.

I am single as of a few days ago, and while I did not officially launch “Maturity 2008,” I hope that version does not have bugs in the software.

A big test for me will be my trip to Hotlanta. I am one of those guys that gets totally dopey around Scarlett Ohara type Southern Belles, especially the brunettes. After Atlanta, the key decision of Alabama versus Florida will set in. The fate of my maturation may hang in the balance.

South Florida allows me to visit my parents, and after they go to sleep, hang out in South Beach. In Miami the clubs are open until 5am. It is 75 degrees at midnight, and the clubs are on the beach. I do love hanging from the balcony of a couple of the clubs surveying the scene. “The Clevelander” is a bar surrounding a swimming pool. Hot Miami nights appeal to me. Spring Break is approaching, and I am still barely young enough to date grad students.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/miami-will-smith-is-100-right/

Yet there is more to life than twinkies. I would like to become a husband and father, and some of the loveliest yummy bouncies have not led to anything of substance.

I vow to avoid playing bedroom volleyball with any young coed from now on, no matter how spectacular their God given gifts are. I will ignore them from front to back.

Perhaps to avoid Temptation Island Miami altogether would be wise. My friend in Alabama lives on the Auburn campus. Auburn fans are the Tigers. It is a sign. I have been to Princeton, New Jersey, and Clemson, South Carolina. I do like meeting my fellow Tigers.

It is a sign. Miami is crack. I should go Westbound and Down, and take the Tygrrrr Express to Alabama instead.

Besides, Auburn is a college campus with grad students. There is no way I could get into trouble there.

Or maybe there is.

eric

Posted in WOMEN | 6 Comments »

Happy “Force men to spend money so your gender will leave us alone” Day

Thursday, February 14th, 2008

Happy “Force men to spend money so your gender will leave us alone” Day!

Yes, it is February 14th.

http://www.worldloveinc.us/page/page/1391009.htm

First, let’s dispense with some myths, and contrary to what an eighth grader once wrote in an essay, a myth is not a female moth.

Myth # 1) I am against Valentine’s Day because I am lonely.

Fact–I am dating a lovely woman. We are happy.

Myth # 2) Valentine’s Day is not about bleeding mens’ wallets.

Fact–The jewelry, chocolate, flower and teddy bear industries beg…and beg…and beg…to differ…inbetween bouts of begging.

Myth # 3) Women should be treated extra special on Valentine’s Day.

Fact–Every day should be Valentine’s Day. Getting it right one day per year does not permit being a screwup the other 364 days. It means guys can clean their own laundry, put it away themselves, cook their own dinner, do the dishes, and care what their woman has to say when she is pouring her heart out (with exemptions during NFL Sundays).

I am not anti-love. I am anti-stupidity. Forced romance based on artificial timetables and constraints is the height of stupidity.

Now as much as I would like to wish sweet nothings on Shannon Doherty and every republican Jewish brunette on the planet, I need to save a certain amount of goodness for the intensely kind lady that sent me some hate mail yesterday.

She read my column entitled “repeal the 19th Amendment” and got her panties in a wad.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2008/01/repeal-the-19th-amendment/

I am just thankful she did not read about my fantasies involving Bea Arthur and Monique from Showtime at the Apollo. Then she would have really thought I had screws loose.

After all, how many people are convinced that C3PO is homosexual, most likely a Log Cabin Republican? How many stay up at night wondering if C3PO could win a fistfight with Wembley the Fraggle from Fraggle Rock?

Yep, I am a strange ducky, with apologies to web footed friends everywhere, especially since a duck might be somebody’s mother.

Now that my deadly serious credentials have been established, I bring you the rantings of a flaming feminist (redundant, I know). I would remark that this woman needs a good paddling on her badonkadonk, but that would inflame the situation (as well as the bandonkadonk itself), and lord knows I am not about inciting trouble. Below is her screed.

“Okay, I don’t know who you are or what this website is all about, but I think this was the most ignorant article I have ever read. Canceling the 19th Amendment? Are you mentally unstable or something? I know you were trying to make a point- I got that. But it was a stupid way of getting there. Not every women agrees with Hillary Clinton’s ideas and will vote for her just because we want to get the male population in this country back for all of the inequality it has put us through in history. Personally, I love Obama and I think he can bring about change. But if he wanted to cancel women’s suffrage, like you say you want to, I would call him a testosterone driven bigot who shouldn’t even be participating in politics.”

I shall now repeat her comments, interspersed with my own rapier wit.

"Okay, I don't know who you are…"

I am eric! I am thrilled we cleared that up!

"or what this website is all about…,"

Well don’t let me stop you from jumping to conclusions!

"but I think this was the most ignorant article I have ever read."

1)	What was the other article you read, not counting anything with pictures?
2)	Yeah baby! I’m # 1! Take that other alpha males!

"Canceling the 19th Amendment? Are you mentally unstable or something?"

I just might be….until the verdict comes back, I will go with “or something.”

"I know you were trying to make a point- I got that."

Well bully for you! I shall toss thee a cracker like I do with the other baby seals.

"But it was a stupid way of getting there."

Actually it was pretty d@ng funny to anybody with a sense of humor. You, most likely
being a feminist, lack this.

"Not every women agrees with Hillary Clinton's ideas and will vote for
her just because we want to get the male population in this country back for all
of the inequality it has put us through in history."

Life sucks, get a helmet, and stand in line behind every other victim group. I gave
at the office.

"Personally, I love Obama and I think he can bring about change. But if he
wanted to cancel women's suffrage, like you say you want to, I would call him
a testosterone driven bigot who shouldn't even be participating in politics."

I agree. Anybody who seriously advocated that would be uncivilized. I on the other
hand was not being serious. I do not believe we should take women and give them
the ketchup bottle treatment, no matter how lovely their badonkadonk. However, I
do believe any woman that interrupts me when I am watching football should come
down with laryngitis.

Oh, and Adam was blameless. It was all Eve’s fault…and nobody cares about the WNBA
or Lifetime Network. Ok, that covers everything.

eric  :)

P.S. Happy "Force Men to spend money so your gender will leave us alone"
Day, aka February 14th.

Ok all, I think the point has been rammed down this woman’s throat, which I cannot say is a location I would want myself to be, because I have never seen her pictures. Also, the woman I am dating would throttle me, and lord knows she is a patient one. She has to be. She is dating me.

Now to go plan a nice weekend for her, not because a holiday dictates it, but because she is sweet and unpretentious, and the less she asks for, the more I want to give her.

Happy February 14th everybody! For those celebrating, remember two things…

1) The J. Geils Band singing “Love Stinks,” is not the way to score points.

2) Feminists are people too. They have the same needs and desires as everybody else. They just need it from each other, not men.

eric

Posted in POLITICS, WOMEN | 11 Comments »

Dead Week

Sunday, January 27th, 2008

This is Dead Week, the worst week of the calendar year. There is no NFL Football this Sunday, since the Superbowl is not until next week.

I hate Dead Week. It is a reminder that while the Pro Bowl is in 2 weeks, in 3 weeks there will be no football. I will have nothing to do. Every offseason gets tougher for me. I have no other hobbies, nor do I care to develop them.

This makes my column on Sundays a practical blank piece of paper. I could take Sundays off, but until my blog is established to my satisfaction, it will be a 7 day adventure.

