Archive for June, 2007

Jews, Bacon, and the War on Terror

Sunday, June 17th, 2007

Socrates was not Jewish, but given that he was “the great questioner,” he should have honorary status in my religion.  A dinner over hot dogs at a kosher restaurant yesterday  with a Chasidic Jewish person brought up more questions than answers, as is often the case. This individual not only has a deep knowledge of Jewish texts and laws, but can more than hold his own when discussing football, the stock market, and politics. Things took a turn towards the deeply philosophical last night when discussing issues concerning pork products.

Jews are forbidden from eating pork. This is black and white. What is gray is what happens when the issue does not involve eating the pig. For instance, what are the rules about even walking into a restaurant where pork products might be served? Some would argue that the person should not even be in the restaurant, lest they be seen. Others would be willing to sit their with their friends, but not eat anything. Still others would be willing to drink Coca Cola, which is universally known as kosher, but not eat any food. Yet still others would eat a salad, or some french fries, but not eat any meat, especially not pork. Arguments can be made that bacon grease could spill from the vat containing the pork onto the fries, or even spill near the soda dispenser where the sodas are kept.

I once saw a man wearing a yamulkah (Jewish skullcap) eating at McDonalds. I hesitantly approached hi and asked him very gingerly if he would be willing to remove his yamulkah while in the establishment. He immediately agreed to do so, and thankfully for me, his clear understanding of why I made the request prevented any awkwardness. If somebody sees him in this manner, they will assume that McDonalds is a kosher establishment, where religious Jews can eat. I thanked him, and told him that I left my skullcap in my car for this reason. Some would say I should have tried to persuade him not to eat there at all, but I did not feel approaching that line.

One major thing that separates Judaism from radical Islam is the notion that Jewish law only applies to Jews. If a Rabbi sees a non-Jewish individual eating bacon, there is no objection. There is no reason to try and convince the Christian to stop, because no laws are being violated. Unlike Sharia Law, Judaism stops at the Jewish religion’s edge.

Where things become incredibly murky is when the connection between the Jew and the hog is indirect. Is it inappropriate to have a stock portfolio that contains companies that deal in pork? Is a religious observant Jew required to divest his portfolio of stock in McDonalds and other companies that sell products that violate Jewish law? We routinely hear about divesting our mutual funds from companies that sponsor terrorism, but is human life at stake when Jewish law is threatened? I honestly do not know.

What about a Jewish person becoming a hog farmer? The individual is “trafficking” in pork, but is marketing, selling, and distributing hogs tantamount to eating them? If I sell a gun to a reputable person, who then in turn sells it to a criminal, am I liable? No. My sale was reputable. So if I sell my product to McDonalds, am I responsible if other Jews eat there? Am I contributing to violations?

The conversation with this Chasidic fellow reached its deepest point with an issue that is only recently becoming relevant…bomb sniffing pigs. Yes, Hogs are now being used by the Israeli military and police forced to root out terrorism and homicide bombers. The pigs seem to be equally if not more effective than bomb sniffing dogs. Initially the Israeli government resisted using pigs, until common sense won out. The pigs were not being eaten, but used to save Jewish lives.

So what happens if a Jewish individual sees that an excellent idea in terms of entrepreneurship would be to become a hog farmer. If he raises and sells them only to the Israeli Government solely for the purposes of sniffing bombs, with stipulations in the contract that they can only be eaten after being sold to non-Jewish businesses, is this acceptable? If the hog farmer has the Israeli Government as his main client, but also McDonalds as well, then what? Does the saving of lives overrule the consumption aspect?

Israel is a major front for fighting back in the War on Terror. Therefore, I believe that getting them as many pigs as possible should be encouraged. Yes, there is a risk that it could lead to more Jews consuming bacon, but perhaps that concern can be alleviated, and perhaps not. When a famous Rabbi was told to eat a pig in front of his congregation or be executed, he chose to death. When he was told he could press the pig against his lips and pretend to eat it, he again chose death. Sacrificing his own life was deemed more important than killing an entire religion.

Assimilation is not going away. It is a constant struggle. Sending tons and tons of creatures used to make bacon will only make things tougher on the large segment of the Jewish community that finds keeping kosher to be a tough accomplishment requiring intense discipline. It could cause more people not to keep kosher.

Having said that, winning the War on Terror must be paramount. I am more afraid of homicide bombers than bacon. Besides, if the pigs are used appropriately, they will be too valuable as terror warriors against homicide bombers to ever become bacon anyway. If it is acceptable to use them, it should be acceptable to grow them. It is becoming big business, and too lucrative to consider not doing just because of theological questions that are far from definitively against this practice.

eric

Hey Mom, wish Dad a Happy Father’s Day for me

Sunday, June 17th, 2007

On Mother’s Day, a groundbreaking new blog expressed the following sentiments…

“I love you mom. Happy useless symbolic holiday. I love you too dad. Happy useless symbolic holiday in advance, in case I forget to call. It is Sunday. As always, I will give you the best gift that you always wanted, the one you never had when I was growing up…peace and quiet. I will call in the afternoon so as not to wake you up. Ok, who am I kidding, you will be up 5 or 6 hours before me anyway. I will call you inthe afternoon so I can sleep in and get peace and quiet.

I would ask you when ‘son’ day is, but then you would remark about how every day for 18 years was son day, and that you have the grocery bills to prove it.”

Anyway Mom, today is Father’s Day. I know how it works. I call him up, and he asks me “Son, do you own stock in the telephone company? You just called a couple days ago.”

