THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

I wish I was a liberal. Yes, I said it. I am a conservative republican, and I wish I was  a liberal. That way I can get entangled in as many sex scandals as possible with no consequences.

First of all I want to make something crystal clear. There is nothing funny about sex with under age citizens, or even pursuing it. Mel Reynolds is in jail, and Mark Foley resigned in disgrace, as he should have.

Secondly, I do not condone adultery. As Ted Koppel stated, “The 10 commandments are not the 10 suggestions.”

Having said that, it is unfair that republicans have to be held to higher sexual standards. If I was a liberal, I could just be expected to have no moral boundaries, and be free to run wild like a drugged out hippie (redundant, I know).

As a single male, there is nothing wrong about wanting to sleep with every hot republican Jewish brunette that conflicts with my also wanting lower taxes and dead terrorists.

The following is a conversation that I never had, because I value money and want to avoid getting slugged.

“Ms. Finch, you did an excellent job on this report. Well done.”

“Thank you Eric. Is there anything else?”

“Yes, Ms. Finch. I really want to paddle your hide. I know it is a sensitive area in more ways than one, but I want to play table tennis with your backside until you are red raw. Oh, and after that, I need to see paperwork on the new account we are seeing next week.”

I am not implying that to do the above behavior is appropriate, but to think about it should be fine. Republicans are so conditioned to be straitlaced that we are pegged as boring. Family values are for families, but why should single people be straitjacketed?

Also, for those claiming the above scenario is sexual harassment, how do you know Ms. Finch is the subordinate? Isn’t thinking that sexism? She could be the boss.

I thought about this when Spree at Wake Up America interviewed Melanie Morgan.

http://wwwwakeupamericans-spree.blogspot.com/2007/09/exclusive-interview-with-melanie-morgan.html

She did an excellent job with the interview, but I never could have done that interview. Melanie Morgan is smart, republican, and hot. She would think I was an imbecile within 5 minutes, especially if my first question was a marriage proposal.

After seeing her picture, I was determined to have a Morgan before bed. I could not convince Melanie Morgan, so I decided to settle for Captain Morgan. I figured if I finished the entire bottle, I would not be able to tell the difference. Actually, I don’t drink, but I need an excuse for my behavior pattern.
I know a gorgeous republican Jewish brunette who has experimented with some mild “girl on girl” action. I can talk to her about Nicholas Sarkozy and Angela Merkel, but why should that stop me from admiring her physically and wanting to be reincarnated as a pillow that she hits her friend with? When did lust become only acceptable with liberals?

Senators are soliciting prostitutes. So what? Whether it is gay or straight, they are guys trying to get laid. Again, forget they are married. If they are single, how is that different from a surf and turf date? Does any woman in her right mind really think that a guy takes her out to steak and lobster so we can hold hands? We have an agenda, and that involves using our teeth to claw through your underclothing. This does not mean we would do so without permission, but within the laws of decent society, we have every right to make an attempt.

For the Milli-Vanillionth time, one can respect women and want to sleep with them. One can respect a woman’s mind while wanting to devour her body. Men are hunters, women are the hunted, and we have every right to adhere to the laws of nature and biology.

There is nothing in the republican party platform that says that men have to be repressed until we go crazy.

Bill Clinton lied under oath. That was my objection with him. He should have just gone on television and said, “I can’t help it. It ain’t nothing but the dawg in me. I bounced her like a volleyball, and I might do it again.”

So where is the line? Well Juanita Broderick, if believed, was a rape victim. That is totally not acceptable anywhere, ever. Letting them die in a river like Ted Kennedy did is certainly unethical. Yet fear of approaching a woman out of desire? Are we that puritanical?

We are all flawed. We all make mistakes. Yet republicans are seen as pious, and therefore, hypocritical.

Some say the war on drugs is lost, and others argue the same for the War on Terror. They are wrong. However, let’s declare the war on sex lost. We can kill drug lords and terrorists. Sex cannot be killed. It is too powerful. It will always be there.

Rather than trying to humiliate every politician that tries to play paint belly with a hot woman, why not simply accept this as normal? If the guy is married, it will be his fault when his wife gets the shotgun and exacts Texas Justice. Actions have consequences.

Larry Craig is being forced to resign. Why? For being gay? Isn’t that gay bashing? Jim McGreevey and John Corzine put their lovers on the payroll. Yet only McGreevey resigned. Wasn’t Corzine’s sexual crime just as bad, even though it was heterosexual?  David Vitter is not being pressured to resign. Is it because his prostitution was heterosexual?
Why is a 535 member club filled with drunk drivers, tax cheats, and other reprobates so puritanical when the issue is sexual?