Some have asked me how I write a column every day, but the truth is I do have a lot of “filler,” although that filler is still helpful to some. One example is the recap I do of Presidential debates. Any monkey can transcribe, and I am happy to be that simian. Yet within a month, that well will run dry.

So what should I write about on Sundays starting 3 weeks from now? I would prefer it not be straight politics, since I do that Monday through Saturday. Here are some ideas below. I would like feedback, but may or may not listen.

1) I have written 70 songs in my lifetime. I could just post song lyrics from one song each Sunday, with the story or inspiration for the song.

2) Jdate horror stories. Jdate is a Jewish dating website, and while most of my experiences have been positive, train wrecks do make for good writing.

3) Links to other articles…a complete copout.

4) I did a radio show for 15 years where I played rock music. I could transcribe my comments from one show per week, or perhaps play the clips if I can figure out how to transfer them from cassettes and cds to internet files. The show was called “Hard as a rock.”

5) I could have people submit me articles from their blogs, and the very best article would be published on my site, with me only providing bookend comments.

6) I could provide links to You Tube videos I like, but then I would have to actually go on You Tube. I suppose I could. In the meantime, here is a hysterically funny clip somebody sent me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2triiYXSY8

I could just play a video clip of me holding a remote control and sobbing uncontrollably, knowing that no matter how furiously I change the channels, there is no football.

About 25-30 Sundays with nothing to do. I hang out with my friends or go on dates in the evenings, but during the day?

I have 3 weeks to figure this out. Otherwise, the quality of this blog is going to drop 14.2%, or 0% for those who already feel it has dropped 100% from its early promise.

Oh yeah, and the democrats had the South Carolina Primary yesterday. Wake me up when the Panthers improve.

Happy Dead Week everybody.

eric

Posted in MUSIC, POLITICS, SPORTS, Uncategorized, WOMEN | 53 Comments »

Repeal the 19th Amendment

Thursday, January 10th, 2008

Ok, January 9th was my birthday. January 10th it’s back to business. No more warm fuzzies. Time to save America from those that wish to screw it up.

Repeal the 19th Amendment.

Yes girlfriend. I went there. Talk to the hand if you have a grievance.

Yeah, I know this could cost me some Jewish brunette frolicking, but the liberal ones don’t like me anyway and the conservatives will understand.

There is no reason for women to vote anymore. Voting is a responsibility, and the female gender, at least in New Hampshire, has proven that it has no interest in this sacred trust.

Women were supposed to be the thinking species, while men were emotional John Wayne types that went off half cocked without using their brains. No more.

Women were supposed to be liberated, and they were to embrace equality. Instead they chose vengeance.

Women were supposed to care about women’s issues. Apparently abortion was a woman’s issue until a couple days ago, when staunchly pro-choice candidates were defeated by a woman who vaccilates on the issue, as she does with every issue.

Women were to respect themselves. Instead, they chose somebody who, with help from her husband, treats women like dirt.

The worst stereotypes about women were revealed during the New Hampshire primary. What was learned in that dreadful state was that crying on cue works. Yelling about breaking into the boys club and then playing the victim card works. Substance means nothing.

I am sure elderly women are turning to their granddaughters and saying, “Honey, this proves that you can be empty inside, have no core values or beliefs, and spread venom, but if you evoke enough sympathy, you too can be President.”

I used to blame Hillary. I realize it is not just her. She has every right to be a phony, a woman who is more scripted than Jim Carrey in the “Truman Show.” Hillary’s whole life is a giant poll driven focus tested meal spun in a blander.

Yet the blame goes to the women who support her, because of why they support her. She is their sister.

The fact that she would slit their throats to get what she wants does not matter. She has the correct appendages.

Some may argue that many women simply agree with her philosophies. Her philosophies? About what?

She has been fighting for 35 years about something, she keeps reminding us. Yeah, and my Dad’s Army service, of which he told me about in some detail, qualifies me to be the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. My quarter of a century watching football qualifies me to be an NFL Head Coach. My shares of stock in various companies makes me a part owner, and therefore I should run the companies.

Yet Hillary, a woman who has succeeded at nothing more than getting her M.R.S. degree and riding her talented husband’s coattails, wants people to believe she has political accomplishments.

I am a republican, and am diametrically opposed to the policy prescriptions of John Edwards and Barack Obama. I disgree with what they stand for. Yet at least they stand for something (although barely at times).

They are both staunchly pro-choice on abortion. Yet women flock to Hillary. They are both good to their spouses, at least on the surface. There are no reports of either man verbally or physically abusing his spouse in fits of rage. Yet women support Hillary.

Hillary is not a feminist icon. She is to politics what Martina Navratilova was to tennis. Hillary charges the net, and plays the game like a man. She goes for blood, and has ruthlessly dispatched any woman that has stood in her way (In all fairness to Martina, she played by the rules, and deserved her accolades).

Sticking with tennis, Billie Jean King did not defeat Bobby Riggs by crying, or pretending to cry. She relied on her ability, and was an undisputed winner. She advanced the cause of women.

Hillary appeals to the worst in women. After all, how can women not be embarrassed by a woman married to a sexual predator who plays the role of feminist with such ease?

The answers are simple. Some women are blind. They simply know nothing about Hillary. They are apolitical, and she seems nice enough on tv (not really, but to them anyway).

Some women are willfully blind. They refuse to believe she could be that awful. She is one of them. They want her to be good on women’s issues.

Some women don’t care. They are amoral, if not immoral. Men ruled for so long, and now it is payback time.

So yes, an entire gender, at least in New Hampshire, has let a combinaton of stupidity, naievete, and vengence allow them to sell everything the feminist movement stood for and flush it down their collective pink frilly toilets.

There are plenty of women candidates who have actual records of accomplishment, many of whom I disagree with. Dianne Feinstein is wrong about virtually everything, but at least she works hard at her job. Some women may have no record of accomplishment, but at least have core beliefs, wacked out as those beliefs may be. Barbara Boxer may be insane, but at least she proudly stands behind her insanity. She does care about women (unless her cousin Bill Clinton is harassing them, or the victim is conservative).

Yet Hillary is the Paris Hilton of politics. She has nothing to say, and yet continues to speak. She demands to be seen as relevant, and enough people oblige. She cannot stay out of trouble, yet she fascinates just enough people to where she cannot be removed from page one.

Women fought for the right to be equal. If Hillary is the pinnacle of their success, then maybe men should start celebrating. On every level of life that matters, we took the women of the world and kicked their @sses. We got them to vote against their own best interests.

Men want low taxes and dead terrorists. We will support the candidate that will take his steel toe and jam it up Al Queda’s hide.

Women want…things…things that matter..and make us feel good…and warm and fuzzy…and yet they support an ice princess whose sole redeeming quality with regards to women is…(gimme a few weeks)

If this is the best women can do, than the last 80 years have been a waste. Stick them back in the kitchen where the worst damage they can do is to my dinner.

Yeah, some women are going to get angry with me. So what? I am angry that terrorists want to kill us, and they are more concerned with…whatever the heck it is they care about.

As for women who resent my words, my words won’t damage our nation. Your actions very well could. Your anger at my ranting is less threatening to society than your willingness to sacrifice principles you claim to have fought for since Eve tricked Adam and got us into this mess.

Bill Richardson happens to be Mexican. He did not run as a cross between JFK and George Lopez. Barack Obama happens to be black. He is going out of his way to appeal to white Americans, which prior black candidates failed to do.

