Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Blame my readership

Saturday, March 5th, 2011

Today is a day for me to blame my readers.

While this might not be a smart growth strategy, it fits in with my tradition of doing whatever I d@mn well please whenever I d@mn well please, which is always.

The other day I wrote a lust fueled tale of my unsuccessful pursuit of the Goddess of beauty Rebecca Kleefisch. She is the Lieutenant Governor of Wisconsin and one of the hottest women in politics.

A precious few of you complained that writing sexually charged pieces lowers what is often a well written blog dealing with serious political issues in a dignified manner.

For those wondering why I throw in those gratuitous lusty pieces, the answer is very simple.

It drives blog traffic into the stratosphere.

People claim they would rather watch serious hard news. Then they spend hours focusing on useless imbeciles like the Jersey Shore, Charlie Sheen, Anna Nicole Smith, and others that contribute absolutely nothing necessary to this world.

Libya matters. Wisconsin matters. Election 2012 matters.

Lady Blah Blah Goo Goo Ga Ga does not matter. The ladies on the View do not matter.

The struggle between quality and ratings never goes away.

I did a serious interview with Fox News military analyst Ralph Peters. I also did an interview with Fox News analyst Andrea Tantaros. Guess who is still driving blog traffic?

It is not Colonel Peters, who is only discussing how to save the entire world from Islamofascism. I guess that is too boring for some of you. Yet for all of you who typed in “Andrea Tantaros breasts,” congratulations. You found my blog and there was one g-rated picture of her.

I do not have naked pictures of Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann on my blog. I have never even tried to find naked pictures of either of these dignified political women. Yet I know that my blog traffic just went through the roof because perverts out there are typing out the words “naked Palin” or “naked Bachmann” and hitting the search button. You make me ill.

This entire week was dedicated for the most part to serious issues of domestic and foreign policy in Wisconsin and Libya respectively.

Yet the day I lusted after Lt. Governor Kleefisch was the day my blog traffic exploded.

Every June 21st I put out my beginning of Summer column dealing with the 30 hottest women in politics. Yet I call it the Top 120 political yummy bouncies because I know that yummy bouncies drives ratings.

In fact, Howard Stern made a career out of discussing lesbians because in his words “lesbians equals ratings.”

So thank you dear readers for again publicly claiming you want high brow while privately typing in low brow search items that you seem to think I don’t see.

Oh, and for those of you typing in stuff about bestiality or necrophilia, that is just vile. I have never discussed this stuff on my blog ever.

So if you want to read about Libya and Wisconsin, demand it. If you want to read about Joy Behar and Snookie in a threesome with a goat, you are leading to the dumbing down of America.

I love my readers, but I am under no illusions that too many of them say the right things publicly but search rather bizarre things privately.

I beg of you not to try and search the internet for adult videos featuring a South Dakota Congresswoman and a vertically challenged lawn ornament entitled “Kristi Noem and the Gnome.”

It doesn’t exist.

Can we please raise the dignity of everything?

If you readers give me higher blog traffic for important topics, you will be rewarded with higher quality.

Until then, between all of the serious pieces will be my fantasies about Monique from Showtime at the Apollo.

She is big, black, bouncy, beautiful, and great for ratings even larger than her spectacular (redacted).

eric

2011–Sprints and Marathons

Monday, January 3rd, 2011

A Happy 2011 to you all. May 2010 be locked in the closet forever, never to be remembered.

Technically January 1st was a couple of days ago, but a weekend of football allows for a delayed start.

I could veer straight into politics, but that will have to wait one more day.

I have a billion things to do, and I just don’t know how I will get everything done.

In several days I turn 39, and the day after my dad turns 70.

Where did the time go?

I keep hearing that life is a marathon, not a sprint. I keep being told that it is the journey, not the destination.

Everybody thinks about this stuff. Yet as this new year begins, it seems impossible to process the micro and the macro.

The macro is the world around me, and I don’t like what I see.

Third world Islamofascist genocidal lunatics are still trying to kill us all.

North Korea is still going bonkers.

America is on the brink of financial ruin, with California leading the nation into the death spiral.

Yet for some reason, I don’t feel as bad as I should. Maybe I am naive, but I still believe in this country.