Rape is wrong. Sexual harassment is wrong. Prostitution is legal in some parts of America. Doesn’t it seem strange that Senator Craig was arrested in Minnesota for a crime that would not have been a crime in certain parts of Nevada? Perhaps if Harry Reid let loose, he would actually smile. That dour look on his face is probably due to his frustration at attacking every republican less repressed than he is.

I will never preach family values, and when I get married, I will still live by them. Until then, I want my taxes cut so I can have more money to spend on women who will dance provocatively in my condo like Tawny Kitaen in Whitesnake’s “Here I go again.”

Should my being a conservative republican mean that when I was in college, I should not have found Barbara Boxer a hot piece of (redacted) just because she was a liberal? Flaming fiery liberals are kinda sexy. It doesn’t mean they are right about taxes or Iraq.

We should stop focusing on sex scandals, because sex itself is not a scandal. It is a privilege. Either members of the republican party defend their right to go buck wild, or we will all end up either repressed or worse…liberals.

eric

When a politician is caught engaging in bad behavior, they must resign…provided they are republican, male, or both.

The latest republican under fire is Larry Craig. Discussing the scandal is pointless. By the time Michelle Malkin is done skewering him, he will be shish kabob.

http://www.michellemalkin.com/2007/08/28/the-larry-craig-mess/

Of course, the demands of immediate resignation are coming forward. While I want to make it clear that I am not defending these actions, or a Senator I know very little about, there is one aspect of this that makes me boil over.

Why is it only republicans and men that have to resign?

Republican Richard Nixon faced impeachment for covering up a crime that his subordinates committed. He did the honorable thing, which was to spare the country an ordeal. I am not saying he was an honorable man while he was in the White House, but he exited with class.

Democrat Bill Clinton promised to hang onto the job tooth and nail with every last breath. The fact that government was paralyzed, as Nixon had predicted, was irrelevant to the First Fornicator in Chief. It was all about him. He would never consider resigning.

Republican Newt Gingrich was asked to resign the day he became speaker. Yet somehow, after the 1998 election, Bill Clinton got impeached, yet Newt Gingrich lost his job. Some will say it was hypocritical of him to be having an affair while criticizing Clinton, but that is actually false. He kept his mouth shut, and did not go near the subject. Also, Gingrich committed an indecent and immoral act. He committed adultery. Bill Clinton committed an illegal act. Perjury, even lying about sex under oath, is a crime.

Bill Clinton, a convicted felon (look it up, he actually plead guilty to a felony, was fined, and lost his law license), stayed on the job. Yet not only did Gingrich resign, but so did Republican Bob Livingston. Bob Livingston in a sense got his just desserts because he tried to force out Gingrich. Yet Bob Livingston did not commit any crimes, nor was he accused of anything illegal. He was blackmailed by Larry Flynt into resigning, and yet somehow that is legal.

Republican Tom Delay was indicted for violating the rule of “thou shalt not be a conservative, and be effective at it.” Is it any wonder that nobody on the left wanted republican Denny Hastert to resign? He was a “nice guy,” meaning that he rolled over in an attempt to be fair.

In fact, one example of such rolling over is his kid glove treatment of democrat William “Weezie” Jefferson (not to be confused with the other William Jefferson that committed crimes). The FBI raided Mr. Jefferson’s home, found cash in his freezer, and Denny Hastert joined with democrats in condemning the FBI for refusing to place members of congress above the law.

Of course Mr. Jefferson is proclaiming his innocence in the face of laughably sufficient evidence. He will not resign. Liberals don’t do that. Atfer all, his constituents in New Orleans are worried that without him, life might get bad there.

Of course, it is not about sex. Sex is a beautiful act, and a rather enjoyable one…when it is between two consenting adults.

Republican Mark Foley tried to solicit sex from underage pages. They were male, but had they been female, it would have been just as disgusting. He immediately resigned. Yet democrat Mel Reynolds, accused of virtually the same thing, had everybody from the Congressional Black Caucus to the San Francisco wingnuts defending him up to the very end. Only when he was told that there was enough evidence to send him to jail did he finally throw in the towel. No, it is not racism to want a black man who solicits sex from underage girls to resign. The young girl was black, and protecting her is a bigger civil right.

Republican Bob Packwood had a lengthy career of sexually harassing women. He resigned. So do democrats Ted Kennedy and Christopher Dodd, with Teddy leading to one of the women dying. They remain in congress, and take turns running for President.

