THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

Before getting to football, I want to say some words about the KKK.

No, not the Ku Klux Klan. That organization was evil. Every member of that group should be placed on an eternal wall of shame. The idea that people murdered, robbed, and beat other human beings based on the color of their skin or their religion is the very essence of what it means to lack humanity.

Yet today another KKK is surfacing.

These people have not killed or tried to kill anybody. They seem to be tolerant of other races and religions. They might not even be inherently evil. Yet they are destructive to American society.

America is declining, and they are rapidly leading that collapse.

I am referring to that “other” KKK that must be eradicated forever.

That’s right.

I am talking about Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney.

I want to live in a world without Kardashians.

We are becoming a nation of imbeciles, and they are leading the army of stupidity.

It has to stop. If it takes every television set simultaneously malfunctioning (except when the football game is on) for these people to go away, so be it.

Kim might be the worst of the three, although that says a lot. She dates NFL players, which means that even football is not safe from her.

At least she spells her own name right. The same cannot be said for Amerika’s darlings Khloe and Kourtney.

There was a time in history when to be known, you had to actually have something resembling a skill.

There was an era when to receive a paycheck you had to actually do something.

Elizabeth Taylor and George Hamilton are famous for being famous, but once upon a time they actually did work, and quite brilliantly.

Theses women, when not giggling in a manner less intelligible than the ladies on the View (now that says a lot), are hawking their own Kredit Kard, the Kardashian Kard. It was a major ripoff. The women claimed not to know about this, and I believe them. I would be skeptical if they did know something about anything.

One of them was kicked off of Celebrity Apprentice for a drunk driving conviction. Not since Omarosa has anybody been less deserving of the title of celebrity. As for the drunk driving, this is to be expected from overprivileged airheads who are on television simply because their father was friends with a famous athlete accused in the trial of the century for murder.

The remnants of O.J. Simpson are still being felt. First we were stuck with Larry King wasting even more time than usual, even by CNN standards. Then we were gifted with the delightfully irrelevant Kato Kaelin. At least they disappeared along with Larry King’s audience. Yet the Kardashians are here to stay. They will never leave. Not now, not ever.

No product is too shameless to hawk, and no camera too small to be ignored unless it is on a channel these women would fail to understand, such as C-Span.

I suspect these triple terrors of talking think that C-Span is a channel where reasonably large breasted women spread their arms and take competing measurements.

Some will say that these women are not hurting anybody.

This is wrong. They are hurting young girls everywhere by teaching them that being substanceless is the way to happiness. Many intelligent girls pretend to be idiots because they truly believe the boys like it. The problem with this is that as time goes by, bimbos become painfully aware that they are not marriage material. Also, the Kardashians have money. Average bimbos do not end up as carefree when they have bills to pay and no rich boys to take care of things.

The world thinks that Americans are shallow materialistic narcissists. I try to make a case for the positive aspects of this nation I love, but all the world sees are the television images of Kardashistan.

When will the madness stop? It is like an entire letter of the alphabet has been hijacked. What else will these vapid ladies endorse?

Special K Cereal?

K Y Jelly?

Kandy Korns?

Kaviar?

Karl’s Jr. is a must. Dennis Rodman and Paris Hilton endorsed them, which means the bar has beet set very low.

(To be fair to Mr Rodman, he was a good basketball player. As for her, as the movie said, forget Paris.)

I want to live in an intelligent world. So I ask my fellow Americans to turn away from these women until they contribute anything to society that can remotely be considered positive.

Charity does not count. They have trust funds. It has to be a significant tangible contribution that they gave the world on their own.

Until then, they are just taking up space.

It is not their fault.

The blame falls on those giving them ratings.

Just say no to the KKK. No more ratings. No more press. No more attention.

No more anything.

Get rid of the KKK and replace it with P and Q.

Peace and quiet.

eric

Indianapolis Colts @ Tennessee Titans was the Thursday night game.

