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Cupid, Shut her up so I can enjoy the Daytona 500

Sunday, February 14th, 2010

February 7th, 2010 was the Super Bowl.

February 14th is a day for love.

Yet if the Pro Bowl was on January 31st, what else is there to love today?

Oh, that’s right. NASCAR!

Out with the gladiators and in with the carburetors.

Time for the Daytona 500.

Look, I may be balling the current sexual administration tonight. If I do I will be pleasant and if I don’t I will be grumpy. That is all this holiday is about anyway.

It is not a celebration. It is an obligation.

Here are my thoughts from Cupid’s previous birthday.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2008/02/happy-force-men-to-spend-money-so-your-gender-will-leave-us-alone-day/

Now to enjoy ESPN Daytona 500 highlights and Danica Patrick commercials on Go Daddy.

eric

Posted in SPORTS, WOMEN | 6 Comments »

Hanukkah Night 7–Lighting Candles, Smacking Women, and Clubbing Men

Thursday, December 17th, 2009

No column has offended people more than my 2007 Hanukkah Column “Light a Candle, Smack a Woman.” Luckily the people that were offended are people that need to be offended. Therefore, I am running it again with 2009 Updates.

What is not to like about Hanukkah? We get to play with fire. It’s like July 4th, except we smacked around Brits instead of Greeks.

Speaking of smacking around, nothing has changed since Hanukkah 2007 except the date. So below I offer Hanukkah tips with 2009 updates on when it is perfectly acceptable to slap around women.

Fresh from a ton of parties on the seventh night of Hanukkah, I now need to prepare for partying on the eighth night. I love this holiday. Since I do not drink alcohol, smoke tobacco, or do drugs, I will stick with my vice of choice…women.

2009 Update: I have spent the first few nights in Sedona, Lake Havasu, and San Francisco, barely dipping my toes into Los Angeles, Phoenix, and parts of Nevada. Judaism is not recession proof, and Bernie Madoff did not help matters. The social calendar in New York and Miami will have to wait until March.

Sticking with women, one of the reasons Judaism is seen as “weak” by outsiders, and why Jewish men are seen as “momma’s boys,” is because our religion emasculates men. Of course we call it “celebrating women,” but it is out and out emasculation of men. We have holidays specifically dedicated to the power of women.

That is another reason to love Hanukkah. It is pure male testosterone. We came, we saw, and we conquered. We kicked some rumpus. Pure military force allowed the Maccabees to just smack around the enemy like they were women in need of a good backside slap.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/man_finally_put_in_charge_of

For those of you wondering why out of nowhere I am deliberately advocating the denigration of an entire gender, just relax, the twist is coming any sentence now.

Ever since the feminist mistake, women have been up in arms looking for ways to exact vengeance on the male gender. It was supposed to be about the right to vote, and equal work for equal pay. Now it is about attempting to destroy men. Unfortunately for the radical feminists (redundant, I know), they are cannibals. They eat their own. They betray each other. They do more to commit violence against their fellow females than most men ever could.

Therefore, in the spirit of Hanukkah, I will describe 8 situations where it is perfectly acceptable to abuse women physically, sexually, or psychologically, one for each night. You can take these women and paddle their backsides, and there will be no consequences, unless gratification is a consequence. Do not worry about the feminists getting angry, which is how they normally go through life. They will allow this abuse to happen. So for those of you out there looking to abuse women, here are the eight acceptable situations.

1) The male sexual predator has to be politically liberal. Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton have carte blanche to abuse women. If the woman ends up dead, it is acceptable, provided that the abuser is pro-choice on abortion. Of course they will be pro-choice, because that way they can be irresponsible and be able to get rid of the evidence. If abortion is not the way to get rid of the evidence, driving over a bridge is plan b. Kathleen Willey and Paula Jones…sorry ladies. The feminists do not care. Anita Hill? No evidence required. Republicans do not get this exemption, even if they are pro-choice. Sorry Bob Packwood.

In fact, the NOW announced that Bill Clinton should be praised because after he tried to get lewd with Kathleen Willey, he did not try a second time. He took no for an answer. Therefore, every man in America gets one free chance to cop a feel.

2009 Update: Eliot Spitzer gets an exemption as well a year later. Not only is he wealthy limousine liberal that rails against the wealthy, but he paid for the sex. Therefore, implied consent from Ashle Dupree renders any rumpus whacking to be obligatory. For $5,000 an hour, I might let Spitzer hit me on the @ss for 6 minutes to get $500 bucks. Ashlee Dupree is now a New York Post columnist, another reason to love that paper.

2) The woman can be a beauty pageant contestant. They are fair game for being violated. Feminists hate beauty queens, due to obvious jealousy. Angry women have more wrinkle lines. Desiree Washington alleged rape against Mike Tyson, and I do not recall any feminist groundswell.

2009 Update: Sarah Palin became the subject of a porn movie called “Nailin’ Palin.” Let’s see Caroline Kennedy be featured in a movie called “Being Mrs. Schlongberg,” and see how funny liberals find it. Every feminist in America that can’t stand being significantly uglier than Sarah Palin inside and outside should get a slap on their rump until they apologize for their vitriol towards the wonderful human being that is Sarah Palin. Carrie Prejean and Stevie Rivenbark have also been abused by “tolerant” leftist bullies.

3) The woman must be politically conservative. Radio djs recently advocated raping Laura Bush and Condoleeza Rice. Stone cold silence. I can advocate taking a paddle to Hillary’s badonkadonk and believe you me the secret service will have something to say about it as soon as they find out what a badonkadonk is.

2009 Update: The “abort Palin” t-shirts were another example of high brow liberal sophistication and wit.

4) Poor and/or ugly women are not given the same protection as attractive women, provided the women are not too attractive as to be in a beauty pageant. If a woman is considered hideously ugly, a man can abuse her because nobody would believe that he would be interested anyway. If the man is considered handsome, then the case is closed. There is no way Bill Clinton could have raped Juanita Broderick. He is considered pleasing to look at, while she is not.

2009 Update: Anybody vile enough to have an adult video of Michael Moore giving a spanking to Rosie O’Donnell should be ashamed of themselves. Whoever you are, you disgust me for even bringing it up.

5) Muslim women can and should be beaten as often as possible. From Detroit to Dubai, from Afghanistan to Zambia, the feminists condone the brutal beating of Muslim women. The feminists really struggle with this one, because they want to be against male violence towards women, but those who abuse the Koran for their own evil purposes also tend to hate republicans, especially George W. Bush. Besides, if they succeed in destroying America, and we become part of the Caliphate, there will be no republicans left. If some women get beaten in the process, such collateral damage is part of a greater good.

2009 Update: Some women were brutally murdered in Mumbai last year. “The Stoning of Soraya M was a powerful story of the abuse women face under Radical Islam. Feminists kept silent in both cases. Normally this would be a good thing, but the one time they should unshut their traps, they say nothing.

6) Non-Muslim women in Muslim nations are entitled to 40 lashes at a minimum. Any woman that allows a teddy bear to be named Mohammed should know better. The feminists of America will not speak up to save her. They will treat her as if she smoked tobacco or caused global warming. To get an exemption, one has to submit to Islam and denounce all republicans, primarily George W. Bush. This how Nancy the Pelosiraptor escaped her lashes. She wore a Burkha, sipped Tea with Assad, and denounced the tyranny of an American President.

2009 Update: Women in Afghanistan are now free from beatings. Liberals would rather condemn George W. Bush and erase his Presidency, allowing these women to get spanked harder than the Pelosiraptor did recently by Obama and Rahm Emanuel. They called the show “Charles in Charge,” not Charlene in Charge.

7) Prostitutes can be beaten. Feminists will go insane when some radio shock jock refers to women as “nappy headed hos.” Some feminists will even criticize music that refers to women as b*tches and hos. Ironically, these same feminists will not stick up for actual hos getting pimp slapped by…well, pimps, I guess. It could be because prostitutes tend to be attractive, and feminists despise women who succeed by being pretty and offering sexuality, whether they be strippers, call girls, etc. Besides, many women have lost their men to these women. Once Hugh Grant cheated on Elizabeth Hurley, aka proof that perfection exists, no woman was safe anywhere.