Republican David Vitter of Louisiana confesses to soliciting prostitutes, and pressure builds on him to immediately resign, despite his wife standing by him. Democrat Chuck Robb, Former Senator from Virginia, had nude massages from Miss Virginia. He was married, and refused to resign.

Republican Alberto Gonzales handles a press conference about legal firings of subordinates in an inept manner, and his resignation is demanded. Democrat Gary Condit stonewalls an investigation of an intern’s death to cover up an affair, and he hangs on until the bitter end when polling data tell him his constituents disapprove of such behavior.

Republican political consultant Ed Rollins makes some incredibly stupid and insensitive remarks about suppressing the black vote (which were untrue), and he disappears for the most part from television. Democratic political consultant Bob Beckel gets caught soliciting prostitutes, disappears for a few weeks, and is back on television screaming at what horrible and immoral people republicans are.

This is not just a political double standard. It is a sexual one, or more specifically, a sexist one. Democrats are considered the mommy party and republicans are the daddy party. To be more blount, democrats are women and republicans are men. They may need each other, but they have different values.

Democrats and women are obsessed with warm fuzzy things like animals, trees, and playing nice. Republicans and men are interested in finding the bad guys and blowing them to kingdom come. We don’t just want it. We enjoy it.

When two men argue, they can throw punches, and an hour later, share drinks and laugh about the entire incident while holding icepacks to their faces. When two women argue, it can go for generations. My old gym teacher in junior high school told me, “Never try to break up a fight between two girls. You’ll get your eyes scratched out.” That sounds like watching democrats to me.

Republicans are men. We allow dissent and disagreement. Democrats are women. Anybody deviating from orthodoxy gets gossiped about, trashed, and discarded, whether it be Joe Lieberman, or very liberal Brian Baird.

Republicans lose to democrats for the same reason men lose to women. Men do not have the stomach for arguments. At some point a man looks at a woman and thinks, “I will say or do anything you want, just let me watch the d@mn ball game in peace.” Even when waving the white flag, women will take that as a sign of aggression. Only women could see refusing to fight as being argumentative, in the form of ignoring them.

Yes, there are men who are democrats and women who vote republicans, but an analogy does not have to be perfect to be a reasonable parallel. Republicans simply do not have the stomach to fight the democrats. Democrats will fight to the bitter end.

The reasons for this are simple. Liberals believe conservatives are evil, and that good cannot just defeat evil. It has to destroy it. Therefore, any democrat resigning is giving in to the forces of republican evil. Any republican resigning is a victory for goodness.

The bottom line is there is a lack of honor among many individual people, and for those who never wish to confront their own moral failings, the democratic party is a safe haven for them. Both sides screw up, sometimes colossally, but republicans condemn those who screw up. Democrats blame republicans for the mistakes that both sides make.

When I think of truly honorable men, one name that comes to me is former republican Senator Mark Hatfield. Several years back, republican Bob Dole and democrat Robert Byrd were locked in a titanic struggle over the balanced budget amendment. Regardless of what may think of those men, they were both acting out of sincere principles. Dole felt it was necessary to slow spending, and Byrd felt it violated the Constitution.

Dole needed 67 votes. The day before the vote, the vote in favor of the bill was 66-34. One republican, Mark Hatfield, citing his principles, was against the bill. He met privately with Dole, offering to resign from the Senate, allowing a 66-33 vote and a passed bill. His honorable action was met with equal honor from Dole, who refused the resignation. The bill failed.

That should be held in deep contrast with how democrats treated Joe Lieberman for supporting the Iraq War, a principled stand.

Another honorable man who was unfairly asked to resign the day he was appointed was former republican Attorney General John Ashcroft. As an evangelical, people were worried he would want a Christian theocracy. When asked what he would do if his religious faith conflicted with his ability to uphold and enforce American law, he responded, “I would resign.”

This is what honorable men do.

The reasons why republicans have it tougher is because we are the party of family values. When we screw up, we are hypocrites, often rightfully so. However, does this mean democrats have an advantage because they are valueless, with no moral compass? How else does one explain that people shrug at their bad behavior? Is so little expected of them? Is it worth being held in such low esteem for a perceived political advantage?

I would rather fall short and let people down, like some republicans do, then lower the bar to the ground to baby crawl over it, like the democratic babies do.

Bad behavior should not be swept under the carpet. Corruption should be rooted out. However, the law should apply to everybody equally. When an entire political party arbitrarily decides that only one side should unilaterally be armed (the only time liberals favor unilateral anything), the other side should not roll over and play dead.