Cleveland Browns @ Buffalo Bills

(Bills by 1, they cover)

Atlanta Falcons @ Carolina Panthers

(Falcons by 7 1/2, they win but fail to cover)

Green Bay Packers @ Detroit Lions

(Packers by 6 1/2, they win but fail to cover)

Oakland Raiders @ Jacksonville Jaguars

(Jaguars by 4, Raiders win outright)

New York Giants @ Minnesota Vikings

(Giants by 3, Vikings win outright)

Cincinnati Bengals @ Pittsburgh Steelers

(Steelers by 8 1/2, they cover)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Washington Redskins

(Buccaneers by 2, Redskins win outright)

St Louis Rams @ New Orleans Saints

(Saints by 9, they win but fail to cover)

Seattle Seahawks @ San Francisco 49ers

(49ers by 5, they win but fail to cover)

Denver Broncos @ Arizona Cardinals

(Broncos by 4 1/2, Cardinals win outright)

New England Patriots @ Chicago Bears

(Patriots by 3, they cover)

Miami Dolphins @ New York Jets

(Jets by 5 1/2, they win but fail to cover)

Kansas City Chiefs @ San Diego Chargers

(Chargers by 7, they cover)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys

(Eagles by 3 1/2, Cowboys win outright)

Baltimore Ravens @ Houston Texans

(Ravens by 3, they cover)

eric

Before getting to football, one of the things that gun control advocates use to attack the National Rifle Association is the tragic scenario of a child picking up a loaded gun and accidentally killing themselves.

This literally and figuratively misses the mark by trying to blame inanimate objects for incorrect human behavior. As with any other product, gun owners need to be responsible. It is impossible to legislate intelligence and logic. If it was, most people would be conservatives anyway.

(Yeah, that was gratuitous. Let it go.)

Yet a recent experience has me thinking that we must “do something” to save people from themselves.

It happened in my home the other day.

One minute it was a normal day. Moments later, a simple misfire shot me right in my eye. There was what appeared to be blood everywhere. I was not in tremendous pain because it was only a ricochet, but I realized that unless government got involved and regulated these things, somebody was going to get killed.

That’s right. I am talking about the “Killer Pop Top.”

It turned out after careful inspection that it was not blood. It was tomato sauce. Either way, the shirt would require extra heavy laundry detergent.

I don’t know who the people at Chef Boyardee are trying to market to, but their product is deadly.

Can one of these d@ng spaghetti and meatballs containers not be a deadly weapon? It is like a Jack-in-the-Box mated with a coiled snake and produced a dinner made by Chucky, and I don’t mean the mouse behind Chuck E. Cheese either.

Can liberals in Congress mandate warning labels stating that opening this product may result in an unclean kitchen counter?

Also, how did it get past my glasses? I was not wearing safety goggles, but still. One minute I was getting ready to attack lunch, and the next minute lunch was attacking me.

I am not saying we should mandate a public safety course before opening a Chef Boyardee Killer Pop Top. However, perhaps there are some voluntary training videos we can all watch before operating these things.

Also, Chef Boyardee may wish to lower its prices by 1% to take into account that we do not get to eat every single ounce of the product. A couple of droplets cannot be reached, no matter how deep one maneuvers their mouth around the inside of the lid.

You may not be concerned about this, but if it was your child with a tomato stain in the eye you would feel differently.

I would write my Congressman, but he is an imbecile. However, such touchy-feely stuff may allow him to actually be of use.

To make matters worse, this happened during halftime. By the time I reacted to getting struck in the eye, the second half kickoff had already happened. Sure, I could have gone back and seen it anyway on Tivo, but the moment was gone forever. In fact, my entire existence was pushed back a couple of minutes. My choices were to either oversleep by a couple minutes the next day or sacrificing those two minutes of slumber forever.

So thank you Chef Boyardee, for getting around FDA regulations and allowing me to be shot with the force of a tomato-coated bullet from a pasta machine gun.

I will not be suing because when their products are not trying to injure me, they are mighty tasty. I especially like the Canneloni derivative that consists of…well, not sure exactly. It is yummy though.

