THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

Election 2016–Democrat non-candidates

http://www.commdiginews.com/politics-2/democrat-non-candidates-gore-biden-warren-booker-cuomo-45772/

eric

Election 2016: Republican non-candidates

http://www.commdiginews.com/politics-2/gop-non-candidates-mitt-romney-paul-ryan-allen-west-rudy-guliani-mike-pence-45742/

eric

My 2016 Presidential Speech

As speculation over whether or not I run for President reaches a fever pitch, it is time for my first major speech.

I began by making a presidential announcement.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2015/07/my-2016-presidential-announcement/

I announced that I was considering a run. That concludes the announcement stage.

Then I made a presidential exploration.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2015/07/my-2016-presidential-exploration/

This meant I was exploring the race. I would have set up an actual exploratory committee, but I was busy and I detest committees.

Then against my own belief system, I offered my presidential platform.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2015/07/my-2016-presidential-platform/

Should I run, I offered a couple of issues I believe in despite the fact that some people would vote against me based on issues. “Cut taxes, kill terrorists” was my slogan.

The final step will be my presidential decision. Either I will run or I will not run.

Yet today is about my first presidential speech. I have been to Iowa and South Carolina. I was told going to those states builds speculation.

I even booked a ticket to New Hampshire, but did not get on the plane. I detest cold weather and it should dip below 70 degrees within the next few months if not already.

Nevada is the fourth early state to vote, so I may show up there if my friends want to hang out in Las Vegas. No pictures will be allowed.

Florida also may have some early clout, and I would spend time in Florida out of respect for the many fine citizens there. Also, my parents live there and they let me raid their fridge.

Regarding my speech, I will use poll tested, focus group approved buzzwords that sound lofty but mean actually nothing. The words “innovate,” “technology,” and “21st century” will be repeated despite the fact that anybody with a kindergarten education knows what century this is. I am supportive of “middle class families,” as if anybody running a campaign would say they are against them.

I will claim that anybody who disagrees with me is evil, while I am reasonable and centrist. I will also create straw men, saying that I am against running over small animals in my car, implying that my critics favor this.

I will praise the military because that gets applause lines. I will claim that America is the greatest nation on Earth because nobody in their right mind would claim that America is the worst nation on Earth. After all, on our worst days we are not France.

If people are unsure of where my applause lines are, I will start clapping myself so that they all follow. Then I will tell the crowd to calm down, although I really want them to keep applauding. After all, applause takes up valuable time and requires me to supply less actual content.

I will conclude by explaining that while I know the crowd could listen to me for hours, NFL football was about to start on another channel.

During my speech I will do one of three things. 1) Decide I am running. 2) Decide I am not running. 3) Decide neither because it is nobody else’s business. I will decide when I am good and ready.

This concludes the rough outline of my first presidential speech. It will begin on a Saturday in Iowa around 1pm CST and conclude the following Thursday around 7pm EST in New York for a total of 125 hours. It will be less lengthy and boring than the current president’s speeches, and will perhaps fail to contain less substance.

I expect you all to listen because if I talked and you did not listen, I would be mistaken for the current White House occupant. If you all can pretend to care about what he has to say, do me the same courtesy.

eric

Election 2016: John Kasich

http://www.commdiginews.com/politics-2/john-kasich-successful-in-ohio-good-for-america-45428/

eric

Iran to make world blow up larger than Obama and Kerry’s egos

http://joeforamerica.com/2015/07/obama-and-kerry-reach-deal-to-let-iran-blow-up-world/

eric

Leftist Jews complicit in destructive Iran deal

http://www.commdiginews.com/politics-2/liberal-jews-blind-support-of-obama-guaranteed-iran-deal-45019/

eric

My 2016 presidential platform

Awhile back I made my presidential announcement. I announced that I was considering a run for the White House.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2015/07/my-2016-presidential-announcement/

Then I announced my presidential exploration. This meant that I was exploring a run.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2015/07/my-2016-presidential-exploration/

I will be at the debate but not the straw poll, I will not be participating in the debate as a candidate because I have not decided to run. I am attending the debate to hear the questions asked so I can determine if I would want to answer them. I would have attended the straw poll because I like barbecue. The best barbecue would help me determine who my most toughest challengers would be. The Iowa straw poll was canceled, cheating me out of good barbecue.

At some point will come a presidential decision. Until then, today is dedicated to my presidential platform should I decide to run.

Initially I was very leery about offering a platform. After all, some guy got elected in 2008 without anybody knowing what his platform was. He was tall, had good hair and a winning smile, and crisp shirts and neckties. He was also a minority, as am I. The female Democrat front-runner has no platform. So perhaps a platform will not be needed.

I grew up in the 1980s watching MTV, and I remember when Randee of the Redwoods ran for president. He he even had a campaign song entitled “Just say whoa!”

As he pointed out in an interview, it is a bad idea to have a platform. People may like you but then decide not to vote for you just because they don’t like your platform.

The current president clearly understands this. He can wave and smile with the best of them.

Yet as a country music star sings, “You’ve got to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything.” So against the advice of unpaid political advisers disguised as people offering useless unsolicited opinions, here is my presidential platform.

1) Cut taxes

2) Kill terrorists

That’s it.

For those who need elaboration on the first one, “cut taxes” is short for “Shut the hell up, cut my (blanking) taxes you corrupt useless (blankety-blanks) and get the hell out of my life.”

Kill terrorists can also be explained as “gratuitously blow stuff up, screw collateral damage, destroy everything knowing some of them will be terrorists.”

I could tell America that other ideas are being fleshed out, but that is not true. Trying to do too much at once means doing everything badly. So after cutting taxes and killing terrorists the only thing left to do would be to put my feet up on the desk and make sure a picture is taken of me lighting a victory stogie. Somebody else would take the picture because selfies are disgraceful reflections of those who celebrate being over doing.

That concludes the rollout of my presidential platform. While it is obvious I would win if I ran, there are other considerations. People who run face scrutiny, and I detest scrutiny. It’s nobody’s damn business that I may or may not have disclosed or undisclosed peculiar habits. Elaboration is not needed since I have not decided if I am running.

I will make a formal decision before Labor Day or whenever I damn well please, whichever comes last.

eric

Election 2016: Scott Walker

http://www.commdiginews.com/politics-2/scott-walker-is-a-fighter-a-winner-and-mid-western-strong-44882/

eric