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Mish Mosh Monday

Monday, December 24th, 2007

For some, tonight will be the eve of a religious holiday. For me it will be a night of pleasure before a day off from work. So let me declare today Mish Mosh Monday and throw many different random things at you, doing my best to sacrifice quality in the process.

First I would like to say that I am not the only warped republican Jewish fellow on the internet. I found a hysterically funny website that combines politics with weekly recaps. However, this fellow does not do NFL recaps. He does alcohol recaps, giving the recipe for a new drink each week. He calls himself “Your Jewish Master,” and he is a riot.

http://yourjewishmaster.blogspot.com/

I thank Laree for introducing me to him.

Before getting to politics, December 24th is the biggest Jewish party night of the year. December 24th used to mean that the only things open for Jews were movie theatres, bowling alleys, and Chinese food places. 20 years ago an entrepreneur created the idea for Jewish dances at ritzy nightclubs all across the country. In some cities it is called “The Matzoh Ball.” In other cities it is called “Schmoozapalooza.” Despite the awful name, these parties get hundreds of young, single Jews, and in some cities gets a few thousand.

Given that I do not like the one in Los Angeles (I know everybody, rumor has it a few bridges are burned), I have spent the last 4 years attending the one in Miami. It makes me want to cry that I will not be in Miami for the 5th straight year. As for why Miami is so amazing…

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/miami-will-smith-is-100-right/

Plan B was to go to San Diego with a friend of mine who is a Broncos fan (yeah, a republican Raider and a liberal Bronco can be friends), and watch the Denver Broncos take on the San Diego Chargers on Monday Night Football. After the game ends, we were going to go to the San Diego Jewish party. Well, the Broncos got knocked out of the playoffs, and my friend understandably decided to save his money. So San Diego went out the window. As for why I like San Diego, one reason is…

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/05/the-san-diego-sorceress/

After debating between Phoenix, Vegas, and other areas, I decided on the Bay Area. A couple weeks ago I entered the Belly of the Beast, San Francisco. In the heart of liberalism, Haight Ashbury, I attended a function that featured hundreds of Jewish republicans. I met a lovely lady at this function, and yes, she is a republican Jewish brunette. While there is a Jewish party in San Francisco, it seems I will be enjoying a fabulous party for two. I fly into the Bay Area at 7pm, plenty of time to pick her up and take her to a fantastic dinner. Forcing myself to be on Frisco soil is a small price to spend time with such a lovely lady. One day later, it is back to LA.

Before getting to the NFL breakdown, my brief focus on politics will be links to previous articles I have written. While my blog has grown exponentially, columns I wrote early on may (or may not) be worth posting again. Some will be lighthearted, others deadly serious.

http://blacktygrrrr.wordpress.com/2007/03/31/the-iraq-war-legally-morally-right-then-now/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/dick-cheney-and-the-wyoming-jewish-cabal/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/destroying-the-jewish-people-one-schoolteacher-at-a-time/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/liberals-can-run-and-they-can-hide/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/03/detroit-arabs-automobiles-and-awful-football/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/05/ron-paul-sean-paul-john-paul-and-rupaul-which-one-is-the-least-coherent/

Enough politics. I shall now break down the 2007 NFL playoff picture. First of all, here are my predictions from the beginning of the season.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/09/2007-nfl-predictions/

For those wanting more on the NFL playoffs, go to www.nfl.com

My breakdown is below.

In the NFC, the East winning Dallas Cowboys at 13-2 have locked up the # 1 seed and home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Before going any further, Coach Wade Phillips is a lovable country bumpkin like his father Bum Phillips. I say that in a completely endearing way. He had a fabulous quote in the LA Times about the whole Tony Romo-Jessica Simpson controversy.

“A lot of our players have girlfriends, wives, and significant others. Some of them may have both.” Three categories normally does not equal both, but at 13-2, Wade can say anything he likes. Plus, like his dad, he is so d@ng likable.

The North winning Green Bay Packers at 12-3 have locked up the # 2 seed and the other first round bye.

The West winning Seattle Seahawks at 10-5 are the # 3 seed. They will host the # 6 seed, which is undetermined at this time.

The South winning Tampa Bay Buccaneers at 9-6 are the # 4 seed. They will host the New York Giants.

Jon Gruden rested his players at halftime, and gave up a chance at the # 3 seed. This might not be so crazy given that if they win their Wildcard matchup, they would travel to Dallas and play indoors, rather than deal with the frozen tundra of Green bay.

The East Wildcard New York Giants at 10-5 are the # 5 seed. They will be at the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

The # 6 seed is up for grabs. The Washington Redskins and Minnesota Vikings at 8-7 are both alive, as are the New Orleans Saints, hanging by a thread at 7-8. If the Redskins win next week, they are in the playoffs. The Redskins have a tough game, hosting the Dallas Cowboys. However, Dallas has wrapped up the conference, and may rest everybody. If the Redskins lose, and the Minnesota Vikings go into Denver and beat the Broncos, then Minnesota reaches the playoffs. The Broncos have nothing to play for, but Mile High is tough. If Washington and Minnesota both lose, and the Saints go into Chicago and beat the Bears, all 3 teams would be 8-8, and the Saints, who started 0-4, would make the playoffs. They would be only the second 0-4 team to do so, following the 1992 Chargers. Lastly, if all 3 teams lose, the Saints at 7-9 would be out, and the Redskins would have the tie breaker over the Vikings based on beating them last night. Whoever gets in would be at Seattle.

 

In the AFC, the East winning New England Patriots at 15-0 have locked up the # 1 seed and home field advantage throughout the playoffs. While normally a team would rest everybody in this situation, the chance to reach immortality at 16-0 could lead them to play the last game. They host the NY Giants, who instead of fighting for their lives, have nothing to play for given their comeback win yesterday.

The South winning Indianapolis Colts at 13-2 have locked up the # seed and the other first round bye.

The West winning San Diego Chargers at 10-5 are currently the # 3 seed.

The North winning Pittsburgh Steelers at 10-5 are currently the # 4 seed.

Both the Steelers and Chargers have games the last week against bad teams, but they are both on the road, and the teams hate their respective guts. The Steelers are at the Ravens, and the Chargers are at the Raiders. Usually being # 3 or # 4 does not matter. Some would want to avoid the Patriots at all costs, but going into Indy is pretty daunting. Pick your poison.

The South Wildcard Jacksonville Jaguars at 11-4 are the # 5 seed. They are dangerous, and might have a better record against either team they play. They could care less whether they are at Pittsburgh or San Diego.

The # 6 seed is only between two teams. The Tennessee Titans and the Cleveland Browns are both 9-6. As strange as this sounds, even though they have the same record, the Browns game does not matter. They host the San Francisco 49ers, but their fate is entirely based on the Titans, who host the Indianapolis Colts Sunday night, the last regular season game of the year. If both teams win and go 10-6, the Titans are in. If both teams lose and go 9-7, The Browns are in. Therefore, the Titans control their own destiny, yet they have to win even if the Browns lose. While the Colts are tough, they have wrapped up their # 2 seed and may rest everybody.

The Miami Dolphins have wrapped up the # 1 pick in the draft at 1-14, and now are officially Dolphin Safe Tuna, now that Bill Parcells has taken over the job of President. He is expected to fire everybody except owner Wayne Huizenga.

The St. Louis Rams, Atlanta Falcons and New York Jets are all 3-12. The Kansas City Chiefs, San Francisco 49ers, and Oakland Raiders are all 4-11, with the Baltimore Ravens at 4-10. So for all the Oakland Raiders fans out there, the Silver and Black could have the # 2 pick in the draft, or slide down to the # 8 pick. To go 4-12 and still pick 8th…an incredible…and possible…indignity.