Before going further, all people are prostitutes. I am a corporate slut. I will not compromise my principles, unless there is money in it for me. I sold out to the establishment for money, and got a decent haircut. The old joke is quite true. A man asks a woman if she will sleep with him for a million dollars, and she says that she would. The man then asks if she would for $10. She responds that she is not a hooker. The man explains to her that, “we’ve already established that you’re a hooker, now we’re just negotiating the price.”

2009 Update: Ashle Dupree is getting no love from the feminists. She got tossed under the bus faster than the male hooker running a prostitution ring out of the house of Barney Frank, and the other male boyfriend running the drug ring out of Barney Frank’s house. Now if Eliot Spitzer was caught having sex with Barney Frank…no, never mind. The left would be angry that they were forced to sneak around rather than get married. The House of Frank is like the House of Saud. They are equally financially corrupt.

8.) Women can be beaten in the movies. After all, the feminists cannot advance their agenda unless society is convinced that every white, conservative investment banker in the movies is busy sexually violating minority women in between drinking oil flavored martinis at lunch and chopping down trees for sport. After all, if both genders actually felt life was getting better between them, the feminists would have no power. They are the angry, white liberal versions of Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. Exacerbating hostility between the genders allows these feminists to have something to do. Most women in Hollywood are liberals, but since Hollywood is about acting, the more liberal the woman on the screen, the more oppressed she is. Only in real life are liberal women protected.

2009 Update: Jesse Jackson threatened to do to Obama what Hillary threatens to do to Bill every night. So Jesse Jackson actually is an angry woman. Obama’s election was the emotional equivalent of a paddling to Jackson, who as of now has been knocked into irrelevance. May he take the equally irrelevant NOW with him.

I want to make it clear that I support women receiving equal pay for equal work. I also support women achieving full equality in society, because if the radical feminists ever do shut up, men and women will be better off. We will not have to listen to women comparing marriage to slavery while secretly praying for flowers and a wedding ring from a strong, smart Adonis who will turn them into paddle Queens.

It is very important that men do not try to physically or sexually abuse women who are politically liberal, the correct amount of attractiveness, or the wrong religion or ethnicity. For those who are still unclear which women are fair game and which women are off limits, Barbara Boxer’s office will be publishing a list of the women she has defended and ignored over the last three decades. The list will be available in Spanish, Braille, and Ebonics. Coincidentally, Ms. Boxer herself is the first woman in the protected column, meaning that conservative republican men should not even think about spanking her liberal hide.

The world now knows the 8 categories of acceptable abuse of womyn, one for each night of Hanukkah. May the men of this world enjoy this testosterone driven holiday, and as for the women of America, I suggest you join a protected group very soon.

Ok, off to find my tennis racket and go visit a certain republican Jewish brunette. Don’t worry sweetie, I will bring some ointment for you after I am done. You may object to this, but you do not have a say. The feminists will not defend you, since your beliefs justify my misogyny.

2009 Update: What is good for the goose is good for the gander golfer. Some golfer with a similar name to my blog cheated on his wife, and she beat the tar out of him with a golf club. Not since Brenda Ritchie beat up Lionel and his girlfriend has a problem been solves with such appropriate violence. The woman did not act like a crying feminist. She got tough, kicked the guy’s hide, and was done with it. Good for her.

As for me, I have no desire to hurt anyone, although I would not mind the radical feminists having their mouths ductaped while I am trying to watch football. They could voluntarily shut up until the commercials, but that has never happened.

The bottom line is either all women should get abused, or none of them should get abused. I prefer none of them get abused. I also prefer to live in a world where feminists actually stop promoting a liberal agenda, and start fighting for all women to be treated with respect. Men and women would both benefit from this.

eric

Posted in Uncategorized, WOMEN | 10 Comments »

My Interview With Stevie Rivenbark

Friday, December 4th, 2009

On a recent trip to Duplin County, North Carolina, in the city of Pink Hill, I had the pleasure of meeting one of the loveliest women in North Carolina. This is not just my opinion. The beauty pageant judges said so.

Stevie Rivenbark was Miss Wilmington, North Carolina. She finished in the top 10 in the Miss North Carolina pageant.

http://www.stevierivenbark.com/

Her blinding beauty is matched only by her quick wit, sharp intelligence, political savvy, and appreciation of football. While she claims that she does not spend the bulk of her time turning down marriage proposals, I suspect otherwise.

I wanted to get to know her better, but after my speech I had to take a six hour drive to Silver Springs, Maryland. Somebody asked me if I was going to see if I could buy her dinner. I responded, “I don’t have time, but if she bats her eyelashes, I might buy her a third world nation.”

I think Laos is affordable.

Anyway, before getting to my actual interview, it is always fun to present the doctored fake interview that would have been conducted if I worked for the Jason Blair Times (New York Times for the politically insufferable).

With that, here is my fake interview with Stevie Rivenbark.

Eric: Is it ok if I tell people that you have spent your entire life dreaming about me?

Stevie: I only met you once.

Eric: Yes, but wasn’t it the greatest moment of your life?

Stevie: Winning the Miss Wilmington pageant was better.

Eric: Are you at least willing to give me credit for your victory?

Stevie: That is Ludicrous.

Eric: No, Ludacris is a gangsta rapper. Would you be my gangsta girl?

Stevie: If you ask me one more dumb question I am going to end this interview and recommend you seek professional help.

Eric: Ok, fine. Should I get down to the actual interview?

Stevie: Yes, I have been waiting for what seems like forever.

Now I will present the doctored version of the interview in the great tradition of the previously mentioned horrendously liberal newspaper based on the fictional conversation above.

Eric: Is it ok if I tell people that you have spent your entire life dreaming about me?

Stevie: Yes, I have been waiting for what seems like forever.

Now as much fun as delusions can be, the real Stevie Rivenbark interview was enjoyable because the real Stevie Rivenbark is a kind, thoughtful woman with a bright future ahead of her.

I now present my real interview with Miss Wilmington Stevie Rivenbark.

1) What is the Stevie Rivenbark story?

I was born in North Carolina, living in Wallace until age five at which point my family moved to Jacksonville, FL. I grew up there, taking Suzuki violin lessons and graduating from Douglas Anderson School of the Arts in 2005. Upon graduation, I moved to eastern North Carolina and became a political science student at the University of North Carolina at Wilmington. I will be graduating on December 12, and hope to move either to Nashville or Jacksonville, FL, shortly thereafter, depending on job opportunities.
As far as my “pageant life” is concerned, I competed for the first time at the age of fifteen in the Miss Jacksonville Teen pageant. I wore an $8 swimsuit I purchased from Wal-Mart, my gown was borrowed, and my interview suit was a hand-me-down. My competition was pretty stiff; most of the girls had far more money—or I should say their parents had far more money—than I. In addition, they were all well-groomed and experienced pageant girls. Nevertheless, I was able to capture the crown and from then on was “addicted” to pageantry and have competed ever since.

2) What have been the best and worst aspects of being a beauty pageant contestant?

Competing in the Miss America Organization (MAO) requires contestants to be intelligent, beautiful, and talented, unlike some of the organization’s counterparts. Having mentioned that, my experiences with competing in the MAO have been nothing but pleasant. I have blossomed into a confident young woman capable of speaking to large audiences, appearing before the media, and performing on the spot. Prior to engaging in pageants, I was too embarrassed to perform in front of large crowds solo; now, however, I can’t count the number of times I’ve done so.

3) What political issues are you most passionate about?

As a student of political science, I’ll find it rather difficult to answer such a question with much brevity. For the sake of time and space, I am most concerned about the issue of government expansion. I realize the generality of such a statement but I am overwhelming troubled by the rapid growth of our government. It’s not a politician’s right to make any decisions whatsoever regarding my healthcare just as it is inappropriate for the government to spend my tax dollars on an matter I do not support (i.e. abortion); furthermore, it is not President Obama’s right to take away my Second Amendment right—and yes, even as a “beauty queen,” I am a gun owning, member of the vast right wing conspiracy. Simply put, government should have as little interference in Americans’ lives as possible and I’m frightened by the amount of power our federal government is assuming under the Obama Administration.