Hillary is not a candidate who happens to be a woman. She is simply a woman candidate. She is an empty shell that is whoever you want her to be…except honest and genuine.

She did not fool me, nor did she fool most men. Unfortunately, we are only 45% of America. The remaining 55%…hang your collective bras in shame. At the rate you are going, you will be worse off than in 1900.

Since men slapping women would be seen as domestic violence, I hope the women will start slapping some sense into each other. Have some pride. Grow some dignity. Demand to be seen as human beings, not sheep.

I will not say you are “better than that.” I am not convinced.

As for Edwards and Obama, start crying immediately. Maybe women will buy it.

Otherwise, let’s take this whole experiment of women voting and throw it in the trash. It is one thing to vote for Margaret Thatcher, Angela Merkel, Golda Meir, or Benazir Bhutto. It is quite another thing to vote for a woman whose sole claim is to be a champion for women, when her entire life has shown her contempt for them. Given her contempt for men as well (and anybody who is not her actually), perhaps that is her version of equality. She can blame and condescend to both genders.

Hillary is a disaster. She is an enabler, In the exact way she let her husband behave the way he did, her supporters are doing the same for her. An entire gender in a state has enabled her.

The men running for President (republicans) want to save civilization. Hillary wants to sit and have tea with people, which is what her entire career has been. In a post 9/11 world, that doesn’t cut it.

If women cannot understand this…or do not think it is important…then stop talking…and stop voting.

Repeal the 19th Amendment, before these clueless dumb bunnies get us all killed.

Oh, and Hillary…”Iron my shirts.”

If you know how to work an iron that is. Of course you are domestic. You are not a feminist…not even close.

If any women were offended by this column, I am offended by your voting patterns. I can send you my crocodile tears in the mail, since according to female voters, that works every time.

eric

Posted in POLITICS, WOMEN | 57 Comments »

Happy Birthday to me…Oh, and New Hampshire is dead

Tuesday, January 8th, 2008

Before getting to New Hampshire…

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY! YAY ME! LONG LIVE JANUARY 9TH!

Ok, so once a year I am entitled to a little irrational exuberance.

I am now 36. 18 is a lucky number in Jewish culture, and multiples of 18 are blessed. So I am twice lucky.

I am in New York right now, and technically I am 35 in Los Angeles for 3 more hours, but I am born and raised in New York. I celebrate New Years Eve at 9pm in LA instead of midnight. So therefore, I am 36. If I were to use the birth minute, I would actually have another 18 hours, but that is too complicated, and growing older gracefully is the order of the day. Plus, I am still stunningly smart and handsome.

I am also cut off from much of civilization, given that parts of Brooklyn near Coney Island make Afghanistan seem modern. I am twice as lucky to be separated from the madness.

As awful as events in the United States have been in the last 24 hours, what is scary is how dependent all people are on the outside world. So many things have happened, and I have missed them by a country mile.

Out of nowhere, I was instructed to go to New York on business. When in New York, I stay with my 99 year old grandmother. I love her dearly, and am thrilled that she has her faculties. She has her vision and her hearing, knows who I am, and I enjoy spending time with her, knowing that most people do not have the luck of having family for that long.

I heard that the stock market dropped over 250 points yesterday, but I did not have a chance to catch the business channel. My grandmother only gets 5 or 6 channels. She has never had cable, much less satellite. She and I were watching Wheel of Fortune for a few minutes, and then switched to some movie with Barry Bostwick. His wife was cheating on him, and then she killed him…I think. I have my grandmother’s gift for falling asleep while watching television. We had group nap time. We also both woke up around the same time, around 10pm. She went back to bed, and I stayed up to blog.

I wanted to follow the New Hampshire Primary returns, but without Fox News, CNN, or even that vast wasteland MSNBC, I had to try and find local news coverage that looked better than snow on her massive 13 inch set. After watching the equivalent of Ron Burgundy in “Anchorman,” eventually the local yokels reported some actual news.

Forget the republicans. It will all be forgotten about with minutes. The news, not that I can watch it, will now be all Hillary all the time.

I am glad I missed the coverage. Rooting against Hillary is like rooting against the New England Patriots. It is pointless. I have said from the very beginning that she would win no matter what. Ed Muskie fights back tears, he is seen as a crybaby, and his campaign implodes. Hillary does the same, and women flock to her. I mean she showed a human side…let’s reward her. After all, there is no way that a cold, calculating, scripted woman could have coldly calculated such a scripted heartwarming moment.

Are women that stupid that they will fall for such a ploy? Of course they are. Ask any woman that forgives a cheating husband. Anybody that says women are smarter than men need to have their heads removed from their hides and examined.

Women have book smarts. Men have street smarts. Unfortunately, women make up 55% of America, so a person with no personality, a tin ear, and a few placed crocodile tears can bamboozle just enough people.

Men are not fooled by Hillary. It doesn’t matter. When Hillary cried, you would think that she was Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Lucretia Mott, rather than an enabler who has done more to hurt women as she and her husband have stepped over them to get to the top. Hillary is not a crusader for all women. She is a crusader for herself. Yes, an entire gender vaccilates between stupidity and willful blindness.

As for Obama, I deliberately kept my hopes down because I somehow have myself convinced that the Clintons will not lose. They can’t. I don’t know how they do it, but every time they seem down for the count, they pull out another political miracle.

True, the democrats of New Hampshire are a bunch of dipsticks, but that does not matter. Hillary will wrap herself in the mantle of a fighter and a comeback kid, and four years from now candidates will grovel at the feet of 32 imbeciles from Dix Hills Notch. Thousands of reporters will report about it. The only thing that could make the event any more pathetic would be if the New Hampshire Primary was moved to Groundhog Day so that the reporters can choose which act of nonsense they can fawn over, Punxatawney Phil or Punxatawney Hill.

I said from the very beginning that the media wanted to create fake excitement, but when all was said and done, the favorites would win. Obama, you are a nice kid, but even Oprah can’t help you on this one. All the polls had Hillary down. It did not matter. All it did was embolden her supporters.

This was not just a chance to drive a stake through the heart of Vampiress Clinton. It was a chance to eliminate New Hampshire, or at least reduce it to no more than a place with second rate chowder. Yeah, I said it, the red Manhattan style tastes better. Hillary would have won the nomination anyway, but at least then people would have said that Iowa and New Hampshire are irrelevant. Now we will not be able to be free of her or that useless state.

Some will hold out hopes that since women flocked to Hillary, black America will flock to Obama in South Carolina. To quote New Englander Steven Tyler of Aerosmith, “Dream On.” Between Bill Clinton and John Edwards, black America already has two champions. Obama is the candidate of guilty white liberals, and they are not as powerful in South Carolina.

The reason why this is so important to me, is because with Obama it is political. I disagree with him on issues. With Hillary, it is more personal. I find her and her husband, but especially her, to simply be awful individuals. She disgusts me. Her election would be poison for this country because she would use the White House to settle scores. People are her friend or enemy. There is no middle ground. She could not govern, because too many people despise her. She would blame them, but at some point she has to acknowledge that her image as an unlikable person is not entirely undeserved.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/08/hillaryplease-god-no/

She cannot and will not ever do this. She was so close to being humbled. She was so close to acknowledging that she was wrong. Now…that is a pipe dream. She was right all along, and everybody who bet against her has learned their lesson.