For those of you not celebrating a holiday tomorrow, I hope you spend every waking minute reading my blog. To quote the hilarious southern comedian Anthony Clark, “To the Jews, Happy Hanukkah, to the Christians, Merry Christmas, and to the Atheists…well…hope you win the lottery, dude.”

Do not drink and drive, for you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

I wish you all happiness, health, and wealth. Tis the season of miracles, and this will be the day where people may one day read about a miracle for generations to come. No, not the long haired fella…a different miracle by a different long haired fella…yours truly. The night a Jewish republican prince (ok, an outlaw) romanced a republican Jewish brunette princess in San Francisco.

Hopefully we can have dinner in Oakland, sneak into the Oakland Alameda County Coliseum, and get wild either in the Raiders locker room or on the swashbuckling Raiders logo on the 50 yard line.

Or we can just get through dinner and like each other enough to date again.

eric

Posted in POLITICS, SPORTS, Uncategorized, WOMEN | 2 Comments »

My non-interview with Julia Allison

Saturday, December 1st, 2007

julia-allison-with-laptop.jpg

“Have Laptop, Will Pose. With Laptop. Awkwardly. 

I agree, The Blogger-With-Laptop Photos Are Super Lame.

Really, doesn’t anyone own a desktop anymore??

Obviously I would NEVER pose in such a cheesy … oh, crap.

Actually, I hate the above photo, not just because it’s a totally obnoxious, ginormous cliche but because the shocking truth is, I don’t actually look like that when I write. For one, I use both hands. Also, I never lay on my stomach. Finally, I’m usually naked. Okay, okay – wearing granny panties. Sorry, it’s true. Ask The (Ex) Boyfriend.

Anyway, my web guy refuses to return emails or phone calls, so I can’t get the damn photo removed until I convince some nice techy to help me. HELP!!!!”

The above beauty, brains, and self deprecating nature belong to Julia Allison.

I have never met Julia Allison. She is an enigmatic pig in a mysterious blanket. Actually, she is gorgeous, but I was thinking about pigs in blankets before writing this column. Hey, it’s football season, I get distracted easily.

Anyway, back to one thing that can distract me from football and mini-hot dogs, that being the lovely Julia Allison. She is the loveliest Julia on Earth with the sexiest voice now that Julia Child (rest her soul) is no longer with us. Ok, enough thinking about food. She might be the loveliest Alison as well (If this is the best I can come up with, no wonder this interview did not occur).

I contacted her several months before I became a blogger since I saw her on tv, thought she was hot, and remembered that I like hot girls. After I became a blogger, my thoughts turned from potential romance (one directional mind you) into doing an interview with her. She was friendly, gracious, sarcastic (a major smart @ss), and very busy.

Also, given that my blog is political, which is not her area of expertise, and her career is the entertainment industry, of which I know zippity-nada, there was a disconnect.

At some point during our email exchanges, I realized that they were more entertaining than my actual interview questions, which were more routine.

For those who want to know more about Julia Allison, go to

www.juliaallison.com

She is bright and funny. Given that she seems to blog about every aspect of her life, I can only say that she is almost as shameless a self promoter as I am, although with much better hair. Yes, she has a lot to say, but I find her entertaining, which is good given that she is in the entertainment industry. Also, she has something in common with Puff Daddy, or whatever that fellow calls himself lately. They both do many things, are often on tv, have many talents, and I have no idea what they actually do.

She has a dating column. She is dating somebody, but I have no evidence the column led to the relationship. She also works at Star Magazine. I am in an office all day, and people are not exactly sure what I do, so perhaps she is just so successful that trying to explain it would not do it justice. Or perhaps, she clearly explained it on her blog, and “el dorko” aka yours truly, was too busy reading it while watching tv to figure out the obvious.

Also, some of the comments are in larger type. This is not in any way for emphasis. I just have no idea how to change the bloody fonts.

Anyway, below are my interactions with the funny, cool, girl known as Julia.

“Julia,

I watched your appearance on Hannity and Colmes.

After watching your commentary, all I can say is (redacted g-rated pleasant comment). My compliments.”

I redacted the comments for reasons that are nobody else’s business. That is why they are redacted to begin with. She replied.

“Eric – that was incredibly sweet. Thank you.”

I should have let it go at that, but then I remembered a few days later that she was hot. So I figured I would ask her out.

“Julia,

You’re welcome. I travel a lot, so when not traveling I am a homebody. Tonight when watching H & C I thought ‘what the heck…’

At the risk of having the grace and subtlety of a battering ram, I would like to get to know you better, and take you out to dinner if that works for you.”

For those who started the rumor that she and I are the people that the tv show “How I met your mother” is based on, please stop it. It is not true. Then again, to quote Jack Nicholson, “I can’t handle the truth!” The truth is below.

“Hi Eric – thank you so much for the sweet email. I’m actually living with someone, so I’m going to have to decline your very generous invitation. I hope all is well with you! julia”

“El dorko” responded to her.

“Julialah,

As much as I would like to be delusional and think by ‘living with someone’ you mean a roommate or perhaps your great Aunt Edna, I suspect you have a boyfriend. To quote the Killerz, ‘somebody told me, you had a boyfriend, who looked like a girlfriend, that I had in February of last year…it’s not confidential…I’ve got potential (no idea why I like that song).’

Anyway, I cannot imagine him having a career since if I was him, I would not want to leave the apartment, except to rush to 7-11 for snacks. I will say hello from time to time (3-4 times a year) just because I think you are hilarious…your blog cracked me up (in a good way).”

One of Julia’s worst qualities is her annoying ability to be concise and to the point. Anything she can elaborate in a sentence, I can condense into three paragraphs. She is very sharpwitted.

“3-4 times a year, eh? Are you putting me into your blackberry reminders?”

For the record, I do not own a blackberry, and am totally confused by all these networks the young people use from My tube to your face to space place book to Space Ghost Coast to Coast to the Great Space Coaster. I have no idea what I just said.

I contacted her a few months later.

“Julia,

No blackberry for me…timing was random. Happy 4th! I started blogging 3 months ago, and it has really taken off. It is more political than entertainment related. If you are ever open to doing an interview for my blog by email, that would be nice.

eric”

She was receptive.

“I wouldn’t mind doing an interview! Send me the questions whenever you get a chance.
Have a wonderful 4th!”

A couple weeks went by after I sent questions asking her about politics, entertainment, and other subjects. I tend to ask detailed questions. I also told her that a picture of her riding a horse reminded me of a Charlie Sheen movie “Hot Shots,” when he tells the female love interest, “When I saw you grab the reigns, hold on tight, and ride that animal for all it was worth…I never wanted to be a horse so much in life.” She replied.

“EG! So so so sorry. Your interview questions have been pushed into the deep hole that is my inbox, but I’m flying out to SF tonight and will answer them on the plane. How’s THAT for service!

Glad you enjoyed the horse ;)”

A few days later the questions were still not done. I contacted her again.

“Julialah,

The airlines are so slow lately. I feel terrible that you are still stranded at the airport.

eric :)”

“Ha! TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THIS!!!

Thanks for reminding me. :)”

A few more days went by, so I decided a different approach, as the host of a fictional talk show with her as the guest.

“My guest today is Julia Allison, looking spectacular at age 65. I remember when we first started corresponding 4 decades ago. Julia, Tell the audience how we know each other…it’s so funny.

‘Well eric, you were a blogger back in 2007, and you sent me these 20 questions. Things got hectic, but in 2045 I found the email and immediately contacted you. Your schedule was filled to the brim with emails about Viagra, mortgage refinancing, and Christian debt relief. You should check your email more often. It took you two years to find my email reply, but the picture of me wearing granny panties had you hotter than Greg Gutfield at a Bea Arthur keg party. You invited me on your show again, and the rest is history.’

Julia, I am prepared to name you my 3rd best friend in the 5th grade if you complete this task already.”