I actually have a very good relationship with my parents, but they are practical people, and not big on ceremony or symbolism. Outside of Veteran’s Day or Memorial Day, there are no important holidays. My dad wishes we could have “Shut the hell up and go to work Day,” where everybody just did that.

He is not interested in idle chatter. In past years I called him a couple days before Father’s Day, in case I forgot Father’s Day. Then I would remember, call again, and he would ask his favorite question “Is there a point to this conversation?”

I live 3000 miles away. Getting lunch is not possible. He is retired, and has no use for another necktie. The gifts he really wants I simply do not have the power to give.

“Dad, if you want the border protected, talk to the President. I have nothing to do with it.”

“Dad, I have no idea why Californians act like that. No, they are not my people. I just live here. I have already apologized for them.”

“Dad, just because I watch sports does not mean I turn over cars. I have no idea why they do it. No, they are not my people either.”

“Dad, I will get married on my timetable. No, I am not dating anyone seriously. Don’t worry, I will find somebody wonderful for you to hate very soon.”

Some of my dad’s gripes are totally valid. I grew up in a “Father Knows Best” household. Television today treats fathers like imbeciles, just another child for the mother to raise. My father was not a clown. He had a sense of humor, but he was serious about providing for his family. That is serious business.

He did not drink, do drugs, gamble away the rent money or sexually abuse the kids or the animals. Heck, in fact we had dogs, cats, birds, fish and iguanas, and he took care of them, as he did everything else. What was he supposed to do, rely on the kids to do it?

He made it clear when I was a kid that he was not my buddy. He was my father. We were not going to pal around. We still don’t. We have different interests, and lead different lives.

As I have mentioned before, he is a Holocaust survivor. There is not much to say about that except that it rendered him incapable to listen to me complain about how tough social studies class was.

Anyway Mom,  tell Dad he has an exceptional son, and not in the “sit in the back of the little yellow bus” kind of way. So of course you both get a lot of the credit for that.

The truth is Pop, after the year you have had, all I really want for you on Father’s Day is to have what I want for you every day of the year…happiness and health. You had open heart surgery less than two months ago. I am glad you are already fishing again.

For this Father’s Day, I want you to have the peace and quiet that eluded you while trying to raise children, deal with school systems, fix the roof, and deal with local bureaucrats who would not let you rig explosives to the mailbox to deal with the kids that kept bashing it in with baseball bats. I want you to have great weather on Father’s Day so you can go fishing, and not be cooped up inside the house.

I want the batteries on your remote to work properly, since lord knows I know what it is like to get up and have to walk three feet to change the channel. I want somebody somewhere in this world to like the same music as you, because for you to download files, somebody somewhere must have them.

Dad, I know you like brevity, so Mom can condense this column and just give you the fine points. I will make sure the phone call tomorrow is brief and to the point. The bottom line is I love you, and I wish many years of health and happiness to come.

Oh, and I have not done anything in the last few weeks that would cause you or Mom to have to change your last name or move addresses again.

I also checked the local milk cartons, and none of the kids are mine.

I am alcohol, drug and disease free, so between you and Nancy Reagan’s “Just say no” campaign, I turned out alright.

No, I will not stop watching football. I know you don’t get it. That’s ok. I don’t have to like the things you are interested in to love you as my dad. This is good, because I usually don’t like them.

Also, don’t tell me the next time I call that you are watching the Sopranos. I happen to know the show is over. I know, Thursdays is House. Mom can let me know about any other scheduling conflicts.

Happy Father’s Day Dad. Oh, and wish Mom a Happy Mother’s Day for next year so I can get a head start, again in case I forget.

I love you both. Now can I go back to watching tv, since I know you want to do that as well? I watch Letterman, and you watch Leno, and some gaps cannot be overcome.

You know Dad, as much as I would have liked to have been the product of inherited wealth, for non-millionaires, you are the best parents a guy could ask for. No, I am not asking for money, I mean it. No, I did not get in trouble, I am saying it anyway.

I love you both. Happy Useless Symbolic Holiday, and Dad, good health and happiness always. You can’t be as cantankerous as you’re sometimes made out to be, because too many people are delighted to still have you around.

Oh, and about that incident involving me, the neighbor’s mountain goat, my Asian friend, and beefaroni flavored pasta…don’t read the paper today. I will talk to you about it another day. I would rather you have a peaceful Father’s Day.

eric

Our other border problem

Saturday, June 16th, 2007

Immigration is killing large swaths of this country. No, not Mexicans. No, not the scourge of the North, our cold furry Canadian friends. Our immigration problem is internal. To quote Walt Kelly’s Pogo, “We have seen the enemy, and they is us.”

Blue state migration has to stop. Sadly enough, blue states have a right to exist. Yes, there are people who actually believe blue state solutions work. This begs the question…why don’t they stay there?

Arizona and Nevada are under siege. Idaho and Montana have liberals arriving en masse for peace and quiet, failing to grasp that the piece and quiet exists because they are not there. Florida is being turned into Manhattan. The solutions to this migration could get bloody.

The people in Arizona have begged their governor to protect their borders. Those calls have gone unheeded, as elderly liberal retirees arrive for cheap real estate and better quality of life. It is called lower tax rates, and it is at the heart of red state success. How will Arizona absorb all these blue state aliens? Given how old they are, won’t they be a drain on the state health care system?

Liberals have every right to destroy their own areas. Yet why should they have a right to screw up pristine areas of Americana that survived and thrived specifically because they did not live there?