4) Who are your 3 political heroes, American or world wide?

Edmund Burke, Ronald Reagan, and a tie between Zell Miller & James Inhofe.

5) What are your thoughts on the Carrie Prejean situation with Perez Hilton?

I’ve been a victim of bias in pageantry as well, although not nearly to the extent Prejean was. I’m glad she stood up for what she believes in. Kristen Dalton, a fellow Miss NC 2006 contestant with me, is a friend of mine and I think she is well deserving of the Miss USA crown. Prejean, however, will receive crowns in heaven for her stance and has received a great deal of recognition already for her strength.

6) Have you ever been subjected to any ideological bigotry as a pageant contestant, and if so, what?

I’ve been asked various questions regarding homosexuality over the years and I might add those questions have generally come from homosexual judges. I’d rather not point fingers or claim this is a reason I was not able to win, but I will say it can be cumbersome to offer a Christian perspective on homosexuality without in some way altering a homosexual’s personal view of you, wouldn’t you say?

7) Several beauty pageant winners have had successful careers in various fields, with Sarah Palin going into politics and Gretchen Carlson and Harris Faulkner becoming news reporters. What path do you see yourself on ideally?

Eventually, I plan to run for public office myself. I have a passion for politics and I have an even greater desire to serve people and keep this country on the right track. Running for office will allow me to fulfill a lifelong career ambition while also contributing what I can to this great nation.

8.) Do you like NASCAR, and if so, # 3 Dale Earnhardt or # 24 Jeff Gordon? Any opinions on the Carolina Panthers?

I’m not a big NASCAR fan, but I’d have to pull for #3. He has and will always be a great Southern icon. As for the Panthers… considering I’m a devout Peyton Manning fan, I’ll have to just leave you with, “GO COLTS!!!”

9) Do you have any opinions on the 2009 elections?

Thank goodness New Jersey has come to its senses; I’m ready for an even better turnover in 2010!!

10) What can the rest of America learn from the good people of North Carolina?

We gave you Jesse Helms. Need I say more?

11) How would you like to be remembered 100 years from now? What would you like people to say about Stevie Rivenbark the person?

Whether people agree with my right wing conservative views or not, I want to be remembered for always standing my ground despite the criticism or grief I may receive. It’s not always easy to represent radical ideas like pro-life, heterosexual marriage, a fair tax, or anti-socialism, but someone has to do it and if a 95-pound beauty queen has to be the one to do so, albeit :)

It was an absolute pleasure meeting and getting to know Stevie Rivenbark. We have been in communication since, and she has been a joy to get to know. I wish her much success always, and look forward to her taking North Carolina…and then the rest of America…by storm.

In the tradition of their hockey franchise, it will be a Carolina Hurricane indeed.

eric

Posted in POLITICS, WOMEN | 12 Comments »

Yummy Bouncie Medical Saturday

Saturday, November 21st, 2009

There comes a time when a man has to do the right thing for the wrong reasons.

I have decided to become a champion of women’s rights.

The Democratic party, which for decades has been pretending that it cares about women, has decided to take them back to the dark ages of…well, whenever that was.

A liberal wack job in Florida got elected to Congress by claiming what most liberals claim, that most Republicans simply want people to die.

At least the Democrats are now willing to tell women that they can go ahead and drop dead.

The issue deals with those phenomenal God made creations known as yummy bouncies. When not thinking of hamburgers and football, my attention turns to one of the loveliest aspects of the human female.

(The woman below is as titillating as she is married. How unfair. She is a Republican Jewish brunette. Also, it is impossible to discuss this topic without the word titillating.)

http://www.fitsnews.com/2009/10/30/drunk-sluts-get-breast-cancer/

Breast cancer kills women. Early detection saves lives. In the first sign of rationing health care and death panels, women are being told, with regards to prevention, in the immortal words of Gilda Radner as Roseanne Rosannadanna, “Never mind.”

What possible reason could the government have for telling women to forget about breast cancer before age 50 and to get tested every other year instead of every year?

(Harry Reid said something in a press conference that I am deliberately and completely taking out of context because it sounds hilarious.

“We have plenty of provisions for women. We are going to make them better on the floor.”

Wow, who knew that C-Span was turning into the Playboy Channel?)

What is it about saving lives that is so objectionable?

More importantly, why should I care?

Because I like yummy bouncies, and if women shouted out that they loved my (redacted) and wanted them to be preserved and healthy, I would be appreciative.

Some guys take yummy bouncies for granted. I don’t. The bottom line is we do not appreciate what we have, or are allowed to temporarily have, if it is taken away from us.

I recently got to play with a girl’s yummy bouncies. They were awesome. Even though we did not make it as a couple, I thanked her for the recreational game of volleyball.

Now could I do this if she no longer had them? Of course not.

Now some women will think I am a male chauvinist oinker looking for an excuse to talk about women’s yummy bouncies.

To these women, they should shut up and be grateful that I am talking about this subject, because beneath all the sophomoric lusting is the fact that women will die if they do not get educated on the facts.

Tom Green once wrote a song dedicated to men called, “Play with your balls, or else you’ll get cancer.” If that gets people to spend intimate moments with themselves in the name of medicine, I say keep singing.

So, ladies, even if I never reap the benefits of getting to see, touch, or taste, make sure to rub and bounce those things for your own sake.

Do it for yourselves. You want to live.

If you won’t do it for yourselves, do it for me.

For those of you who will be on Spring Break in Florida, I look forward to seeing you happy, jiggly, bouncy…and most importantly, alive and healthy.

No need to thank me for this public service announcement. The pleasure is all mine.

Happy Yummy Bouncie Medical Saturday

eric

Miami Dolphins at Carolina Panthers

Washington Redskins at Dallas Cowboys

Cleveland Browns at Detroit Lions

San Francisco 49ers at Green Bay Packers

Pittsburgh Steelers at Kansas City Chiefs

Atlanta Falcons at NY Giants

New Orleans Saints at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Buffalo Bills at Jacksonville Jaguars

Indianapolis Colts at Baltimore Ravens

Seattle Seahawks at Minnesota Vikings

Arizona Cardinals at St. Louis Rams

NY Jets at New England Patriots

Cincinnati Bengals at Oakland Raiders

San Diego Chargers at Denver Broncos

Philadelphia Eagles at Chicago Bears

eric

Posted in POLITICS, SPORTS, Uncategorized, WOMEN | 9 Comments »

Republican Party Animals

Monday, November 16th, 2009

This is not your Father’s Republican Party.

I just got back from Arizona and Texas, but last week in Los Angeles I felt like I was in Las Vegas, or at the very least Sodom and Gomorrah.

It was fabulous.

A new “political” group has formed. Welcome to the world of the Republican Party Animals.

http://www.republicanpartyanimals.org/

I would like to thank Scott Edwards and David Stein for bringing this group to several places in America, including Los Angeles. I would especially like to thank my friend Leo Bletnitsky for informing me of the event.

Several rock bands performed, including my friend Eric Porvaznik. He has previously done a takeoff on Neil Young’s “Rocking in the free world,” with the lyrics to “Blame Barack, it’s not a free world.”

This time he went after the liberals and their excessive lust for our tax dollars with the Georgia Satellites song, “Keep your hands to yourself.”

He then sang the standard versions of “I won’t back down” by Tom Petty before blowing the lid off of the place with a pair of ACDC classics. “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” was perfect for this gathering,” and “TNT” had the whole crowd chanting “Oy! Oy! Oy!,” which some thought was either 1980s Australian football star Jacko or Hebrew complaining. It was neither, since the “oy” was not followed by a “vey.”

Scott Edwards described the people perfectly.

“We represent the smoking, drinking, cursing, gambling, and screwing wing of the GOP.”