Obama will be pressured to drop out at some point for the sake of unity. Edwards will rail, and nobody will listen.

As for me, I am relieved I did not watch the returns. It would have sickened me before the one day I want to be in a good mood. The last awful birthday I had was when I turned 24. Ironically, that was the last time I was in New York for my birthday. I had planned to stay for one week, and be back in LA for my birthday, but the blizzard of 1996 kept me there an extra week. All of Brooklyn was closed except for one theatre showing only the movie “Waiting to Exhale.” I now know more about middle class black women living in Phoenix than I ever needed to know.

Every birthday since then has been good. At least the weather here is balmy by wretched New York standards, so I will be able to fly home in time before my party on Saturday night.

The birthday itself tonight will be dinner with some friends in New York, so at least it will not just be me and Whitney Houston.

The licking of Hillary’s appendages by every member of the press will be unbearable for me, so I will be grateful that I will not see it. Besides, I have it on good authority from my grandmother that Wheel of Fortune will be a good episode tomorrow.

The whole point is to make the world a better place, but it means nothing if we get so caught up in the means that we forget the end. Hillary is a disaster as a politician and as a human being, but she cannot hurt my family directly. What would be a disaster is if I spent time watching politics instead of sitting with my grandmother.

After all, no matter who is in the White House, she is just happy that her grandson is visiting.

For that reason alone, turning 36 is pretty cool.

eric

Posted in POLITICS, Uncategorized, WOMEN | 19 Comments »

Mish Mosh Monday

Monday, December 24th, 2007

For some, tonight will be the eve of a religious holiday. For me it will be a night of pleasure before a day off from work. So let me declare today Mish Mosh Monday and throw many different random things at you, doing my best to sacrifice quality in the process.

First I would like to say that I am not the only warped republican Jewish fellow on the internet. I found a hysterically funny website that combines politics with weekly recaps. However, this fellow does not do NFL recaps. He does alcohol recaps, giving the recipe for a new drink each week. He calls himself “Your Jewish Master,” and he is a riot.

http://yourjewishmaster.blogspot.com/

I thank Laree for introducing me to him.

Before getting to politics, December 24th is the biggest Jewish party night of the year. December 24th used to mean that the only things open for Jews were movie theatres, bowling alleys, and Chinese food places. 20 years ago an entrepreneur created the idea for Jewish dances at ritzy nightclubs all across the country. In some cities it is called “The Matzoh Ball.” In other cities it is called “Schmoozapalooza.” Despite the awful name, these parties get hundreds of young, single Jews, and in some cities gets a few thousand.

Given that I do not like the one in Los Angeles (I know everybody, rumor has it a few bridges are burned), I have spent the last 4 years attending the one in Miami. It makes me want to cry that I will not be in Miami for the 5th straight year. As for why Miami is so amazing…

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/miami-will-smith-is-100-right/

Plan B was to go to San Diego with a friend of mine who is a Broncos fan (yeah, a republican Raider and a liberal Bronco can be friends), and watch the Denver Broncos take on the San Diego Chargers on Monday Night Football. After the game ends, we were going to go to the San Diego Jewish party. Well, the Broncos got knocked out of the playoffs, and my friend understandably decided to save his money. So San Diego went out the window. As for why I like San Diego, one reason is…

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/05/the-san-diego-sorceress/

After debating between Phoenix, Vegas, and other areas, I decided on the Bay Area. A couple weeks ago I entered the Belly of the Beast, San Francisco. In the heart of liberalism, Haight Ashbury, I attended a function that featured hundreds of Jewish republicans. I met a lovely lady at this function, and yes, she is a republican Jewish brunette. While there is a Jewish party in San Francisco, it seems I will be enjoying a fabulous party for two. I fly into the Bay Area at 7pm, plenty of time to pick her up and take her to a fantastic dinner. Forcing myself to be on Frisco soil is a small price to spend time with such a lovely lady. One day later, it is back to LA.

Before getting to the NFL breakdown, my brief focus on politics will be links to previous articles I have written. While my blog has grown exponentially, columns I wrote early on may (or may not) be worth posting again. Some will be lighthearted, others deadly serious.

http://blacktygrrrr.wordpress.com/2007/03/31/the-iraq-war-legally-morally-right-then-now/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/dick-cheney-and-the-wyoming-jewish-cabal/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/destroying-the-jewish-people-one-schoolteacher-at-a-time/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/liberals-can-run-and-they-can-hide/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/detroit-arabs-automobiles-and-awful-football/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/05/ron-paul-sean-paul-john-paul-and-rupaul-which-one-is-the-least-coherent/

Enough politics. I shall now break down the 2007 NFL playoff picture. First of all, here are my predictions from the beginning of the season.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/09/2007-nfl-predictions/

For those wanting more on the NFL playoffs, go to www.nfl.com

My breakdown is below.

In the NFC, the East winning Dallas Cowboys at 13-2 have locked up the # 1 seed and home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Before going any further, Coach Wade Phillips is a lovable country bumpkin like his father Bum Phillips. I say that in a completely endearing way. He had a fabulous quote in the LA Times about the whole Tony Romo-Jessica Simpson controversy.

“A lot of our players have girlfriends, wives, and significant others. Some of them may have both.” Three categories normally does not equal both, but at 13-2, Wade can say anything he likes. Plus, like his dad, he is so d@ng likable.

The North winning Green Bay Packers at 12-3 have locked up the # 2 seed and the other first round bye.

The West winning Seattle Seahawks at 10-5 are the # 3 seed. They will host the # 6 seed, which is undetermined at this time.

The South winning Tampa Bay Buccaneers at 9-6 are the # 4 seed. They will host the New York Giants.

Jon Gruden rested his players at halftime, and gave up a chance at the # 3 seed. This might not be so crazy given that if they win their Wildcard matchup, they would travel to Dallas and play indoors, rather than deal with the frozen tundra of Green bay.

The East Wildcard New York Giants at 10-5 are the # 5 seed. They will be at the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

The # 6 seed is up for grabs. The Washington Redskins and Minnesota Vikings at 8-7 are both alive, as are the New Orleans Saints, hanging by a thread at 7-8. If the Redskins win next week, they are in the playoffs. The Redskins have a tough game, hosting the Dallas Cowboys. However, Dallas has wrapped up the conference, and may rest everybody. If the Redskins lose, and the Minnesota Vikings go into Denver and beat the Broncos, then Minnesota reaches the playoffs. The Broncos have nothing to play for, but Mile High is tough. If Washington and Minnesota both lose, and the Saints go into Chicago and beat the Bears, all 3 teams would be 8-8, and the Saints, who started 0-4, would make the playoffs. They would be only the second 0-4 team to do so, following the 1992 Chargers. Lastly, if all 3 teams lose, the Saints at 7-9 would be out, and the Redskins would have the tie breaker over the Vikings based on beating them last night. Whoever gets in would be at Seattle.

 

In the AFC, the East winning New England Patriots at 15-0 have locked up the # 1 seed and home field advantage throughout the playoffs. While normally a team would rest everybody in this situation, the chance to reach immortality at 16-0 could lead them to play the last game. They host the NY Giants, who instead of fighting for their lives, have nothing to play for given their comeback win yesterday.

The South winning Indianapolis Colts at 13-2 have locked up the # seed and the other first round bye.

The West winning San Diego Chargers at 10-5 are currently the # 3 seed.

The North winning Pittsburgh Steelers at 10-5 are currently the # 4 seed.