I voted for President Bush twice, but if he does not build a fence at the Florida border…that being the one that is next to South Carolina…then the retirees will keep coming.

Cities are for liberals. Quiet rural areas are for conservatives. Liberals move into rural areas, and then start demanding everything that represents their culture. They need lattes. They need mochas. They need gyms to do aerobics. They need yoga centers. They need delicatessens with very specific types of pickles. They need smoothie shops, and sushi places, and upscale shopping malls. It does not stop. They simply need, and need, and need. There is no place left for red staters to go. How many people wake up and beg their family to move to Massachusetts?

The Minutemen should not worry about the Mexicans, because love them or not, they cannot vote. Liberals can vote, and they regularly win 18 states in presidential elections. The other 32 states have not been lost yet, but if they do not get protection soon, they will be swallowed up faster than you can say “vegan food store.”

I understand that liberals came to this country in search of a dream, and some would say segregating them smacks of apartheid, but why should conservatives be punished for creating a society that works?

The President is tearing apart the republican coalition by his unwillingness to protect New Hampshire from Vermont and Rhode Island. The liberals are in favor of gun control. Of course they are. The conservatives are trying to prevent their sovereignty from being overrun by these very same liberals.

The conservatives are not blameless in this matter. By being Pro-life on the abortion issue, they are only preventing liberals from committing eugenics on themselves. These non-abortions are going to be future liberals. By giving them amnesty 20 years ago, they just brought all their relatives, which would not have been an issue had they been aborted.

America is fighting a War on Terror, and we cannot win this war when we cannot even protect our own borders. Some would say rounding liberals up and deporting them back to San Francisco or Boston would be cruel, and that separating them from their families is inhuman. Given that Harvard and Stanford are fine universities, they should offer scholarships to those who promise to stay and reinvest in the local communities.

Drastic measures might be necessary. In the same way farmers are paid to let land lay fallow, blue staters, parasites that they are, might need to be given subsidies to stay where they are.

I voted for Dubya twice, with no regrets. I agree with him on most issues, but he has an obligation to protect the borders. If this is not solved now, the best parts of America will be overrun with these outsiders. Chicago will spill over into Indiana. Palm Beach has already been dragged down by the Upper West Side of Manhattan. San Diego does not have the army, despite its military presence, to avoid a crush of Los Angeles carpetbaggers and scalawags.

Iraq and Afghanistan are important, and our military is doing a fabulous job. However, all that will be meaningless if our National Guard allows the Sharia Law Cab drivers to migrate and spread their doctrines from Minneapolis to North Dakota.

Perhaps we need to get the Center for Disease Control involved. Liberalism is a poison, and if we can quarantine people in Seattle and Portland, we can save Utah and Wyoming from becoming infected.

We need Army Rangers and Navy Seals, and we need them now. The red states simply cannot absorb these migrants. It is time to close the borders, and send the blue staters back to their wine tasting, brie cheese eating, tax crushing areas that they came from. No one has an absolute right to live in Texas or Oklahoma. Asking what is wrong with Kansas by people from the left is like having Charles Manson question why school librarians refuse to understand the beauty of homicidal rampages.

Protect our borders now Mr. President. No more amnesty. We should not even allow a guest worker program, especially since most of these liberals are retired anyway, and have no desire to work, choosing to sponge off state services instead. Unlike the immigrants of 100 years ago, these immigrants do not assimilate. They refuse to adopt to red state culture, instead clinging to their own failed traditions.

Deport the blue staters back to their original areas. The fact that they messed up their own lives is not my problem.

eric

At this rate, the 2008 election will be held yesterday

Friday, June 15th, 2007

There was a time when primaries mattered. Candidates would go from state to state, and actually meet voters across America. In 1968, there was true drama, as RFK slogged into California. Even in 1988, several democrats had a legitimate shot at getting trounced by George HW Bush.

2008 is bordering on lunacy. It reminds me of the line by Comedian Steven Wright, talking about an airline flight he had on “Air Bizarre.” The company slogan was “Leave any Monday, we’ll bring you back the previous Friday.”

http://michellemalkin.com/2007/11/21/new-hampshire-moves-up-primary-to-january-8/

As states play games of leapfrog to be first in line, all it does is create a longer general election campaign. By 2004, John Kerry had wrapped up the nomination in early March, leading to an eight month general election campaign. Given that a presidential term is 48 months, that means President Bush spent 17% of his first term running for reelection. That is simply too long to be distracted from actually governing. Perhaps we need to finish the election 6 months early so the liberals can count every vote, which I think means waiting for their only remaining loyal voters to finish law school, flunk the bar exam once or twice, and be ready for battle.

Campaign season typically began after Labor Day, in terms of a general election. It was 10 weeks to the finish line. The conventions were held in July and August. Given that the primaries ended in June, that gave the top candidates precious weeks if not days to pick a running mate, and then be ready at the convention.

The logic to a quick coronation of one particular candidate in the primaries is that it gives that candidate enough time to be on par with an incumbent, thereby reducing the disadvantage. However, all the truncated primaries did in 2004 was give the nomination to an untested individual in John Kerry.

In 1988, the Bush campaign led by Lee Atwater was able to go after Michael Dukakis on the Willie Horton issue because Al Gore brought it up first, and Dukakis never addressed it in an adequate manner. However, in 1992, Bill Clinton got pulverized by Paul Tsongas and Jerry Brown, which only strengthened him in the general election campaign.