“Democrats enact smoking bans. Republicans say ‘light ’em up.'”

“Democrats offer frigid feminists. Republicans have smart sexy women. They have Hillary. We have Sarah Palin.”

Although I do enjoy traditional Republican rallies, the trapeze artist was a nice touch. So were the pole dancers, including the one with the delightful underclothing slogan “Got Pole?”

A “firedancer” named Angeldust dressed in pink and black. I used to think fire was made by rubbing two rocks or sticks together. She managed to rub other things together, and her skills with fire were incredible.

Comedy acts included my friends Evan Sayet and Ari David, in addition to myself.

Yet how do you follow that stuff?

My opening line summed it up.

“The Democrats have medicinal marijuana, but we Republicans have Angeldust.”

I am a proud member of the debauchery wing of the GOP.

This is my kind of political party. The drinks and cigars flowed, the miniskirts of the ladies were hiked up, and the cleavage was barely contained.

If this is what we stand for, we should and will win in 2010, at least among the youth male vote. Heck, among the entire male and non-uptight flaming feminist vote. There is no way the politically correct left is having this much fun.

All hail the Republican Party Animals!

eric

Posted in POLITICS, Uncategorized, WOMEN | 15 Comments »

Power and Pressure

Saturday, November 7th, 2009

Before getting to football, today I am thinking about what it all means. No, I am not talking about Fort Hood Texas or the shooting in Orlando Florida. I will never make sense of that, and will wait and see like everybody else.

I certainly don’t mean health care because today’s vote means nothing. The President is speaking, as if that will result in real news.

Between all of this and over 10% unemployment, today is a day for escapism. Tonight until 4am there is a group called “Republican Party Animals.” Heaven help us all.

Until then, I am enjoying solace, and I am thinking about what it all means, in my own little way.

I am thinking about power and pressure.

I had the extremely good fortune awhile back of spending time with a brunette whose brains were matched only by a set of (redacted) and (redacted) that I eventually got to play with.

(Hence the words “extremely good fortune.”)

She was over 40, but was no cougar. If anything, it took a decent amount of persuading on my part. Yet as I was trying to explain to her through my actions that she needed to remove her clothing, she made some comments that led to a deep conversation.

Yes, when the conversation was over, I finally got to play body bongo drums with her (redacted). Yet while that memory will stay with me for some time, the conversation will stay with me much longer.

(Or at least almost as long.)

She remarked that I lived in a very nice place. She lamented that so many people like me got to live in nice places while so many like her struggled.

While I have been accused (justifiably so) of letting anything a hot woman says go unchallenged, on this night substance would trump style. Her comment bothered me, and it needed to be challenged.

Yes, I live in the wealthiest nation on Earth, America. I live in one of the most glamorous cities, Los Angeles. It has poor parts, but I live in the nice area of LA. The very street I live on is the dividing line that everybody asks about. When a girl wants to know a guy, they ask if I live North or South of this street. I tell them I live on it.

They react with pleasant surprise, making me reiterate that, yes, I live right on the street that divides the city. I am three blocks from Beverly Hills, but Beverly Hills is rich people that want to be seen. Three blocks away means my postal address says Los Angeles. This is for the wealthy people that nobody knows.

I live in a high rise condo building. The penthouse people have a view of the city. I have a great view of others who have a better view. I wish the Mayor would get rid of the building across the street. Yet I am facing the city, and do have a good enough view.

At no time has this ever let me lose perspective. Yes, this is a wealthy area, but I was never wealthy. In fact, like most people, I was broke when I graduated college.

When I moved into this area in 1996, I did not even have my own bedroom. Four guys lived in a two bedroom apartment. I could have gotten a studio apartment (the equivalent of a “loft” that only starving artists could glorify), but I wanted a big living room. Not having my own bedroom was a non-issue, even though I had my own room my whole life growing up and in college. It was like being in a fraternity house, which I never did.

The building has a heated pool, a jacuzzi and tennis courts. It has 24 hour security guards. Yet I was broke. When one of the guys had a girl come over, the other three guys would scatter. A woman would come over, see one guy in a two bedroom condo, and be impressed. My having a jacuzzi allowed me to entertain women far more beautiful than I ever had a right to be around.

Somebody once asked me if it was wrong to use my place to attract women. I remembered advice from my Orthodox Rabbi grandfather (rest his soul). He used to sell indulgences. When asked if it was unethical for him to sell passes into Heaven, he responded, “No. It is unethical for people to buy them.” I miss him. So when asked if it was shallow for me to use my place to attract women, I would reply, “No. It was wrong for them to be impressed.”

13 years later, I still live in the same building, although in a bigger place on a higher floor. I have my own large master bedroom with closet space that makes women envious. It never occurred to me, but in the stockbrokerage industry, the phrase “fake it until you make it” is common. My friend remarked to me two years ago that somewhere along the line I “really did become that guy living in the highrise condo.”

Until he said it, it did not hit me. I was not faking it any more. I had actually achieved the status I was striving for.

It did not come easy. I worked hard. When I started out as a 22 year old stockbroker, I arrived in the office at 5am and stayed until 7pm. Four days of 14 hours was followed by a half day on Friday, which was still eight hours. Come 1pm, we were out for the weekend. I had the whole Friday to play, which I spent sleeping before going out.

Like anyone, I scratched and clawed. If it was not for the jacuzzi, I am not sure I would have gotten a single date, certainly not from the caliber of women that came over. The security guards were incredibly kind to me. It made an impression when the woman would arrive in her car, and the guard would say, “Ms. (name redacted) is here.” Nobody came up without a phone call. That gave me a few extra minutes to make sure the place was spotless clean.

One time a woman that I was pursuing for two years finally came over. The guard called up and said, “Ms. (name redacted) is here…and she is very beautiful. You are one lucky man.” She was in a great mood before she even reached my door.

Yet as much as this appears to be a story about women, it is not.

It is about life, and what it takes to live in this area.

It costs a high price. Everything comes at a price.

At any minute, anything and everything could be taken away from me. It can happen to any of us.

The greater the power, the greater the pressure.

The stock market collapse of 2000 did not wipe me out, but it could have. I was lucky. The collapse of 2008 was even tougher, but through a combination of luck and skill I am still in the game.

I have always kept my expenses low, but financial time bombs hit all of us. I have loaned money to friends and borrowed money from them. Everything was paid back.

I have had the same friends my whole life. When we are sitting around the dinner table at a restaurant, some make more than me and some make less. It is impossible to tell who is who, which is how it should be.

Spending money does not mean wasting it. I bought a $2,000 black leather sofa set for $600. The couple getting rid of it was simply too rich to care. One person in my building was throwing out a gorgeous marble table. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. I still can’t believe they got rid of it. My big screen television was worth $3,000 at the time. I bought it for $800 factory refurbished after doing much research on factory refurbished and getting a warranty.

I do not have a million dollars in the bank. Far from it. Yet I am surviving, and at times, thriving. More importantly, at the risk of excessive rhyming, I am always hard driving. Sometimes I am too hard driving.

Fear of failure drives me to succeed. I do not want what I have taken from me.

When I explained this to the 40+ woman in my condo that night, we reached a very clear melding of the minds. She had had a rough life, and knew what it was like to struggle. It does get easier, but it is never easy.

When we were done tasting the sweetness of life (and the rest), she got up, straightened herself up, and went to the balcony to look at the view. I stared at her to look at the view. She said that what she saw was amazing. I, still staring at her, let her know that I thought she was amazing.

She gave me that look that told me to focus on something besides her fabulous (redacteds).

Yet at this point I was staring at her because I did not want to look out the window. A few weeks later I would finally look outside and get some perspective. On this night I did not want to think about it.

Playing with her body brought me a brief respite from my worries. I wanted to just enjoy the moment, but as I told her, in 48 hours I had some business to take care of, and I regretted having to wait two days to get started.

I just can’t go back to being broke. When one is older, it is harder. I am only 37, but it goes by rapidly.

As I kissed her goodnight, we both realized that what had overwhelmed us an hour earlier was just another metaphor for life.