We are the people who feed, clothe, protect, and defend the world. We come up with cures for diseases. We invented the internet. We saved the world in World War II, and my generation will not let this country sink.

Yet I spend so much time on the macro that I ignore the micro.

I thoroughly enjoy blogging, and my formula of one post per day works for me. What started as a hobby has now turned into my business.

Some people pay me to blog. Other people pay me to speak all around the country. I am a frequent radio guest of talk programs, and my opinion is often sought.

Yet everything has a price. Living in a nice condo in a nice neighborhood is pleasant. The Jacuzzi water is perfect, and the big screen tv looks great when watching football.

I lead a happy life. I am truly blessed.

Yet all the first class flights will not give me what I need most…more time.

We all need more time. I wish we could clone ourselves like Michael Keaton in “Multiplicity.” Even running errands is time I can barely afford.

I keep saying that at some point I need to impregnate a Republican Jewish brunette.

Yet no matter how many of them I meet, it does not change the fact that trying to sprint through a marathon just gives one cramps and blisters.

The last few days I did something that I never do. I relaxed.

I am always doing something. Even when I am watching the game I am doing something.

Yet the last few days, I actually decompressed.

My friend has a 3 year old child. I affectionately refer to him as “the boy.”

The other day I visited the boy. He sees me and calls me “Uncle Eric.” He gives the best high 5s on the planet.

His dad read him a story, and I just looked into the child’s eyes.

The reason why his dad and I care about all this political stuff is not so we can win elections. It is so the boy can have a better life.

I thank God that the boy does not know what is around him. He plays with his trains, and laughs when I do my “duck walk” that he copies. When a grown man is walking like a duck, there had better be a kid around.

In the coming months there will be another presidential election beginning way too soon, global conflicts we may or may not be ready for, and people that leave us too soon.

In 2011 I have more to do. It is time to be a syndicated columnist. It is time to get back into radio on the host side of the microphone. It is time to get my speaking career into the stratosphere.

So many people have helped me. I cannot thank them all.

All I know is that nothing worth having comes easy or free.

I cannot control the outcome but I can control the effort.

I have always worked hard, and this year I will work as hard as possible.

Yet I will make absolutely sure to enjoy the results.

I am not somebody who stops to smell the roses. That is not my style.

So while I will constantly be doing things, the occasional reality check that only the smile of a child can bring will keep me centered.

I have sprinted to a good start to 2011, already accomplishing things ahead of schedule.

Yet the marathon is just getting started.

God bless you all in all your journeys.

This concludes my warm fuzzy sentiments for the year. Tomorrow it is back to business.

After all, the world is not going to fix itself, and the Republican Jewish brunettes are not going to get pregnant by themselves.

Pleasure is business and business is good.

Yet more remains to be done. Before we know it, 2011 will be a memory.

Until then, the sleeves are rolled up.

Time to get the Tygrrrr Express rolling now.

eric

My 2011 State of the Blog Address

Friday, December 31st, 2010

Last year I rang in an entirely new decade by bringing the world my 2010 State of the Blog Address.

https://tygrrrrexpress.com/2009/12/my-2010-state-of-the-blog-address/

Given that these decade thingies only happen every 8-12 years or so, this year I shall underwhelm even the most underwhelmed with the uncreatively titled 2011 State of the Blog Address.

My fellow Americans, you have all seen the state of the TYGRRRR EXPRESS, and I shall now speak slowly using ellipses (them funny 3 dot thingies) for extra powerful emphasis.

The state of the TYGRRRR…EXPRESS…is…strong!

(No piped in clapping noises or artificial enthusiasm…budget cuts.)

While 2010 has been a tough year for many, I give you my solemn vow that if you trust me to lead you, 2010 by tomorrow will be nothing but a memory!

I will not promise to create a job, but I will bring you Jib-Jab! So long to you 2010!

http://sendables.jibjab.com/originals/so_long_to_ya_2010

For those tired of my 38 year old attitude, fear not. In a little over a week I turn 39.

The best present you can give me with perhaps the exception of actual real expensive presents is your presence and your friendship.

I will now be announcing that I am not running for President in 2012. The job is a pay cut and a loss of prestige.

I shall continue to blog.