Her response…what can I say? The girl is funny. I suspect in real life she gets away with everything with a few eyelash bats. I was tempted to bat my eyelashes and have her obey my every command, but she had no idea what I looked like, and standing in front of the mirror practicing my eyelash bats seemed kind of metrosexual, which is so 2003.

She replied.

“HA! That’s what you get for sending me TWENTY HARD QUESTIONS!”

I then came to the conclusion that has riveted everybody since the first word.

“Personally I think the emails back and forth between us are hilarious enough to be an article in itself, but I prefer sticking to the formulaic 20 questions format.”

She then gave me the answer that I remember hearing from girls in Junior High School when I asked them why they objected to me asking them to wear a steak necklace on our dates. I do not know Julia’s position on this romantic suggestion.

“Hi Eric, I just don’t have time to answer these questions, I’m so sorry.”

I honestly was not bothered by this. She is a busy woman, and her intentions were good. I wish she had answered the questions, but as I said, the back and forth tete a tete gave me more insight into her personality than her view on whether or not we should bomb other nations in ascending order with Algeria or descending order with Zimbabwe. Foreign policy is complex.

A few days ago, as I stayed awake due to gastronomical goblins (my midnight soda sugar high had not worn off), I broached her with publishing our exchanges. Also, I noticed that she was seeking feedback from people for her dating column.

“Julia,

I was going through some old emails, because as lame as this sounds, when I need ideas for weekend columns, they give me ideas. Anyway, Here is a bizarre g-rated request. Although scheduling did not work out in terms of me officially interviewing you, some of our email exchanges were pretty d@ng funny. I was thinking of publishing them as a non-interview interaction. Lastly, I may or may not subscribe to your dating feedback thingie. All I ask is if I give feedback that is completely idiotic but well intentioned, redact my name and spare my parents any further grief.

Thanxalotsa,

eric :)”

She gave the go ahead

“Ha, go ahead.”

Ta da! I went ahead.

As I said, I am not sure exactly what she does, but whatever it is, she does it well.

I would mention that she is Jewish, but then my parents would ask questions I care not to answer. So in all fairness, Julia Allison is not the only one who chooses not to answer questions from tough sources.

She does have a reputation to keep after all. It is for this reason I refuse to place my picture online. The paparazzi will drive me crazy, and ask me questions that would be better answered just reading my blog.

Oh, wait, that would be Julia. Read the blog. She is a riot.

If this were a live interview, I would lean over just as the band is segueing to commercial and pretend to say provocative things the audience would never hear. When the transcript was mailed to fans (does anyone buy those show transcripts?), it would contain the word best used to describe Julia.

The word is…(redacted).  :)

Stay you my dear.

eric

Posted in Uncategorized, WOMEN | 9 Comments »

Black Friday–Calling Gloria Gaynor

Friday, November 23rd, 2007

Black Friday was a black as midnight hell for the Tygrrrr Express, seeing as my internet was down all day.

First of all, to those who find that on rare occasions I am slow to approve comments, don’t take it personally. We are all at the mercy of this dubya dot com gov org type stuff. If you are a liberal, knock off the conspiracy theories. I will not make any effort to prove to you that I am fair. I don’t have to do so. Your opinion will not change my blog. For those who are frequent visitors and commenters on my blog, I do regret the delay.

Just know that getting back online cost me a new modem, since the one I had was apparently FUBAR.

Yes, against my will, my desire to do my column forced me out of the house on a day when I would have rather stayed in and relaxed, which is almost every day. I had to go out on Black Friday. Like Gloria Gaynor, I survived.

I have learned several things about life since I first started going online.

One thing I am sure of is that it is not possible…repeat not possible…to have a serious conversation with a potential romantic partner over instant messenger.

Try it, and see the situation blow up like a liberal after finding out conservatives legally have a right to exist.

Instant messenger may be real time, but it is not real life. You cannot convey feelings, emotions, and facial expressions this way. The potential for misunderstanding is ginormous. I have had women get angry at me for everything from being too slow to answer (the phone rang) to being unable to answer (spilled a beverage, had to clean it up). Women who are pleasant on instant messenger can still be a nightmare in real life, but women who are hostile on instant messenger will not be normal or pleasant outside of the computer.

I received an im from one wack job who declared “I have reached a decision on whether or not I should get to know you. Call me or im me to know what decision I reached.” This was 24 hours after listening to her scream on the telephone about something that was consequential to her and nobody else on this Earth.

I responded by replying, “You were a complete b*tch last night. Take your decision and stick it somewhere tight. Done.”

Now as much as I do hate having to speak in such a salty manner, fighting with people over instant messenger is nonsensical.

Yet as awful as it is to have to deal with a progesterone attack by im, this is not nearly as bad as not having the ability to im at all. I need internet access to get done many things in my life. Some people ask what I do about internet access when I go camping, and my response is that while I have heard of this camping thing, I was unaware of what it actually is, and I have no desire to learn.

A power failure on Thanksgiving destroyed my internet access. After talking to people in India, I again began to get the feeling that maybe Lou Dobbs is not wrong. I pictured Purvez Musharraf of Pakistan releasing a mushroom cloud over all of India, forcing my ISP to hire American tech support people.

I am not proud of feeling this way. I just know that anybody who restricts my ability to use the internet in my own home must be shot on sight.

I hung out with my close friend today, and while we were hanging out I took the time out to hit on the girl at the next table. The woman was gorgeous, intelligent, and incredibly enjoyable to converse with. Even I was surprised at my ability to be a pleasant conversationalist given that the moment she left I went back to thinking about ways to ban all immigrants from working tech support jobs. If they want to pick vegetables, I can live with that. For one thing, I hate vegetables, so I would not be impacted.

For those who think this is immigrant bashing, just know that white Americans born and raised in America who speak perfect English will feel an equal amount of wrath if my internet access gets jacked up and they either caused the problem or are unable to fix it.

My plan was to go to the mall today, and observe soccer moms engaging in road rage with their shopping carts in an attempt to teach their children about peace and love by cursing each other out so they can get the last supply of a toy that they need to bribe their children with because the toy companies demand that this be done.

So yes, I was going to spend the day observing angry humans and their behaviors. I did not expect or desire to be my own case study.

The bottom line is that unlike other lucky individuals, I depend on the internet for much of my needs. Yes, the only reason I got internet access a decade ago was to meet cybersluts, and to try and turn them into phone sluts and real life humping around. However, going on Ebay allows me to avoid the malls (yes, the food courts are awesome, but my neighborhood just opened a Taco Bell today, so the food court has some competition). Jdate allows me to make sure that potential concubines are of the Hebrew faith. I can track my stocks online, and most importantly, analyze the National Football League before, during, and after the games.

At 6:45pm, I was able to check my email, which told me about a dinner party starting at 6:30pm. The world would have survived like Gloria Gaynor if my Friday night was pure suckville, but the world is better off when I am in a good mood. Trust me on this one. Luckily, the Hebrew community has something called “Jewish Standard Time,” which means running late is allowed.

I tried to stop at the 7-11 to get something for the dinner, and my desire to blame the clerk behind the counter for not having what I needed was overruled by the police officer hanging out stereotypically right near the donuts. To make the night complete, my former roommates showed up, and in 60 seconds reminded me why I evicted them. It was ironic I saw them on this very day, since I bought a new webcam to replace the one they destroyed. I would sell these two girls into slavery (yeah, I lived with a couple women, it was not fun, never again outside of romance), but there would not be any takers.

I got to the dinner in the nick of time, and was shocked to find out that they needed somebody to give a 5 minute lecture on any relevant topic. Given 5 minutes to prepare, I spoke about Jewish assimilation into American culture, and whether or not this was good or bad for the Jewish community.

The lecture went over well, and the night was complete with a Karaoke session. Although I did not pick the song, Gloria Gaynor’s “I will survive,” was sung by many in the room.