The greater the power, the greater the pressure.

I have little relaxation, but zero regrets. This is the life I chose.

Everything must be earned. I am still learning and still working.

Otherwise the view and everything that comes along with it will be fleeting.

Getting it is tough. Keeping it is tougher.

She saw power. I felt pressure.

eric

Kansas City Chiefs @ Jacksonville Jaguars

Jaguars by 6½

Baltimore Ravens @ Cincinnati Bengals

Ravens by 3

Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts

Colts by 9

Washington Redskins @ Atlanta Falcons

Falcons by 10

Green Bay Packers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Packers by 10

Arizona Cardinals @ Chicago Bears

Bears by 3

Miami Dolphins @ New England Patriots

Patriots by 10½

Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints

Saints by 13½

Detroit Lions @ Seattle Seahawks

Seahawks by 10

Tennessee Titans @ San Francisco 49ers

49ers by 4

San Diego Chargers @ New York Giants

Giants by 5

Dallas Cowboys @ Philadelphia Eagles

Eagles by 3

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Denver Broncos

Broncos by 3

Posted in SPORTS, Uncategorized, WOMEN | 5 Comments »

The Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies of 2009

Monday, June 22nd, 2009

The Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies remains my most popular column of all time, which proves that Americans are willing to put aside partisan politics to look at pictures of hot women with even hotter yummy bouncies.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2008/06/the-top-120-political-yummy-bouncies/

Yet as 2008 turns to 2009, the beginning of Summer brings the Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies of 2009.

When high finance meets high society, we get finance movies such as “Stocks and Blondes,” where the woman is covered only in the ticker tape. Yet even more powerful than the cocktail of sex and Wall Street comes in the mixture of sex and politics.

It is in that spirit that I have compiled the list of the Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies.

Technically this is not much different from listing the top 30 hottest political women, except that the focus is on their T and A.

From the front, I dream of playing sexual volleyball, bouncing them vigorously. From the backside, I hope to play Sir Mixalot’s “Baby Got Back,” while giving them the ketchup bottle treatment.

For those wondering why my girlfriend, the Sacramento Queen, is not on the list, the answer is simple. Her parents are NRA members, and I like being among the living. There is not a woman on earth that compares to her in my opinion. Her body is a temple, and I enjoy worshiping at her altar. Yep, her holy grail is quite holy indeed.

Nevertheless, I had a life before her, which basically consisted of uncontrollable sobbing knowing that the women on this list were not mine. To the best of my knowledge, I have had sex with none of them.

Compiling the list was more difficult than I expected. I thought the trouble would be narrowing the list. The reverse was the case. To even find that many women that caught my attention were rare. Politics is mostly powerful bald white guys, and I have never been attracted to the cue ball look.

The list has been divided into the top 10 liberals, centrists, and independents. Given that they were all anatomically correct, this added up to 20 breasts and 20 hides per all three political denominations.

I did not include pictures to all of the women because they were all fully dressed in the pictures, making the exercise pointless.

Several of these women are over 40, and even in a couple cases over 50. So what? Hot is hot.

Also, some of these women have been removed from the 2008 list. This is not in any way to slight them, even the ones that are raging lefty basket cases. One reason some of these women slipped out of the rankings is that they were fairly apolitical, or at least more under the radar in the last 12 months than in previous years. Another reason is that fresher “talent” showed up.

Lastly, pictures of women are specifically designed to increase ratings, which on blogs means more traffic in the form of hits. Women that don’t generate hits get demoted from the bod squad.

Nevertheless, I now bring the Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies.

Liberals/Democrats: I left out Barbara Boxer because she is older now, although she was a hot piece back in the day. Oh wait, make that Senator Barbara Boxer. She worked hard to get her job, which means that she raised money and made speeches. Upon her retirement, she will be playing the lead of Kate in “Taming of the Shrew.”

With that, the official list is below.

10) Liz Chadderdon/Julia Piscitelli–They are both Democratic strategists. For those who like the anorexic look, these women are not it. They are both curvy and confident. Politically they remain wrong, but that is for another day.

http://org2.democracyinaction.org/o/2741/t/4069/content.jsp?content_KEY=639

http://www.piscitellistrategies.com/aboutus.html

9) Tanya Acker–I sat next to her on a plane recently, and at first I thought she was a Supermodel like Claudia Jordan. She is actually also a Democratic strategist, and an accomplished lawyer as well. She is smoking.

http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view?back=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.search.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%2Fimages%3F_adv_prop%3Dimage%26va%3Dtanya%2Backer%26fr%3Dyfp-t-501&w=115&h=175&imgurl=www.shesource.org%2Fshesource%2Fspeakers%2Facker_tanya_bio.jpg&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.shesource.org%2Fshesource%2Fexpert.php%3Fsource_id%3D382&size=10k&name=acker+tanya+bio+…&p=tanya+acker&oid=526d6c5d6e2c7226&fr2=&no=1&tt=3&sigr=11r55d983&sigi=11ojs9qeq&sigb=12ociiuli

8.) Donna Brazile–She makes this list because of her hysterically salacious appearance on the Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert. She sang “Kansas City,” promising to meet him in a hotel room in that city.

http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view?back=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.search.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%2Fimages%3Fp%3Ddonna%2Bbrazile%26b%3D21%26ni%3D20%26ei%3Dutf-8%26y%3DSearch%26pstart%3D1%26fr%3Dyfp-t-501&w=125&h=188&imgurl=www.maynardije.org%2Fcolumns%2Fdickprince%2F080502_prince%2Fdonna_brazile.jpg&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.maynardije.org%2Fcolumns%2Fdickprince%2F080502_prince&size=47k&name=donna+brazile+jp…&p=donna+brazile&oid=95ab1b0e6831d1e0&fr2=&no=23&tt=410&b=21&ni=20&sigr=11q4ago8p&sigi=125n07941&sigb=13f9mln02

7) Alexis Glick–This woman thinks that reporting economics means being a sycophant for everything Obama says and does. Like I said, this is a beauty contest.

http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view?back=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.search.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%2Fimages%3Fp%3Dalexis%2Bglick%26ei%3Dutf-8%26y%3DSearch%26fr%3Dyfp-t-501&w=260&h=339&imgurl=www.bestlifeonline.com%2Fcms%2Fuploads%2F1%2F0804TPC_honeys_inline3.jpg&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bestlifeonline.com%2Fcms%2Fpublish%2Ffinance%2FInvasion_of_the_Money_Honeys_2.shtml&size=14k&name=0804TPC+honeys+i…&p=alexis+glick&oid=eaf7d6e6ee1f84ba&fr2=&no=2&tt=135&sigr=12m3gjug4&sigi=11vica06r&sigb=12qhdnuke

6) Maria Cantwell–She is is a Senator for Washington State. In addition to being hot, she is also wealthy.

http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view?back=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.search.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%2Fimages%3Fp%3Dmaria%2Bcantwell%26ei%3Dutf-8%26y%3DSearch%26fr%3Dyfp-t-501&w=454&h=500&imgurl=static.flickr.com%2F3221%2F2834837739_32f03c5906.jpg&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flickr.com%2Fphotos%2Fnuncia%2F2834837739%2F&size=91k&name=Senator+Maria+Ca…&p=maria+cantwell&oid=db15aae450da374e&fr2=&fusr=mgonamission&no=15&tt=823&sigr=11f1bmsun&sigi=11glcaa78&sigb=12sr774pt

5) Sarah Silverman–I am still frightened to death of her for some reason. Her great schlep to Florida for Obama was highly disappointing, and another reason why celebrities should just stick to being beautiful.

http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view?back=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.search.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%2Fimages%3Fp%3Dsarah%2Bsilverman%26ei%3Dutf-8%26y%3DSearch%26fr%3Dyfp-t-501&w=629&h=800&imgurl=img295.imageshack.us%2Fimg295%2F7615%2Fsarahsilvermanrollingstci0.jpg&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fslumz.boxden.com%2Fshowthread.php%3Fp%3D8963958&size=39k&name=sarahsilvermanro…&p=sarah+silverman&oid=5bd0cf71113a07ec&fr2=&no=2&tt=15899&sigr=11glln195&sigi=11vl4llt0&sigb=12td2pvo2