Political parties are scared that intraparty divisions will lead to a fractured convention and an electoral loss. This is nonsense. Intraparty disagreements are healthy. In addition, intraparty disputes tend to be nastier, because the differences are often personal, rather than ideological. A candidate who survives a vicious primary is at the very least battle tested. John Kerry was simply not tested in the primaries because his victories were based on him being “electable,” as opposed to Howard Dean.

Being not Howard Dean is not enough. My saying I am not Charles Manson does not mean I am an angel. The threshold should be higher.

June became March for California. Other states then moved to February. Now California has moved to early February. Iowa decides in January. Why not December? Heck, why not today? Don’t the people in Dixhill Notch, New Hampshire have to get up and vote at midnight, because they are representative of…well…Dixhill Notch, New Hampshire?

The media loves dark horses, but dark horses run marathons, not sprints. With less time to get messages out, those with the most money and most time on television can run the political primary table in days. This sacrifices ideas and policy proposals for the sake of strategy. Well let’s see, Hillary Clinton might run best among 18-24 year old transvestites who watch “Desperate Housewives,” while Barack Obama could be the choice of the women between ages 19.2 and 26.7 who watch “The Bachelor.” Do the people have to watch it when it comes on? What about those who tivo one and watch the other twice?

Metrics replaces substance. We are told that the election is about gay black women who like polka music, and candidates oblige by being seen on camera playing the accordian at a meeting of homosexual NAACP members.

Ideas only work as presentable when there is enough time to present them. A one hour Powerpoint presentation is meaningless against a 30 second video on You-tube. The clock moves faster and faster, and the quality becomes cheaper and cheaper. Picking a president to run the world’s largest economy and military must be done with a careful vetting process. Tougher primaries lead to stronger general election candidates.

The political parties need to push back New Hampshire to March or April. There could then be regional primaries. Either way, a 9 month general election with untested candidates is the least desirable option.

At the rate we are going, it will not matter anyway. Mike Huckabee and Joe Biden are the frontrunners for the 2012 nomination, and Sam Brownback and Christopher Dodd are leading in the 2016 Iowa caucuses. For the many of you who do not know who these people are…it is not your fault. Nobody knows who they are because the primaries were over the moment they began.

In fact, I think the election was yesterday. I hope my candidate won. If they did, I hope they know about it. They had better pass some policies fast. Within 12 months of taking office, they will need to start running for reelection. Maybe they can save time by just skipping the whole boring process of selecting a cabinet. It is not like the people will be vetted anyway.

eric

I apologize for…what am I supposed to be sorry for again?

Thursday, June 14th, 2007

I have come to the conclusion that I am a deeply flawed man. Actually, it has been pointed out to me by everyone I know on enough occasions to require mild acknowledgment. So rather than take an introspective look inside myself, and have nothing to atone for on Yom Kippur, I figured I would throw out some random, feel good apologies. They will be more sincere than “statements of regret,” or “If I offended anybody,” platitudes made famous by politicians, but less complete than actual contrition. Like a tragic Greek hero, flaws and all, I offer apologies for my transgressions.

The macaroni incident. I am not ready to talk about it.

As God as my witness, I thought mountain goats could fly.

My Chasidic adult video collection, and my unhealthy obsession with Bea Arthur.

I did not know she was your daughter sir. At least it was not your son!

Death threats against referees are not acceptable, even when they make bad calls that destroy the very fabric of society.

Celebrating Gaza burning. Actually, I am sorry for being delighted by it. Well, no, not really…but maybe I should be.

How was I supposed to know that in Florida it is called Highway 95, not the speed limit?

I never killed Kenny, but I think the people who did are b@stards. Actually, that has nothing to do with anything, South Park is on television right now.

Rooting for the lions on December 24th. It’s not that I mind Christians, I just wish something was open besides bowling allies and Chinese food places. To avoid being charged with hate thoughts, I meant the Detroit Lions.

I apologize for liberals. Somebody should.

Like I am the only one that finds humor in exploding potatoes in the microwave. I did eat the thing afterward, it was a victimless crime.

I apologize for thinking it.

It was a Halloween costume. Of course I don’t normally wear those.

Those are not mine. An ex must have left them here.

Of course I was not with another woman. Those are mine, I wear them all the time.

Commando Wednesday did not seem like a bad idea at the time. I did not expect the underwear lobby to consider a one day a week boycott as an act of aggression.

Ditto for the idea of Pantsless Wednesday. It was not to be implemented in conjunction with Commando Wednesday. It was an either or deal.

I owned a Milli Vanilli cassette. I know, I know.

How was I supposed to know we were being videotaped? Besides, I am a taxpayer, it’s my sidewalk too.

To all my former teachers, it was my parents who taught me that stuff. To mom and dad, it was the school system that caused it.

Mistress Evil…you were worth every penny. I am sorry nonetheless.

I know I should have rushed that guy to the hospital, but my tivo was not working.

Oh, like I am the only guy who understand that a jacuzzi filled with lemon lime jello is sometimes appropriate.

It’s not that books are boring, but Cliff Notes are just incredibly exciting.

It’s not that I sing badly, but many people who hear me are tone deaf.

All the guys in junior high wore mirrors on their sneakers.

I should not have eaten that. I should not have drank that. I should not have said that, done that, thought that, or induced somebody else to say, think or do it.

I forgot what it was. I need a better memory.

I should not have referred to her delectable bits in such infantile terms, no matter how yummy they is.

My parents cannot afford to keep moving addresses and changing their last names.