I did not sing or dance, because as the Kevin Kline movie “In n Out” reminds us, “Men don’t dance. They work. They drink. They have bad backs. Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t dance (True Lies notwithstanding). Arnold can barely walk.

The song is also used in the Keanu Reeves movie “The Replacements,” which is about football, making it one of the best movies ever made.

So while decent society benefitted from my suffering, I was just glad that Black Friday came to a miserable close without me going postal.

I know that other people worry about things like homelessness, hunger, and other issues that have nothing to do with my DSL connection, I am sure God will smack me around when it is time for him to do so. As long as I am on Earth, I am going to focus on my struggles.

Today was a rough one, and at first when my connection to the internet did not work, I was afraid. In fact, I was petrified. My ISP did me wrong, and I had no idea how I would get along.

Yet now I am back…in cyberspace. I need to find a cyberslut and get that look upon her face. I need to continue writing schlock, I need to continue babbling about me, I need to write about Iraq, and then scream at my ISP.

I still hate Al Queda more than my ISP, but it’s a close vote.

Then again, I did not have to brave the mall today. So between seeing my friend, meeting a hot girl, and having a lunch filled with red meat and loaded potatoes, the day could have been worse. Besides, despite the Indian conspiracy against me, my internet access is back.

Like Gloria Gaynor, I made it through the blackest of Black Fridays. I survived.

eric

Posted in POLITICS, Uncategorized | 9 Comments »

Walruses in sports

Wednesday, November 21st, 2007

Several months ago I analyzed whether or not C3PO was homosexual, and what the political orientation of the Fraggles were. For those who wonder what else guys discuss when watching the game, a frequent topic of conversation in my home is which people involved in sports look like walruses.

While nobody will ever reach the mythical of status of the Monopoly Guy or Wilford Brimley, hefty mustachioed men deserve their own exclusive club. Since America loves winners, only champions are allowed in this arbitrary walrus club. Having said that, the list has been compiled after years of debate.

Craig Stadler–The original sports walrus. Golf may be boring, but he has passed his gift onto his son Kevin, who insists he is not the Walrus. He should not be confused with Statler from the Muppets, who was not a walrus, but did hang out with a Waldorf, while criticizing the show from the balcony. They were armchair quarterbacks, which is a sport. I forget which one had the mustache.

Jerry Reuss–This mainstay of the Los Angeles Dodgers deserves to be one of the original sports walruses.

After that, like a bushy mustache, the list gets fuzzy. First, we turn to the National Football League.

Mike Holmgren, Head Coach, Seattle Seahawks and Green Bay Packers–Definitely a walrus. In the NFL, he is the Walrus. Legend has it that in the mid 1990s, he was trying to lecture Brett Favre on the sidelines when Favre started spacing out. It was a snowy day in Green Bay, and icicles had frozen Holmgen’s mustache. After repeatedly asking Favre whether he wanted to run or pass, and then saying he was going to shake Favre if he did not say something, Favre replied, “Coach, you should see your mustache.” In addition, Holmgren has won a Super Bowl. All Hail the Holmgren.

Andy Reid, Head Coach, Philadelphia Eagles–Walrus Lite. I am hesitant to upgrade him to full walrus status, since the Eagles have yet to win a Super Bowl. He is Walrus Lite, not Walrus Light, because as one friend says, “There is nothing light about Andy Reid.” Upon his winning a championship, he will get the full walrus upgrade.

Brad Childress, Head Coach, Minnesota Vikings–Can we have a bald walrus? A check of the rules says that nothing prohibits this. However, he needs to pack on 100 pounds or so. Also, he needs to make the playoffs, much less win a Super Bowl. Given that being on Mike Holmgren’s staff allows Andy Reid to be Walrus Lite, Brad Childress being a former member of Andy Reid’s staff allows him to have the moniker of “Walrus III.”

Shifting to the National Hockey League, Ken Hitchcock is a walrus. He did not win with the Philadelphia Flyers, but he did win with the Dallas Stars. One point of contention was that he eventually shaved his mustache. Nevertheless, he did have one when he won the Stanley Cup, and he could grow it back. As one of my friends says, “That is a man in need of a low carb diet.” He gets grandfathered in, since many grandfathers are heavy fellows with mustaches.

With regards to Major League Baseball, Rollie Fingers does not get to join Jerry Reuss. If it were a handlebar mustache competition, Rollie would win hair down. The guy had plenty of saves, but never packed on the pounds. This is not the 1960s. This is the Bush administration, and mustaches must be bushy.

The National Basketball Association, thanks to Michael Jordan, should be renamed the National Bald Association. Again, if this were a club for bald guys, the NBA would win lack of hair down. However, these guys are simply too folliclely challenged to receive entry.

Shifting back to the National Football League, a question came up about whether there could be black walruses. A reading of the rules did not show any prohibitions. The problem then became that no black coach had won a championship until Tony Dungy, whose kindness makes him closer to a baby seal than a walrus. However, in the spirit of the “Rooney Rule” that has increased minority hiring, it is fair to say that the lack of black hiring gave black coaches a much slower start on winning Super Bowls. Therefore, the championship exemption can be waived for a qualified black walrus.

While former Oakland Raiders Coach Art Shell and Former Vikings and Cardinals Coach Dennis Green present strong applications, their trips to the playoffs were less than stellar.

Art Shell did get to the AFC Title Game, but lost 51-3. Dennis Green lost virtually every playoff game he was in, and the NFC Title Game against the Giants was a 41-0 defeat. Also, the 1998 Vikings collapse to the Atlanta Falcons was inexcusable.

Also, Art Shell and Dennis Green had talent. Mike Holmgren and Andy Reid took over losers. Therefore, starting from scratch earns more prestige. NBA Coach Phil Jackson is more Zen-Mastery than walrusy, but he is too thin, and started with too much, 9 championships notwithstanding.

Therefore, the first Black Walrus belongs to a man who has done so much with so little. Congratulations Romeo Crennel. It took a double doinker and a multi minute delay, but these Cleveland Browns have reincarnated the old Cardiac Kids. You have several rings as an assistant coach, and while assistant rings do not count (Art Shell and Dennis Green have them), all you had when you started were some nondescript people wearing the Cleveland uniforms, and some very passionate fans in the Dawg Pound. Your blue collar team keeps fighting, and even if it takes Phil Dawson 10 minutes to make a field goal, that game will be replayed 100 years from now.

Life is about legacies, and Super Bowls notwithstanding, you are the coach who presided over the double doinker win. It was not the greatest game ever played, but then again 2007 is not 1958. Congratulations Mr. Crennel. You are a walrus.

If His Royal Hairness could just get a comb and fix whatever that thing on his head is, Boxing Promoter Don King could be the most verbose walrus on the planet. Speaking of fixing, Don King could fix this contest as well, but so far there is no evidence of his trying to rig the walrus standings.

For sports announcers, Paul Maguire is absolutely a walrus. He is a champion for his one liners at the expense of Joe Theismann for so many years.

At some point in the future, political walruses will be discussed. Saddam Hussein will not be included because genocidal lunatics are denied initiation into this friendly furry club.

All acknowledge and beam with pride over walruses in sports everywhere.

Koo Koo Ke Choo.

eric

Posted in SPORTS, Uncategorized | 5 Comments »

Warped fake headlines

Saturday, November 17th, 2007

To the detriment of decent society everywhere, I as a blogger am not part of any current writer’s strike.

Somebody once asked me what I would do if I had writers block. Thankfully this almost never happens, but when it does, I can always dip into the vault of my memory bank and pull out the bizarre warped thoughts that make me so special in a “little yellow back of the bus” kind of way.

Fake headlines are more fun anyway. Jack Nicholson reminds me that I “can’t handle the truth!” Stephen Colbert has a fake news show. “The Onion” has brilliant fake headlines.