4) Christine Pelosi–She brings a camcorder around America filming Republicans. I wonder if she just wants to see them in embarrassing positions. I wonder if any Republicans have filmed her naked in the name of “research.” As hot as she is, remember that she will grow up to resemble the Pelosiraptor. Be afraid.

http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view?back=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.search.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%2Fimages%3Fp%3Dchristine%2Bpelosi%26b%3D1%26ni%3D20%26ei%3Dutf-8%26y%3DSearch%26pstart%3D1%26fr%3Dyfp-t-501&w=281&h=379&imgurl=www.watchingamerica.com%2Fimages%2Fnancypelosi_pic.jpeg&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.watchingamerica.com%2Flemonde0000106.shtml&size=29k&name=nancypelosi+pic+…&p=christine+pelosi&oid=5168d68a91a95cca&fr2=&no=7&tt=49&b=1&ni=20&sigr=11jo0ka9b&sigi=11jvf03hi&sigb=13ht2it69

3) Norah O’Donnell–She is an impartial analyst on MSNBC, meaning she is a liberal. Again, this is a visual contest, with the less auditory aspect being the best. She is stunning.

http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view?back=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.search.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%2Fimages%3Fp%3Dnorah%2Bo%2527donnell%26js%3D1%26ni%3D21%26ei%3DUTF-8%26y%3DSearch%26fr%3Dyfp-t-501&w=368&h=278&imgurl=www.reportercaps.com%2FHome_MSNBC%2Fnodonnell%2Fnorah_odonnell_02.jpg&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.reportercaps.com%2FHome_MSNBC%2Fmsnbc_nodonnell.php&size=24k&name=norah+odonnell+0…&p=norah+o%27donnell&oid=5ec3001b698ef5a0&fr2=&no=7&tt=233&ni=21&sigr=11qmrpfgf&sigi=11v2cul1g&sigb=13a803d43

2) Naomi Wolf–Yes she has become part of the lunatic fringe that believes in 9/11 conspiracies, and compares President Bush to the evil in this world. Who cares? This is a subjective beauty contest, and she is a hot piece of Jewish rumpus. Plus, one of her sex books helped me get more than my fair share, which proves that even feminists can be useful from time to time.

http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view?back=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.search.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%2Fimages%3Fp%3Dnaomi%2Bwolf%26ei%3Dutf-8%26y%3DSearch%26fr%3Dyfp-t-501&w=1000&h=1250&imgurl=oregonstate.edu%2Fdept%2Fncs%2Fphotos%2Fnaomiwolf.jpg&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Firdial.com%2Fblogdial%3Fcat%3D12&size=936k&name=naomiwolf+jpg&p=naomi+wolf&oid=be53df9022bc6010&fr2=&no=3&tt=889&sigr=111pql7oq&sigi=11dsp2r4g&sigb=12o0qdl2k#FCar=795513faed30b214

1) Alicia Menendez–She is the Jane Fleming of 2009. There is something sexy about an angry hot woman. She looks like she is ready to pop out of her skin when debating Republicans. I wish this Latina would just pop out of her clothing.

http://aliciamenendez.com/about/

Centrists/Independents: Entertainment reporter Shira Lazar would have made the list, but she rarely discusses politics. She is a sweet girl, and easy on the eyes.

10) Lu Parker–She replaces Mirtha Salinas on the list since Los Angeles Mayor and alpha dog Antonio Villaraigosa made the switch as well. No wonder this guy gets such positive news coverage.

http://www.luparker.com/home.html

9) Alycia Lane–This psychotic news anchor has emailed illicit pics of herself to the married Rich Eisen of the NFL Network, in addition to assaulting a cop. Like the Jerry Reed song says, when you’re hot you’re hot.

http://alycia-lane.vox.com/

8.) Robin Meade–This news reporter has covered everything from the Olympics to the war in Afghanistan. She can cover anything she wants at any time for any reason. I just wish I could uncover her.

http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/meade.robin.html

7) Tammy Bruce–I am pro-gay rights for everybody except her. We should donate ugly women to the lesbian community in exchange for her. She curses like a sailor, and the fact that I am completely intimidated by her is a turn on.

http://www.tammybruce.com/

6) Ashlee Dupree–Any woman that destroys Eliot Spitzer and appears in a Girls Gone Wild video is a Goddess. I normally do not endorse drugs and prostitution, but she is why the lord created Spring Break.

http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view?back=http%3A%2F%2Fsearch.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%3Fei%3DUTF-8%26p%3Dashley%2Bdupree%26y%3DSearch&w=490&h=398&imgurl=www.popcrunch.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2008%2F03%2Fashley12.jpg&size=52.2kB&name=ashley12+jpg&rcurl=http%3A%2F%2Fdcrepublican.com%2F2008%2F04&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fdcrepublican.com%2F2008%2F04&p=ashley+dupree&type=jpeg&no=3&tt=60&oid=ef35f2ba9937eeda&tit=ashley12+jpg&sigr=10v4outrp&sigi=11pi1dmrv&sigb=120196ol3#FCar=bd26f184766ed558

5) Campbell Brown–CNN would have much higher ratings if she was allowed to moderate Presidential debates in her undies. She is a smart woman, but this column could care less. She reigns supreme at the Cheesecake News Network. Additionally, she converted to Judaism to marry her husband, a Jewish Republican.

http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/brown.campbell.html

4) Kiran Chetry–She is also a Cheesecake News Network girl. She was not the hottest woman at Fox News, but at CNN where the journalistic standards are lower, her legs fit in perfectly.

http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/KiranChetry/

3) Lauren Sivan–This Fox News goddess is smoldering. Her last piece was about something I cannot even remember. Speaking of piece, I would love one.

http://www.foxnews.com/bios/talent/lauren-sivan/

2) Dagan McDowell–Scarlett O’hara made it to Wall Street. Her accent could melt butter, and her brilliance is overshadowed by her beauty.

http://www.daganmcdowell.com/

1) Carla Bruni–She is the first lady of France. Nicolas Sarkozy understands that the only reason to gain power is to bed models. Between Bruni and Segolene Royal, the French have all they need for a prime time jello wrestling special.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0116257/

Conservatives/Republicans: I left Barbara Bush off the list. I am not referring to the President’s mother. I am referring to his daughter. Barbara is adorable, but out of respect for the Dub, I will say no more. George W. Bush, just know I want to be her Secret Service body guard. Please do not waterboard me, I voted for you twice. Michelle Malkin is not on the list because I am beyond intimidated by her. When she goes on television and flares her nostrils in anger, I want to hide in the corner and cry. I am a sissy. The blogosphere has a republican Jewish blogger named Spree. When she becomes more famous, I will make sure the world knows that I was the one who made salacious comments about her when others ignored her body and insulted her by judging her blog on the quality of the writing. I also left out Ms. California Carrie Prejean only because I prefer brunettes.