I apologize for being insincere with regards to all of the above…or some of it…well, most of it anyway.

I apologize for…oh no wait, somebody else did that. I was innocent on that one.

Maybe Suing Santa Claus when I was a boy was heavy handed, but that fat b@stard skipped my home. I still maintain he is an anti-semite.

The pirate digging for buried treasure remark was inappropriate. She was not amused. I used to call it beaversnatching, but that is redundant, therefore twice as immature.

I should not have prevented black Americans in Florida from voting in 2000, but how else could I take part in a great American conspiracy? I was shocked and embarrassed when I found out I made that up and it never happened anywhere.

I can’t help it. Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo is the greatest movie since Weekend at Bernies. I was wrong to say it was Ace Ventura Pet Detective.

Swearing, especially taking the lord’s name in vain. I can’t help it. Football and sex are important.

I know Pol Pot was evil, but he does look like a warm fuzzy dude.

Ok, I feel cleansed. Purifying the soul is important. There is nothing like a clean slate.

Ok, off to write a quick blog about politics before one of my phone sluts calls. Don’t worry, I won’t touch myself, especially since I do not know where I’ve been.

Oh great. I apologize for that remark as well.

Now, to concentrate on political blogging and phone sluts.

eric

I’ll have Gaza Strip and eggs for breakfast please, sunny side down and burnt to a crisp

Thursday, June 14th, 2007

The Gaza Strip is burning. I do love dinner theatre. That reminds me, I do need to stop at the grocery store and pick up some Doctor Brown’s Black Cherry Soda and Nacho Cheese Doritos. Normally when the guys come over to watch sports, my cabinet and refrigerator are stocked, but between the NBA and NHL playoffs, I forgot that Gaza’s version of the Olympic games was taking place this week.

Ralph Peters, as always, writes more brilliantly in the New York Post, then I ever could. Here are some of his comments:

“We need to stop making politically correct excuses. Arab civilization is in collapse. Extremes dominate, either through dictatorship or anarchy. Thanks to their dysfunctional values and antique social structures, Arab states can’t govern themselves decently.

We gave them a chance in Iraq. Israel “gave back” the Gaza Strip to let the Palestinians build a model state. Arabs seized those opportunities to butcher each other.”

Exactly. However, I can no longer see this as a bad thing. If they want to educate their children with “Hooked on Eugenics,” I say let them. Now some say the poor, innocent Palestinian people (an invented fictional creature similar to Unicorns, except less friendly) are not to blame for their government. Nonsense. I blamed republicans in 1992 when they stayed home demoralized, and then were surprised at the Clinton years. I hope they remember that in 2008. The government the Palestinians have is a government of, by, and for their people in every miserable way. The fact that 70-80% of Palestinians support homicide bombers should lead one to not be surprised when they elect them to their government. Every once in awhile they will look at their miserable, self-inflicted lot in life and say that their strategy of indiscriminate murder is “not helpful to their cause.” The idea of not engaging in indiscrimate killing because it is simply wrong would not occur to them. That would require they value human life.

Ralph Peters correctly points out that the Gaza situation is a valuable tool in trying to educate American liberals about what would happen if the USA left Iraq today. I do not expect liberals to learn this lesson, since the killing fields of Vietnam would scare straight most rational people.

“The left doesn’t care how many Iraqis die, as long as President Bush can be humiliated. Now the Murthacrats insist that, once we bail out, Atlantis will rise from the Tigris and Euphrates.

Look at Gaza, at the orgy of self-destructive savagery, the macho idiocy, the junkyard-dog religion and the murder-suicide cult sweeping Arab civilization.”

My only area of mild correction is that this death cult is not sweeping Arab culture. It swept it centuries ago, and accelerated it a century ago.

“But for all that, it’s the Arabs who failed themselves, again and again and again. When Lebanon tried to achieve a semblance of democracy, Syria embarked on a killing spree that, to this day, has had no tangible consequences for the Assad regime. When elections came to the Palestinian territories, the Palestinians voted for terrorists. And while Prince Bandar reportedly was raking in billion-dollar bribes between tennis matches with U.S. pols, our Saudi “pals” were spending their oil wealth to ensure that no Muslims will ever live under a tolerant government that regards women as human.”

Shockingly enough, watching these people kill each other does not cause me to lose sleep. In fact, the only thing that would cause me to sleep better is if a pair of Jewish republican brunettes were next to me. Heck, I would even let one of them be to the left of me in that situation.

The nations of Turkey, Afghanistan and Iraq are more interested in seeing their people succeed than in causing their enemies to fail. They love their children more than they hate the children of their rivals, to paraphraise Golda Meir. This cannot be said about the Palestinians, the only people on Earth too crazy for even Arabs to deal with. For them, destruction is the goal, the ends as well as the means.

Therefore, the only thing left to do is perhaps fire up the barbecue on the balcony and relax on the sofa. It is not that I am delighted that Arabs are killing each other. It is that I am thrilled, elated and relieved that they are so distracted with this civil war that they do not have time to kill Jews. Not since the Iran-Iraq war in the 1980s have Jews had a moment of tranquility. Now the best scenario would be if the Palestinians decided not to kill off anybody, and perhaps take up something like knitting sweaters or stamp collecting, but so far that does not seem to be as exciting a hobby for these bloodthirsty individuals.

If Palestinians would ever truly opt for peace, I would welcome them with open arms. However, if the choice is letting them kill each other, or more Jews, I say let the war be civil, and yet very uncivil.