I shall continue to be often wrong, but never in doubt.

I shall continue to go through life like a Roman Empire hedonist, although with Hebrew leanings.

I shall remain politically conservative, morally liberal, and totally and completely off kilter.

I shall now recognize people in the audience who nobody could possibly dislike to score points with the crowd. All of you, stand up. Now sit down.

My teleprompter is working fine, I just refuse to pay attention to it.

I shall now get to the point in every speech where even the worst speakers gain the gratitude of the sleeping audience.

In conclusion, blah blah blah, better, stronger, smarter, tougher, kinder, gentler, something-er or other-er.

This concludes my 2011 State of the Blog Address.

God Bless you, God bless America, God bless the TYGRRRR EXPRESS, God bless the National Football league, God bless eating establishments serving dead cows with various potato derivatives, and God bless scantily clad Republican Jewish brunettes everywhere.

Bring it on 2011! I can handle it, although I may get a late start and sleep in to save my strength. The rest of you get to work.

Happy New Year all!

eric   :)

The “Other” KKK

Saturday, December 11th, 2010

Before getting to football, I want to say some words about the KKK.

No, not the Ku Klux Klan. That organization was evil. Every member of that group should be placed on an eternal wall of shame. The idea that people murdered, robbed, and beat other human beings based on the color of their skin or their religion is the very essence of what it means to lack humanity.

Yet today another KKK is surfacing.

These people have not killed or tried to kill anybody. They seem to be tolerant of other races and religions. They might not even be inherently evil. Yet they are destructive to American society.

America is declining, and they are rapidly leading that collapse.

I am referring to that “other” KKK that must be eradicated forever.

That’s right.

I am talking about Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney.

I want to live in a world without Kardashians.

We are becoming a nation of imbeciles, and they are leading the army of stupidity.

It has to stop. If it takes every television set simultaneously malfunctioning (except when the football game is on) for these people to go away, so be it.

Kim might be the worst of the three, although that says a lot. She dates NFL players, which means that even football is not safe from her.

At least she spells her own name right. The same cannot be said for Amerika’s darlings Khloe and Kourtney.

There was a time in history when to be known, you had to actually have something resembling a skill.

There was an era when to receive a paycheck you had to actually do something.

Elizabeth Taylor and George Hamilton are famous for being famous, but once upon a time they actually did work, and quite brilliantly.

Theses women, when not giggling in a manner less intelligible than the ladies on the View (now that says a lot), are hawking their own Kredit Kard, the Kardashian Kard. It was a major ripoff. The women claimed not to know about this, and I believe them. I would be skeptical if they did know something about anything.

One of them was kicked off of Celebrity Apprentice for a drunk driving conviction. Not since Omarosa has anybody been less deserving of the title of celebrity. As for the drunk driving, this is to be expected from overprivileged airheads who are on television simply because their father was friends with a famous athlete accused in the trial of the century for murder.

The remnants of O.J. Simpson are still being felt. First we were stuck with Larry King wasting even more time than usual, even by CNN standards. Then we were gifted with the delightfully irrelevant Kato Kaelin. At least they disappeared along with Larry King’s audience. Yet the Kardashians are here to stay. They will never leave. Not now, not ever.

No product is too shameless to hawk, and no camera too small to be ignored unless it is on a channel these women would fail to understand, such as C-Span.

I suspect these triple terrors of talking think that C-Span is a channel where reasonably large breasted women spread their arms and take competing measurements.

Some will say that these women are not hurting anybody.

This is wrong. They are hurting young girls everywhere by teaching them that being substanceless is the way to happiness. Many intelligent girls pretend to be idiots because they truly believe the boys like it. The problem with this is that as time goes by, bimbos become painfully aware that they are not marriage material. Also, the Kardashians have money. Average bimbos do not end up as carefree when they have bills to pay and no rich boys to take care of things.

The world thinks that Americans are shallow materialistic narcissists. I try to make a case for the positive aspects of this nation I love, but all the world sees are the television images of Kardashistan.

When will the madness stop? It is like an entire letter of the alphabet has been hijacked. What else will these vapid ladies endorse?

Special K Cereal?

K Y Jelly?

Kandy Korns?