Whether it be crooked land deals (democrat and Majority Loser Harry Reid) or disgraceful visits to Damascus (Nancy Pelosi), they could be at negative 5% in the polls, and still cling to the jobs. Yet any republican short of winning 49 states like Reagan has no mandate.

So to all the Schroeders, Feinsteins, Boxers and Hillarys of the world inside the democratic party, get off our male republican backs. We are busy trying to get things done, and are tired of our carping. We will deal with our own in the appropriate way, but until you do the same, you are nothing but a bunch of hypocritical nags.

I am a republican male, and I will not surrender. When I am wrong I will admit it, but I would rather not let the woman win the argument jsut to shut her up. It is sexist. If I am right, I need to stick to my guns, regardless of her wrath…unless the ball game is on and peace and quiet trumps justice.

As for liberals, scorched Earth is the only solution. Not only does it temporarily defeat them, but anything damaging the Earth makes them more insane, which is an added bonus.

When they are on their intern pleasing knees, metaphorically bleeding from the face, I would be happy to negotiate their surrender and resignation.

eric

On June 27th, I posted the column “Help me Rabbi! I am desiring (Mary Katharine) Ham”

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/06/help-me-rabbi-i-am-desiring-mary-katharine-ham/

I asked the world to vote for her to have dinner with me. Well the votes have been tabulated. 80% of the people who were not confused by the question feel that she should go out with me. The remaining 20% are bad people. Now before anybody asks what my sample size was, statistics is a complicated business. Here are some of the responses.

“What the heck, give him a chance Miss Ham!”

“So, Mia… it has been proven that Eric has good taste and a sense of humor. That’s good for a start, don’t you agree? Why not give it a shot. ” (the reader confused Mary Katharine Ham with soccer star Mia Hamm, but a yes vote is a yes vote)

“Anyway, I’m in with the rest of the gang…”Go for it!” You’ll never know.”

“Eric….honey….you sacrifice a certain liberal NY senator running for Pres for me…and I will divorce my husband, convert, and have surgery to LOOK like MCH for you!” (MCH is close enough to MKH…that is either an undervote or an overvote, but a yes either way)

“An open letter to MKH:Dear Mary Katharine, I have known BLACKTYGRRRR for two whole weeks. In blog years, that is … like, a long time. So I feel secure in advancing his agenda of meeting you. Please go out with him at your earliest convenience.BTW, do you have a sister?”

“Sometimes you read and go, ‘Now why can’t I write like that? I’d make millions. And get to date Mary Katherine Ham.'”

“LMAO! May your heart achieve its desire for some pork”

Others were less enthusaistic.

“Sorry old boy. Eating pork is out of the question. Breathe deep, take a cold shower.”

“Sorry. I don’t think you should go out with her because I think I lover her too.”

Others insisted I pursue Amanda Carpenter instead. They are both stunning, and any further elaboration could destroy my chances with either of them. Also, Julia Allison, Julie Banderas, Rachel Marsden, Michelle Malkin, Marlise Kast, and the others have nothing to do with this column, so stop mentioning them!

Here are some comments regarded as neutral.

” saw that o’Reilly Factor, unfortunately, I never looked at the screen, so I have no idea what she looks like.”

“Yeah…she’s a little hottie, that’s for sure! However, better tell the Rabbi she’s probably Catholic; heck, with a name like Mary Katherine Ham, I hear the hallowed halls of Norte Dame University whispering…’Sister Mary Katherine, Sister Mary Katherine…'”

Saying she is not Jewish because she has a Catholic sounding name is the religious equivalent of racial profiling. If I was a liberal, I would get indignant and say “How dare anyone profile somebody in a way that does not benefit me! The outrage!”

“Honey,Please get out a little more. Your devotion to Ms. Ham is touching and your honesty refreshing, but perhaps a little much prior to being introduced (much less prior to the first date). A girl could go one of two ways after reading such a graphic paean to her charms: (a) be scared and get a restraining order; or (b) think it’s hilarious and ballsy and want to meet the admirer.Really entertaining post, though!”

I would get out more if she would say yes. Also, depending on whether (a) or (b) applies, this vote cannot be counted either way.

“Maybe you should call your Rabbi. I seem to recall several stories and parables that would apply here. Beware of Jezebels and Delilas!”

Fine, I am a potential sinner. I am one giant, long peccadillo.

Anyway, I did send a mass email to military bloggers, and those ballots are still overseas. So until the military ballots are counted, my total is 80%, not 90%.