Both the Steelers and Chargers have games the last week against bad teams, but they are both on the road, and the teams hate their respective guts. The Steelers are at the Ravens, and the Chargers are at the Raiders. Usually being # 3 or # 4 does not matter. Some would want to avoid the Patriots at all costs, but going into Indy is pretty daunting. Pick your poison.

The South Wildcard Jacksonville Jaguars at 11-4 are the # 5 seed. They are dangerous, and might have a better record against either team they play. They could care less whether they are at Pittsburgh or San Diego.

The # 6 seed is only between two teams. The Tennessee Titans and the Cleveland Browns are both 9-6. As strange as this sounds, even though they have the same record, the Browns game does not matter. They host the San Francisco 49ers, but their fate is entirely based on the Titans, who host the Indianapolis Colts Sunday night, the last regular season game of the year. If both teams win and go 10-6, the Titans are in. If both teams lose and go 9-7, The Browns are in. Therefore, the Titans control their own destiny, yet they have to win even if the Browns lose. While the Colts are tough, they have wrapped up their # 2 seed and may rest everybody.

The Miami Dolphins have wrapped up the # 1 pick in the draft at 1-14, and now are officially Dolphin Safe Tuna, now that Bill Parcells has taken over the job of President. He is expected to fire everybody except owner Wayne Huizenga.

The St. Louis Rams, Atlanta Falcons and New York Jets are all 3-12. The Kansas City Chiefs, San Francisco 49ers, and Oakland Raiders are all 4-11, with the Baltimore Ravens at 4-10. So for all the Oakland Raiders fans out there, the Silver and Black could have the # 2 pick in the draft, or slide down to the # 8 pick. To go 4-12 and still pick 8th…an incredible…and possible…indignity.

For those of you not celebrating a holiday tomorrow, I hope you spend every waking minute reading my blog. To quote the hilarious southern comedian Anthony Clark, “To the Jews, Happy Hanukkah, to the Christians, Merry Christmas, and to the Atheists…well…hope you win the lottery, dude.”

Do not drink and drive, for you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

I wish you all happiness, health, and wealth. Tis the season of miracles, and this will be the day where people may one day read about a miracle for generations to come. No, not the long haired fella…a different miracle by a different long haired fella…yours truly. The night a Jewish republican prince (ok, an outlaw) romanced a republican Jewish brunette princess in San Francisco.

Hopefully we can have dinner in Oakland, sneak into the Oakland Alameda County Coliseum, and get wild either in the Raiders locker room or on the swashbuckling Raiders logo on the 50 yard line.

Or we can just get through dinner and like each other enough to date again.

eric

Posted in POLITICS, SPORTS, Uncategorized, WOMEN | 2 Comments »

My non-interview with Julia Allison

Saturday, December 1st, 2007

julia-allison-with-laptop.jpg

“Have Laptop, Will Pose. With Laptop. Awkwardly. 

I agree, The Blogger-With-Laptop Photos Are Super Lame.

Really, doesn’t anyone own a desktop anymore??

Obviously I would NEVER pose in such a cheesy … oh, crap.

Actually, I hate the above photo, not just because it’s a totally obnoxious, ginormous cliche but because the shocking truth is, I don’t actually look like that when I write. For one, I use both hands. Also, I never lay on my stomach. Finally, I’m usually naked. Okay, okay – wearing granny panties. Sorry, it’s true. Ask The (Ex) Boyfriend.

Anyway, my web guy refuses to return emails or phone calls, so I can’t get the damn photo removed until I convince some nice techy to help me. HELP!!!!”

The above beauty, brains, and self deprecating nature belong to Julia Allison.

I have never met Julia Allison. She is an enigmatic pig in a mysterious blanket. Actually, she is gorgeous, but I was thinking about pigs in blankets before writing this column. Hey, it’s football season, I get distracted easily.

Anyway, back to one thing that can distract me from football and mini-hot dogs, that being the lovely Julia Allison. She is the loveliest Julia on Earth with the sexiest voice now that Julia Child (rest her soul) is no longer with us. Ok, enough thinking about food. She might be the loveliest Alison as well (If this is the best I can come up with, no wonder this interview did not occur).

I contacted her several months before I became a blogger since I saw her on tv, thought she was hot, and remembered that I like hot girls. After I became a blogger, my thoughts turned from potential romance (one directional mind you) into doing an interview with her. She was friendly, gracious, sarcastic (a major smart @ss), and very busy.

Also, given that my blog is political, which is not her area of expertise, and her career is the entertainment industry, of which I know zippity-nada, there was a disconnect.

At some point during our email exchanges, I realized that they were more entertaining than my actual interview questions, which were more routine.

For those who want to know more about Julia Allison, go to

www.juliaallison.com

She is bright and funny. Given that she seems to blog about every aspect of her life, I can only say that she is almost as shameless a self promoter as I am, although with much better hair. Yes, she has a lot to say, but I find her entertaining, which is good given that she is in the entertainment industry. Also, she has something in common with Puff Daddy, or whatever that fellow calls himself lately. They both do many things, are often on tv, have many talents, and I have no idea what they actually do.

She has a dating column. She is dating somebody, but I have no evidence the column led to the relationship. She also works at Star Magazine. I am in an office all day, and people are not exactly sure what I do, so perhaps she is just so successful that trying to explain it would not do it justice. Or perhaps, she clearly explained it on her blog, and “el dorko” aka yours truly, was too busy reading it while watching tv to figure out the obvious.

Also, some of the comments are in larger type. This is not in any way for emphasis. I just have no idea how to change the bloody fonts.

Anyway, below are my interactions with the funny, cool, girl known as Julia.

“Julia,

I watched your appearance on Hannity and Colmes.

After watching your commentary, all I can say is (redacted g-rated pleasant comment). My compliments.”

I redacted the comments for reasons that are nobody else’s business. That is why they are redacted to begin with. She replied.

“Eric – that was incredibly sweet. Thank you.”

I should have let it go at that, but then I remembered a few days later that she was hot. So I figured I would ask her out.

“Julia,

You’re welcome. I travel a lot, so when not traveling I am a homebody. Tonight when watching H & C I thought ‘what the heck…’

At the risk of having the grace and subtlety of a battering ram, I would like to get to know you better, and take you out to dinner if that works for you.”

For those who started the rumor that she and I are the people that the tv show “How I met your mother” is based on, please stop it. It is not true. Then again, to quote Jack Nicholson, “I can’t handle the truth!” The truth is below.

“Hi Eric – thank you so much for the sweet email. I’m actually living with someone, so I’m going to have to decline your very generous invitation. I hope all is well with you! julia”

“El dorko” responded to her.

“Julialah,

As much as I would like to be delusional and think by ‘living with someone’ you mean a roommate or perhaps your great Aunt Edna, I suspect you have a boyfriend. To quote the Killerz, ‘somebody told me, you had a boyfriend, who looked like a girlfriend, that I had in February of last year…it’s not confidential…I’ve got potential (no idea why I like that song).’

Anyway, I cannot imagine him having a career since if I was him, I would not want to leave the apartment, except to rush to 7-11 for snacks. I will say hello from time to time (3-4 times a year) just because I think you are hilarious…your blog cracked me up (in a good way).”

One of Julia’s worst qualities is her annoying ability to be concise and to the point. Anything she can elaborate in a sentence, I can condense into three paragraphs. She is very sharpwitted.