Kaviar?

Karl’s Jr. is a must. Dennis Rodman and Paris Hilton endorsed them, which means the bar has beet set very low.

(To be fair to Mr Rodman, he was a good basketball player. As for her, as the movie said, forget Paris.)

I want to live in an intelligent world. So I ask my fellow Americans to turn away from these women until they contribute anything to society that can remotely be considered positive.

Charity does not count. They have trust funds. It has to be a significant tangible contribution that they gave the world on their own.

Until then, they are just taking up space.

It is not their fault.

The blame falls on those giving them ratings.

Just say no to the KKK. No more ratings. No more press. No more attention.

No more anything.

Get rid of the KKK and replace it with P and Q.

Peace and quiet.

eric

Indianapolis Colts @ Tennessee Titans was the Thursday night game.

Cleveland Browns @ Buffalo Bills

(Bills by 1, they cover)

Atlanta Falcons @ Carolina Panthers

(Falcons by 7 1/2, they win but fail to cover)

Green Bay Packers @ Detroit Lions

(Packers by 6 1/2, they win but fail to cover)

Oakland Raiders @ Jacksonville Jaguars

(Jaguars by 4, Raiders win outright)

New York Giants @ Minnesota Vikings

(Giants by 3, Vikings win outright)

Cincinnati Bengals @ Pittsburgh Steelers

(Steelers by 8 1/2, they cover)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Washington Redskins

(Buccaneers by 2, Redskins win outright)

St Louis Rams @ New Orleans Saints

(Saints by 9, they win but fail to cover)

Seattle Seahawks @ San Francisco 49ers

(49ers by 5, they win but fail to cover)

Denver Broncos @ Arizona Cardinals

(Broncos by 4 1/2, Cardinals win outright)

New England Patriots @ Chicago Bears

(Patriots by 3, they cover)

Miami Dolphins @ New York Jets

(Jets by 5 1/2, they win but fail to cover)

Kansas City Chiefs @ San Diego Chargers

(Chargers by 7, they cover)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys

(Eagles by 3 1/2, Cowboys win outright)

Baltimore Ravens @ Houston Texans

(Ravens by 3, they cover)

eric

Farewell Leslie Nielsen

Saturday, December 4th, 2010

The fourth night of Hanukkah brings a tinge of sadness for the entire world.

Leslie Nielsen left us a few days ago. Even at age 84, it was still too soon.

Despite having a name that sounds Jewish, the internet offered conflicting information. To the best of my knowledge, Leslie Nielsen was not Jewish. Yet the fact that many people think he is…that is good enough for me. Either way, he will be missed.

For those who want to read a hilarious book, Leslie Nielsen’s “autobiography” is a riot. As he says on the cover in the subtitle, his life story is “amazing, fictional, and totally untrue.”

Who else would write a fake autobiography for laughs?

I actually met Leslie Nielsen once. He was every bit as nice as one would expect.

I was at LAX airport in the terminal on my way to catch a flight. He was just coming off of a flight. This was probably over a decade ago, most likely 15 years ago.

It was very late at night, perhaps even after midnight. I did not want to bother him given how late it was, but I was young and inconsiderate, so I did. I really liked the guy.

“Mr. Nielsen, I know it’s late, but I just wanted you to know that I really like your work. I have always been a fan of yours.”

He could not have been more gracious. I asked for his autograph, and took out a blank piece of paper. He wrote a few sentences on a note and signed it. I am sure somewhere in my closet I have it. Some people just scribble stuff. He really took the time.

I even tried to be funny with him, and he was nice about it although in retrospect my questions were stupid.

“Mr. Nielsen, are you the guy that the Nielsen Ratings are based on?”

He laughed and replied, “No, but I would sure like those residuals. It sounds like a good gig to have.”

I then asked him if there would be another Naked Gun movie. Now I remember that it had to be 1995 or 1996 when I met him because the O.J. Simpson trial really meant another movie would be doubtful. Simpson played Officer Nordberg, and another Naked Gun movie would have been way too soon and been marred by the horrible events involving Mr. Simpson.

Yet Leslie Nielsen just deadpanned the question in his great style.

“I doubt we will have another movie. There have been problems with one of the characters.”