Also, while I did not impregnate any Chads during this campaign, their was a Chadrina. I checked the Adams apple, and am more than 51% sure she was a Chadrina. The matter was taken care of in ways not fit for this column to elaborate on.

Folks, as I said, this is a nonbinding resolution. Like congressional liberals, it is useless. However, the votes have been tabulated, and not even 1000 liberal lawyers can screw this up. This was not a butterfly ballot, because apparently the word butterfly has sexual connotations, and this was a g-rated request for a date.

I have not received any email from Ms. Ham declaring me an imbecile. Come on guys, you know that look, where a woman looks into your eyes, and thinks you are a moron. Fine, just me. Anyway, an absence of bad news is not good news. Since she has not gotten back to me with a yes answer, I have to take drastic measures.

I am off to engage in hydratic lamentations, aka sob uncontrollably. To give you an example what that looks like on the internet…”ssssoooooobbbbbbbbbbbbbb.”

Do not cry for me Argentina or Mary Katharine Ham, I will keep my promise…and keep my distance. I was going to serenade her to that song, but that could cause my favorability rating to drop lower than Nancy Pelosi on a cold day in Minnesota.

I do not know how I will ever cope, but somehow I will move on. I will cry the entire July 5th, and then by July 6th go back to being an alpha male.

Actually, my family was born in Eastern Europe, and it is already July 6th there.

Hey, does anyone have Shannon Doherty’s phone number?

eric

The Jewish community is dying. 6000 years of tradition are slowly being reduced to rubble. Somebody has got to step up and be a reluctant hero in the traditions of Abraham, Moses, and Jewish CPAs everywhere helping us battle the antisemitic tax collector. If not me, then who? If not now, then when? Allow me to show up, a white knight in shining armor (ok, an outlaw in a Raiders jacket).

Jews are not bringing more Jews into the world fast enough. The reasons why many Palestinians can raise a couple suicide bombers is because they still have 10 children left. Jews need live bodies, and we need them fast. I can no longer sit on the sidelines and watch us fail to grow. I need to do something.

Therefore, I am prepared to impregnate the next Jewish girl I meet from an upper middle class family (Hey, raising kids is expensive). This must be done in July or August, because I will not have time once football season starts in September. Otherwise, this master plan will have to be delayed until May, to avoid the child being born during the NFL playoffs.

My credentials are simple. I am Jewish, I have a good job, and I have a pulse. I cook my own dinner (ok, I order it in), I do my own laundry (don’t like girls touching me unmentionables), and I am willing to switch from tighty whiteys to boxers to ensure that my healthy fellas can swim with the best of them.

I come from a good family (who right now is hanging their heads in shame), and I am prepared to try as many times as necessary to get it right. I come equipped with Marvin Gaye and Barry White records, and am willing to guarantee that the child will be healthy if your daughter and the doctors handle their end of things.

Now I know there will be some concern about what will happen if I impregnate two women simultaneously. I have thought about this. I never had a brother, so this guarantees the children will not grow up lonely, lacking a sibling.

Some of you may be concerned that this solution is similar to that proposed by Russian lunatic Vladimir Zhirinovsky. He wanted to repopulate Russia in his image. The difference is that he is an old man, and said he may need his lieutenants to help him. I am prepared to do all the heavy lifting myself.

For those of you fathers worried I will leave your daughter pregnant and unwed, fear not. My parents are members of the National Rifle Association, and they are fine with a shotgun wedding if necessary.

I tried waiting for the Jewish community to get its act together, and I can wait no longer. I am trying to save our lives here. Europe is already on its way to becoming a caliphate because they are not reproducing. Do we really want to emulate Europe with regards to anything at all?

Sir, if your daughter is politically liberal, then you should be overjoyed. You and your wife were hippy protesters at Woodstock, and you encouraged the free love society today. I am trying to honor your upbringing.

Sir, if your daughter is politically conservative, it was your repressive family values upbringing that forced her to rebel, so you caused this problem.

If Christians are willing to convert, I would be happy to accept their applications. We need all the crossovers we can get. Barely legal Catholic school girls dealing with repression issues are encouraged to apply.

I do not smoke, drink, or do drugs, but if your daughter wants to take morphine during the delivery I will consult Nancy Reagan to see what guidelines the “Just say no” campaign applies to this situation. If the Gipper’s wife is ok with it, I am as well.

My lawyer will be accepting blood and urine samples from Jewish women of childbearing years. The consent forms must be filled out in triplicate, with me retaining the white copy and my lawyer retaining the yellow and pink copies (You get your own copies).