My favorite fake headlines came in an episode of “Newhart” back in the 1980s. Desperate to increase ratings, the sleazy character played by Peter Scolari came up with fake news headlines to attract viewers.

“President dead, details at 11.” It was a documentary on Calvin Coolidge.

“GM cars being recalled. Details at 11.” There was an old guy reminiscing. “I recall when I bought my GM truck back in 1972. It was blue.”

I think of fake headlines because I wonder what screws came loose to cause me to think about this stuff. Anyway, here are some fake news stories. Unlike CBS memos, they are not “fake but accurate.” They are fake and inaccurate. Unlike the slogan for Fox News, I remain, “Fair, but completely unbalanced (in more ways than one).”

I don’t care what anybody says. Anita Hill was lying. She did not get sexually harassed by Isaiah Thomas. It is one thing to blame him for the Knicks being a terrible franchise, but why can’t Miss Hill mind her own d@mn business? For all you doubting Thomases out there, I am not doubting the Thomases. Clarence was innocent of harassing Ms. Hill, and so is Isaiah. Additionally, so is Susan Thomases, although given her affiliation with the Clinton campaign, she knows somebody who harassed somebody.

I know all about Dick Cheney’s hunting trip, and it is not true. He did not shoot Dan Quayle. I know politics is rough, and primaries can get vicious, but neither of them are running for President this year, and there was plenty of room for both of them to be Vice President, just not at the same time. He did not shoot Mr. Quayle, stuff him into a bag, and deliver him home for dinner. Mr. Cheney is not a cannibal, and Mr. Quayle is perfectly fine. The fact that he is not in the news lately is because unlike some politicians who refuse to go away, he is married to a hot woman, and now has time for quiet time with her.

Despite having perfect hair, Presidential Candidate John Edwards does not speak to the dead. Yes, as a trial lawyer, he pretended to speak to dead victims to win large awards and bankrupt hospitals. However, the closest he has come to speaking to the stiffs are his conversations with Al Gore and John Kerry. In even more disturbing news, the other John Edwards does not have perfect hair.

O.J. Simpson is not a fan of Guns n Roses, and they could care less of him. Yes, the guitarist is Slash, and he does slash and burn, but only with his guitar. The only thing he has ever killed is his own body, and usually in the form of violent hard drinking. Both of these men had autobiographies get prepared recently, but only Slash made it to the marketplace.

Despite George Clooney being one of the scariest people on Earth, the man who put the looney in Clooney, he is not in the same situation as psycho Norman Bates. While Norman Bates and his mother were the same person, George and Rosemary are two different people. Rosemary may have had girth, but her proportions were miniscule compared to George’s ego. In other left wing news about irrelevant liberals, Olympia and Michael Dukakis are not the same person either. As awful as he was as the governor of Taxachussetts, he never did anything as wretchedly bad as Steel Magnolias. In all fairness, Olympia only gets 17-20% of the blame for that movie. Given that he lost the election 20 years ago, this joke is as outdated as a Fried Green Tomato.

Barry Bonds’s middle name is not “bail.” He is absolutely not opening up a bail shop for other sports felons known as “Bonds’s Bonds.” While he does have an interesting storyline, it is not true that this is a sad day for baseball because baseball has a much sadder storyline, that being that the game of baseball itself is incredibly boring. Also, it is a complete lie that in an effort to promote racial healing, Dog the Bounty Hunter will be pursuing Barry Bonds.

Michael Jordan will not be changing his initials or giving himself a middle name to avoid having the same initials as Michael Jackson or Marion Jones. Jordan is the original MJ, and as of now he has not been accused of doping up young children and then molesting them. It is an outrage that just because he played on a team with Dennis Rodman that he has to be treated as a drain on society.

General David Petraeus is not doing product endorsements for Viagra, and he resents his wife being interviewed and asked if “the surge is working” since he started medicating. The man is trying to win the War on Terror, and if you were surrounded by terrorists who think goats are life partners, you would miss your wife more than normal as well.

Former NBA basketball player Kerry Kittles may have the most adorable name in all of sports (With Kelly Tripucka being the most grossly named), he is not doing product endorsements for “Hello Kitty” products. He has not appeared on any merchandise with a cute little duck known as “Ahiru No Pekkle.” Also, he did not get the prized cat food endorsement that some athletes crave. Therefore, he did not earn the nickname of Kerry “Tender Vittles” Kittles.

Lastly, just because I am a republican willing to cross party lines to get some 13th century style loving does not mean I ever tried to take a backhand to Hillary’s badonkadonk. I never tapped it, slapped it, wrapped it, or zapped it, and despite rumors to the contrary, I bet Bill Clinton did. After all, they have a daughter. Also, while Christie Hefner is politically left wing, she does not put older bottoms ahead of the bottom line, regardless of political affiliation. That is why republican Shannon Doherty posed for playboy, while Hil-Dawg remains a Larry Craig fantasy, with toe tapping being one step on the path to hide slapping.

No, I did not mail it in, even though the post office was open today. I emailed it in. I would apologize for this column, but rumors have it that if I apologized for every column that was disappointing, I would have no columns. Of course, that is false as well. Like a blinking VCR, I am sure I wrote something intelligent somewhere at some point.

eric

Posted in POLITICS, SPORTS, Uncategorized | 30 Comments »

My Most Passionate Fan Base

Tuesday, November 13th, 2007

For those who read my blog on a semi regular basis, I competed in the Bloggers Choice Awards for best political blog. I fought the Daily Kossacks, and took them down, finishing in the top three, as Kos finished fourth. Two days after the contest ended, a ton of my votes were invalidated. This was not a left wing conspiracy, but it was in my mind a computer glitch. I asked my audience to make their presence known.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/10/voting-irregularities-at-the-bloggers-choice-awards/

My lord, did you ever!

You sent emails, you made phone calls, and you let the people putting on the Bloggers Choice Awards know that you mattered. This was not about me. It was about each and every one of you.

Two days before the event, I was on the phone with the CEO of the company putting on the awards show. The conversations were civil and cordial, and while there was not 100% agreement, he made it clear that he got the message. He understood that this was controversial. We spoke at length, and a compromise was reached that I was perfectly ok with. I was asked not to disclose the details until after Saturday night, and between NFL Sunday and Veteran’s Day, I held off until today.

Daily Kos did not win the award for best political blog. For this everybody who has a sense of decency can be thankful. Even if all my votes had counted, there is no guarantee I would have been # 1, only that I had defeated the Kossacks. I expected the winner to be a guy named Angry Harry, but although he was the frontrunner the whole time, the second place person stormed to a win. The site is Feministing, a combination between Feminism and Fisting. Hey, they are not delicate flowers. They are the polar opposite of me, but that makes the world goes round. Also, unlike the Kossacks, they do not spread hatred, not even of men.

So Feministing won for best political blog…but I won as well. The person behind the Bloggers Choice Awards felt giving me the political award would not be fair, and plus, I did not want a tainted award. I wanted an award I had earned. Therefore, he explained to me that with complete credibility that THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS IS THE 2007 BLOGGERS CHOICE AWARDS WINNER FOR “MOST PASSIONATE FAN BASE.”

I won this award, and I earned it BECAUSE OF YOU.

I am the least humble guy you will ever encounter. I have the grace and subtlety of a battering ram. Yet some of you were ready to engage in guerilla warfare, and I am humbled by that.

I am thankful to guys like Mickey and Jersey. These two guys could not be more different, but they enhance the debate on my blog, and they are both good guys, and hopefully will agree with me on this point regarding each other.

Snooper, Spree and others have constantly encouraged me. Chad at the Grizzly Groundswell has been great, as has Vontwiss at Stumbleupon. So have the guys behind Justblogbaby. Pastor Ed of Boston was inspirational.