While many people remembered him as a comedic actor, he did serious roles for so long. That allowed him to play the “straight man” so perfectly.

From “Airplane” to “Naked Gun” to others such as “Dracula: Dead and Loving It,” Leslie Nielsen made us laugh until we cried.

He even played a key role in a couple of the final episodes of the “Golden Girls,” proposing to Bea Arthur’s character in…what else…bizarre fashion that confused her and everyone else.

Right now many lovers of comedy have tears in their eyes, and they are not tears of joy. We have truly lost a comedic genius who brought joy to audiences of several generations.

Perhaps the next time it rains, it will be because God is crying tears of laughter. Most people are not brave enough to joke with God, but Leslie Nielsen is probably playing it with such a straight face that even God needs a few minutes to truly appreciate the multiple layers of the jokes.

Rest in peace Mr. Nielsen, and may God bless your family.

You truly were one of the very best.

For those who think my words are too much and say that surely i can’t be serious, what else can I say?

I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.

eric

New Orleans Saints @ Cincinnati Bengals

(Saints by 6 1/2, they win but fail to cover)

Atlanta Falcons @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

(Falcons by 2 1/2, they cover)

Chicago Bears @ Detroit Lions

(Bears by 5, they win but fail to cover)

San Francisco 49ers @ Green Bay Packers

(Packers by 9 1/2, they cover)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Tennessee Titans

(Titans by 3, they cover)

Denver Broncos @ Kansas City Chiefs

(Chiefs by 6 1/2, they cover)

Cleveland Browns @ Miami Dolphins

(Dolphins by 5 1/2, they win but fail to cover)

Buffalo Bills @ Minnesota Vikings

(Vikings by 6 1/2, they win but fail to cover)

Washington Redskins @ New York Giants

(Giants by 8, they win but fail to cover)

Oakland Raiders @ San Diego Chargers

(Chargers by 12 1/2, they win but fail to cover)

Carolina Panthers @ Seattle Seahawks

(Seahawks by 6 1/2, they cover)

Dallas Cowboys @ Indianapolis Colts

(Colts by 5, they cover)

St. Louis Rams @ Arizona Cardinals

(Rams by 3, Cardinals win outright)

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Baltimore Ravens

(Ravens by 3, they cover)

New York Jets @ New England Patriots

(Patriots by 3, they cover)

eric

Hanukkah 2010 Prequel–Back to Miami

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah come light the Menorah…

Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah, we’ll all dance the Horah…

Gather ’round the table, we’ll give you a treat…

Lots of tasty chocolates and Latkes to eat…

It is that time of year again. The Tygrrrr Express is Miami bound.

Tomorrow night starts my favorite holiday of Hanukkah, or as a friend of mine calls it, “Chaka Khan.”

Those reading this blog know that I am not into warm fuzzy stories about miracles and oil lasting for 8 days. Christians have the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus, and Jews have our fables as well.

Yet beneath these sweet characters and tales are serious holidays. Regarding Christmas, I shall defer to Christian America to tell that story.

I am a Hebrew, and I love Hanukkah.

This is a celebration of of a military victory. Long before Jews emigrated to America and became leftist atheist pacifists, there was a strong bond between Jews and the military. This was because everybody was trying to kill us. Some traditions never change.

The word Maccabee means hammer, which is why the second coming of Judah Maccabee is Sir Charles of Krauthammer.

So as we light candles, I pray that Israelis take rocket launcher-sized candles and shove them up Armageddonijad’s hide until he goes to the toilet blue and white.

Meanwhile, Hanukkah is also great from a Jewish partying standpoint. It is the 8 day equivalent of homecoming, our celebration of winning the big game. The only difference is that back then the Greeks were too old to be pledges in sororities and fraternities.

Normally I spend Hanukkah in 4 different cities, doing a coast to coast celebration.

This year I will be in South Florida the whole time.

After all, every Jew has their own ways of honoring the holiday.

Judah Maccabee stormed through Gorgios and Nicanor in an attempt to liberate the entire Jewish people.

I will be storming South Beach, since Miami Beach has a high concentration of Republican Jewish brunettes.

(Thank heavens Marco Rubio is not Jewish. He is ridiculously handsome, and competition for those ladies is fierce.)