My home has two bathrooms, so we never have to know what goes on behind closed doors. You can clean yours regularly if you want.

It is not easy being a Jewish hero, but I am up to the challenge. For the good of my community, I am prepared to bring life into this world. For the sake of all that is decent in society, I hope the child has my last name and your daughter’s everything else.

Sir, I cannot wait to give you the good news that I impregnated your daughter. If you are pleased with the results and have other daughters, I can see if my friends are available. I can only marry one of them, otherwise it is bigamy. Actually, it would be big of me.

Do not worry about the stigma sir. My late grandfather (rest his soul) was an Orthodox Rabbi. He told me that if the child is born 7 1/2 months after the wedding, nobody would notice. 6 weeks early is perfectly respectable. If the child is born 5 months after the wedding, he suggested we just call “Ripley’s Believe it or Not,” and immediately declare it a miracle baby. To be on the safe side, 6 weeks from impregnation to wedding works best.

Oh, and if she has a fabulous backside and an equally fabulous front side (which you should not be staring at, unless you are a pedophile trying to give your daughter an electra complex…let me judge her sides myself), I promise to love them like they were my very own appendages.

There is no need to thank me sir. I am delighted to do it. The Torah wants us to be fruitful and multiply. The Torah also mentions water on several occasions. So tell your daughter that the jacuzzi water in my condo is perfect, and biblical law commands this.

This one time offer is open to all Jewish brunettes of childbearing age between 4 ft 10 and 5 ft 7, and Shannon Doherty.

Ok, I need a midday nap. Heroism requires strength, so I am off to conserve mine.

eric

Well folks, it was bound to happen. I engaged in behavior that Zell Miller would describe as a “deficit of decency.” I crossed the line. Time to make things right.

John Edwards has a supporter named Jane Fleming that is frequently a guest on Fox News. She runs a group called Young Democrats for America, or something to that effect. While I disagree with her views, and am not an Edwards supporter, her undeniable physical beauty caught my attention. Perhaps I could have expressed myself in a more tactful manner. I do not remember the exact words, but I think I mentioned something about having her on top of a pool table until we were both scuffed.

It was pointed out to me today that Jane Fleming just got married. I was not aware of this at the time. Had I known, I would have either not mentioned her, or toned it down ever so slightly. A man does not sexualize another man’s woman. The code of honor among men renders married women off limits. The fact that, as Ted Koppel points out, that the ten commandments are not the ten suggestions also plays a vital role.

Some may say that if she was single, my comments would still be inappropriate. Nonsense. Feminism did not get invented so that women could be reduced to delicate, fragile little flowers. It was not meant to destroy the laws of nature, or for those of you believers, God. Boys like girls (Yes, there are gay people in society, but the overwhelming majority of people, for better or worse, are heterosexual). Boys want to sleep with girls. Provided that they are not married and are over the legal age of consent, this is natural, biological and highly appropriate.

People will try to limit me, so I will never in life limit myself. If I want to sleep with someone, I will simply tell them, and let the chips fall where they may, or the fists fly where they may if I am not careful about how I phrase it. The key is to be closer on the tact scale to Marvin Gaye (Sexual Healing, Let’s Get it On) than 2 Live Crew (Me so horny, Pop that coochie), even though both types of songs have the same message.

I did not know Jane Fleming was married. I do not regret objectifying her sexually for any other reason than that.

This is not a namby pamby non-apology “statement of regret” that Bill Clinton made famous. This was not an “if I offended anyone” copout. I expressed lustful sentiments in an X-rated manner towards a married woman. I have to do a better job of researching these things.

I will survive. I have an MTV style attention span (although sadly enough the 80s rock bands I like are now on VH 1, a humbling life development). By tomorrow I am sure I will be able to find several hot women that are single, and therefore fair game for X-rated commentary.

Ms. Fleming, I regret not being able to act out with you the things I vividly described. However, I regret more that you were not single when these sentiments were expressed. Your fella is a lucky man. I still disagree with you on virtually every political issue.

I wonder if she has a republican Jewish twin sister with incredibly loose morals. Perhaps it is too soon to think such thoughts. Actually, if they are triplets and trapeze specialists…

Wait a second, the whole point of this was to apologize. Can an apology be sincere without an improvement in behavior? Well what actually defines an apology? Maybe I was too harsh on Bill Clinton. I mean this lust stuff is kind of powerful.