Sometimes my fans even get angry with me when I refuse to write about certain topics. Yet my fans are honest, and absolutely passionate about the issues they care about.

I am glad this controversy is done, because I am not a politician, and asking people to vote for me makes me uncomfortable. Heck, every minute I spent on websites meeting new people for the purpose of politics was time spent away from Jdate and romance. I have other controversies to start and other people to inflame.

I have a fabulous life, and win or lose, this experience made me a ton of new friends. I am eternally grateful. Some liberals even voted for me not because they agreed with me, but because they liked my writing style.

So what happens next? I continue to write, and with help from God, write well.

Besides, how many conservative republicans express unhealthy fantasies about octogenarians (Bea Arthur) and 300 pound black women (Monique from Showtime at the Apollo)?

How many conservative republicans know what a “badonkadonk” is, and badly want to grab it? I may disagree with Hillary politically, but with those pantsuits, I might cross panty lines…I mean party lines…if she was younger, single, and still had the chunk in the trunk. Also, how many conservative republicans will explain what it means to give a desired lady the ketchup bottle treatment?

So yes, my parents have to frequently change their last names and addresses, but of all the conservative republican blogs out there, I am one of the only ones, if not the only one, that will publicly express that being conservative politically is perfectly compatible with being liberal sexually. I believe in low taxes, winning the War on Terror, and want to make republican Jewish republican brunettes explode in a manner consistent with sexual Fallujah.

Hey, how many conservative republicans have ever mentioned sexual Fallujah?

I write my column because I have screws loose. You read my column because you have screws loose. Being the very best political blog is nice, but having the most passionate fan base is an honor, letting me know I am not alone in this world. Other people are as brilliantly warped as I am, and they share it with me on a daily basis.

My other goal for 2008 with regards to my blog is to grow my readership, and my fan base. Yet growth does not equal passion. It is the passion that counts.

So I will say it one more time because it feels good, and then I will get over myself.

I AM THE 2007 BLOGGERS CHOICE AWARDS WINNER FOR 2007!

ALL HAIL ME. I REIGN SUPREME (well, below God, most elderly people, most people doing volunteer work, and according to many, a ton of bloggers)!

Thank you all. I won because of you.

Let us enjoy this day. Tomorrow it is back to the real work of quality blogging about the NFL, and of course, hard core politics. Time to get ultra serious.

Now to see if this award allows to me to film a “republican Jewish brunettes gone wild” video in my living room. After all, what is a trophy without trophy women?

eric

Posted in POLITICS, Uncategorized | No Comments »

The Rabbi and the Firefighters

Thursday, November 1st, 2007

Camp offers shelter, peace amid fire chaos

Refusing to leave his retreat, rabbi devotes himself to serving crews battling the Slide blaze.

By Ashley Powers
Los Angeles Times Staff Writer

October 29, 2007

The pairing of the rabbi and the firefighters was a natural one.

He had beds. They had been sleeping on asphalt. He had food and showers. They were grateful.

Rabbi Yosef Brod should have rushed down the mountain a week ago, when the Slide fire was burning toward Camp Gan Israel, the 75-acre Jewish camp he runs in the San Bernardino Mountains. The fire charred nearly 13,000 acres and wiped out 201 homes as it spread.

But Brod, a rabbi with the Chasidic Lubovitch, or Chabad, sect, stayed. “Have a nice day,” he told his employees as they evacuated. “Drive carefully.”

Over the weekend, about a dozen fire engines were parked by the giant Hanukkah candelabra at the camp. One firefighter chatted on a cellphone while another shivered in his boxers. A third asked Brod what the symbols on the cabin doors meant — they were prayer scrolls called mezuzot that are meant to keep their occupants safe.

State prison officials also came by, looking to house inmate mop-up crews in the camp’s bunks.

Brod says he kept the camp open because he believed that God would shelter the pine-shaded site, which the Chabad organization bought for summer and winter camps and weekend retreats. So Brod called his wife after the evacuations were ordered last Monday and said he wouldn’t be driving home to West Hollywood.

“She knew I’m so devoted to this place I wouldn’t leave,” he said. One of his employees stayed, too, and told Brod that, if need be, he would carry the camp director down the mountain.

By midweek, flames were licking the camp’s northern edge, and a firefighting helicopter tapped the camp’s pool for water. Brod ran a hose from a fire hydrant to the pool to keep it full.

He already prays three times a day, but that afternoon, “We prayed with a little more intensity,” Brod said.

The blaze halted about 100 yards from the camp’s wood-shingle main lodge and spared the property’s cellphone towers, basketball court and 16 other buildings.

The blaze had pushed a clutch of soot-dusted firefighters onto the narrow road that curves into the camp. Brod fed them. He offered mattresses and soap.

Down the road from the camp, firefighters had been dozing in pop-up tents, on cots and huddled between engines in a parking lot of the Snow Valley Mountain Resort in Running Springs, where the command center had been set up.

The news of better digs spread quickly.

So many firefighters streamed into Camp Gan Israel that Brod called other rabbis for help.

He found one fire crew sleeping on the grass just outside of camp, and offered them real beds.

“That’s kind of a big deal, to have a bunch of sweaty firemen stomping through your place,” said Ontario Fire Capt. Art Andres. “And this is a place where people pay good money to find rest or peace or something.”

A compact man with black-rimmed glasses, a salt-and-pepper beard and a black yarmulke, Brod held a prayer service for a Jewish firefighter.

On Saturday, the Jewish Sabbath, Brod couldn’t work until after sunset. So firefighters signed themselves in, writing on a yellow legal pad that they had come from departments in Chino, Upland, Rancho Cucamonga, Tuolumne and other places. They ate a traditional stew that had been prepared before sunset the night before, when the Sabbath began.

As the men and women ate each night, Brod shared his interpretation of the week’s events. “One match destroys a thousand homes just like that,” he told firefighters. “If we have the power to destroy the world, we have the power to make it better.”

The firefighters sat in quiet with their thoughts.

Brod slouched on a folding chair in the camp’s restaurant-size kitchen as he recounted the week’s events. A button had popped open on his shirt, but he didn’t notice.

His two cellphones interrupted. A friend in Maryland was checking to see if he was OK. The other caller offered to bring oranges and coffee. Meanwhile, firefighters played billiards and table tennis.

After dinner, Brod went outside and climbed into his white Ford Expedition to check on his guests. He darted past cabins with nearly all the windows lighted, and slowed only to chat with firefighters. Their eyes were weary and their voices hoarse.

“So you own this whole place?” croaked one firefighter.

“God owns the world,” the rabbi replied.

[email protected]

One of the reasons I published that column in its entirety is because 1000 years from now, it will be relevant.

www.chabad.com

The Rabbi could have easily fled, and nobody would have had a right to criticize him for doing so. Yet he had an opportunity to help people who desperately needed help.

Firefighters are like doctors and nurses. They do double shifts, going hours and hours without sleep. When they do sleep it is often uncomfortable. This time was different. The firefighters had beds to sleep in. This was not a couple firefighters putting out a fire in a home, which is daunting enough. This was an army of firefighters putting out a blaze that was engulfing major swaths of cities across the entire Southern California region. Thanks to this Rabbi, they were given shelter.

In return, the Rabbi kept his property safe. He had hundreds of firefighters protecting him around the clock.

So much good came out of this unique pairing up. The few firefighters that were Jewish did not know that there was an even a Rabbi in this area of Southern California. They now have a spiritual adviser. On a deeper level, some of the firefighters had never met anybody Jewish before. Their first impression of Jewish culture was overwhelmingly positive.

Some would say that this is a story of a kind man doing a good thing, and that his religion is irrelevant. This is false. Would a devoutly religious man of another faith have done the same thing? Absolutely. However, this Rabbi is a representative of Jewish values. These firefighters saw what Judaism is about. Hopefully they will associate “Jews,” and “kindness,” as one and the same.

