No column has offended people more than my 2007 Hanukkah Column “Light a Candle, Smack a Woman.” Luckily the people that were offended are people that need to be offended. Therefore, I am running it again with 2009 Updates.
What is not to like about Hanukkah? We get to play with fire. It’s like July 4th, except we smacked around Brits instead of Greeks.
Speaking of smacking around, nothing has changed since Hanukkah 2007 except the date. So below I offer Hanukkah tips with 2009 updates on when it is perfectly acceptable to slap around women.
Fresh from a ton of parties on the seventh night of Hanukkah, I now need to prepare for partying on the eighth night. I love this holiday. Since I do not drink alcohol, smoke tobacco, or do drugs, I will stick with my vice of choice…women.
2009 Update: I have spent the first few nights in Sedona, Lake Havasu, and San Francisco, barely dipping my toes into Los Angeles, Phoenix, and parts of Nevada. Judaism is not recession proof, and Bernie Madoff did not help matters. The social calendar in New York and Miami will have to wait until March.
Sticking with women, one of the reasons Judaism is seen as “weak” by outsiders, and why Jewish men are seen as “momma’s boys,” is because our religion emasculates men. Of course we call it “celebrating women,” but it is out and out emasculation of men. We have holidays specifically dedicated to the power of women.
That is another reason to love Hanukkah. It is pure male testosterone. We came, we saw, and we conquered. We kicked some rumpus. Pure military force allowed the Maccabees to just smack around the enemy like they were women in need of a good backside slap.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/man_finally_put_in_charge_of
For those of you wondering why out of nowhere I am deliberately advocating the denigration of an entire gender, just relax, the twist is coming any sentence now.
Ever since the feminist mistake, women have been up in arms looking for ways to exact vengeance on the male gender. It was supposed to be about the right to vote, and equal work for equal pay. Now it is about attempting to destroy men. Unfortunately for the radical feminists (redundant, I know), they are cannibals. They eat their own. They betray each other. They do more to commit violence against their fellow females than most men ever could.
Therefore, in the spirit of Hanukkah, I will describe 8 situations where it is perfectly acceptable to abuse women physically, sexually, or psychologically, one for each night. You can take these women and paddle their backsides, and there will be no consequences, unless gratification is a consequence. Do not worry about the feminists getting angry, which is how they normally go through life. They will allow this abuse to happen. So for those of you out there looking to abuse women, here are the eight acceptable situations.
1) The male sexual predator has to be politically liberal. Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton have carte blanche to abuse women. If the woman ends up dead, it is acceptable, provided that the abuser is pro-choice on abortion. Of course they will be pro-choice, because that way they can be irresponsible and be able to get rid of the evidence. If abortion is not the way to get rid of the evidence, driving over a bridge is plan b. Kathleen Willey and Paula Jones…sorry ladies. The feminists do not care. Anita Hill? No evidence required. Republicans do not get this exemption, even if they are pro-choice. Sorry Bob Packwood.
In fact, the NOW announced that Bill Clinton should be praised because after he tried to get lewd with Kathleen Willey, he did not try a second time. He took no for an answer. Therefore, every man in America gets one free chance to cop a feel.
2009 Update: Eliot Spitzer gets an exemption as well a year later. Not only is he wealthy limousine liberal that rails against the wealthy, but he paid for the sex. Therefore, implied consent from Ashle Dupree renders any rumpus whacking to be obligatory. For $5,000 an hour, I might let Spitzer hit me on the @ss for 6 minutes to get $500 bucks. Ashlee Dupree is now a New York Post columnist, another reason to love that paper.
2) The woman can be a beauty pageant contestant. They are fair game for being violated. Feminists hate beauty queens, due to obvious jealousy. Angry women have more wrinkle lines. Desiree Washington alleged rape against Mike Tyson, and I do not recall any feminist groundswell.
2009 Update: Sarah Palin became the subject of a porn movie called “Nailin’ Palin.” Let’s see Caroline Kennedy be featured in a movie called “Being Mrs. Schlongberg,” and see how funny liberals find it. Every feminist in America that can’t stand being significantly uglier than Sarah Palin inside and outside should get a slap on their rump until they apologize for their vitriol towards the wonderful human being that is Sarah Palin. Carrie Prejean and Stevie Rivenbark have also been abused by “tolerant” leftist bullies.
3) The woman must be politically conservative. Radio djs recently advocated raping Laura Bush and Condoleeza Rice. Stone cold silence. I can advocate taking a paddle to Hillary’s badonkadonk and believe you me the secret service will have something to say about it as soon as they find out what a badonkadonk is.
2009 Update: The “abort Palin” t-shirts were another example of high brow liberal sophistication and wit.
4) Poor and/or ugly women are not given the same protection as attractive women, provided the women are not too attractive as to be in a beauty pageant. If a woman is considered hideously ugly, a man can abuse her because nobody would believe that he would be interested anyway. If the man is considered handsome, then the case is closed. There is no way Bill Clinton could have raped Juanita Broderick. He is considered pleasing to look at, while she is not.
2009 Update: Anybody vile enough to have an adult video of Michael Moore giving a spanking to Rosie O’Donnell should be ashamed of themselves. Whoever you are, you disgust me for even bringing it up.
5) Muslim women can and should be beaten as often as possible. From Detroit to Dubai, from Afghanistan to Zambia, the feminists condone the brutal beating of Muslim women. The feminists really struggle with this one, because they want to be against male violence towards women, but those who abuse the Koran for their own evil purposes also tend to hate republicans, especially George W. Bush. Besides, if they succeed in destroying America, and we become part of the Caliphate, there will be no republicans left. If some women get beaten in the process, such collateral damage is part of a greater good.
