THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

This lighthearted column was written before an Earthquake rocked Chile. I have nothing to say about that today until we know more. I hope Hawaii is spared. Like the rest of you, I am praying.

At lunch I am speaking to the Arizona Republican Women’s Federated at their state meeting in Yuma. Then later tonight I am speaking at the Kingman GOP Lincoln Dinner.

Now for a very lighthearted prewritten musing.

Comedian Steven Wright once remarked that he met a blonde Chinese woman who had a bizarre illness. She was a nymphomaniac who was only turned on by Jewish Cowboys. He responded by introducing himself and saying, “Hi, I’m Bucky Goldstein.”

There are very few if any Buck Goldsteins.

When Jimmy Johnson was coaching his football team to back to back Super Bowls, his popular refrain was “How bout them Cowboys!” Yet the players were not Jewish.

Actually, at least one of them was. Offensive lineman Alan Veingrad was on the 1992 championship team, so he was a Jewish Cowboy.

Yet this is not about the team that owns Dallas, Texas. This is about real cowboys.

A country music song once lamented, “I’m tired of make believing…they’re all the things they say…Are there really any cowboys left…in the good old U.S.A.?”

The search for cowboys has been few and far between. Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush were derisively called cowboys,  but they were ranchers, which was the complete opposite.

Trying to find cowboys is like trying to find Jews in certain parts of Arizona. Believe me, I know. While Phoenix and Tucson have Jewish communities, Yuma, Lake Havasu, and Kingman have slightly more Jews than Libya.

While this is discouraging, a Synagogue in Tucson allowed me to find both Jews and cowboys.

This past Friday was Rodeo Friday in Tucson. When the rodeo is in town, kids get off from school. Temple Emanu-El incorporated the rodeo into their Friday night services.

http://wwwtempleemanueltucson.org

This week was Western Shabbos.

Congregants were encouraged to show up in their jeans, belt buckles, and ten gallon hats. They were instructed to check their six shooters at the door.

Rabbi Samuel Cohon led a fun service. He referenced the cowboys of yore, and somehow related it to the Jewish service of the week. It was the first time I can recall Kinky Freedman being part of a service.

The final prayer was “Adon Olam,” as is customary. There are many different versions of it, but I have never heard any prayer Hebrew or otherwise be sung to the tune of “Home on the range.”

Tonight is the Jewish drinking holiday of Purim. Sadly enough, with Tucson in the rear view mirror, the area of Kingman I will be in has almost no Jews. So either I drive to Las Vegas or somewhere else, or sit out partying this year for Purim.

Then again, it has already been an adventure, and that is what life is about.

So thank you Temple Emanu-El. I will be back.

How Bout Them Jewish Cowboys!

eric

The Tygrrrr Express is headed back to Arizona. Politics will have to take the day off, returning tomorrow.

I just drove from Arizona to Los Angeles on February 20th. Only 3 days later, it is time to turn right back around and drive back to Arizona. I have 8 events in 5 days.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010—I will be speaking to the Yuma County Republican Central Committee in Arizona at 7pm. Please contact Cody Beeson for details.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010—At 7am I will be an in studio guest of radio host Russ Clark on KBLU 560AM in Yuma, Arizona.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010—I will be speaking to the Yuma County Republican Women’s Federated in Arizona at lunch. Putter Inn, 1245 West Desert Hills Drive, Yuma 85365. Please contact Anne Booth for details.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010—I will be speaking to the Yuma County Young Republicans in Arizona in the evening. Chretin’s Mexican Food, 16th Street & Arizona Avenue, Yuma, AZ 85364. Please contact Cody Beeson for details.

Thursday, February 25, 2010—I will be speaking to the Pima County Republican Women’s Club in Arizona at 11am at the Sheraton Hotel. 5151 East Grant Rd, Tucson 85712. Please contact Leslie Fromm for details.

Thursday, February 25, 2010—I will be speaking to the Pima County Young Republicans in Arizona in the evening. RESCHEDULED. Details to follow.

Friday, February 26, 2010—I will be speaking to the Pinal Republican Women’s Federated in Tucson, Arizona at 11am. 64500 E Saddlebrook Blvd, Saddlebrook, 85739. Please contact Jo Ann Evans for details.

Saturday, February 27. 2010—I will be speaking at the Arizona Federation of Republican Women State Convention in Yuma at 10:30am at the Radisson Hotel. Details to follow.

Saturday, February 27, 2010—I will be speaking at the Kingman Lincoln Day Dinner near Lake Havasu, Arizona. Please contact Ray Cullison for details.

Politics matters, and the news is the world we live in on a  macro level. Yet on a micro level, life is about living.

Flying down the highway headed West…

In a streak of black lightning, called the Tygrrrr Express.

Eastbound and Down.

See you tomorrow.

eric

The Wheels on the Tygrrrr Express need to be rotated.

I drove yesterday from Las Vegas to Lake Havasu Arizona, participated in a fundraiser, and then drove back to the People’s Republic of Los Angeles. On Tuesday I drive back to Arizona for a swing through the state consisting of 8 events in 5 days.