I survived the episode, but I am warning these Chef Boyardee cans themselves…I have my eye on you. If you even try to shoot at me again, I will wear the safety goggles and a smock. You will be powerless. Then I will burn you to death in my microwave and eat you until you are gone forever.

eric

New England Patriots @ Detroit Lions

(Patriots by 7, they cover)

New Orleans Saints @ Dallas Cowboys

(Saints by 3.5, they win but fail to cover)

Cincinnati Bengals @ New York Jets

(Jets by 9, they cover)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ New York Giants

(Giants by 9, they win but fail to cover)

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Buffalo Bills

(Steelers by 6, they win but fail to cover)

Tennessee Titans @ Houston Texans

(Texans by 6.5, they win but fail to cover)

Minnesota Vikings @ Washington Redskins

(Redskins by 2.5, Vikings win outright)

Green Bay Packers @ Atlanta Falcons

(Falcons by 2, they cover)

Carolina Panthers @ Cleveland Browns

(Browns by 10, they win but fail to cover)

Kansas City Chiefs @ Seattle Seahawks

(Chiefs by 1, they cover)

Miami Dolphins @ Oakland Raiders

(Raiders by 3, they cover)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Chicago Bears

(Eagles by 3.5, they cover)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Baltimore Ravens

(Ravens by 7.5, they cover)

St. Louis Rams @ Denver Broncos

(Broncos by 4, they win but fail to cover)

San Diego Chargers @ Indianapolis Colts

(Colts by 3, they cover)

San Francisco 49ers @ Arizona Cardinals

(49ers by 1, Cardinals win outright)

eric

On Wednesday I decided not to fight with thousands of people at an airport for the right to fly somewhere.

On Friday I have decided not to fight with thousand of people at a mall or electronics store for the right to buy something I can buy online.

I have friends and family, but this Thanksgiving Thursday is a day of calm and quiet.

I am not spending it with my family because they live 3000 miles away. I will see them next week for Hanukkah, which is a much bigger deal for me.

Most of my life is spent around people, so what is necessary from time to time is the ability to decompress. I am Type A, and have to learn how to mellow out.

So with nobody telling me I “can’t,” I shall watch 9 hours of football and pound out a Swanson (turkey, of course, with stuffing) Dinner.

Chances are food coma will force me to sleep in on Friday, which I will somehow force myself to do.

Then it is back to work.

This day off will be well spent. It is not how everybody would do it, but others do not lead my life, and I would not know how to lead theirs.

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving, and may it be whatever works best for you.

eric

Before getting to football, today is a day to honor greatness.

Today is a day to celebrate Jenn O’Neal.

For those of you who are wondering who Jenn O’Neal is, I pity you.

She is now officially a legend, immortalized forever in the annals (annals sounds like a bad word, but it is really harmless.) of the Tygrrrr Express.

Jenn O’Neal is my 1000th Facebook friend.

For those chronicling me (I pity you again), I think it is about high time that Americans celebrate artificial metrics of meaningless internet social acceptance.

I mean it is one thing to have 999 or 1001 friends. To be # 1000 is special because Americans like zeroes and round numbers. We do not have 9 Commandments or 11 Amendments making up the Bill of Rights to the U.S. Constitution. We do not have 49 or 51 states. Sorry DC, but until we sell Alaska or Hawaii (or better yet Massachusetts), there will be no changes.

So in the spirit of everything nice and symmetrical, today is a day to celebrate # 1000 Jenn O’Neal.

So who is she?

Actually, I am not sure. I don’t know her that well.

She seems like a nice enough person.

I met her when I spoke to the Camarillo Republican Women in Ventura County, about 45 minutes North of my home. She is a college student who heads up the Camarillo College Republicans.

When I informed her that the honor did not come with any financial reward (not even gift certificates), I am sure she wished that she was not the 1000th (or any for that matter) friend of mine.

Well too bad. Moses did not want to be selected either, and things turned out fine for him.