“3-4 times a year, eh? Are you putting me into your blackberry reminders?”

For the record, I do not own a blackberry, and am totally confused by all these networks the young people use from My tube to your face to space place book to Space Ghost Coast to Coast to the Great Space Coaster. I have no idea what I just said.

I contacted her a few months later.

“Julia,

No blackberry for me…timing was random. Happy 4th! I started blogging 3 months ago, and it has really taken off. It is more political than entertainment related. If you are ever open to doing an interview for my blog by email, that would be nice.

eric”

She was receptive.

“I wouldn’t mind doing an interview! Send me the questions whenever you get a chance.
Have a wonderful 4th!”

A couple weeks went by after I sent questions asking her about politics, entertainment, and other subjects. I tend to ask detailed questions. I also told her that a picture of her riding a horse reminded me of a Charlie Sheen movie “Hot Shots,” when he tells the female love interest, “When I saw you grab the reigns, hold on tight, and ride that animal for all it was worth…I never wanted to be a horse so much in life.” She replied.

“EG! So so so sorry. Your interview questions have been pushed into the deep hole that is my inbox, but I’m flying out to SF tonight and will answer them on the plane. How’s THAT for service!

Glad you enjoyed the horse ;)”

A few days later the questions were still not done. I contacted her again.

“Julialah,

The airlines are so slow lately. I feel terrible that you are still stranded at the airport.

eric :)”

“Ha! TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THIS!!!

Thanks for reminding me. :)”

A few more days went by, so I decided a different approach, as the host of a fictional talk show with her as the guest.

“My guest today is Julia Allison, looking spectacular at age 65. I remember when we first started corresponding 4 decades ago. Julia, Tell the audience how we know each other…it’s so funny.

‘Well eric, you were a blogger back in 2007, and you sent me these 20 questions. Things got hectic, but in 2045 I found the email and immediately contacted you. Your schedule was filled to the brim with emails about Viagra, mortgage refinancing, and Christian debt relief. You should check your email more often. It took you two years to find my email reply, but the picture of me wearing granny panties had you hotter than Greg Gutfield at a Bea Arthur keg party. You invited me on your show again, and the rest is history.’

Julia, I am prepared to name you my 3rd best friend in the 5th grade if you complete this task already.”

Her response…what can I say? The girl is funny. I suspect in real life she gets away with everything with a few eyelash bats. I was tempted to bat my eyelashes and have her obey my every command, but she had no idea what I looked like, and standing in front of the mirror practicing my eyelash bats seemed kind of metrosexual, which is so 2003.

She replied.

“HA! That’s what you get for sending me TWENTY HARD QUESTIONS!”

I then came to the conclusion that has riveted everybody since the first word.

“Personally I think the emails back and forth between us are hilarious enough to be an article in itself, but I prefer sticking to the formulaic 20 questions format.”

She then gave me the answer that I remember hearing from girls in Junior High School when I asked them why they objected to me asking them to wear a steak necklace on our dates. I do not know Julia’s position on this romantic suggestion.

“Hi Eric, I just don’t have time to answer these questions, I’m so sorry.”

I honestly was not bothered by this. She is a busy woman, and her intentions were good. I wish she had answered the questions, but as I said, the back and forth tete a tete gave me more insight into her personality than her view on whether or not we should bomb other nations in ascending order with Algeria or descending order with Zimbabwe. Foreign policy is complex.

A few days ago, as I stayed awake due to gastronomical goblins (my midnight soda sugar high had not worn off), I broached her with publishing our exchanges. Also, I noticed that she was seeking feedback from people for her dating column.

“Julia,

I was going through some old emails, because as lame as this sounds, when I need ideas for weekend columns, they give me ideas. Anyway, Here is a bizarre g-rated request. Although scheduling did not work out in terms of me officially interviewing you, some of our email exchanges were pretty d@ng funny. I was thinking of publishing them as a non-interview interaction. Lastly, I may or may not subscribe to your dating feedback thingie. All I ask is if I give feedback that is completely idiotic but well intentioned, redact my name and spare my parents any further grief.

Thanxalotsa,

eric :)”

She gave the go ahead

“Ha, go ahead.”

Ta da! I went ahead.

As I said, I am not sure exactly what she does, but whatever it is, she does it well.

I would mention that she is Jewish, but then my parents would ask questions I care not to answer. So in all fairness, Julia Allison is not the only one who chooses not to answer questions from tough sources.

She does have a reputation to keep after all. It is for this reason I refuse to place my picture online. The paparazzi will drive me crazy, and ask me questions that would be better answered just reading my blog.

Oh, wait, that would be Julia. Read the blog. She is a riot.

If this were a live interview, I would lean over just as the band is segueing to commercial and pretend to say provocative things the audience would never hear. When the transcript was mailed to fans (does anyone buy those show transcripts?), it would contain the word best used to describe Julia.

The word is…(redacted).  :)

Stay you my dear.

eric

Posted in Uncategorized, WOMEN | 9 Comments »

Hal Levine, Wizards, and Scary Liberals

Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

Gobhoblins, ghosties, and things that go bump and screech in the night. Ok, enough about Hillary. Happy Hal Levine.

http://michellemalkin.com/2007/10/31/halloweenblogging/

http://www.townhall.com/columnists/MaryKatharineHam/2007/10/31/dem_debate_the_good,_the_bad,_and_the_hillary_moments

http://michellemalkin.com/2008/10/31/happy-obamaween/

I decided not to watch the demagoguic party debate on MSNBC for the same reason I skipped the Laker game. October 31st is Halloween, and I did not want to be scared the night before to the point where Halloween itself would be anticlimactic. Before getting into my favorite Halloween stories, it turns out the democrats running for President were all cast members in the Wizard of Oz. They live in fantasyland, so this makes sense. Nevertheless, the cast was surprising.

Hillary Clinton—Shockingly enough she was not the Wicked Witch, because that would be too easy. She is the Tin Man. The Tin Man is not a bad person. He is just devoid of any human emotions and feelings. He is a robot, and cannot understand issues that human beings deal with.

Barack O’Bama—He is the Scarecrow. The Scarecrow is a nice guy who just does not contribute anything intellectually. He is not stupid, just naïve. He has a childlike innocence that leaves him unprepared to understand adult conversations in a serious world. Given that this movie happened before World War II in the same way Barack O’Bama exists pre-9/11, the naivety is understandable.

John Edwards—No, he is not Dorothy. Again, that would be too obvious. He is the Cowardly Lion. He does not want to deal with conflict. He wants to cut and run. He wants to revert to a safe tree house and play childlike games. Again, the Cowardly Lion is not a bad creature, just one that is afraid to confront the challenges that life throws out on a daily basis.

Bill Richardson—Glenda the Good Witch. This role was played by John Edwards in 2004. This character tries to keep everybody happy and peaceful. He deplores sadness within the family. Basically, from a political standpoint, he has his head up the front-runner’s anus in the hopes of being Vice President.

Dennis Kucinich—He is a munchkin. Not only is he short, but he also speaks in a tongue that most people do not understand. Alvin the Chipmunk on LSD, this cute little Kucinich critter persists.

Christopher Dodd—I believe there was a drunkard in the movie. The fellow was given no credit for his appearance, given how peripheral he was. Unlike Mr. Dodd, I do not think the drunkard in the movie tried to violate a waitress in a restaurant.