They did this to themselves, and I will do what is necessary…thank them. For now, I will enjoy the Gaza Strip the way I enjoy my bacon strips (Rabbi, they are beef based)…burnt to a crisp with eggs sunny side down. Actually, make them sunny side up to reflect my optimistic mood. No wait, since we are dealing with Palestinians and their logical reasoning, the eggs should reflect them…make them scrambled.

Now to enjoy some soda, some white toast with margarine, and a good sporting event.

eric

Pacifist Jewish Pride and other nonsense

Thursday, June 14th, 2007

One of the worst pieces of garbage that ever arrived in my inbox was a smug, self-satisfying email from an individual who was so proud that Jews were a bunch of pansies, choosing to turn the other cheek so we can get hit twice. I will spare the explanation of why pacificism is a polite way of asking your opponent to deck you, and let the words of this kumbaya loving leftist speak for itself.

“I’m proud to be a Jew because Jews don’t kidnap.I’m proud to be a Jew because in the middle of a war, Jews still demonstrate and protest to protect the rights of the Arab-Israeli minority to voice their opposition to the war. I’m proud to be a Jew because even when Israel is wrongly and falsely accused of killing innocent civilians, Jewish leaders apologize immediately for any loss of life instead of celebrating these deaths by passing out candy and shooting celebratory gunshots into the air. I’m proud to be a Jew when my army, the Israeli army, drops leaflets and makes calls to Lebanese citizens on their cell phones to warn them to evacuate before bombing begins.”

 

At this point I feel like taking this pacifist and decking him. What is he going to do, fight back? I will sum up what needs to be done with this individual in three simple words…

GROW A PAIR. Stop being so gracious and thankful that even though the world hates and wants to kill you, that you sleep well at night knowing you do not seek justice. Here is my response to this pacifist.

“I would be proud to be a Jew if: Israel would blow up Damascus tomorrow.I would be proud to be a Jew if we would stop showing our toughness by dropping warning leaflets to our enemies telling them when we are attacking.I Would be proud to be a Jew if we would stop showing our toughness by attacking abandoned empty buildings.I would be proud to be a Jew if the Israeli government would hold a press conference and tell the nations of Europe to “go f*ck themselves.”

I Would be proud to be a Jew if more Jews cared more about Israel than the poor suffering innocent homicidal maniacs known as Palestinians, or as they should be called the worst of the Arabs.I WOULD be proud to be a Jew if the Israeli government had the guts to let the IDF finish what they started.I am proud to be an American because when we have a president whose nation is attacked by Islamofascists, we b*tchslap them in a scorched Earth campaign and hunt every one of those little rats down despite the fact that some Americans are ashamed to be Americans.

I Would be proud to be a Jew if my fellow Jews would stand up and say what needs to be said: we are at war, and the only goal of a war is to win.

Until then…Dear Pacifist Jews…You are wasting my time and money.You want the world to like you. They never will. I am not going to spend another minute caring about you until you care about yourselves.”

I actually am quite proud to be a Jew, but this is despite Jewish pacifists, not because of them. Israel exists because in several wars we took our enemies and kicked the cr@p out of them. No, this is not eloquent. I am not sophisticated. Then again, if I had to be trapped in a foxhole, I would rather be next to an Army Ranger rather than some peace loving human shield who will get us both killed.

I guess “Thank you sir, may I have another, only this time make it fatal,” is not in my vocabulary. Nobody likes war. I hate war. I love life, and the way to enjoy life is to actually be and stay alive.

May God Bless the Israeli Defense Forces, and American soldiers everywhere. They may not be pacifists, but boy do they contribute to world peace, one dead terrorist at a time.

eric


Somebody Blow up Damascus Today

Wednesday, June 13th, 2007

I used to think Syria was a useless nation that brought nothing positive to anyone, anywhere in the entire civilized world. I now realize that assessment was far too charitable. Uselessness implies a sense of harmless neutrality. Syria makes the world worse. The world needs to eliminate Syria…today.

Another Lebanese anti-Syrian activist was murdered in a homicide bomb attack. Now it is one thing to repress your own people, but this was a protester living in Lebanon. Lebanon is a sovereign nation, and assassinating political leaders is an act of war. Lebanon was once one of the most beautiful nations in the world, so lush with nature that the holy bible itself refers to the Cedars in Lebanon. Lebanon is now a place of misery, and Syria is the cause of that misery. The people of Syria suffer because their government spends its money on bombs to kill innocent civilians in other countries.

Syria has no reason to exist. It has no products or services to offer. Some would argue that Syria should be allowed to exist because it is a nation, a place where people live. Since Syria does not apply that normally reasonable standard to Israel, it is time to simply help Syria enforce its own standards.

Syria has one export, and that is terrorism. It is time for Syria to be given fine quality imports, so that they can do a quality comparison. I am sure that there are people in this world that will talk about negotiations, and the elegant soft power of dimplomacy. That argument would be taken more seriously if the United Nations actually ever accomplished anything useful. This corrupt “Oil for food” loving, America and Israel hating, do nothing peacekeeper raping band of plutocrats seems to have no skills outside of turning a blind eye to world evil. Syria has sat on the human rights commission and the security council.

We could try sanctions, which would never be enforced. We could try talking to these lunatics, which would fall on deaf ears. We could try sending Nancy Pelosi over there, but she would somehow find her way back. The picture of her wearing a burka while announcing Israel had agreed to take steps toward peace (which was news to Israel) was a major victory for the caliphate. The woman who never stops speaking actually agreed to sit silently and adhere to Sharia Law in the name of “customs.”