The plane is in the air, the candles are ready to be lit, and hopefully I will light a fire with one specific as of yet unknown Republican Jewish brunette.

Oh yeah, and my parents also live there and I have speaking engagements as well.

8 nights of blue and white fun await.

I love me some Hanukkah, and I love me some Miami.

On to the next adventure, whoever and wherever she is.

Happy Hanukkah all!

eric

The NRA and Chef Boyardee

Saturday, November 27th, 2010

Before getting to football, one of the things that gun control advocates use to attack the National Rifle Association is the tragic scenario of a child picking up a loaded gun and accidentally killing themselves.

This literally and figuratively misses the mark by trying to blame inanimate objects for incorrect human behavior. As with any other product, gun owners need to be responsible. It is impossible to legislate intelligence and logic. If it was, most people would be conservatives anyway.

(Yeah, that was gratuitous. Let it go.)

Yet a recent experience has me thinking that we must “do something” to save people from themselves.

It happened in my home the other day.

One minute it was a normal day. Moments later, a simple misfire shot me right in my eye. There was what appeared to be blood everywhere. I was not in tremendous pain because it was only a ricochet, but I realized that unless government got involved and regulated these things, somebody was going to get killed.

That’s right. I am talking about the “Killer Pop Top.”

It turned out after careful inspection that it was not blood. It was tomato sauce. Either way, the shirt would require extra heavy laundry detergent.

I don’t know who the people at Chef Boyardee are trying to market to, but their product is deadly.

Can one of these d@ng spaghetti and meatballs containers not be a deadly weapon? It is like a Jack-in-the-Box mated with a coiled snake and produced a dinner made by Chucky, and I don’t mean the mouse behind Chuck E. Cheese either.

Can liberals in Congress mandate warning labels stating that opening this product may result in an unclean kitchen counter?

Also, how did it get past my glasses? I was not wearing safety goggles, but still. One minute I was getting ready to attack lunch, and the next minute lunch was attacking me.

I am not saying we should mandate a public safety course before opening a Chef Boyardee Killer Pop Top. However, perhaps there are some voluntary training videos we can all watch before operating these things.

Also, Chef Boyardee may wish to lower its prices by 1% to take into account that we do not get to eat every single ounce of the product. A couple of droplets cannot be reached, no matter how deep one maneuvers their mouth around the inside of the lid.

You may not be concerned about this, but if it was your child with a tomato stain in the eye you would feel differently.

I would write my Congressman, but he is an imbecile. However, such touchy-feely stuff may allow him to actually be of use.

To make matters worse, this happened during halftime. By the time I reacted to getting struck in the eye, the second half kickoff had already happened. Sure, I could have gone back and seen it anyway on Tivo, but the moment was gone forever. In fact, my entire existence was pushed back a couple of minutes. My choices were to either oversleep by a couple minutes the next day or sacrificing those two minutes of slumber forever.

So thank you Chef Boyardee, for getting around FDA regulations and allowing me to be shot with the force of a tomato-coated bullet from a pasta machine gun.

I will not be suing because when their products are not trying to injure me, they are mighty tasty. I especially like the Canneloni derivative that consists of…well, not sure exactly. It is yummy though.

I survived the episode, but I am warning these Chef Boyardee cans themselves…I have my eye on you. If you even try to shoot at me again, I will wear the safety goggles and a smock. You will be powerless. Then I will burn you to death in my microwave and eat you until you are gone forever.

eric

New England Patriots @ Detroit Lions

(Patriots by 7, they cover)

New Orleans Saints @ Dallas Cowboys

(Saints by 3.5, they win but fail to cover)

Cincinnati Bengals @ New York Jets

(Jets by 9, they cover)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ New York Giants

(Giants by 9, they win but fail to cover)

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Buffalo Bills

(Steelers by 6, they win but fail to cover)

Tennessee Titans @ Houston Texans

(Texans by 6.5, they win but fail to cover)

Minnesota Vikings @ Washington Redskins

(Redskins by 2.5, Vikings win outright)

Green Bay Packers @ Atlanta Falcons

(Falcons by 2, they cover)

Carolina Panthers @ Cleveland Browns

(Browns by 10, they win but fail to cover)