Ok, back to surfing republicanjewishcybersluts.com (no, it’s not a real site, although if anyone creates it tomorrow, I better get royalties). I am such a disgrace to the republican party sometimes. The family values crowd and social conservatives are not pleased. As I have said before, it is my God given right to be unprincipled up to a certain point.

Ms. Fleming, every word I said about biting through your trousers was said with the idea that you were single. It will not be discussed from this day forward.

Lust has gone bust, so consider this my attraction retraction, from a conservative who desired a liberal taste of Jane Fleming up until…but not after…her last name changed.

Ok, off to engage in self congratulatory behavior for having the ability to admit I was wrong. Perhaps I can cry on cue for the television cameras. Bill Clinton’s lower lip quiver and gentle tear from the eye would be helpful.

What was my point again…oh yeah…girls…yummy…bouncy…delicious…tasty…but only if they are single and available…oh, and brunette would be helpful.

To all the hot married women on Earth…sorry! Didn’t mean it!

Ok, my Orinoco is flowing…or perhaps just my sincerity.

Oh, and liberals, do not blame all conservatives for these thoughts. They are as embarrassed that I would use such inappropriate language as they are that I would be attracted to a liberal, married or otherwise.

I blame Clinton…Not Bill Clinton…George Clinton…it’s just the dog in me. Come to think of it, that covers Bill as well.

Ok, Western Civilization survived my deficit of decency. As for getting over Jane, I will survive like Gloria Gaynor.

Wow, that was quick. Off to watch sports highlights and eat junk food.

eric

Somewhere out there, a 14 year old boy is about to make a tragic mistake that is going to detract from society. He is going to become an activist.

He is going to start spouting nonsensical gibberish about things that most people could…and more importantly should…care less about.  He will worry about Darfur, even though he goes to public school, and therefore does not know the Sudan from South Dakota. He will worry about the ozone layer and chloroflorocarbons, even though he cannot spell the word environmentalist in the school spelling bee. He will start breaking into clothing stores and spraying fur coats because he is convinced that bunny rabbits are an endangered species.

It is not that he is passionate. It is that he will be passionate and uninformed. So what will cause this 14 year old boy to abandon normal obsessions such as video games, sports and learning about cars? Well, the last acceptable form of idiocy left on the planet…junior high school girls.

Now before some flaming feminist (redundant, I know) blathers on about why it is wrong to objectify women, a little honesty goes a long way. Women have used sexual power to reduce men to imbecilic automatons since Eve brought down Adam. It works. Physical beauty is a narcotic. If a boy thinks he will get between a girl’s legs, he will put up with anything. This means nodding one’s head up and down in the affirmative and pretending to care about things just because the girl does. Yes, girls do pretend to know and like sports at that age, but the difference is that sports is about activity, not activism. Quoting sports statistics does not put companies out of business or lead to protest marches about things that even the marchers do not understand.

Marketing matters, and sex is the most powerful form of marketing. So who cares if 14 year old boys become googly eyed idiots? I do. These boys will become young adults, and worse…they will become liberals. At this point it will be too late.

I am a conservative republican. I believe in the message of the conservative movement, and I believe the republican party is the best way to spread that message. Yet more young people today want to be democrats, and liberal ones at that. This is easy to understand. No matter how positive and right a message is, if it is not marketed well, no one hears it. On the flip side, society is littered with people who may not contribute much in terms of value, but market themselves brilliantly. Dennis Rodman, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jerry Springer are examples of this.

The bottom line is that conservatism is seen as stuffy and stodgy, and liberalism is seen as hip and cool. The reason this is the case is because liberals are not bound by any constraints. Laws and rules do not apply. So they do what any successful marketing organization does…they sell sex, and very effectively. Anyone who does not see this should turn on the tv and watch Jane Fleming.

Jane Fleming is the leader of a cult known as Young democrats for America, or something like that. She is also a physically gorgeous woman. True power in the form of beauty can be hypnotic. I disagree with almost everything she has to say, and yet I would consider it a privilege to take her on top of a pooltable until we are both scuffed. At this point the feminists need to sit down and shut up if they voted for Bill “Astroturf in the pickup truck” Clinton.

Women can look at men that mentally disgust them and walk away. We can’t. When I see Jane Fleming get indignant on television, with her eyes bulging out in rage, reading democratic party talking points, I get sucked in. Intellectually, I know that if I were to abandon my principles and vote democrat, it would not get her to let me bite off the zipper on her blue jeans. Physically, I would consider voting for Satan (or worse, Hillary) if I could gnaw at her underclothing.