The building that the Rabbi was defending was a place used for summer and winter camp for young Jewish children. Yet this “camp” is not just about playing. It involves serious learning. Jewish children are taught from Jewish texts, and they are taught Jewish values. The children are taught “Mitzvos,” which is Hebrew for, “good deeds.” The greatest Mitzvah in Judiasm is “Tzedakaha,” which means “charity.”

So yes, a Rabbi engaged in a charitable act so he could defend a place that is primarily designed to teach children about charity.

Problems can spread through communities like wildfire itself. Drugs, crime, and gangs can turn beautiful neighborhoods into havens of despair and hatred.

So can love and peace. They have to be able to be spread. If this is not possible, we should all just give up and let the worst in life win.

Buildings can burn, but souls cannot be left to be incinerated. We are all dust one day, but it does not have to be today.

Yes, this one Rabbi had his home saved because hundreds of firefighters were there to protect him. Yet those firefighters had their job made more than slightly easier thanks to this one Rabbi.

The last several days has seen the worst in humanity. It is saddening and maddening that much of the devastation was the result of arson. It is beneath the layers of these black smoke clouds that silver linings are found. The best in humanity does exist.

Yes it is nice that some people become rock stars, athletes, poets, and investment bankers. They all contribute to the world in their own special way. However, in a world often thought to be fueled by wealth and power, it is a relief to know that some people still care about more than what lines their pockets. They become police officers, firefighters and doctors, to keep their fellow creatures of God healthy and safe. They also become Priests, Reverends, Imams and Rabbis, helping connect people to God, and spreading a message more powerful than any fire…the power of human goodness.

eric

Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments »

Death of a child

Thursday, November 1st, 2007

Yesterday, on Halloween, a friend of mine became a proud father.

Today, he is a grieving father. His newborn son died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

I am taking the day off. I don’t feel like blogging today.

May God bless him and his family, and that is that.

http://www.sids.org/

http://www.medindia.net/patients/patientinfo/sleep/support_groups/cot_death_Support_Groups.htm

Here are a couple previous columns of mine.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/08/despite-human-suffering-i-still-believe-in-god/

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/07/what-matters-in-life/

Hug your loved ones while you can.

eric

Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments »

Hal Levine, Wizards, and Scary Liberals

Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

Gobhoblins, ghosties, and things that go bump and screech in the night. Ok, enough about Hillary. Happy Hal Levine.

http://michellemalkin.com/2007/10/31/halloweenblogging/

http://www.townhall.com/columnists/MaryKatharineHam/2007/10/31/dem_debate_the_good,_the_bad,_and_the_hillary_moments

http://michellemalkin.com/2008/10/31/happy-obamaween/

I decided not to watch the demagoguic party debate on MSNBC for the same reason I skipped the Laker game. October 31st is Halloween, and I did not want to be scared the night before to the point where Halloween itself would be anticlimactic. Before getting into my favorite Halloween stories, it turns out the democrats running for President were all cast members in the Wizard of Oz. They live in fantasyland, so this makes sense. Nevertheless, the cast was surprising.

Hillary Clinton—Shockingly enough she was not the Wicked Witch, because that would be too easy. She is the Tin Man. The Tin Man is not a bad person. He is just devoid of any human emotions and feelings. He is a robot, and cannot understand issues that human beings deal with.

Barack O’Bama—He is the Scarecrow. The Scarecrow is a nice guy who just does not contribute anything intellectually. He is not stupid, just naïve. He has a childlike innocence that leaves him unprepared to understand adult conversations in a serious world. Given that this movie happened before World War II in the same way Barack O’Bama exists pre-9/11, the naivety is understandable.

John Edwards—No, he is not Dorothy. Again, that would be too obvious. He is the Cowardly Lion. He does not want to deal with conflict. He wants to cut and run. He wants to revert to a safe tree house and play childlike games. Again, the Cowardly Lion is not a bad creature, just one that is afraid to confront the challenges that life throws out on a daily basis.

Bill Richardson—Glenda the Good Witch. This role was played by John Edwards in 2004. This character tries to keep everybody happy and peaceful. He deplores sadness within the family. Basically, from a political standpoint, he has his head up the front-runner’s anus in the hopes of being Vice President.

Dennis Kucinich—He is a munchkin. Not only is he short, but he also speaks in a tongue that most people do not understand. Alvin the Chipmunk on LSD, this cute little Kucinich critter persists.

Christopher Dodd—I believe there was a drunkard in the movie. The fellow was given no credit for his appearance, given how peripheral he was. Unlike Mr. Dodd, I do not think the drunkard in the movie tried to violate a waitress in a restaurant.

Joe Biden—He is Dorothy—He wants to click his heels together for each partition of Iraq. His heel clicking plan is illogical, unworkable, and bizarre, but hey, it is not like there is nothing at stake if it fails. Like Dorothy going home, the mess left behind will be somebody else’s problem.

Mike Gravel—I thought he was Toto, given his constant barking, but it seems like he is Dorothy’s grandfather. He is an old, gray, grumpy individual who shows up early in the movie and then disappears quickly to irrelevancy. The democrats still had a meaningless debate, but it was slightly more respectable without his being invited.

Bill Clinton—He is Toto. He is useless, but so adorable that he gets more attention than more relevant characters to the story. Toto is so precious that the oxygen just gets sucked out of the room.

The magician behind the curtain that manipulates them all is either George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, or John Ashcroft, or any other bogeyman the democrats need to create to have a reason to exist. My guess is that it is most likely Paul Wolfowitz, since the Daily Kos sees the Wizard of Oz the same way it sees everything else…as a sinister republican plot controlled by the Jews, since the people of Kansas are obviously Jews. Dorothy makes it home to the land of the Neocons, and everybody lives happily ever after. 

As scary as the democrats are, with Halloween being every time they come on television, even scarier is Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers. How people continue to admire this troll is beyond me. He scored 45 points, and the team lost. Typical Kobe. I say this because his press conference was delightful. “The team missed 18 free throws. I didn’t miss any.” Yes, everything is everybody else’s fault. The Clintons should hire him as a press spokesman immediately.

Today is the day for getting away from people who do not matter to what does matter…picking out a Halloween costume and having fun.

I have plenty of costumes, and the trick is to find costumes that are timeless. Picking something that has a shelf life of 10 minutes is a waste of money. Also, heroes are boring, and they often wear pants that are ambiguously transgendered. I prefer the villains.

Also, when romantically involved, matching costumes go over very well. Matching pirates and matching vampires are easy enough. When I dress up as the Riddler, I prefer my female companion be Catwoman. That way I can admire her tail.

Matching gangsters is fun, and women look sexy in short skirts always.

Matching costumes are a way of couples making sacrifices that would normally never occur. In 2005 I was dating a left wing environmental activist vegetarian. What can I say? She was hot. I dressed up as a tree, and she dressed up as a hippie. My sign on my tree said, “My girlfriend is a tree hugger.” To return the favor, the next night had me dressing up as a criminal, with her dressing up as a slutty police officer. The outfit came equipped with a baton, handcuffs, a ball and chain, and an incredibly tight outfit that made me realize that politics could be put aside for the sake of my hormones.

My friends and I go to “The Freak Show” in West Hollywood, which is the homosexual area of Los Angeles. They usually dress flamboyantly in that part of town, but on this day they go crazy. The police seal off the streets, and one million people walk up and down looking at the costumes. My friend from Alabama got groped last year. Hey, when you are dressed in a purple pimp outfit at a parade in a largely homosexual community, things will happen. It was his last day in Blue State America, as he hightailed it back to Alabama, a victim of culture aftershocks.

I know I will not be dressing up as Harry Potter, and since I am not looking for a gay partner any time soon, being Dumbledore is not a viable option.