10) Monica Crowley–She worked for Richard Nixon. Her sister is married to Alan Colmes, but she has stayed on the right side of the aisle, where her loveliness resides.

http://monicamemo.typepad.com/weblog/

9) S E Cupp–She is not an A cup. She is not a DDD cup. She is an S E Cupp. I asked her if I could cup her S E Cupps in my hands, which is how I obtained these brand new stitches. She is so hot that the stitches are popping out. Lust hurts.

http://www.red-secupp.blogspot.com/

8.–tie) Kate Obenshain–She claims to have 4 children. Some women never age. She is deep into Republican politics, and I am deeply into her, albeit from afar, given the restraining order.

http://www.yaf.org/staff/kate_obenshain.cfm

8.–tie) Patricia Heaton–The mom from Everybody Loves Raymond is a Republican. Forget Raymond. Everybody loves Patricia.

http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view?back=http%3A%2F%2Fsearch.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%3Fei%3DUTF-8%26p%3Dpatricia%2Bheaton%26y%3DSearch&w=129&h=185&imgurl=www.surgeontothestars.com%2Fimages%2Fcelebrities%2Fpatricia_heaton%2Fpatricia_heaton.jpg&size=5.7kB&name=patricia+heaton+jpg&rcurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.surgeontothestars.com%2Fpages%2Fcelebrities%2Fpatricia_heaton.shtml&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.surgeontothestars.com%2Fpages%2Fcelebrities%2Fpatricia_heaton.shtml&p=Patricia+Heaton&type=jpeg&no=3&tt=111&oid=0014c82eeb9d1edc&tit=patricia+heaton+jpg&sigr=1284i8n0d&sigi=12gg7rc6g&sigb=12222ndk7#FCar=5aa9cea7ea0c5aa4

7–tie) Bristol Palin–I am treading VERY carefully on this one. I have a deep respect for her family, and was enraged when David Letterman made his callous remarks. Yet I have to admit that they keep showing that video of her at the convention where she is wearing that black fuzzy sweater. She is as gorgeous as her mother, which says a lot.

http://www.newsday.com/news/politics/ny-palin-family-pg,0,1547800.photogallery

7–tie) Sarah Palin–She is the Governor of Alaska, and a possible candidate for President in 2012. Her 91% approval rating may be because men outnumber women in Alaska by 25-1. Her enemies want to destroy her. My only problem with her is her stance on marriage. Specifically, she is married to somebody who is not me. The former beauty queen could easily win that same title today.

http://www.jackbook.com/sexy-news/sarah-palin-vogue-magazine

6) Michele Bachmann–This Congresswoman from Minnesota is smart as a whip. She is not into whips, preferring family values. She was never in Bachmann Turner Overdrive, but she turns me into overdrive. She should reprise the role of underwear model made famous by Terri Garr.

http://www.michelebachmann.com/

5) Patti Ann Browne–Her bare shoulders light up the nighttime Fox News channel. She is especially hot when quoting gangsta rap lyrics.

http://www.pattiannbrowne.com/

4) Mary Katharine Ham–I met her in real life, and she is incredibly classy and dignified. She is a sweet, cool person. She was the subject of the worst blogging 4 part trilogy in history, which began with “Help me Rabbi, I am desiring Ham.”

http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view?back=http%3A%2F%2Fsearch.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%3Fei%3DUTF-8%26p%3Dmary%2Bkatharine%2Bham%2Bpics%26y%3DSearch&w=359&h=240&imgurl=www.rightwingnews.com%2Fgraphics%2Fvlog4.jpg&size=21.2kB&name=vlog4+jpg&rcurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.rightwingnews.com%2Farchives%2Fweek_2006_08_20.PHP&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.rightwingnews.com%2Farchives%2Fweek_2006_08_20.PHP&p=mary+katharine+ham&type=jpeg&no=3&tt=92&oid=9df34dbb94f5b38c&tit=vlog4+jpg&sigr=11psl4vah&sigi=118qa4ug9&sigb=12aal3ls2#FCar=973a25f57f1931ba

3) Julie Banderas–As for why I want to paddle her, it might be because I have a pulse. College students may not get Playboy in the dorms, but viewing her on Fox News is the next best thing.

http://www.julie-banderas.com/

2) Andrea Tantaros–This republican strategist has a devastating piercing tongue, and men around America want to experience it. She was the spokeswoman for Jeanine Pirro, and they would rival any mother-daughter jello wrestling tag team. Only she could get away with calling Barack Obama a “wussie.”

http://www.andreatantaros.com/

1) Shannen Doherty–Her speech at the 1992 Republican Convention captivated men. So did her playboy spreads. I have met her and spoken politics with her. I wish I had taken her on top of the jewelry table, but I was moderately less tactless back then.

http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view?back=http%3A%2F%2Fsearch.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%3Fei%3DUTF-8%26p%3Dshannon%2Bdoherty%26y%3DSearch&w=410&h=513&imgurl=www.pestaola.gr%2Fimages%2Fshannen_doherty_03.jpg&size=40.5kB&name=shannen+doherty+03+jpg&rcurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.pestaola.gr%2F2006%2F07%2F21%2Fshannen-doherty-the-cute-bitch&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.pestaola.gr%2F2006%2F07%2F21%2Fshannen-doherty-the-cute-bitch&p=shannen+doherty&type=jpeg&no=1&tt=24%2C712&oid=b2745190db7444ee&tit=shannen+doherty+03+jpg&sigr=120ap1di9&sigi=11d31r0kg&sigb=122u4mcd4#FCar=b2745190db7444ee

Well, all these women will have to live with the fact that my focus is now on the Sacramento Queen. They are simply too late. Now I need to take a midday nap. Time to count sheep, or in my case, the Sacramento Queen’s apolitical yummy bouncies.

4…8…12…zzzzzzzzzz

eric

Posted in POLITICS, WOMEN | No Comments »

The Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies–2009 Nominations

Thursday, June 18th, 2009

On June 21st, 2008, I wrote what to this day (God help us all, America) remains my most popular column.

I listed the Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies. 30 liberals, 30 centrists, and 30 conservatives were judged by their T and A.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2008/06/the-top-120-political-yummy-bouncies/

This is not a beauty pageant where idiotic things like talent competitions take place. It is solely based on physical appeal.

For those of you who are feminists, shut up. I don’t want to hear it. If you were more attractive, you would want to be judged by your looks, and kill to be on beauty lists. Until politically correct people are out buying the Susan Boyle Swimsuit Calendar, get off your moral high horse.

This is not misogyny. This is a celebration of female beauty, and nothing more.

I would like anybody and everybody to send me ideas. For those to embarrassed to leave them in the comments section, email me privately.

For those who disagree with my final decisions, get your own d@mn blog. This is subjective.

Below were my choices for the Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies of 2008.

Liberals/Democrats: I left out Senator Barbara Boxer because she is older now, although she was a hot piece back in the day. I left out Obama Girl because she was too lazy to even vote for him. Patti Davis, despite a playboy spread, should be off the list because her father, the great Ronald Reagan, deserves to rest in peace. Al Gores former campaign manager Donna Brazile almost made the cut, due to her salacious appearance on the Colbert Report where she offered to have sex with him in a Kansas City hotel room. This list was written before I saw Washington State Senator Maria Cantwell on television. She will absolutely make future lists.

http://i216.photobucket.com/albums/cc241/tashaj00/397px-Maria_Cantwell_official_photo.jpg

With that, the official list is below.

10) Rachel Sklar–She is affiliated with the Huffington Post. Providing a link to promote that site is a non-starter. However, with her, just hit the mute button and enjoy.

9) Julie Roginsky–She is a democratic strategist. She is hot. She speaks as well, but I remember not one word.

8.) Sarah Gore–Her father tried to steal an election, but she used to steal the loins of men with pulses. She recently got married. I am green, but with envy, not environmentalism.

7) Lisa Lange–She is associated with Peta, and was behind their naked marketing campaign. She is proof that no matter how awful an organization is, guys will listen when a woman is promoting nakedness.

6) Alexandra Kerry–I really wanted to be between her legs in 2004, but not enough to vote for her father.

5) Segolene Royal–The former French Socialist candidate for Prime Minister is so regal. She was sleeping with the party chairman, and they had kids. The French election was a coin flip, since my head supported Nicolas Sarkozy despite her being a hot piece of tail.

4) Julia Allison–She used to date a democratic senator. Every aspect of her life is on the internet. She is like Jim Carrey in The Truman Show, only with a much sexier body and much more granola lifestyle.

3) Jackie Clarke–She did an entire play dedicated to the movie Showgirls. She likes football, cursing, and talking about her female body parts. She is equally frightening and ketchup bottle worthy.

2tie) Norah ODonnell–She is an impartial analyst on MSNBC, meaning she is a liberal. Again, this is a visual contest, with the less auditory aspect being the best. She is stunning.

