THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

My 2016 Presidential Speech

As speculation over whether or not I run for President reaches a fever pitch, it is time for my first major speech.

I began by making a presidential announcement.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2015/07/my-2016-presidential-announcement/

I announced that I was considering a run. That concludes the announcement stage.

Then I made a presidential exploration.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2015/07/my-2016-presidential-exploration/

This meant I was exploring the race. I would have set up an actual exploratory committee, but I was busy and I detest committees.

Then against my own belief system, I offered my presidential platform.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2015/07/my-2016-presidential-platform/

Should I run, I offered a couple of issues I believe in despite the fact that some people would vote against me based on issues. “Cut taxes, kill terrorists” was my slogan.

The final step will be my presidential decision. Either I will run or I will not run.

Yet today is about my first presidential speech. I have been to Iowa and South Carolina. I was told going to those states builds speculation.

I even booked a ticket to New Hampshire, but did not get on the plane. I detest cold weather and it should dip below 70 degrees within the next few months if not already.

Nevada is the fourth early state to vote, so I may show up there if my friends want to hang out in Las Vegas. No pictures will be allowed.

Florida also may have some early clout, and I would spend time in Florida out of respect for the many fine citizens there. Also, my parents live there and they let me raid their fridge.

Regarding my speech, I will use poll tested, focus group approved buzzwords that sound lofty but mean actually nothing. The words “innovate,” “technology,” and “21st century” will be repeated despite the fact that anybody with a kindergarten education knows what century this is. I am supportive of “middle class families,” as if anybody running a campaign would say they are against them.

I will claim that anybody who disagrees with me is evil, while I am reasonable and centrist. I will also create straw men, saying that I am against running over small animals in my car, implying that my critics favor this.

I will praise the military because that gets applause lines. I will claim that America is the greatest nation on Earth because nobody in their right mind would claim that America is the worst nation on Earth. After all, on our worst days we are not France.

If people are unsure of where my applause lines are, I will start clapping myself so that they all follow. Then I will tell the crowd to calm down, although I really want them to keep applauding. After all, applause takes up valuable time and requires me to supply less actual content.

I will conclude by explaining that while I know the crowd could listen to me for hours, NFL football was about to start on another channel.

During my speech I will do one of three things. 1) Decide I am running. 2) Decide I am not running. 3) Decide neither because it is nobody else’s business. I will decide when I am good and ready.

This concludes the rough outline of my first presidential speech. It will begin on a Saturday in Iowa around 1pm CST and conclude the following Thursday around 7pm EST in New York for a total of 125 hours. It will be less lengthy and boring than the current president’s speeches, and will perhaps fail to contain less substance.

I expect you all to listen because if I talked and you did not listen, I would be mistaken for the current White House occupant. If you all can pretend to care about what he has to say, do me the same courtesy.

eric

Election 2016: John Kasich

http://www.commdiginews.com/politics-2/john-kasich-successful-in-ohio-good-for-america-45428/

eric

Iran to make world blow up larger than Obama and Kerry’s egos

http://joeforamerica.com/2015/07/obama-and-kerry-reach-deal-to-let-iran-blow-up-world/

eric

Leftist Jews complicit in destructive Iran deal

http://www.commdiginews.com/politics-2/liberal-jews-blind-support-of-obama-guaranteed-iran-deal-45019/

eric

My 2016 presidential platform

Awhile back I made my presidential announcement. I announced that I was considering a run for the White House.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2015/07/my-2016-presidential-announcement/

Then I announced my presidential exploration. This meant that I was exploring a run.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2015/07/my-2016-presidential-exploration/

I will be at the debate but not the straw poll, I will not be participating in the debate as a candidate because I have not decided to run. I am attending the debate to hear the questions asked so I can determine if I would want to answer them. I would have attended the straw poll because I like barbecue. The best barbecue would help me determine who my most toughest challengers would be. The Iowa straw poll was canceled, cheating me out of good barbecue.

At some point will come a presidential decision. Until then, today is dedicated to my presidential platform should I decide to run.

Initially I was very leery about offering a platform. After all, some guy got elected in 2008 without anybody knowing what his platform was. He was tall, had good hair and a winning smile, and crisp shirts and neckties. He was also a minority, as am I. The female Democrat front-runner has no platform. So perhaps a platform will not be needed.

I grew up in the 1980s watching MTV, and I remember when Randee of the Redwoods ran for president. He he even had a campaign song entitled “Just say whoa!”

As he pointed out in an interview, it is a bad idea to have a platform. People may like you but then decide not to vote for you just because they don’t like your platform.

The current president clearly understands this. He can wave and smile with the best of them.

Yet as a country music star sings, “You’ve got to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything.” So against the advice of unpaid political advisers disguised as people offering useless unsolicited opinions, here is my presidential platform.

1) Cut taxes

2) Kill terrorists

That’s it.

For those who need elaboration on the first one, “cut taxes” is short for “Shut the hell up, cut my (blanking) taxes you corrupt useless (blankety-blanks) and get the hell out of my life.”

Kill terrorists can also be explained as “gratuitously blow stuff up, screw collateral damage, destroy everything knowing some of them will be terrorists.”

I could tell America that other ideas are being fleshed out, but that is not true. Trying to do too much at once means doing everything badly. So after cutting taxes and killing terrorists the only thing left to do would be to put my feet up on the desk and make sure a picture is taken of me lighting a victory stogie. Somebody else would take the picture because selfies are disgraceful reflections of those who celebrate being over doing.

That concludes the rollout of my presidential platform. While it is obvious I would win if I ran, there are other considerations. People who run face scrutiny, and I detest scrutiny. It’s nobody’s damn business that I may or may not have disclosed or undisclosed peculiar habits. Elaboration is not needed since I have not decided if I am running.