The answer is not to have US leaders wearing burkas. The answer is to stop the genocidal nutcases that want to enforce everyone in the Western world to wear Burkas. Syria is an unstable nation that desires world instability to distract the world from its own failure on everything from human rights to illegal political assassinations. 

In addition, those weapons of mass destruction that supposedly never existed are most likely buried there. Like Iraq, they do not seem to be interested in cooperating with world investigators. Then again, the world for the most part seems uninterested in investigating anything anyway. After all, if we criticize Syria, how will we be allowed to sit down and sip Mint Medley or Earl Gray Tea with the world’s most delightful opthamolagist (It is ironic that a man who specializes in eyes cannot see the handwriting on the wall or the forest for the trees.)?

Homicide bombers are mercenaries, and all mercenaries have their price. It is time that the US government start using incentives to send the homicide bombers into Damascus. Perhaps when the capitol of Syria is blown to kingdom come, we can turn it into something useful, like a democracy. This seems to be working for Turkey, and is showing signs of functionality in Afghanistan and Iraq.

If the Syrians accuse us of imperialism, we should explain to them that if they do not keep their terrorist loving mouths shut, we will show them real imperialism. McDonalds and Coca Cola will be on every corner. What a horror…forcing them to eat and drink stuff that tastes good.

Negotiation has never worked with these miscreants. Syria needs to be broke in half, and immediately. Or, America can wait until they stop targeting Lebanese leaders and start targeting western leaders.

Syria is a cancer. Let’s remove this lesion, so the Middle East can start to heal. Damascus will not be missed…unless our military overshoots the target and accidentally takes out Iran instead. Like many of you who favor world stability, I can live with that as well.

eric     

Dan Rather and Katie Couric–Partners in Crime

Tuesday, June 12th, 2007

Dan Rather thinks Katie Couric has weakened the CBS Evening News. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, or in today’s hypersensitive politically correct world, African-American (not to be confused with Afro-American, which to my knowledge is still a hairstyle).

Dan Rather has accused Katie Couric of “dumbing it down and tarting it up.” Now did he say “tarting,” as in sexually slutty, or “tarding,” which is slang for calling her a retard, which would make his comment about dumbing it down redundant. So Katie Couric is either a slut or an imbecile. In junior high school a woman can be both, but unlike that world, where those comments can be positive in a warped way, calling adult professional women slutty would be out of bounds (if one accepts the argument that the entertainment industry is remotely connected to civilized society).

I want to make it clear that I am no fan of Katie Couric. I find her a stereotypical liberal newsperson. She is arrogant, condescending, smug…basically, a liberal. She has taken the news and turned it into nonsense. I love Will Ferrell, but having even 60 seconds of the news dedicated to what Ron Burgundy (Ferrell’s hysterically funny character in “Anchorman”) thinks about the news is ludicrous. If people want “infotainment,” there are plenty of trashy tabloid shows such as “Access Hollywood,” and the like.

Hard news is not about Paris Hilton. It is about the War in Iraq. However, as big a train wreck as Katie Couric is, her sins are that of an unqualified powder puff who wants to be the dumb junior high school cheerleader and the serious war correspondent. Can anyone picture Edward R. Murrow refusing to go on an assignment because of his family? She gets paid millions to do a job, and has no business reporting on a War when she is unwilling to actually learn what is going on their first hand.

Dan Rather’s sins were much bigger. He was a fraud. Period. His career was based on vengeance and vendetta. In 1988 he screamed at George Bush the Elder. You do not scream at Presidents, or their families. Ever. A great scene on Letterman several years ago occurred right before Dave was about to interview Hillary Clinton. In a brilliantly scripted comedy bit, Walter Cronkite stood up and said “Dave. You are about to interview the First Lady of the United States. Don’t be a jack@ss.”

Dan Rather had a history of such infantile behavior. He once refused to do the last 7 minutes of a broadcast because a sports report went overtime. Sorry to disappoint this elitist, but average Americans, who shop at Walmart, go to Church, and eat red meat…those people rather and his ilk disdain…they like sports. When Bush Senior pointed out that Dan Rather was cherry picking his criticisms, Rather responded by yelling at this man. The Secret Service should have beaten him harder than the “What’s the Frequency?” assaulter. No, I do not support violence against Dan Rather, but yelling in a menacing manner at the President could lead to a royal hurting. His life must be protected.

Yet Dan Rather soldiered on, and his chance at retribution came in 2004 with the help of liberal lunatic Mary Mapes, a woman so blinded by partisan hatred that even her own father wondered what happened to her. They used fake documents. The blogosphere, arrogantly dismissed by Dan Rather and his ilk as “People typing in their Pajamas,” did a better job of investigative journalism than Rather himself. It took about 10 minutes of effort, if that. Hatred of George W. Bush fueled the CBS News and 60 minutes, and the ends were supposed to justify the means. Granted the Jayson Blair Times called the documents”Fake but accurate,” but the Jayson Blair Times is as cancerous as CBS News. The result for all of these entities has been lower ratings and lower revenues. George W. Bush was reelected, and Dan Rather (despite a positive media spin) was fired, along with Mary “Sour Grapes,” Mapes.

CBS News was # 1 for 30 years. Edward R. Murrow was a legend, and Walter Cronkite was “the most trusted man in America.” Gunga Dan Rather was the man who drove CBS News into 3rd place. Katie Couric has further devalued it, but that is like the CEO responsible for taking a company and having it lose 90% of its value criticize their successor for losing the final 10% and sliding into bankruptcy.