(Well actually he is dead, but things were good for awhile, not counting the speech impediment for putting a hot coal in his mouth, and the fact that his followers hated him and let him down and were given eternal damnation.)

The point is we do not appreciate the greatness thrust upon us until it is too late.

One day Jenn O’Neal will be 19, and she will remember way back when a year earlier when she was 18. At some point she will be an entire two decades.

I was going somewhere with this, but that is not the point.

Anyway, some people wanted to know (actually nobody did, but I am telling you anyway) what would happen if a bunch of people de-friended me to take me back below 1000 friends.

I came to the conclusion that when the odometer reaches 100,000 miles, driving backwards will not take it back to five 9s (which can win in Poker assuming one is playing with wild cards).

(I learned this from the Tiny Toons movie “How I spent my Summer vacation,” which 20 years later is still hilarious.)

Since I normally discuss football on Saturdays, think about this. When Brett Favre began playing football, Jenn O’Neal was still in the womb, totally unaware of what greatness would come to Favre…and her.

Now Favre is in his final season, but Jenn O’Neal’s accolades are just beginning.

(Although she has never thrown for 400 yards in a game. Then again, Favre only did it twice, and only once in his first 19 years.)

Anyway, here are some pictures of Jenn O’Neal.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/album.php?profile=1&id=660735451

If you cannot view them, it is because I have no idea how much of Facebook works. Just because I have over 1000 friends does not mean I have met or seen them.

There is so much more I can say, but for now, I would like to forever congratulate Jenn O’Neal for saving me the time of actually having to come up with an idea for a column on this fine Saturday.

Well done Ms. O’Neal. May your immortality be a source of pride (or at least not too much shame) in your entire inner circle.

May that circle never be unbroken.

(I do like that song.)

1000 Facebook friends and counting.

That means something, and one day, I hope to know exactly what.

eric

Baltimore Ravens @ Atlanta Falcons

(Pick em, Falcons win)

Detroit Lions @ Buffalo Bills

(Bills by 3, they cover)

Minnesota Vikings @ Chicago Bears

New York Jets @ Cleveland Browns

(Jets by 3, Browns win outright)

Cincinnati Bengals @ Indianapolis Colts

(Colts by 8, they win but fail to cover)

Houston Texans @ Jacksonville Jaguars

(Jaguars by 1 1/2, Texans win outright)

Tennessee Titans @ Miami Dolphins

(Titans by 1 1/2, they cover)

Carolina Panthers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

(Buccaneers by 7, they win but fail to cover)

Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Broncos

(Chiefs by 1, Broncos win outright)

Seattle Seahawks @ Arizona Cardinals

(Cardinals by 3, they cover)

Dallas Cowboys @ New York Giants

(Giants by 14, they win but fail to cover)

St. Louis Rams @ San Francisco 49ers

(49ers by 5 1/2, they win but fail to cover)

New England Patriots @ Pittsburgh Steelers

(Steelers by 4, they win but fail to cover)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Washington Redskins

(Eagles by 3, Redskins win outright)

eric

I will not be covering the insignificant human beings attending the left-wing hate rally in DC disguised as comedy. Giving them attention would just embolden them.

Besides, this is a fun weekend. Before getting to football, it is time to get orange and black.

To all the Jewish people and supporters of the Jews, I wish you all a happy Hal Levine.

May the goodies get treats, the baddies get tricks, and the neutral get…well, something neutral.

I am declaring Hal Levine a day early, because tomorrow is the holy day of the National Football League.

The Pagan version of this holiday is Halloween.

Either way, it is normally a day for hobgoblins and ghosties and other scary stuff.

This year Halloween will be dedicated to other potentially scary creatures. I am talking about pimps, players, mack daddies, daddy macks, hotties, hootchies, hos, and doofuses.

I am not even going to pretend to understand what I just said.