2009 Update: Some women were brutally murdered in Mumbai last year. “The Stoning of Soraya M was a powerful story of the abuse women face under Radical Islam. Feminists kept silent in both cases. Normally this would be a good thing, but the one time they should unshut their traps, they say nothing.
6) Non-Muslim women in Muslim nations are entitled to 40 lashes at a minimum. Any woman that allows a teddy bear to be named Mohammed should know better. The feminists of America will not speak up to save her. They will treat her as if she smoked tobacco or caused global warming. To get an exemption, one has to submit to Islam and denounce all republicans, primarily George W. Bush. This how Nancy the Pelosiraptor escaped her lashes. She wore a Burkha, sipped Tea with Assad, and denounced the tyranny of an American President.
2009 Update: Women in Afghanistan are now free from beatings. Liberals would rather condemn George W. Bush and erase his Presidency, allowing these women to get spanked harder than the Pelosiraptor did recently by Obama and Rahm Emanuel. They called the show “Charles in Charge,” not Charlene in Charge.
7) Prostitutes can be beaten. Feminists will go insane when some radio shock jock refers to women as “nappy headed hos.” Some feminists will even criticize music that refers to women as b*tches and hos. Ironically, these same feminists will not stick up for actual hos getting pimp slapped by…well, pimps, I guess. It could be because prostitutes tend to be attractive, and feminists despise women who succeed by being pretty and offering sexuality, whether they be strippers, call girls, etc. Besides, many women have lost their men to these women. Once Hugh Grant cheated on Elizabeth Hurley, aka proof that perfection exists, no woman was safe anywhere.
Before going further, all people are prostitutes. I am a corporate slut. I will not compromise my principles, unless there is money in it for me. I sold out to the establishment for money, and got a decent haircut. The old joke is quite true. A man asks a woman if she will sleep with him for a million dollars, and she says that she would. The man then asks if she would for $10. She responds that she is not a hooker. The man explains to her that, “we’ve already established that you’re a hooker, now we’re just negotiating the price.”
2009 Update: Ashle Dupree is getting no love from the feminists. She got tossed under the bus faster than the male hooker running a prostitution ring out of the house of Barney Frank, and the other male boyfriend running the drug ring out of Barney Frank’s house. Now if Eliot Spitzer was caught having sex with Barney Frank…no, never mind. The left would be angry that they were forced to sneak around rather than get married. The House of Frank is like the House of Saud. They are equally financially corrupt.
8.) Women can be beaten in the movies. After all, the feminists cannot advance their agenda unless society is convinced that every white, conservative investment banker in the movies is busy sexually violating minority women in between drinking oil flavored martinis at lunch and chopping down trees for sport. After all, if both genders actually felt life was getting better between them, the feminists would have no power. They are the angry, white liberal versions of Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. Exacerbating hostility between the genders allows these feminists to have something to do. Most women in Hollywood are liberals, but since Hollywood is about acting, the more liberal the woman on the screen, the more oppressed she is. Only in real life are liberal women protected.
2009 Update: Jesse Jackson threatened to do to Obama what Hillary threatens to do to Bill every night. So Jesse Jackson actually is an angry woman. Obama’s election was the emotional equivalent of a paddling to Jackson, who as of now has been knocked into irrelevance. May he take the equally irrelevant NOW with him.
I want to make it clear that I support women receiving equal pay for equal work. I also support women achieving full equality in society, because if the radical feminists ever do shut up, men and women will be better off. We will not have to listen to women comparing marriage to slavery while secretly praying for flowers and a wedding ring from a strong, smart Adonis who will turn them into paddle Queens.
It is very important that men do not try to physically or sexually abuse women who are politically liberal, the correct amount of attractiveness, or the wrong religion or ethnicity. For those who are still unclear which women are fair game and which women are off limits, Barbara Boxer’s office will be publishing a list of the women she has defended and ignored over the last three decades. The list will be available in Spanish, Braille, and Ebonics. Coincidentally, Ms. Boxer herself is the first woman in the protected column, meaning that conservative republican men should not even think about spanking her liberal hide.
The world now knows the 8 categories of acceptable abuse of womyn, one for each night of Hanukkah. May the men of this world enjoy this testosterone driven holiday, and as for the women of America, I suggest you join a protected group very soon.
Ok, off to find my tennis racket and go visit a certain republican Jewish brunette. Don’t worry sweetie, I will bring some ointment for you after I am done. You may object to this, but you do not have a say. The feminists will not defend you, since your beliefs justify my misogyny.
2009 Update: What is good for the goose is good for the gander golfer. Some golfer with a similar name to my blog cheated on his wife, and she beat the tar out of him with a golf club. Not since Brenda Ritchie beat up Lionel and his girlfriend has a problem been solves with such appropriate violence. The woman did not act like a crying feminist. She got tough, kicked the guy’s hide, and was done with it. Good for her.
As for me, I have no desire to hurt anyone, although I would not mind the radical feminists having their mouths ductaped while I am trying to watch football. They could voluntarily shut up until the commercials, but that has never happened.
The bottom line is either all women should get abused, or none of them should get abused. I prefer none of them get abused. I also prefer to live in a world where feminists actually stop promoting a liberal agenda, and start fighting for all women to be treated with respect. Men and women would both benefit from this.
eric