There is little in the news today, but a couple items shall me mentioned because I feel like it.

In football news, Kyle Boller is the backup quarterback of the St. Louis Rams. The Rams went 1-15 last year. Normally being the backup quarterback on the worst team in football would be a thankless job, but things are already looking up for Mr. Boller. Not only do the Rams have the top pick in the draft, but Mr. Boller has just become engaged to Miss California Carrie Prejean.

I have never met Kyle Boller, but I have met Ms. Prejean. Some people are incapable of separating politics from anything else, so they have a predetermined and uninformed opinion of her. I have met her and gotten to know a member of her family. They are all lovely people. They are nice, gracious, and respectful of others.

I wish Carrie Prejean and Kyle Boller much happiness, and am thrilled for Carrie’s family.

The other people I want to mention today are Kathryn Moore and her husband David.

I met Kathryn Moore when I spoke to the Balboa Bay Republican Women’s Federated in Newport Beach. She and her husband invited me to a fundraiser to benefit the relief effort in Haiti.

While Mr. and Mrs. Moore are both Republicans, this was a non-partisan event. Between the silent auctions, casino games, and world class entertainment from talented musicians, a great time was had by all. Guests paid $500 per plate, as thousands of dollars were raised for Haiti.

I mention this because there seems to be some illusion that Republicans don’t care about people. This myth has been propagated for too long. Good people come from everywhere, and the notion that Kathryn and David Moore are aberrations is nonsense.

Some people talk about compassion. What I saw in Newport Beach was the best of the human spirit. It was also people that put in a ton of hard work. Event planning is not an easy thing to do. As somebody who speaks to crowds, I just have to show up. Kathryn managed to pull together a gala extravaganza. As she would freely admit, she had plenty of help.

Her company is MyStyle 2020. They bring style, grace, and class to people looking to make upgrades to their wardrobe and beyond. I recommend that everybody thank Kathryn for her good work by visiting her site. As you can see from the home page, charity is a big part of her life.

http://www.mystyle2020.com/

Haiti is not a political issue, and as time goes by people tend to forget. This should not happen. Keep helping in any way you can.

As for me, I need to rest up. The ping boll of my existence is only 48 hours away from going back from whence I came.

eric

Today is Snookie Saturday.

For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, don’t worry. I am not sure I have any idea what I am talking about either.

I was watching what I thought was a news program when an entire segment was dedicated to “Snookie.”

I had no idea what, who or why a Snookie was.

Perhaps they meant Snooker. In England they call this game with balls and a felt table snooker. In the former colonies, they call it billiards, or “shooting pool” for slang.

Yet shooting Snookie would be a crime, because she is a person.

I was hoping with Valentine’s Day around the corner that the news was advocating nookie. That I can support. I like nookie with a sweet young cookie any day of the week. Apparently nookie has nothing to do with snookie, although maybe snookie has had nookie. I cannot say.

I know that on television there are constant commercials for the Snuggie. My life was doing just fine before the creation of the Snookie and the invention of the Snuggie. In my day we did not need Snuggies. We had blankets.

(If you are buying Snuggies for your cats and dogs while people worldwide starve, you need a royal @sskicking.)

I was informed that this Snookie person was punched in the face at a bar. I have no idea if she was an innocent victim, or if she mouthed off to the wrong person. Did Snookie get snarky? I know not and care even less.

A guy I went to college with wakes up in the morning, enjoys his own company, and starts the day with a morning prayer reminding him not to do that. His prayer is “Wakey Wakey, hands off Snakey.”

I don’t know if anyone has ever had their hands on Snookie. I had a cookie the other day, but not a Snookie.

At this point some of you are wondering, “why the hell is he talking about this?”

What should I talk about? The Olympics?

This is the first weekend without football, and I am ready to lose my ever loving football mind.

As for this Snookie, I checked Wiki. It only took one clickie, although the bartender made mine a double clickie.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snookie

Apparently there is a television show on MTV. MTV stands for Music Television, and when I was a kid, they actually played music. Apparently the videos I like are now on VH1.

The show is called “Jersey Shore,” which is relocating away from the Jersey Shore. As a New Yorker, I am not sure Jersey is even a state. It is more like a province.

Snookie is a “Guidette” who desires to meet a “Guido.” Italian-Americans are protesting the show, saying that it projects negative stereotypes against Italians. I think they are right, but am not an expert.

I will ask conservative comedian Nick Dipaolo for advice on this one. When some Italians complained about the Sopranos, his response was, “If you want to stop negative stereotypes of Italians, get rid of those Olive Garden commercials. I would rather me known as a mob boss who dates strippers and cheats on his wife then a guy who has a business associate 3000 miles for a meeting and takes him to dinner at the Olive Garden.”

I would rather live in a world where the news is more interested in the War on Terror, so that I do not have to lead the war on nonsense.

Then again, maybe I am part of the problem by mentioning it today.