Kansas City Chiefs @ Seattle Seahawks

(Chiefs by 1, they cover)

Miami Dolphins @ Oakland Raiders

(Raiders by 3, they cover)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Chicago Bears

(Eagles by 3.5, they cover)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Baltimore Ravens

(Ravens by 7.5, they cover)

St. Louis Rams @ Denver Broncos

(Broncos by 4, they win but fail to cover)

San Diego Chargers @ Indianapolis Colts

(Colts by 3, they cover)

San Francisco 49ers @ Arizona Cardinals

(49ers by 1, Cardinals win outright)

eric

African-American Friday

Friday, November 26th, 2010

I have decided that Black Friday should be renamed African-American Friday.

If you disagree with me, you are a racist, culturally insensitive, imperialist, Fascist Nazi war-monger who would not know the difference between Selma, Alabama and Selma Diamond.

(She played Selma on “Night Court” with Harry Anderson and John Larroquette.)

Ok, that should cover everything.

In honor of African-American Friday, I think the malls should be turned into one giant redistribution social program.

Any black person buying anything today should be exempt from taxes. The lost revenue shall be tacked onto the bills of any Caucasian buying anything.

For those like our current president who are multi-racial, you must present evidence of your family tree. 50% black does not cut it. Also, Cablinasians like Tiger Woods…forget it.

Since everything in life that any conservative ever utters somehow is related to being a white, male, slave-owning oppressor, I say we just handle it today.

Also, to show solidarity with Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, I will be replacing all vanilla extract in my home with chocolate extract. They are both brown, but then again I have neither of them in my home.

For those who think that what I am saying is crazy, think about this.

I am not trying to spend an hour in traffic to get to a shopping place that is only a few blocks away. I will not be fighting with housewives (many of them not even attractive or desperate, which would make the wrestling palatable) to obtain toys for children I do not even have (according to the milk cartons they are not mine).

Have any of you heard of Ebay and Craigslist? Do you really need to get into the holiday spirit by committing bloody murder over parking spaces?

My refrigerator is stocked with enough sundries to last a few days.

So if I had to choose between spending time with black men and white women on a day like today, who would I choose?

Well let’s see. I plan to watch football this whole weekend. You tell me.

(The only color I care about is the color of the uniforms, which tells me which team I am rooting for and against. Silver and Black is the preferred combination.)

I would say more, but like you sloth has taken over. That is what several Swanson Turkey Dinners and 9 hours of football will do to a guy.

Also, I am so sick and tired of great American traditions being destroyed by those with no respect for tradition.

Of course I am talking about the fact that the Friday after Thanksgiving was always the Oklahoma vs Nebraska game. What the heck in the name of Tom Osborne has happened to this holiday?

I will deal (or not) with that later.

Time to roll myself from the couch back to the bed until the next game is on.

Happy African-American Friday all.

eric

Happy Swanson Dinner Thursday

Thursday, November 25th, 2010

On Wednesday I decided not to fight with thousands of people at an airport for the right to fly somewhere.

On Friday I have decided not to fight with thousand of people at a mall or electronics store for the right to buy something I can buy online.

I have friends and family, but this Thanksgiving Thursday is a day of calm and quiet.

I am not spending it with my family because they live 3000 miles away. I will see them next week for Hanukkah, which is a much bigger deal for me.

Most of my life is spent around people, so what is necessary from time to time is the ability to decompress. I am Type A, and have to learn how to mellow out.

So with nobody telling me I “can’t,” I shall watch 9 hours of football and pound out a Swanson (turkey, of course, with stuffing) Dinner.

Chances are food coma will force me to sleep in on Friday, which I will somehow force myself to do.

Then it is back to work.

This day off will be well spent. It is not how everybody would do it, but others do not lead my life, and I would not know how to lead theirs.

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving, and may it be whatever works best for you.

eric

All Hail Jenn O’Neal!

Saturday, November 13th, 2010

Before getting to football, today is a day to honor greatness.

Today is a day to celebrate Jenn O’Neal.

For those of you who are wondering who Jenn O’Neal is, I pity you.

She is now officially a legend, immortalized forever in the annals (annals sounds like a bad word, but it is really harmless.) of the Tygrrrr Express.