Halloween 2004 remains my most bizarre situation. I dressed as an Angel, and the girl dressed as the Devil. Yes, this was total role reversal. To try and confuse people at the party, we decided to sneak out of the party and come back with the costumes reversed. We went to my place, and decided to each be ½ angels and ½ devils. We needed to change.

Now I am not a Homer Simpson type, on Halloween or in real life. I do not walk around my apartment unless I am fully clothed. Yet since the girl changed in the bedroom, I was relegated to the living room. In the 60 seconds it took me to change, my roommate came home. Thankfully my red devil collared shirt was just long enough, as I stood in my living room with no trousers on holding a devil’s pitchfork.

 

Roommate: “Dude.”

 

Me: “It’s not what it looks like.”

 

Roommate: “You’re pantsless…and you’re holding a devil’s pitchfork.”

 

Hearing her, he asked, “Have you got a girl in your room? What are you guys doing man?”

 

Me: “Nothing is going on.”

 

Like a bad episode of “Three’s Company (redundant, I know),” she came out of the bedroom, oblivious to the surroundings. Wearing only a bra and angel wings, she grabbed my pants and said, “I need your pants.” She then retreated to the bedroom.

 

Roommate: “What the hell are you two doing?”

 

Me: “Nothing…nothing is going on.”

 

Roommate: “I thought I was cooler than you.”

 

Me: “You are cooler than me. It’s not even close.”

 

From the bedroom, she asked about props that could be used to enhance the evening, all part of an innocent angel-devil theme.

 

Girl: “Eric, do you have something that burns like a flamethrower?”

 

Roommate: “Ok, what the hell is wrong with you? I don’t know what kind of sick stuff you’re into man, but this innocent dorky routine is B.S. I’ll see you later, and stay away from my bedroom.”

To this day he does not know a g-rated situation when he sees one.

As for this year, the pimp costume was Friday night, and the ½ angel ½ devil costume was Saturday night. I refer to it as a “Fallen Angel,” and the halo, appropriate for me, is totally bent.

West Hollywood will be filled with almost naked gay men, but it will also have heterosexual women dressed as French maids, cavewomen, Playboy bunnies, and other reasons I love being a guy.

Wednesday night might be me as the Riddler again. I just hope nobody confuses me with that idiot Matthew Lesko. I may be prancing around West Hollywood, but I am not a liberal. I will pretend to joust with guys dressed as Batman, and hopefully share a couple steamy moments with a complete stranger dressed as Catwoman. Women dressed up provocatively with a lack of ability to control their inhibitions…I love this holiday.

It is not all perfect. For one, I am too old to trick or treat, which I gave up at age 22. Trick or treating in Bel Air is great. I made between $50 and $100 my last year of college. As a kid I used to go back to homes November 1st to see if they had any candy left. The older kids would trick or treat for beer, and I was too naïve to understand how they kept picking the right houses.

I remember Pirate Lady looking at me and saying, “Shiver me timbers.”  I was about to reply, “Darling, I’d sure like to,” but my friends stopped me. However, she said it again…”Shiver me timber.” I replied, “Sweetness, you got that reversed. Make mine shiver.” She blushed bright crimson…I love Halloween.

My Rabbi does not like that I celebrate Halloween, but I keep explaining that it is actually a Jewish holiday, Hal Levine. So to all the non-Jews of the world, I wish you a happy Hal Levine.

My parents shake their heads in a combo of shame and disbelief, but they should not be afraid. On Halloween I spin out of control, but by November 1st I am back to my version of normal, at work. There is nothing I can do to damage society that badly.

Besides, I will not be that scary on Halloween. It is not like I am dressing up as President Hillary Clinton. Now that is frightening. Don’t cry kids. I will turn off the flashlight and turn on the lights. It was only a nightmare.

Now to be like Ted Kennedy minus the girth and criminal behavior…and do what I need to do to avoid being a complete spectacle again…find my pants.

I think these are mine…or maybe they are…who is she? Riddle me this, Riddle me that…I just don’t know.

Happy Hal Levine everybody!

eric

Posted in POLITICS, Uncategorized, WOMEN | 6 Comments »

Voting Irregularities at the Bloggers Choice Awards

Sunday, October 21st, 2007

http://blog.payperpost.com/?utm_source=opportunity&utm_medium=disclosure%2Bbadge

I normally post once a day, but this is a special nighttime post regarding the Bloggers Choice Awards. I am in shock to say I have been the victim of voting “irregularities.” I am not claiming fraud as of this moment, but I have had between 1/2 and 1/3 of my votes taken away. Even my own vote was taken away.

I have sent emails to people at

www.bloggerschoiceawards.com

www.postiecon.com 

www.payperpost.com

 When the contest was supposed to have ended, I was in the top 3 in the political category, with Daily Kos being 4th. They had 467 votes, so I had more (the top 3 were blocked out to create excitement, which is fine). yet I noticed some people were able to add votes even today, well after the deadline. I did not mind, because even the additional votes Daily Kos got left them at 471, below me.

Yet tonight, after refreshing the screen, my total had dropped from over 471 (again, blocked out) to only 351, putting me back in 4th place. I tried to add my own vote again, and the BCA system would not allow it.

I checked every vote to see who was missing, and it seems that my coworkers, family, and even me, were deleted. I am speculating that because my coworkers are in the same building, it treated their votes as fraud. Some of my coworkers came to my computer to vote. However, they are real people who supported me. This was honest.

My parents voted at the same computer because they only have one computer. Their votes were eliminated.

I wrote an email to Angry Harry and Feministing, my main competitors. I want to make it clear I have no gripes with them. They have quality sites. If anything, I want to make sure they are not victimized either. I cced [email protected] and [email protected] in my email. I also contacted Ted Murphy at Payperpost, which is running Postiecon and the BCA. Here is my email.

"Angry Harry/Feministing,

These comments are not meant for posting, but you can if you want. They are meant
for you personally.

I am Eric, and my blog is The Tygrrrr Express. I competed against both of you in
the Bloggers Choice Awards. We were the top 3. If I had to guess, I think I came
in 2nd, possibly edging out Feministing, but not sure I passed Angry Harry. The
Daily Kos was 4th.

Out of nowhere tonight, between 100 and 300 votes of mine were taken away. I am
now back in 4th. This is due to a glitch in the Postiecon system. Many people who
voted for me are my coworkers, and their votes were thrown out because we work in
the same office, and I guess the system thought fraud was at work.

Also, many of my close friends voted for me from my computer when they came to my
home to watch football. My parents had their votes thrown out because the house
has only one computer. My vote for myself was thrown out.

This is not sour grapes. I just feel that if these votes are not counted, the results
could be tarnished.

I think you both have great sites, and your success is deserved. Again, I am not
saying I won. I am saying I was absolutely in the top 3, and am now down to 4th,
with well over 100 votes (and maybe 300) subtracted from my total.

I have contacted Postiecon about this problem, and you both should check your own
votes to see if any are missing.

This is not life or death, but it does matter from an integrity standpoint.

Respectfully,

eric aka  blacktygrrrr.wordpress.com"

I want to make it clear that I am not Al Gore. I have actual proof, aka hard evidence, that votes of mine were taken away. I just want this to be looked into, and I do not trust that email contact will work. I need to get a live person on the telephone, and these companies do not post their phone numbers.

Ted Murphy is the head sled in charge of all of this. I hope he looks into this.

I do not mind losing. I mind being cheated. I am not positive that I won. However, I am positive I was in the top 3, not 4th.

The purpose of winning this contest was to gain exposure to my blog. I will get that no matter what because I write well. Now I just need to get the bitter taste out of my mouth knowing that my hard work can be invalidated by a computer malfunction.

No wonder people get disenfranchised. How can we count 100 million votes if we cannot even count a few hundred.

eric







						


				
 Posted in POLITICS, Uncategorized |   20 Comments »


			


		
		

			
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