For clarification, I visited the hysterically funny and brilliantly wicked Great Satan’s Girlfriend.

http://greatsatansgirlfriend.blogspot.com/

Great Satan’s Girlfriend is a woman barely 19 or 20 years old. She was 11 on 9/11, and noticed Palesimians sharing Laffy Taffy as Americans burned. At that moment she developed what she calls “Palestinian Sympathy Fatigue.” She is a hardcore Neocon, and an exceptionally bright one at that. Her column “Green Eggs and Hamas” is a must read.

Yet today is not about politics. She is also a master of street cred. She rolls large, although I am not sure what that means either. On her Facebook page she has a section of photos dedicated to “Pimps, Players, Hos, Hotties, Hootchies, and Doofuses.”

I know what a doofus is. It is not the same as a goofus or a dorkus, according to my swash-buckling, black-clad (perhaps for Halloween) alter ego “El Dorko.”

Yet I had no idea what the rest of it was. What is the difference between a pimp, a player, and a mack daddy?

Great Satan’s girlfriend educated me. I decided not to translate from the original gangsta slang, so read carefully to try and grasp her.

“Quick def – players are guys that meet girls and get phone numbers all the time.

Pimps are guys who get girls to do their bidding – errands, money lender, chauffeur etc – they use girls (not in a sexyful way all the time – but exploit them).

Mac daddies are guys that always Make A Connection with girls – a specialty player if you will.

My street creds ain’t all that – just hanging at the mall and Barnes and Nobles alla time.”

I am tempted to respond with “You dig! Holla!” I have no idea if that applies here, so I won’t.

I still did not know the difference between a Mack Daddy and a Daddy Mac. I know a Big Mac comes from McDonalds, so I suspect a Big Daddy Mack is cool enough to get extra ketchup packets without even asking.

Again, Great Satan’s girlfriend ‘splained it. I guess that is like explaining it.

“A daddy mac is a baby’s daddy that sleeps around or is actively on the prowl.

A mac daddy is good at collecting cell numbers and making a connection. Derived from the French and later Louisiana Creole patois term ‘maqereau’, which means ‘pimp.’ Adding ‘daddy’ makes it mean ‘top pimp’.”

This was followed by even more invaluable advice.

“Check the urban dictionary. Link it in your faves, it helps!”

Who could possibly disagree with that advice? I would need an interpreter first.

Anyway, for all you pimps, players, mack daddies, daddy macks, hos, hootchies, hotties, and doofuses, I wish you a Happy Hal Levine.

eric

For those wishing to get back to the world of sanity, let’s get down to football.

Washington Redskins @ Detroit Lions

(Lions by 1, Redskins win outright)

Green Bay Packers @ New York Jets

(Jets by 6, they win but fail to cover)

Carolina Panthers @St. Louis Rams

(Rams by 3, they cover)

Miami Dolphins @ Cincinnati Bengals

(Bengals by 2.5 Dolphins win outright)

Buffalo Bills @ Kansas City Chiefs

(Chiefs by 7.5, they win but fail to cover)

Tennessee Titans @ San Diego Chargers

(Chargers by 4, they win but fail to cover)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Arizona Cardinals

(Cardinals by 3, they cover)

Seattle Seahawks @ Oakland Raiders

(Raiders by 1.5, they cover)

Minnesota Vikings @ New England Patriots

(Patriots by 5, they win but fail to cover)

Pittsburgh Steelers @ New Orleans Saints

(Pick, Saints win)

Denver Broncos @ San Francisco 49ers

(Pick, Broncos win)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Dallas Cowboys

(Pick, Cowboys win)

Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts

(Colts by 5, they win but fail to cover)

eric

Before getting to football, today is a day for me to bask in all my glory.

I am on the verge of having my 1000th Facebook Friends.

I think I speak for all of mankind when I say that nobody cares.

For those of you who do care, heaven help you.

Yet to celebrate this absolutely useless milestone metric, I will be celebrating that person, whoever they are.

I resisted using Facebook. I think social media has turned us into the nation of Narcissista. Yet I found a use for Facebook.

I have a blog and three books. Using Facebook allows me to promote my blog and my books.

I am not on here to play Farmville or Mafia Wars. I have never poked anybody and have no desire to be poked.