Now if as an adult I could be reduced to such senselessness (Monica Lewinsky anyone? It was not her brains, which she may have, but no one cared), what chance does a 14 year old boy have? It is not a fair fight. The cheerleading team may be uncool in two decades, but by then the boy has already formed his opinions.

The republican party needs to start getting some erotica on television…and fast. Michelle Malkin is stunning, but she is married. Ann Coulter is physically alluring, but she can be intimidating, and boys do not listen to girls they are afraid of. Ann Coulter makes Lorena Bobbitt come across like Mother Teresa.

The democrats get it. Jane Fleming has the pouty lips routine down to perfection. Sure, boys are sitting in front of the tv wishing they were under her desk, but unless the mute button is on, they are going to hear her message. It seeps through. One minute they are wondering if she is doing the show “commando (sans underclothing),” and the next minute they are volunteering to protect wildlife in Alaska from oil drillers. The fact that there is no wildlife to protect in the area to be drilled is irrelevant. The fact that the people of Alaska support drilling means nothing. The Pied Piper of eroticism speaks, and the lemmings jump over the cliff.

This is not to say she is unintelligent. It is just to say that whatever intellect she possesses is peripheral to her being on television. College republicans simply do not have anyone at this time that can compete. Ten years ago I would have said Shannon Doherty, but she has for some bizarre reason not used her playboy spread to catapult her into the political arena. Angie Harmon is stunning, but she is married. That turns guys off, especially ones with no sense of reality, which is almost all 14 year old boys.

So the young boys are hot for these liberal activists, and the girls want to be like them because they know how it effects the boys. Sure, every once in awhile there is someone who actually understands the cause they are supporting, but most of them just want to be cool. If smoking is cool, they light up. If it is uncool, they rail on and on about second hand smoke. If red meat is cool, they eat burgers. If uncool, they cry about poor baby calves. They should cry about sheep, because that is basically what young people can become. Or better yet, lambs led to the slaughterhouse, where their brain cells are killed in an indoctrination ritual.

The next 50 years will determine if America survives. Republicans talk about Islamofacism. It is not sexy, but it is of vital importance. Democrats, especially liberals, worry about singing kumbaya with trees and mosquitoes. It may be intellectually useless, but so many young kids care about it. Could it be that kids are intelligent? Well their parents are not like this in equal numbers, so unless kids truly are smarter than their parents (no), it is just that they are more easily seduced. The republican party will not win over kids with facts, logical reasoning or flow charts.  They need spokespeople who put underwear models to shame in terms of looks.

I was lucky. My obsessions with football and the local video arcade were strong enough to help me resist the Cleopatras of the democratic persuasion. Plus, I was funny looking in junior high, so I was blessed enough to realize I was cursed enough to believe I had no shot at sleeping with anyone, much less a cheerleader with airheaded ideas about life.

Most boys are not that far down. They have hope. They do not know what C-Span is, but they would watch it for hours on end provided that they thought it would get them closer  to making a good enough impression to end up romping in a jacuzzi filled with lemon lime jello with someone like Jane Fleming.

Good ideas are worthless without effective marketing. Young people are the most easily manipulated creatures of marketing. They then become young adults with entrenched opinions. Either the republican party starts finding ways to appeal to young people now, or we will lose elections for a generation. Anyone who thinks being right and having good ideas alone is enough is in a fantasy land (and not the hot steamy kind). Republicans tried the “actually standing for something” approach in 2006. It did not work. Democrats in congress still have no beliefs, and yet more young people identify with them.

So either the young republicans find Shannon Doherty or some other hot vixen and have her tour college campuses in an almost see through push up bra, or the 50-50 nation will tip 51-49 and beyond for the democrats.

Anyone who thinks I am wrong…turn on the tv…put on Jane Fleming…and see registration among 18 year old boys spike up faster than they spike up themselves. They will not know what she is talking about, but they will not care. Even when she gets as incomprehensible as boxing promoter Don King (the 3rd greatest marketer behind P.T. Barnum and Madonna), young boys will act like they totally understand and relate to her, in the hope that she relates to them.

I have an advanced degree and a successful career, and if I can throw reason out the window, then don’t tell me that 14 year old boys would not form their political beliefs on the basis that they want to sink their teeth into the backside of Jane Fleming’s jeans. This type of language may ruin my political career, but Bill Clinton almost got fired over Monica. She had marketing, and as even the dumbest young junior high school girl knows, marketing is power.

Republicans must match fire with fire, or be prepared to end up out in the cold.

eric