I will make a formal decision before Labor Day or whenever I damn well please, whichever comes last.

eric

Election 2016: Scott Walker

http://www.commdiginews.com/politics-2/scott-walker-is-a-fighter-a-winner-and-mid-western-strong-44882/

eric

July 2015 Hate Mail

Here is a collection of recent hate mail with the appropriate responses. Apparently liberals are unhappy that I said Bill Clinton’s behavior was worse than that of Bill Cosby. People can disagree with that statement without getting hostile. Then again, it is liberals we are dealing with here.

markdubeau1986 • 9 hours ago

“Hmm, one raped. One cheated. You are a disgrace, and a name that will Soon be forgotten, article writer.”

ANALYSIS: I started writing my column 8 years ago. It has only grown. Assuming this commenters name is Mark Dubeau, his last name sounds French. Therefore, he should apologize for everything. Cosby and Clinton were both accused of rape. The only person who seems to be forgotten is Juanita Broderick, making Mr. Dubeau a most foul Frenchman indeed. If he is not French, he is now French anyway for acting French. If this commenter were any less relevant, he would be John Kerry.

Bill B. • 8 hours ago

The writer of this should be terminated.

ANALYSIS: Now that is classy, making a death threat for having a dissenting opinion. The commenter can claim he just meant I should lose my job writing. Since I am self-employed, I choose not to fire myself. I took it as a death threat, and the writer of this comment should have the police visit his home. His comments are obviously a gateway to more violent behavior.

Plain Vanilla • 10 hours ago

Wow! Some people will write/say anything to get noticed. Articles like this make you look desperate.

EDIT: After Googling the author, it is apparent from his picture that he’s going to have to rape someone in order to get laid.

ANALYSIS: The commenter “Plain Vanilla” is another example of how liberals communicate with people they disagree with. Does every liberal behave this way? No, but far too many of them do. Their defense is “Well, conservatives blah blah blah” as if two wrongs make a right.

This commenter was trying to insult me, but he was actually insulting any woman I have ever allegedly slept with, including the alleged ones in recent days. The liberal war on women is out of control.

This is yet another reason why I detest anonymous commenters. If this fellow had his IP address tracked and had his comment reported to his boss and lost his job, maybe he would think twice.

I am an adult but I cannot imagine how a comment like that his would affect a young teenager just starting to write.

Then again, this is liberalism. It is what it is, always was, and probably always will be. Tolerance, unless you disagree with them.

Unlicensed Dremel • 14 hours ago

This is absurd – doesn’t pass the smell test – Clinton had no where near 37 accusers (did he?), and no accusations of drugging. Author claims this fact is “irrelevant” but then stops without explaining the theory behind that – fact is, it’s highly relevant. Cosby is the Ted Bundy of sexual predators; Clinton, notsomuch. This author is an unmitigated imbecile with no grasp of critical thinking skills.

ANALYSIS: This fellow is a bad speller because he got his own screen name wrong. He meant to write “Unlicensed Drivel.” What the commenter meant to say is he disagrees with me but cannot articulate why. Then again, cowards who hide behind screen names are not known for contributing anything positive to society in the form of thoughtful commentary. I recommend he let Bill Clinton near the women he loves the most and watch the fireworks fly. I am giving this commenter the benefit of the doubt in assuming he was, unlike MacBeth’s MacDuff, actually born of a woman.

Say it with me everybody: These are liberals. This is how they behave.

eric

My 2016 presidential exploration

I recently made a presidential announcement.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2015/07/my-2016-presidential-announcement/

That is not the same as a presidential decision. The announcement is just that I am thinking about running for the White House.

I can now say that I have reached the presidential exploration stage.

This is still not a decision, but it is more than an announcement.

This is not the same as an actual exploratory committee. I can’t stand committees. The only thing worse than committees themselves are committee meetings. When I want to accomplish nothing, I have a meeting.

I have been meeting with people around the country. I have met with delegates nationwide and will be meeting delegates in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina in the months to come.

Now keep in mind that I still hate meetings, and much of these meetings are me selling copies of my books. Handshakes were involved. Some of the meetings had finger foods and others involved knives and forks.

I know that if I ran I would win. This is because I am not grassroots. For those who do not know, when anybody tells you they are grassroots, it means they have no support whatsoever. The myth of grassroots is that you tell 10 people and they tell 10 and then it becomes exponential. What really happens is out of 10 people, 8 show up for free stuff and forget about you. The other two just forget about you while rejecting your free stuff.

So people who come to my rallies will get nothing. I will not give away candy, chocolate, or even bumper stickers. I want your money. Therefore, giving you free stuff makes no sense. You are supposed to give your stuff to me.

In the coming weeks I will make an official decision on whether or not to seek the White House. I am leaning either in favor of or against it depending on which way the wind is blowing.

What I do know is that not one poll has showed me as beatable…not one.

I will skip the early debates because as a top tier contender, I can. I have the luxury of waiting.

So now that I have made my announcement, a decision will come. For now, the exploration stage is where my presidential campaign is.

I would consult with my consultants, because that is what people do with consultants. That is why they are called consultants. However, I don’t have any. Ever since the movie “Office Space,” I have found consultants to be overrated. The only thing more useless than consultants are highly paid consultants.

I do not have a pollster because I don’t need a pollster to tell me how I am doing. I am fantastic, thank you very much.

The media has been leaving me alone because they know better. There will not be any gotcha interviews. I am not doing interviews.

Anyway, exploration is similar to contemplation, so if any of you see me poolside or in the Jacuzzi, I am not in a state of contemplation. I am in a state of exploration.

This concludes my current presidential update. I will let you all know when the decision is reached. For now, feel free to come say hello on my exploration tour…provided you buy my books.

eric