I have friends in real life. I have always said that there is no need to contact me on the computer if you have my phone number, and there is no need to talk on the phone if you have my address. My friends come over to watch football. We talk football and politics. Yet to go online and just talk sports with strangers seems a bit of a waste of my time.

Sure, I could reach out to people I have not spoken to in ages. What inevitably happens is we catch up, and then have nothing to talk about. These are good people, but the reason why we have our friends is because those are the people we have a sufficient bond with to continue the relationship.

Some people “de-friended” me. Ok. I guess that deserves a shrug seeing as I did not immediately notice.

I have refused many friend request, mostly from politicians simply looking to rack up friends.

Racking up Facebook friends takes us back to our days of youth, when we bragged over which dad could beat up which other dad, and who had more cars, more money, more sex, or larger (redacted). Now we see who has the most friends, or in Facebook translation, people we barely know who barely know us.

I contact people for business purposes. I do not want to get invitations to events in Libya or anywhere else where I know nobody.

Even worse than Facebook is Twitter. Celebrity tweets are coming from celebrity twits. Nobody cares who went to the mall, what restaurant at the food court they ate at, what they ordered, or any other minutiae of their mundane lives.

I have a Twitter account. When I post my column on Facebook, it automatically exports to Twitter. Once a day, people can read my column. Regarding what else I do from when I wake up to when I sleep at night is so colossally boring that people tracking me will keel over from narcolepsy.

Yet we live in a society that celebrates metrics. We like round numbers. So as I approach my 1000th Facebook friend, I am prepared to honor them.

I am also not sure what causes volatility, since the other day I had 997. Then it dropped to 996. Then it was back at 997. Now it is at 998. This was all without me sending a single friend request or accepting one from somebody else. If others understand it, bully for them.

My prediction is that reaching 1000 will take time for several reasons. I refuse friend requests from people who just collect friends as a hobby. I also send very few friend requests myself.

Most importantly, this column will probably remind people that they have been meaning to delete me for quite some time, and I helped remind them. Maybe I can make a game of it and see how many friends I can lose with one badly written column.

(Then again, if that was the standard, I would have had zero friends with each passing column.)

At some point I will reach 1000. That person will be celebrated. I will dedicate an entire Saturday column to them and give them the internet equivalent of winning a prize. It will be just like a prize, only with zero actual value.

So whoever you are out there, feel free to be my 1000th Facebook friend. I will make you infamous.

Better yet, rather than do that, just become a fan on Facebook of the TYGRRRR EXPRESS. That is my fan page, and that one does matter.

Then read my blog every day and buy my books.

At some point I will publicly apologize for this column. If it is in my next book, I will apologize for the entire book.

My 1000th friend…who will it be?

The excitement is building to a fever pitch…for somebody, somewhere.

eric

Philadelphia Eagles at Tennessee Titans

(Titans by 3, they cover)

Buffalo Bills at Baltimore Ravens

(Ravens by 13.5, they win but fail to cover)

Washington Redskins at Chicago Bears

(Bears by 3, Redskins win outright)

Pittsburgh Steelers at Miami Dolphins

(Steelers by 3, Dolphins win outright)

St. Louis Rams at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

(Buccaneers by 3, they cover)

Cincinnati Bengals at Atlanta Falcons

(Falcons by 3.5, they win but fail to cover)

San Francisco 49ers at Carolina Panthers

(49ers by 3, Panthers win outright)

Jacksonville Jaguars at Kansas City Chiefs

(Chiefs by 1, they cover)

Cleveland Browns at New Orleans Saints

(Saints by 13, they win but fail to cover)

Arizona Cardinals at Seattle Seahawks

(Seahawks by 5.5, they win but fail to cover)

Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos

(Broncos by 8.5, they win but fail to cover)

New England Patriots at San Diego Chargers

(Patriots by 2.5, they cover)

Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers (-3)

(Packers by 3, Vikings win outright)

New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys (-3)

(Cowboys by 3, they cover)

eric