How does one take gold and turn it into lead? Well if it is the CBS News, one puts Dan Rather in charge. They would have been equally professional had they put Charles in Charge. Joanie loved Chachi, proving Scott Baio had one fan more than Dan Rather, not counting his family and members of REM.

While it was unrealistic to expect Katie Couric to work miracles, making things worse was next to impossible, and she succeeded in that monumental task. There is no evidence that Katie Couric has used fake footage, unless you count CBS News masquerading as a real news program as fraud. In that case ABC and NBC also have explaining to do, so Katie is temporarily off the hook for that one.

A case could have been made for Dan Rather being arrested. No, I am not advocating throwing him in jail, but if he knew the documents were forgeries, and allowed him to go on the air, that could be a crime. Journalists want absolute protections that ordinary citizens do not have, but the right to promote forgery, which is a financial crime, should not be allowed.

Dan Rather destroyed his own legacy, which only existed because he told us it did. The truth finally came out. He was a mean spirited bully who got undone by his own haughtiness, the victim of a long overdue petard hoisting. Maybe he called Katie Couric a petard. It would not make sense, but neither did a lot of what Dan Rather said. For example, his signature signoff was “courage,” yet unless courage is defined by throwing his subordinates under a bus to take the blame for his misdeeds, he did not seem to live up to this value.

Katie Couric did succeed in ruining what Dan Rather left behind. What Dan Rather will never grasp is that she only provided the final nail in the integrity coffin that he closed shut himself. He dumbed down what was given to him, and only because he is a grumnpy old ma is he unable to “tart” anything up.

Dan Rather and Katie Couric deserve each other. They are perfectly matched, like Katrina and Rita. They are not seen as credible in reporting on the many disasters in this world, because from a serious news standpoint, they are two of them.

The only solution is for someone even more partisan, less serious, and more biased to take over. Al Gore and John Kerry are available. They could not do any worse. Even if they did, no harm would be done. There are no viewers left to lie to, no intelligent ones left to be insulted.

eric

Violence in Gaza–Oh, and water is wet

Tuesday, June 12th, 2007

There is violence in Gaza today, and in further news, a tree is falling in the forest somewhere. Like a third tier presidential candidate, this story is gasping for air time. Let it die, along with the people there.

Yes, I said it. Humans are suffering, and I am content to let them. I am Jewish, and the Torah I believe in does not ask me to pray for people that want to kill me. Jews are supposed to be fruitful and multiply, which is hard to do when living next door to genocidal lunatics.

Although I had grave misgivings about the Gaza pullout (I felt we as Israel should have taken more land), I trusted Ariel Sharon. It was difficult to force Jews to leave their homes, but once the Jews were gone, the Arabs (Yes, Palestinians are simply Arabs, and the worst of the lot at that) would have no excuses. They would either succeed as a civilization in Gaza or they would fail. What a shock. They are killing each other.

A dirty not so little secret about many Arab nations is that while they publicly hate Israel, they hate each other more. Does any sane person honestly believe Kuwait hates Israel more than Iraq? Does anyone honestly believe that Saudi Arabia worries about Israel more than they do Iran? Israel is the best thing that ever happened to the Arabs. It is the only thing that (most of the time) keeps Arab nations from firing their guns while standing in a circle.

When it was brought up that without Israel controlling Gaza, the Palestinians would descend into a civil war, my only difficulty was trying to figure out what the down side of this equation was. Of course they were going to kill each other. They had to kill somebody. That is what killers do. The Roman Empire collapsed because it was founded on military victories, and when they had nobody left to fight with, they got bored and turned inward.

For those who want the obligatory politically correct nonsense about the peace loving Palestinians, and how many are held hostage by a few renegades, turn on the television. There are no Jews left in Gaza. They are still killing each other. For what? I do not know and I do not care, although I suspect they are arguing about who would be best at killing the Jews, a worthy and noble goal as opposed to fighting illiteracy, starvation and homelessness.

It is said about the Palestinians that they “never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.” At least they are consistent, hobgoblins of mindlessness that they are. Of course their billion Arab brothers want to help them against the Zionist infidels. This is if you define hope as leaving them to rot in their own misery.

Like a government civil service worker on lunch break, I am declaring this not my problem. I just do not care, and I encourage my fellow Americans not to care. Or if we have to pretend to care by saying we care, let’s not do anything about it. We can call this the “Darfur method” of problem solving…it involves making pious speeches and then nothing. It’s kind of like watching an episode of the Sopranos, except even more pointless.

There is violence in Gaza because it is Gaza. Water is wet, the sun rises in the East, and Gangsta Rapper Old Dirty B@stard (rest his dirty soul) beat up his girlfriend. These things are the norm. The Jayson Blair Times may never get the story right, and they may never put important stories on page 1, but every once in awhile they fail to put a non-story on page 1 as well. They are to journalism what Hamas and Fatah are to civilization.

If an eye for an eye makes the world blind, why not just flip this expression on its head and turn a blind eye? Look, not everything in life is worth fixing. The people leading Gaza have only two hobbies…killing Jews and killing each other. Since they will never give up the first hobby, and are unable to learn a third nonviolent hobby, perhaps something safe and boring like golf or macrame, then the second hobby is all that is left.

Let them kill each other or figure it out on their own. I have washed my hands of them, and unlike their hands, mine have no blood on them.

There are too many important things in the world to worry about to deal with these miscreants. It is not even news any more.

eric