Jenn O’Neal is my 1000th Facebook friend.

For those chronicling me (I pity you again), I think it is about high time that Americans celebrate artificial metrics of meaningless internet social acceptance.

I mean it is one thing to have 999 or 1001 friends. To be # 1000 is special because Americans like zeroes and round numbers. We do not have 9 Commandments or 11 Amendments making up the Bill of Rights to the U.S. Constitution. We do not have 49 or 51 states. Sorry DC, but until we sell Alaska or Hawaii (or better yet Massachusetts), there will be no changes.

So in the spirit of everything nice and symmetrical, today is a day to celebrate # 1000 Jenn O’Neal.

So who is she?

Actually, I am not sure. I don’t know her that well.

She seems like a nice enough person.

I met her when I spoke to the Camarillo Republican Women in Ventura County, about 45 minutes North of my home. She is a college student who heads up the Camarillo College Republicans.

When I informed her that the honor did not come with any financial reward (not even gift certificates), I am sure she wished that she was not the 1000th (or any for that matter) friend of mine.

Well too bad. Moses did not want to be selected either, and things turned out fine for him.

(Well actually he is dead, but things were good for awhile, not counting the speech impediment for putting a hot coal in his mouth, and the fact that his followers hated him and let him down and were given eternal damnation.)

The point is we do not appreciate the greatness thrust upon us until it is too late.

One day Jenn O’Neal will be 19, and she will remember way back when a year earlier when she was 18. At some point she will be an entire two decades.

I was going somewhere with this, but that is not the point.

Anyway, some people wanted to know (actually nobody did, but I am telling you anyway) what would happen if a bunch of people de-friended me to take me back below 1000 friends.

I came to the conclusion that when the odometer reaches 100,000 miles, driving backwards will not take it back to five 9s (which can win in Poker assuming one is playing with wild cards).

(I learned this from the Tiny Toons movie “How I spent my Summer vacation,” which 20 years later is still hilarious.)

Since I normally discuss football on Saturdays, think about this. When Brett Favre began playing football, Jenn O’Neal was still in the womb, totally unaware of what greatness would come to Favre…and her.

Now Favre is in his final season, but Jenn O’Neal’s accolades are just beginning.

(Although she has never thrown for 400 yards in a game. Then again, Favre only did it twice, and only once in his first 19 years.)

Anyway, here are some pictures of Jenn O’Neal.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/album.php?profile=1&id=660735451

If you cannot view them, it is because I have no idea how much of Facebook works. Just because I have over 1000 friends does not mean I have met or seen them.

There is so much more I can say, but for now, I would like to forever congratulate Jenn O’Neal for saving me the time of actually having to come up with an idea for a column on this fine Saturday.

Well done Ms. O’Neal. May your immortality be a source of pride (or at least not too much shame) in your entire inner circle.

May that circle never be unbroken.

(I do like that song.)

1000 Facebook friends and counting.

That means something, and one day, I hope to know exactly what.

eric

Baltimore Ravens @ Atlanta Falcons

(Pick em, Falcons win)

Detroit Lions @ Buffalo Bills

(Bills by 3, they cover)

Minnesota Vikings @ Chicago Bears

New York Jets @ Cleveland Browns

(Jets by 3, Browns win outright)

Cincinnati Bengals @ Indianapolis Colts

(Colts by 8, they win but fail to cover)

Houston Texans @ Jacksonville Jaguars

(Jaguars by 1 1/2, Texans win outright)

Tennessee Titans @ Miami Dolphins

(Titans by 1 1/2, they cover)

Carolina Panthers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

(Buccaneers by 7, they win but fail to cover)

Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Broncos

(Chiefs by 1, Broncos win outright)

Seattle Seahawks @ Arizona Cardinals

(Cardinals by 3, they cover)

Dallas Cowboys @ New York Giants

(Giants by 14, they win but fail to cover)

St. Louis Rams @ San Francisco 49ers

(49ers by 5 1/2, they win but fail to cover)

New England Patriots @ Pittsburgh Steelers

(Steelers by 4, they win but fail to cover)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Washington Redskins

(Eagles by 3, Redskins win outright)

eric