Joe Biden—He is Dorothy—He wants to click his heels together for each partition of Iraq. His heel clicking plan is illogical, unworkable, and bizarre, but hey, it is not like there is nothing at stake if it fails. Like Dorothy going home, the mess left behind will be somebody else’s problem.

Mike Gravel—I thought he was Toto, given his constant barking, but it seems like he is Dorothy’s grandfather. He is an old, gray, grumpy individual who shows up early in the movie and then disappears quickly to irrelevancy. The democrats still had a meaningless debate, but it was slightly more respectable without his being invited.

Bill Clinton—He is Toto. He is useless, but so adorable that he gets more attention than more relevant characters to the story. Toto is so precious that the oxygen just gets sucked out of the room.

The magician behind the curtain that manipulates them all is either George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, or John Ashcroft, or any other bogeyman the democrats need to create to have a reason to exist. My guess is that it is most likely Paul Wolfowitz, since the Daily Kos sees the Wizard of Oz the same way it sees everything else…as a sinister republican plot controlled by the Jews, since the people of Kansas are obviously Jews. Dorothy makes it home to the land of the Neocons, and everybody lives happily ever after. 

As scary as the democrats are, with Halloween being every time they come on television, even scarier is Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers. How people continue to admire this troll is beyond me. He scored 45 points, and the team lost. Typical Kobe. I say this because his press conference was delightful. “The team missed 18 free throws. I didn’t miss any.” Yes, everything is everybody else’s fault. The Clintons should hire him as a press spokesman immediately.

Today is the day for getting away from people who do not matter to what does matter…picking out a Halloween costume and having fun.

I have plenty of costumes, and the trick is to find costumes that are timeless. Picking something that has a shelf life of 10 minutes is a waste of money. Also, heroes are boring, and they often wear pants that are ambiguously transgendered. I prefer the villains.

Also, when romantically involved, matching costumes go over very well. Matching pirates and matching vampires are easy enough. When I dress up as the Riddler, I prefer my female companion be Catwoman. That way I can admire her tail.

Matching gangsters is fun, and women look sexy in short skirts always.

Matching costumes are a way of couples making sacrifices that would normally never occur. In 2005 I was dating a left wing environmental activist vegetarian. What can I say? She was hot. I dressed up as a tree, and she dressed up as a hippie. My sign on my tree said, “My girlfriend is a tree hugger.” To return the favor, the next night had me dressing up as a criminal, with her dressing up as a slutty police officer. The outfit came equipped with a baton, handcuffs, a ball and chain, and an incredibly tight outfit that made me realize that politics could be put aside for the sake of my hormones.

My friends and I go to “The Freak Show” in West Hollywood, which is the homosexual area of Los Angeles. They usually dress flamboyantly in that part of town, but on this day they go crazy. The police seal off the streets, and one million people walk up and down looking at the costumes. My friend from Alabama got groped last year. Hey, when you are dressed in a purple pimp outfit at a parade in a largely homosexual community, things will happen. It was his last day in Blue State America, as he hightailed it back to Alabama, a victim of culture aftershocks.

I know I will not be dressing up as Harry Potter, and since I am not looking for a gay partner any time soon, being Dumbledore is not a viable option.

Halloween 2004 remains my most bizarre situation. I dressed as an Angel, and the girl dressed as the Devil. Yes, this was total role reversal. To try and confuse people at the party, we decided to sneak out of the party and come back with the costumes reversed. We went to my place, and decided to each be ½ angels and ½ devils. We needed to change.

Now I am not a Homer Simpson type, on Halloween or in real life. I do not walk around my apartment unless I am fully clothed. Yet since the girl changed in the bedroom, I was relegated to the living room. In the 60 seconds it took me to change, my roommate came home. Thankfully my red devil collared shirt was just long enough, as I stood in my living room with no trousers on holding a devil’s pitchfork.

 

Roommate: “Dude.”

 

Me: “It’s not what it looks like.”

 

Roommate: “You’re pantsless…and you’re holding a devil’s pitchfork.”

 

Hearing her, he asked, “Have you got a girl in your room? What are you guys doing man?”

 

Me: “Nothing is going on.”

 

Like a bad episode of “Three’s Company (redundant, I know),” she came out of the bedroom, oblivious to the surroundings. Wearing only a bra and angel wings, she grabbed my pants and said, “I need your pants.” She then retreated to the bedroom.

 

Roommate: “What the hell are you two doing?”

 

Me: “Nothing…nothing is going on.”

 

Roommate: “I thought I was cooler than you.”

 

Me: “You are cooler than me. It’s not even close.”

 

From the bedroom, she asked about props that could be used to enhance the evening, all part of an innocent angel-devil theme.

 

Girl: “Eric, do you have something that burns like a flamethrower?”

 

Roommate: “Ok, what the hell is wrong with you? I don’t know what kind of sick stuff you’re into man, but this innocent dorky routine is B.S. I’ll see you later, and stay away from my bedroom.”

To this day he does not know a g-rated situation when he sees one.

As for this year, the pimp costume was Friday night, and the ½ angel ½ devil costume was Saturday night. I refer to it as a “Fallen Angel,” and the halo, appropriate for me, is totally bent.

West Hollywood will be filled with almost naked gay men, but it will also have heterosexual women dressed as French maids, cavewomen, Playboy bunnies, and other reasons I love being a guy.

Wednesday night might be me as the Riddler again. I just hope nobody confuses me with that idiot Matthew Lesko. I may be prancing around West Hollywood, but I am not a liberal. I will pretend to joust with guys dressed as Batman, and hopefully share a couple steamy moments with a complete stranger dressed as Catwoman. Women dressed up provocatively with a lack of ability to control their inhibitions…I love this holiday.

It is not all perfect. For one, I am too old to trick or treat, which I gave up at age 22. Trick or treating in Bel Air is great. I made between $50 and $100 my last year of college. As a kid I used to go back to homes November 1st to see if they had any candy left. The older kids would trick or treat for beer, and I was too naïve to understand how they kept picking the right houses.

I remember Pirate Lady looking at me and saying, “Shiver me timbers.”  I was about to reply, “Darling, I’d sure like to,” but my friends stopped me. However, she said it again…”Shiver me timber.” I replied, “Sweetness, you got that reversed. Make mine shiver.” She blushed bright crimson…I love Halloween.

My Rabbi does not like that I celebrate Halloween, but I keep explaining that it is actually a Jewish holiday, Hal Levine. So to all the non-Jews of the world, I wish you a happy Hal Levine.

My parents shake their heads in a combo of shame and disbelief, but they should not be afraid. On Halloween I spin out of control, but by November 1st I am back to my version of normal, at work. There is nothing I can do to damage society that badly.

Besides, I will not be that scary on Halloween. It is not like I am dressing up as President Hillary Clinton. Now that is frightening. Don’t cry kids. I will turn off the flashlight and turn on the lights. It was only a nightmare.

Now to be like Ted Kennedy minus the girth and criminal behavior…and do what I need to do to avoid being a complete spectacle again…find my pants.

I think these are mine…or maybe they are…who is she? Riddle me this, Riddle me that…I just don’t know.

Happy Hal Levine everybody!

eric

Posted in POLITICS, Uncategorized, WOMEN | 6 Comments »

Nicolas Sarkozy and me

Tuesday, October 30th, 2007

The Chirac Broadcasting System, desperate to boost its own failing ratings due to hostility towards many things Americans support, decided to run a sensationalist promo attacking Nicolas Sarkozy.