I am declaring “Snookie” to be the new “Smurf.” It can mean whatever they say it means at any given moment. The Smurfs should not be confused with the Snorks, another cartoon show from the 1980s.

If you disagree with me, go Snookie yourself.

eric

Today is the anniversary of my being. At 6:28pm EST, I turn 38.

For lunch I am spending my birthday speaking to the American River Republican Women’s Federated.

I then hightail it back to Los Angeles for my 8pm birthday party in Beverly Hills.

I met a 12 year old girl yesterday in temple named Julie. Today is her bat mitzvah. I hope she has a successful bat mitzvah.

My Uncle Joey just had a surgical procedure. My birthday wish obviously centers around his health.

As for present, the best present I could ask for besides being surrounded by friends is gorging on the NFL Wildcard games. I predict:

Eagles @ Cowboys–Eagles win

Jets @ Bengals–Bengals win

Packers @ Cardinals–Cardinals win

Ravens @ Patriots–Patriots win

Oh yeah, and to that Republican brunette:

(Insert salacious message here–redacted)

To all of you who have been friends of the Tygrrrr Express, me personally, or both, thank you so much.

I am the luckiest guy in America.

eric

Although the Tygrrrr Express is primarily a political blog during the week, politics took a holiday as 2009 came to a close and 2010 entered.

The year ended with me giving my 2010 Tygrrrr Express State of the Blog Address. The cheers and standing ovations were deafening, as I announced that the state of the Tygrrrr Express is strong.

On New Year’s Day the lads and I had a “guys day in.” It is like a guys night out, except less manly. We all took a nap during the Rose Bowl, and one of the guys chucked masculinity to the winds by wearing a “snuggie” during the game. No, it was not me.

The weekend brought plenty of football, including Week 17 of the 2009 NFL Season.

Next week is my birthday, and I have plenty of speeches in 2010.

Yet this is mainly a political blog, which leaves one question as the first work day of 2010 begins.

Now what?

I mean surely I am going to start the year with something to enthrall you all.

Yeah right. You should have lowered your expectations a couple of years ago.

I could immediately start the first of a billion columns about the 2010 congressional elections.

No.

I could immediately start the first of two billion columns about the 2012 presidential election.

Double no. For the love of all things holy, no.

Tomorrow I will explain why the 2012 nomination is already decided, and then refuse to discuss 2012 until well after the 2010 elections.

Surely I could discuss the health care bill. I mean I could actually bore myself to sleep. When there is an actual bill up for a vote that will either pass or fail, I will wake up.

There is the Climategate scandal. First of all I hate putting the word gate onto every scandal. Call that hategate. Secondly the story will not matter unless something comes out of it, such as a complete shift in public opinion. That may be happening, but it is too soon to tell.

I could talk about the Christmas bombing attempt to blow up an American airliner. After all, that was very serious. Because the plane did not blow up, those on the left that love the smell of their own scents will have learned nothing. Telling you all that those on the left love the smell of their own scents offers nothing new. I don’t want an actual attack, but nothing short of that will wake people up.

Rush Limbaugh went to the hospital with chest pains. He is resting comfortably. That is the whole story. God forbid something would have happened, I could have pointed out the vitriol of the leftist blogs jumping up and down in celebration. The ideological bigotry columns will resume when the actual events occur.

Look, analyzing news on Monday is only possible when things actually happen on Sunday.

The Desperate Housewives episode was depressing, but if you did not watch it that is on you. You don’t deserve a recap. Eva Longoria and Terri Hatcher get paid to frolic around in their undies, and they are very good at it. Instead in this episode we saw Ms. Longoria in a flash forward with hair whiter than Barbara Bush. It was frightening.

A pair of basketball players on the Washington Wizards allegedly pulled guns on each other in the locker room. The team used to be known as the Washington Bullets. The name was changed to give the team a  better image. Once again, Washington, DC, is a bastion of morality. I would say more but I don’t care. They could have shot each other and been done with it.

To the best of my knowledge, no clergy person got caught violating an altar boy this calendar year.

Sure, Palesimians are trying to blow up Israelis, but that is not news.

Sure, Iran is trying to blow up the world, but the people in charge don’t care.

Even Bob Herbert of the Jayson Blair Times put aside his anger at Republicans to focus on the New York Jets. I never thought I would live to see him write a column worth reading, but it was a good article discussing his long history as a loyal fan of his team. It will be the only time I ever identify with him.

I could take a positive approach and say that if we bother to get to know people, they may surprise us.

Let’s do that. If he never writes another column of leftist bile, I will never point it out. He and every other media person gets a clean slate from me.

I will even give the President a clean slate for 2010 until he does something that bothers me. The over/under on that is later today, as soon as he starts speaking.

So as I clear out my Jdate and eharmony caches, and find the time to search for a Republican Jewish brunette to frolic with, I will approach things politically as any moderately responsible person would.

I will wait and see.

If that does not produce anything, i can always engage in some public metaphorical navel gazing, which was pretty much this column.

Now what?

2010. Your guess is as good as mine.

eric