2tie) Naomi Wolf–Yes she has become part of the lunatic fringe that believes in 9/11 conspiracies, and compares President Bush to the evil in this world. Who cares? This is a subjective beauty contest, and she is a hot piece of Jewish rumpus. Plus, one of her sex books helped me get more than my fair share, which proves that even feminists can be useful from time to time.

1) Jane Fleming–Recently married with two children, those pouty lips of hers are a perfect fit for her constantly angry television appearances. I think she actually has a Hillary Clinton nutcracker that she keeps on her kitchen counter. She is the reason pool tables were invented.

http://www.ideagrove.com/blog/uploaded_images/sklar-711528.jpg

http://newsbusters.org/media/2007-03-05-MSNBC-MSL-Brewer.jpg

http://i165.photobucket.com/albums/u78/lxnetworks/SaraGore-LXTV.jpg

http://www.jfxonline.com/jfxonline/2007/12/11/peta-vs-the-olsen-twins/

http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/english/doc/2004-05/18/xin_360501181640580182029.jpg

http://www.zimbio.com/Segolene+Royal/articles/15/Segolene+Royal+Bikini+Pictures+Spark+Debate

http://dailymoxie.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/julia-allison-with-laptop.jpg

http://www.jackieclarke.blogspot.com/

http://possumblog.mu.nu/images/norah%20odonnell-small.jpg

http://www.arlindo-correia.com/Naomi_Wolf.jpg

http://msunderestimated.com/JaneFlemingYDs.jpg

Centrists/Independents: Entertainment reporter Shira Lazar would have made the list, but she rarely discusses politics. She is a sweet girl, and easy on the eyes. Sarah Silverman frightens me to death, and her comments are barely political. She is proof that hot women can say anything at any time for any reason.

10) The women of Poland–Women in Poland are stripping naked to protest against politics being dominated by men. I support their freedom of expression.

9) Alison Rosen/Michelle Collins–They are both commentators on Redeye, and I do not think they have ever been on at the same time. They might be the same person. I hope they have 8 yummy bouncies instead of 4.

8.) Gloria Estefan–Yes, she is a Cuban singer. She also got very political during the Elian Gonzalez fiasco. I would do the Conga if I was in bed and she was there.

4) Kiran Chetry–She is also a Cheesecake News Network girl. She was not the hottest woman at Fox News, but at CNN where the journalistic standards are lower, her legs fit in perfectly.

3) Dagan McDowell–Scarlett Ohara made it to Wall Street. Her accent could melt butter, and her brilliance is overshadowed by her beauty.

2) Mirthala Salinas–She is the news reporter that slept with the Mayor of Los Angeles with a name that is hard to spell. I give the Mayor credit. He has excellent taste.

1) Carla Bruni–She is the first lady of France. Nicolas Sarkozy understands that the only reason to gain power is to bed models. Between Bruni and Royal, the French have all they need for a prime time jello wrestling special.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article2524557.ece

http://alisonmrosen.blogspot.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAXh_8hOAs4

http://www.starpulse.com/Music/Estefan,_Gloria/Pictures/

http://www.tammybruce.com/

http://celebrity.rightpundits.com/?p=3320

http://www.reportercaps.com/Home_MSNBC/msnbc_cbrown.php

http://www.beyondhollywood.com/gallery/category/kiran-chetry/

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://daganmcdowell.com/images/dagan_mcdowell_fnc.jpg&imgrefurl=http://daganmcdowell.com/about_dagan.htm&h=240&w=320&sz=11&tbnid=7mUEJ-z11ycJ::&tbnh=89&tbnw=118&prev=/images%3Fq%3Ddagan%2Bmcdowell%2Bpics&hl=en&sa=X&oi=image_result&resnum=2&ct=image&cd=1

http://www.lataco.com/taco/wp-content/uploads/mirthala.jpg

http://www.perfectpeople.net/photo-picture-image/19207/carla-bruni.htm

Conservatives/Republicans: I left Barbara Bush off the list. I am not referring to our current President’s mother. I am referring to his daughter. Barbara is adorable, but out of respect for the Dub, I will say no more. George W. Bush, just know I want to be her Secret Service body guard. Please do not waterboard me, I voted for you twice. Michelle Malkin is not on the list because I am beyond intimidated by her. When she goes on television and flares her nostrils in anger, I want to hide in the corner and cry. I am a sissy. Patricia Heaton, who played the wife on Everybody Loves Raymond, is one hot mom. She has contributed to republicans, and I wonder if she was naked when she wrote the check. Fred Thompson’s wife Geri is stunning, but out of respect for the Alpha Dog, I will leave it at that. I met them and liked them. The blogosphere has a republican Jewish blogger named Spree. When she becomes more famous, I will make sure the world knows that I was the one who made salacious comments about her when others ignored her body and insulted her by judging her blog on the quality of the writing.

10) Jeanine Pirro–She may not have defeated Hillary Clinton in New York, but this prosecutor would easily win a contest over Hillary in terms of who guys would want to paddle. She also appears on Redeye, where she pops out opinions as she pops out her cleavage.

9) Amanda Carpenter–This Townhall political reporter is an incredibly sweet person. I almost left her off the list out of respect, given how dignified she is. However, I needed one more name, and she is very pretty.

8.) Sarah Palin–She is the Governor of Alaska, and a possible candidate for Vice President. Her 91% approval rating may be because men outnumber women in Alaska by 25-1.

7) Kate Obenshain–She claims to have 4 children. Some women never age. She is deep into republican politics, and I am deeply into her, albeit from afar, given the restraining order.

5) Angie Harmon–She is married to retired football star Jason Sehorn. As the hot republican prosecutor on Law and Order, her first episode was fabulous. When she thundered, “Hang ‘em all, no deals for anybody,” I realized that there is nothing sexier than a tough hot woman in charge of the penal code.

3) Julie Banderas–As for why I want to paddle her, it might be because I have a pulse. College students may not get Playboy in the dorms, but viewing her on Fox News is the next best thing.

http://www.newscopy.org/images/jeanine_pirro_2006.jpg

http://www.townhall.com/Columnists/AmandaCarpenter

http://gov.state.ak.us/

http://www.cblpi.org/programs/bio.cfm?ID=40&Type=Speaker

http://bachmann.house.gov/

http://www.superiorpics.com/angie_harmon/

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/7/78/MaryKatharineHam.jpg/225px-MaryKatharineHam.jpg&imgrefurl=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Katharine_Ham&h=281&w=225&sz=11&tbnid=soXz7AksSvsJ::&tbnh=114&tbnw=91&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dmary%2Bkatharine%2Bham&hl=en&sa=X&oi=image_result&resnum=3&ct=image&cd=1

http://activitypit.ning.com/group/tantalizingtantaros

http://www.shannen-doherty.net/

Now the only thing to do is to select the Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies of 2009.

Let the bouncing begin.

eric

Posted in POLITICS, WOMEN | 5 Comments »

Bea Arthur–Farewell to a likable feminist

Monday, April 27th, 2009

Comedians have lost a target, and the rest of the entertainment industry has lost a jewel. Bea Arthur is no longer with us.

She died peaceably at her home in Los Angeles at the age of 86.

http://bighollywood.breitbart.com/egolub/2009/04/26/bea-arthur-farewell-to-a-likable-feminist/

She will be missed.

eric

Posted in Uncategorized, WOMEN | 2 Comments »

Happy 70th Lee Majors

Thursday, April 23rd, 2009

The Fall Guy turns 70 today.

http://bighollywood.breitbart.com/egolub/2009/04/23/happy-70th-lee-majors/

Happy birthday Lee Majors.

eric

Posted in POLITICS, Uncategorized, WOMEN | 1 Comment »

THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

Archive for the ‘WOMEN’ Category

Cupid, Shut her up so I can enjoy the Daytona 500

Hanukkah Night 7–Lighting Candles, Smacking Women, and Clubbing Men

My Interview With Stevie Rivenbark

Yummy Bouncie Medical Saturday

Republican Party Animals

Power and Pressure

The Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies of 2009

The Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies–2009 Nominations

Bea Arthur–Farewell to a likable feminist

Happy 70th Lee Majors

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