The buildup to the interview was a clip meant to make it look like he stormed out of an interview. Granted, this is not as bad as “fake but accurate” memos, or fake footage of cars exploding, but it is still typical leftist dishonesty.

The truth is Mr. Sarkozy was very busy, and did not want his scheduler booking that interview on that day. Then, to compound the problem, the interviewer asked stupid questions.

Nicolas Sarkozy is the Bill Parcells of politics. Parcells, the former NFL head coach of the New York Giants and other teams, was the master of taking the media bullies, and bullying them right back. He would look at a reporter and say, “Now that was a stupid question.” What gave him the right to insist he was right? Two Super Bowl rings, and a history of turning losers into winners.

Nicolas Sarkozy has a much tougher job than turning around a losing football team. He is trying to turn around a country mired in failure. France is collapsing into mediocrity. He is willing to stand up and say what few Americans on the left would dare say…that right now, America is a winner and France is a loser. Rather than hate us, he wants to emulate us. For this, he is a rock star around the world.

So what does CBS do when given a chance to interview a world leader? They ask stupid questions. What does he think about being called “Sarko the American?” That ranks right up there with asking him what tree he would be. The final straw was when he was asked about the breakup of his marriage. He insisted the matter was private. The interviewer would not let go, so Mr. Sarkozy took off his earpiece and walked out.

Good for him. If more American presidential candidates would stop being so gracious to people who don’t deserve it, our race for the White House would have more substance. Mr. Sarkozy should have been asked about his economic proposals, and Islamofacism. Those are appropriate questions.

Sometimes it is the candidate that debases things. Bill Clinton mentioned in front of stunned General Motors executives that he enjoyed having astroturf in his pickup truck, and that after he left office, he would want the same. Once he lowered the bar, it was no surprise that some MTV airhead asked him if he wore boxers or briefs. When somebody else asked the same question of Newt Gingrich, Gingrich was criticized for pillorying the girl. He told her it was a stupid question. How dare Gingrich be a meanie! How dare he upbraid a woman for being undignified!

Most of the media does not get it. Americans crave substance. We can handle it. We worry about Islamofacism, the falling dollar, and even lesser known stories that matter, such as a shortage of bees, which could send food prices skyrocketing.

Yet when given a chance to interview one of the most revolutionary world leaders in some time, they fail to understand that the rest of the world does not follow American protocol of media debasement. Bill and Hillary Clinton had their marriage under a microscope, and then the media felt so guilty that they left them alone on issues that should have been under that very same lens.

I am thinking about this more than usual because I am struggling to suppress the occasional urges to write about things that make certain powerful people uncomfortable.

When I started my blog, it was a hobby, and I had complete freedom. Now in a short time it has grown beyond my wildest expectations, and I may have to make some compromises to make it palatable for those that have the power to really benefit me.

A dear friend of mine took me aside last night and said, “Eric, 95% of the people I talk to love you, and love your stuff. I am your biggest fan. Yet some of the powers that be are simply uncomfortable with some of what you write, primarily the sexual stuff. On the one hand you write brilliantly political, but you also want to be funny in a risque way. Dennis Miller can pull it off, but it is not easy to do.”

Now these people have no power to censor my blog, but if I want to get “respected” people to boost me, I have to be “respectable.” It is the same argument that forced me to go from being a long haired rocker a decade ago to a corporate altar boy. I had to “look” the part.

My friend continued. “It is one thing if your focus was purely pop culture, but you focus on political stuff, and some people simply won’t be ok with it.”

I asked him for advice, and his suggestion was to have two blogs, one for the political, and the other for the nonsense, including any sexual stuff.

Our conversation took place after a lecture we were both attending, and it was one of the most intelligent, cerebral lectures I ever remember being at. The fellow’s name is Richard Baehr, and his website is the “American Thinker.” He prefers the Charles Krauthammer method of quiet cerebral analysis. Mr. Baehr does not offer fire and brimstone, but he does speak on the upcoming elections, health care (his field), and foreign policy with a demeanor that conveys “gravitas.”

www.americanthinker.com

When listening to him, I began to notice that being liked and being respected are two different things. Bill Clinton was treated as your brother that you laughed with and at him because he projected that image himself. He had enemies, but they only reinforced a perception he created.

Most perceptions are based on our own actions. I know that many people find me entertaining, but would they feel comfortable having me lead a political army into battle? I am not sure. I might be a liability.

Yes, I write about General Petraues. Yes, I can crystallize serious matters of life and death proportions in a cogent way. Yet sometimes I want to analyze whether or not C3PO is a homosexual, the haiku brilliance of Fraggle Rock, and of course, wild sex with hot republican Jewish brunettes.

My grandmother would not approve of that last part, and neither will certain “elders.”

After the lecture is when I had the conversation with my friend, and he brought the lecturer into the conversation. The lecturer also suggested two separate blogs.

Here is the problem with that. Let’s say I rise in the ranks, and powerful people decide to make me their top blogger. Everything is fine, and then one day some leftist hate site, in an attempt to destroy a conservative candidate by association, “uncovers” my other “secret” blog where I write about my abnormal fascinations with Bea Arthur and Monique from “Showtime at the Apollo.” I will have disgraced and scandalized somebody I am trying to help. I would rather just be upfront about it. I am a conservative republican with a liberal sexual appetite. I am single, and like getting laid. So what is the problem?

The problem is it is beneath the “dignity” of serious people. If one is not seen as “serious,” or “respected,” one does not break through to the next level.

The solution is I am going to be myself. Even if I tried to tone it down, I am undisciplined. More importantly, I like being undisciplined outside of my real job. Me being caught with a woman in a scandalizing manner should not be a scandal because I have shouted from the rooftops that, flawed and all, me likey!  

The needle that will be thread will be this. I can be sophomoric when writing about my own life, but I have never…and will never…be sophomoric when doing an interview.

My friend told the lecturer, “He did not go to professional journalism school, so he has not been tainted by the infectious diseas eof the typical media.”

So I am raw, undisciplined, unpolished, and very talented. However, in the same way I got a haircut a decade ago, and put on a suit and tie to look the part, I will always be professional in my interviews. That way when somebody powerful expresses discomfort with some of the things I say, the rebuttal can be, “look at how he interviews. You will be treated with respect.”

That is the best I can do, because I think that is the best I want to do. Yes, I want to be taken seriously, but I also want to find a hot republican Jewish woman and bite her underwear off with my teeth. That should not make me any less qualified to analyze the Global War on Islamofacism. Some may disagree, and I guess they will not change their opinions.

I have done well in life doing things on my terms, and some convey that as an “f.u. attitude.” It is not. It is just knowing who I am.

I do know this much. There are plenty of people who are “respected,” and I think they are pretentious, and full of their own garbaggio. Many of them work in the mainstream media, and while they may not get caught in sex scandals of their own, they take delight in delving into the private lives of others, humanity be d@mned.

Mr. Sarkozy, I would be delighted to interview you. If you can tolerate that my sex life is out of control by choice, I promise to never talk to you about it or ask you about yours. I could care less about whether you rip off your wife’s undies. I care about you finding terrorists, pulling down their underwear, and shoving the flags of freedom and democracy up their hides until they surrender.

eric

     

  

Posted in POLITICS, SPORTS, WOMEN | 7 Comments »

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